Chapter 32

Severus found himself nervously tapping a pen on his desk as the time neared for Hermione to arrive.

At exactly 8:00, he heard her knock.

"Come," he called.

She came into the room, and he swore it brightened. She was smiling, but her eyes were as big as saucers, and he could see the fear and uncertainty lurking in her eyes.

He came forward, wanting nothing more than to ease the pain in her eyes. "I apologize. This is difficult for both of us, and I overreacted. Madam Granger, do you think it is possible for us to finish our work and pay that final debt to Mr. Potter?"

Hermione nodded in relief. "Yes, of course it is." She was happy he was willing to try to understand. She came forward and raised her hand to touch him.

He held his hand up to stop her. "Well," he said, stepping back and turning toward the doors of his storage room, "let's get to work. I would very much like to get this debt out of the way and get on with life."

Hermione noted that he didn't say 'my life' this time. He wasn't ready to commit to 'our life' yet, but she felt much better as she entered his storage room. Maybe there was a chance for them after his debt was paid. She would have to come to terms with the fact that Raven was gone. She would never hold him in her arms again; but he was Severus Snape, and all the things they shared and loved about each other were there. As long as he allowed them to work together, there was a chance to get to know him for who he was now. There was hope for them. She had to hang onto that.

Severus felt as if a weight had risen from his heart: She would stay and work with him. "Madam, if you will read your list, I will gather the items together." He took a basket from the shelf and filled it with the jars, boxes, and dried items she read from the list.

"Horned-tail dragon's venom," Hermione read.

Hermione saw Severus stop and look closely at the bottle on the shelf. "Damn, it's empty. That shyster of a Potion's master doesn't do his job properly. Some of these ingredients are nearly gone, and others are old. What was Minerva thinking giving this job to Philbin?"

"Could we still collect some from the dragon you and I killed?" Hermione asked.

Severus turned to her and raised an eyebrow at "you and I," but he did not comment. "Yes, it is possible. But we would have to go there. It would mean possibly missing classes again, if we didn't get back on time. I haven't started out on the right foot here. I went to my lair the other night and slept there. I'm afraid my internal clock didn't wake me in time."

"Oh, you didn't go drink? Hermione asked, feeling her heart beat with relief. Then she ducked her head. "Sorry, sir, I didn't mean to pry."

"No, it's okay." He sighed. "I went to talk to Grendel. He's a good listener and..." he hesitated and then admitted, "...a good bed companion."

Hermione nodded with a smile. "I had the pleasure of his company when you were in the early stages of youth. It was a difficult time."

Severus stared, thinking, She has decided not to speak Raven's name anymore. He didn't know how he felt about her saying that they had done this or that. Technically, it was true "they" had done it all together, but since he had no memory of it, the events were foreign to him. He had to admit it was better to think of himself doing those things with Hermione than hear Raven's name over and over. Severus said, "Go on with your list."

Hermione nodded. "Sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about. If we can complete assembling the items we need, we might be able to take a trip to Voldemort's lair tomorrow after classes. I will ask Minerva to allow us a night off from our hall duties. I do not want to wait until the weekend to get the potion started. I would like to have this whole thing completed before the Yule break," he informed her.

"I agree," Hermione replied. They worked for several more hours.

Once the ingredients were gathered, Severus showed her his private lab. It was wonderful! It was full of cauldrons of every size and metal type. There were chopping blocks of marble, polished wood, and porcelain. Surfaces of cork and glass. All kinds of knives and grinding equipment. It was a potion maker's dream. Hermione ran here and there, touching the surfaces and examining the tools. "Oh, Severus, it's wonderful."

Severus smiled openly at her. She was a vision of beauty when she was excited. What a wondrous creature. It made him sad that he could not remember holding her and making love to her. He shook the thoughts away and helped her select the first cauldron.

"After we return from the lair, I will not be able to help you much during the potion preparations. I will come when the schedule decrees and do the brewing. I have a great deal of research to do concerning the language in the spell and its proper pronunciation. There is so much to learn about the song that must be sung as I say the words. I know some song spells, but this is the most perplexing spell. You will be on your own here. I have set the wards to admit you. You can use anything here you need. If you find something that you are not absolutely sure of, I want you to come find me. I always knew you were an accomplished Potions student, but the potion you brewed for me to return to myself was utterly brilliant and a very difficult potion. You have my admiration. You should pursue your potions interest, perhaps take an apprenticeship."

