Chapter 37

Hermione laughed when she woke the next morning and found Grendel lying between them on the large bed.  Severus had needed his help to regain as much strength as possible so he would be able to perform the spell again that night.  It was Saturday, so they decided to stay at the cave for the morning.  They ate breakfast and then played ball with Grendel.  For all his scary rows of teeth, he was gentle with the pigskin ball.  He was a big baby at heart and romped and chased after the ball like a small pup.  Hermione laughed at his antics.  It made her feel good to laugh and relax for a bit.  Just seeing Severus play made her heart light, and she was amazed that the child Raven had become had always been a facet of Severus Snape that he'd kept secret. 

Severus wasn't much different from Raven after all.  But what was it that was keeping Severus from remembering his life as Raven?

Around three o'clock, they returned to Hogwarts to shower and dress for the evening.  Severus practiced the spell a bit and tried to concentrate on the feelings that had allowed him to continue the night before.  He did not want to falter tonight.  His inability to produce the spell in a continuous manner may have cost Frank Longbottom months of physical therapy and potions to restore his left side.  He knew that no one blamed him, but he did not like imperfection. Neville had sent an owl to Severus, thanking him for all he had done.  He let Severus know that he was delighted to actually have his parents healthy and talking.  He had assured Severus that he did not hold him responsible for his father's infirmities and that the healers were very certain that his father would be fully recovered in a few months.  Severus was grateful for the letter, but he hoped to do better tonight. 

Hermione had sent an owl to Ginny and asked that she bring her family to St. Mungo's.  Severus had wanted to do the spell without them there, but he'd understood. Potter would want Ginny there when he woke up.  However, Severus had asked that Ginny wait outside until called.

When they arrived at the hospital, the Weasleys were already there.  They seemed happy to see Severus but did not try to touch him...except Arthur, who came to shake his hand.

"Severus, it's good to have you back. Thank you for agreeing to help Harry.  The boy deserves a life," Arthur said.

Ginny had gone to Hermione and stood in her arms, trembling with excitement and fear.

Severus nodded to Arthur. "There is no guarantee this will work.  There are things I need to feelto make this a success, and I do not know if I have it in me."

"If this fails, Severus, then you will try again when you have worked through the feelings. You have always done your best for the Order and Harry.  You will do all that you can for him," Arthur encouraged the reluctant wizard.

Hermione gently detached Ginny and pushed her into her mother's arms.  "Please, wait out here as quietly as possible.  I will call you if we are successful."  She had not mentioned Severus' success with the Longbottoms.  She knew that Severus still had some issues with Harry.

Severus turned away from the Weasleys' hopeful faces.  He could not quell the fear in his heart that he was not up to this task tonight.  He was afraid that the ease of Frank and Alice's return would not happen this time.  Bellatrix had been an inferior witch when compared with Voldemort's phenomenal powers.  The darkness around Harry's mind seemed thick, inky, and impenetrable. 

Alishus was in the room with Harry when they entered.  He nodded to them but did not speak. Then he stepped back and out of the room, leaving only Miriam Strout in attendance.

That astonished Severus; the man was giving him more privacy this time.  Everyone knew about his relationship with Harry.  It had come out in the hearing that had occurred after his disappearance and assumed death.  To clear his name, all of his past and Harry's past had been revealed from the memories Harry had left in the Pensieve in Dumbledore's office, and he presumed Dumbledore's portrait had concurred that the memories were not false.

Hermione went to stand at the side of Harry's bed near his head, and Severus took his place at the foot.  Miriam took the other side. Severus stood and stared into the young man's face for a long time.  He was trying to feel what he needed to feel.  There was so much bad blood between them.  There was, in contrast, so much feeling between Lily and him.  His feelings of love were compounded by his betrayal that had cost her life.  He looked at Hermione for encouragement and found that golden smile that always made his heart soar.  He took a deep breath and nodded to Healer Strout.  She administered the potion.

Severus started to sing.  His voice was deep, almost husky, and the resonance wavered. He took a deep breath and started again.  He sang with rich tones, and the colors started to form.  They wrapped themselves around Harry. The boy's eyes opened, and Severus was staring into Lily's eyes.  It shocked him so much that he lost his train of thought, and the colors and lights crumbled and faded. Harry's body jerked and then seized up. His eyes closed, and then he lay still.  Hermione looked at Severus in horror and then anxiously watched Healer Strout make a diagnosis.

"He's okay," she finally said. "His body shows some shock, and he had a mild seizure, but he's slipped back into the full curse and is the same as he was before.  What happened, Severus?"  Her voice was curious but kind.

Severus had stood frozen in horror, and then he broke away and ran out into the hall. Pushing past the Weasleys, he vanished down the hall.  Hermione, having run to the door, stood for a moment staring after him, and then all the voices of the family accosted her.

"What happened?"

"Why did he leave?"

"Will Harry stay this way?"

"Hermione?"

Hermione pushed past them. "I need to find him. Please let me go.  I will find out what happened.  I promise I will make sure he tries again.  Please keep this to yourselves," she begged them and ran down the hall to the stairs and out of the building.  But there was only silence there; Severus was gone.  She stood on the empty street, tears streaking down her face.  He'd left her behind. Where had he gone? What had happened? 