Hermione noticed that he sometimes used her last name and sometimes her first. Perhaps that was part of the mood changes. For more formal conversation, he was more like Snape, and for less formal he was more like Raven. It was fascinating.

"Yes, sir. I will consider it. The art of potion making is a wonderful craft, and I enjoy the research as much as the actual brewing."

"Good girl. We'll discuss this with Min when we have completed this task."

"Min?" she asked, confused.

"I'm sorry; Minerva. I have known her nearly my whole life, Hermione. She is more a friend than a colleague."

Hermione nodded, pleased that he would tell her. "I knew that you were close when she mentioned a perfume you used to make for her each Christmas. She's nearly out of it."

"Is she? I will have to remedy that." He looked around. "It is time to call it a night. Get a good night's sleep, and we will make our trip tomorrow afternoon. I can make a Portkey that will take us the entire way."

Hermione washed her hands and went through the door into the sitting room. He saw her to the Potions classroom door. "Goodnight, Hermione." His voice was soft and gentle.

She looked into his eyes and saw the gentleness of Raven looking through Severus' eyes. They were becoming one. "Goodnight, Severus."

Severus watched her walk away. He took a deep breath. The woman was getting to him, and it scared him and excited him.

*******

After classes the next day, they packed some supplies and took the Portkey Severus had made to the mouth of the cave. Hermione felt herself shaking with the emotion of being in a place that had been so horrifying and also had such strong memories of Raven.

Auror Fortesque came from the shadows and nodded to Severus and Hermione, having received word they would arrive. The cave was now full of Aurors who knew how to deal with the dark curses inhabiting many of the items in Voldemort's lair.

Hermione hung back, but Severus strode forward to examine the remains of the dragon. "You did a formidable job on this creature. You were fortunate to get away alive."

"The spells you left us really helped. We couldn't have done it without you," she informed him.

He knelt next to one of the creature's claws and used a sharp knife to pry it from the foot of the dragon. Behind it was a sac of venom, still fluid. He used a glass tube to draw out the poison, and he placed it into the vial that he'd brought with him.

"We are finished," he said to the Auror as he stood.

"There is a group of potions masters coming tomorrow to gather as many ingredients as they can. It's been under a stasis spell, so that the flesh doesn't decay anymore," Fortesque informed him.

Severus nodded. "I wish I had time to help. There is so much there, liver, scales, heart... but I don't have the time." He looked wistfully at the huge carcass.

The Auror nodded. "It will be done correctly, sir. The group coming has an excellent reputation for procuring the finest of ingredients. This group is from St. Mungo's."

"Well, I'm sure it will be alright then. They have an excellent reputation. Thank you, Auror Fortesque." He turned to Hermione, took a hold of her arm, and activated the Portkey. When they arrived at their destination, she found herself in Snape's lair.

"Why are we here?" she asked as more memories cascaded through her head.

He saw the emotional impact on her. "Forgive me, I should have warned you. I need some of the other ingredients stored here." He strode to his shelves for the supplies. "The older ingredients we have at school are not good enough. I want the very best for this potion."

"Thank you," she said.

"For what?" he asked as he placed more vials into his pockets.

"For caring that Harry gets the best." She came forward, took his hand in her fingers, and kissed his palm.

Severus felt overwhelmed by her touch. Some of his anxiety about not being able to touch her leached away. He squeezed her fingers before turning away.

Hermione smiled and then turned as a roar of excitement filled the room. Grendel was jumping around her and Severus. She reached out and hugged his huge neck. "Hey, boy, how have you been?"

Severus turned to watch her fawn over his pet. He was touched that she loved the great, scary-looking beast.

He came and rubbed the beast's head. "Sorry, Grendel, this is a quick visit. No time for games this trip."

The beast whined but licked his fingers.

Hermione said with a laugh, "I was right! You do play games with him!"

Severus smiled and ruffled his head again. "It keeps us both in practice for battle. He's rather intelligent and quite fast."

"I would like to hear more about him, Severus," she said.

"Ask me again when we have finished this. I have some stories you might like to hear." He turned to gather a few books and other personal things.

"Severus?"

"Yes."

"What do you plan to do with all this? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

Severus thought, nosey wench, but he didn't say it. Where had that come from? It was a strange word to characterize Hermione with. "I don't mind. I planned to use it if I had to survive the war and found myself on my own, a fugitive from both the Order and the Dark side. Now I will probably use it to help repair the damage that I was forced to cause as a Death Eater. There are homes we burned. Property damaged. I can't replace lives lost, but perhaps it will help relieve someone's burdens."

Before he knew it, Hermione was hugging him tightly. He thought about pushing her off, but the comfort it gave made him relax in her embrace.

Hermione said, "I'm so proud of you, Severus. I wish I had known 'you' more as I was growing up. I wish you had been allowed to be yourself. So much time has been lost in our lives. We might have been good friends." She realized then that she was holding onto him so she stepped back. "I'm sorry, old habits."

"Don't be. I appreciate the thought." He was amazed at her generosity. A part of him rejoiced that she wished they could have been friends. An idea occurred to him. "Why don't we have some dinner and keep Grendel company for a few hours? We really haven't been gone long, and we did request the night off. I am a good cook."

"I'd like that." Hermione smiled up into his face. "You'll have to give me lessons."

They spent some time in the kitchen cutting up dried vegetables and herbs. The meat came in cans. Grendel was so excited, he begged and begged for tidbits.

Severus laughed at him. "I see you have corrupted my friend. He was never a beggar before."

"I'm sorry," Hermione apologized, but Severus could tell she didn't mean it.

He saw her glancing at the bed occasionally, and there was a sadness in her eyes. He knew she was thinking about Raven. It irritated him at first, but then he realized how grateful he should have been for their relationship. He might not have been given his life back otherwise. The sheer weight of their honesty and responsibility allowed them to sacrifice their love and give him back his life, even though they had loved each other so deeply. He wanted to remember that love and remember their time here in the cave.

He reached over the table and touched her fingers. He surprised himself when he said, "I wish I could remember our life here in the cave."

She was so surprised, she shared some of her thoughts. "Severus, I always knew it was you with me. I have always respected you. As a child, I always wondered what you might be like without the Dark Mark enslaving you. I used the name Raven because that is what you knew yourself by. Maybe I should have insisted you return to your given name once we became friends, but you were so different, and it was easy to think of you as a man I could have. Severus Snape seemed so untouchable, not because I didn't want to have a relationship with you, but because of the barriers you kept so tightly around yourself."

Surprised by her words, he only nodded, feeling her fingers wrap themselves around his. They were so warm and so soft. She stood, pulling him to his feet, and moved around the table toward him. He was shocked when he felt her body press against his, and he backed away. "I'm sorry, I cannot lose myself right now, the spell..." He tried to explain, cursing his own shortcomings. Having been in love as a youth, he knew how consuming a woman could be to him.

Hermione took a deep breath and stepped back. Knowing what it was like for her and Raven helped her to understand what he was saying. "No, Professor Snape, I do understand." She knew he would understand that she was trying to help him re-establish the space between them.

"Madam Granger, I believe it is time we head back to Hogwarts." He turned away, hiding his disappointment in himself from her as he gathered his things.

He took her hand again, they bid Grendel goodbye, and they Portkeyed back to Hogwarts.

******

Later that night Severus stood in his bathroom and looked at his face in the mirror. He felt conflicted about what had happened earlier. Part of him had wanted to make love to Hermione, and part of him had wanted just to ravish her body. It didn't take much thought to know who wanted what. Had he no real feelings for her? Was all the love Raven's? Had he wanted only the sex? When her body had pressed against his, it had taken all his strength to pull away. Few women in his life had ever offered themselves to him. In fact, there were so few that he could count them on one hand. And he had never felt as close to them as he did Hermione Granger. He knew her deep in his soul, yet he did not understand why. He could not remember.

He stared into the mirror into his own eyes, and they were not the unemotional, sheltered eyes he was used to. They were tortured eyes. He had always avoided looking into his own eyes, but he had not seen pain like that in his eyes since Lily had turned away from him that last time. There was a gentleness and a softness there as well. He knew they were Raven's feelings, but they were beginning to feel like his own. The integration, of his two halves, was no longer him or I; it was we.