She had been excited when Harry's eyes had opened, and then the music had stopped.  Somehow Severus had shut down and been distracted.  She went over what had happened again in her mind. He stopped singing when Harry opened his eyes. Suddenly, she thought of all the times over the years that she'd heard people telling Harry that he had his mother's eyes. She groaned.  Oh Merlin, will he ever get her out of his heart, and will he ever forgive himself for what happened all those years ago?

She Apparated to Hogwarts, feeling it was best to start there.  She gathered a few things from her room that she felt might help him and started her search.

His quarters were empty, so she went to Spinner's End and found it dark and empty.  She had never tried to Apparate the distance to his lair, so she went to Minerva and asked for her help.  Minerva sent for Dobby, and he took her to the lair.  But Grendel was there alone, and Hermione really began to fear for him. Where else would he go?  What state of mind was he in?

Then she had it: Lily. He would have gone to Lily in Godric's Hollow.  She'd been there before and knew she could get there alone. She sent Dobby back to tell Minerva where she was going, and then she Apparated.  Hermione found herself on a dark street about a block from the cemetery.  It was a dark, foreboding night, and she used the tip of her wand to send a soft warm light before her.

She was not crazy about traipsing through a dark cemetery alone at night and only prayed that Severus would be there and not send her away.  She made her way through the woods to the kissing gate.  It was slightly open, and it gave her courage that Severus had come before her.  Her feet took her in the familiar direction of the grave, past the now dark church.  The grave stones stood out, throwing sharp shadows everywhere.  As she neared Harry's parents' grave, she saw a dark form lying before it.  The white marble was silhouetting his form in the dark surroundings.

"Severus?" she called softly.

The form moved, and now she could see him.

"Hermione, please leave me."  His voice was ragged with emotion and tears.

She continued on, determined to comfort him. She took him in her arms, and he slumped down, drawing her to the ground with him.  He cried heart-wrenchingly painful cries that were ripped from his soul and tore at her heart so that she cried with him. 

"I will never leave you, Severus. Do you hear me?  I will never leave you, so never send me away because I will not go!"

Severus finally believed her.  She would never leave him.  He clung to her, aware that he was probably bruising her arms and body with the strength of his hold, but he could not stop the waves of painful cries that kept erupting from his mouth. 

"Cry, Severus. Let go of the pain and forgive yourself for the mistakes of your past."

"My mistakes cost the lives of my best friend and the man she loved dearly.  It is not some simple mistake, Hermione.  She is gone, and she can never forgive me. Please get me out of here.  Take me to Grendel, please. I cannot stand this pain," he cried.

She helped him stand, and they Apparated. But when Severus opened his eyes, he found himself outside Spinner's End.  "What are we doing here?" he demanded.  "I need Grendel!  Please, Hermione, take me to Grendel."

"Severus, you need to face your pain, not have it taken away.  Grendel will only mask this pain again.  This pain must be dealt with," she said as she helped him through the door and into the house.  They went straight up to the bedroom, and Hermione helped him change into a long nightshirt and crawl under the bedcovers.  She was going to let him sleep alone. But he would not let go of her hand, so she crawled into the bed beside him. He spooned himself against her, and they both slept from emotional exhaustion.

Severus woke first and found Hermione's face inches from his; she must have turned toward him during the night.  He felt heavy and hungover from all the emotional exertion.  His face felt crusted with spent tears, and he could see the streaks of dried tears on her face as well.  This woman was a miracle in his life, and her love had saved him over and over again.  Her willingness to love him despite his past and his own self-destructive nature made him feel warm.

She was stirring now, and her eyes opened.  When she saw him watching her, she smiled that glorious smile that warmed him more than the sun and brought life to his heart. 

He leaned forward and kissed her deeply.  She pressed herself against him, and he held her close.  "Thank you for finding me," he said softly.

"You're welcome," she said, kissing him back.

"Will Harry be alright?"  He couldn't remember much of what had happened after Harry's eyes had opened.

"Yes, he's the same as before the spell.  The potion doesn't seem to have much effect without the spell.  You can try again."

Severus stiffened and pulled away, getting out of the bed.  "I'm not capable of doing the spell for him.  It will have to be someone else."

Hermione crawled out after him and made him look at her.  "It can't be anyone but you, Severus.  You know the spell and what it entails.  You have to be the one to bring him back.  You can do this, Severus. I have faith in you and your abilities," she told him.

"No, I can't do it.  I am too fragmented, and I have no anchor for my own life. How can I hope to find the anchor to bring Harry back?" he said. 

Hermione went to retrieve the magic bag she had placed on the bedside table.  She opened it and pulled out several items.  She was hurt that he didn't see her as an anchor in his life, but she did not point that out to him.  She knew that would help no one.

"Severus, it's time you faced your past.  You need to see the memories Raven and I left you, and you need to see the memories your mother left you.  I also have the diary here.  This is the only way you will be able to move forward in your life with me.  You need to let go of the past," she beseeched him.

Severus stared at the items in her hand with revulsion, but in his heart he knew it was time.  He nodded, reaching out to take the diary from her hand.

Thank you for the many wonderful comments and reviews. I appreciate them so much.

I want to thank my beta, Lisa. She brings order to my work. I am horrible at grammar and punctuation. beaweasley2, thank you for your patience and help with the chapters. You have helped me so much. I also want to thank Becky, who finds tiny mistakes and is such a support to me.