Chapter One Hundred: Some Truth

Chapter One Hundred: Some Truth

Saturday, 3 April 1999

Severus took the stairs down from Filius's seventh floor suite, which was adjacent to Ravenclaw Tower, and paused when he reached the fourth floor landing. He didn't hesitate long, but headed toward the Hospital Wing rather than continuing down to the dungeons.

At Poppy's door, Mrs Framingham asked him to wait a moment, and she disappeared from her frame. A moment later, Poppy, dressed in her blue, mauve, and lavender dressing gown, opened the door to him.

"Hi, Severus! I wasn't expecting you. I was just doing some last minute packing." She opened the door wider. "Come in!"

Severus stepped in. "I came to see if you would like to go up to the Headmaster's, that is, Dumbledore's, dinner together. I am not planning to be at dinner in the Great Hall this evening, as I have a potion that needs tending, but I could come by a few minutes before seven. If you like, that is. Unless you would prefer to Floo on your own."

"If you wish," Poppy said, closing the door behind him. "I thought that perhaps you might consider it more discreet if we arrived separately."

Severus shrugged. "We are both going, and we are both in the castle, invited for the same time. How and when we arrive will likely go unremarked. I would appreciate attending with you." Having her company might save him some awkwardness if he arrived before any of the other Hogwarts guests did, and only people like Quin and Professor Gamp were there.

"Yes, all right. We can walk down to the gargoyle together, then. I'll probably be in the infirmary, though. I want to go over everything one more time before I leave on holiday, and I'll be away all of tomorrow."

"What's there to go over?"

"Instructions for my locum, if she is called in for whatever reason; notes for the infirmary house-elves; double-checking that the supply cupboards are all in order, easy for a stranger to use without wasting a lot of time looking for things. Madam Fuller was here last week, and I showed her around, so there shouldn't be any problem, but I don't want her carrying stories back to St. Giles saying how slovenly the infirmary is."

"She couldn't, Poppy. The last thing you could possibly be accused of is slovenliness. Unless it were unkindness or unprofessionalism."

Poppy smiled. "Thank you, Severus. Nonetheless, best to make sure everything's ship-shape and Bristol fashion before I go!"

"I doubt there will be any cause for her to even render any services while you're gone. I'm sure that the Headmistress and the staff can adequately handle any minor ills that might arise over those few days, and any others can be brought down to St. Mungo's."

"True, but better to be prepared for her if she should have to Portkey here in an emergency."

"What's she like, this Fuller?"

"She's a competent woman, an experienced mediwitch, about eight or ten years younger than I am, married, two daughters...you were in school about the same time as they were, and you even taught her grandchildren, in fact."

Severus snorted. "Lovely. The woman probably hates me already before ever laying eyes on me."

"I doubt that, Sev. Did you and Filius have a nice conversation after I left?"

"Yes. We viewed the end of the duel again so that I could watch Albus's disappearing act more closely. I think he actually vanished just before the fireball exploded, though it was difficult to tell. We also discussed some of the techniques that Malcolm used." Severus shook his head. "I have rarely seen anyone cast with both hands before, or perform two-handed spells. That was rather something. And his blocks . . . some of them were most instructive. Many of them were not traditional Protegos, nor were they Cantamen repello, although they were more like that than a Protego. And he seemed to use a version of the Parlakkalkan, as well."

"That's the one that explodes with colour, right?" Poppy asked. "I've seen it, but never learned it. It is quite spectacular to view, though."

Severus nodded. "It is. I learned it from Albus several years ago. I believe I was the only Death Eater who knew it...although the Dark– Tom Riddle likely did."

"How did Riddle block spells?" Poppy asked curiously. "Sometimes he seemed to use traditional blocking spells, but other times . . . it was as though some spells simply bounced off of him. Was it a charm of some sort?"

"I don't know. I think it had something to do with the changes he put his body through, or even some potions he took, and perhaps also with some protective magic that he . . . that he absorbed when he and Pettigrew performed the ritual that recreated his body."

"It was frightening to see how he could be attacked again and again and barely notice even when a spell hit him." Poppy shuddered. "It was awful. Simply awful, standing there, watching through the windows, helpless to do anything. Helpless to fight, helpless to Heal." She blinked back tears.

Severus put his arms around her and pulled her into a warm embrace. "I am glad you weren't on the battlefield. You were needed after the battle, whole and unhurt. And I needed you. It was good to wake up and have your voice be the first one I heard."

Poppy gave a shaky laugh. "I'm sure there were others you would have preferred to have heard at that moment. Minerva's. Or Hermione's."

Severus shook his head and drew her down onto the couch with him. "Not preferable, no. In fact, it was particularly reassuring that it was you, and that I had the sense that I was in the Hogwarts infirmary. I knew that the Dark Lord would never allow you to take care of me, even if he allowed me to live."

"But still . . . I sometimes wonder . . . whether I am suited to you. If I'm the sort of witch you really want. Or whether you should be with someone who is more like Minerva or . . . or Hermione. A Gryffindor. Or even a Ravenclaw, one who could match your wit."

"You do. And you . . . I don't know what to say to this. Why would you not be suited to me? I could see if you were to have doubts about my suitability; I hardly have a sterling past. But you . . . any wizard would be lucky to have a witch like you."

Poppy leaned back against the sofa. "It was Minerva you went to see after you were struck by the Adfectus. She was not only the one whom you . . . who triggered the spell, but she was the one whom you sought out. Not me. And you wouldn't have. And if you had seen me on your trip up to Gryffindor Tower to find Minerva, I know that you cannot truthfully say that the spell would have been triggered by the sight of me."

"We . . . you and I . . . we didn't know each other quite as well then. I didn't dislike you, you know. I never have. And you were never disagreeable company, even when I was in a foul mood. Some staff I couldn't bear to have nearby when I was in one of my blackest moods. Even as a student, I trusted you."

"But not as you did Minerva," Poppy pointed out.

"No . . . but that was different. She . . . Oh, Poppy, I don't want to talk about Minerva! I certainly don't want to talk about the Adfectus. I didn't come here for that. I just wanted to spend a little time with you, and I wanted to ask you to go up to the Headmistress's suite this evening with me."

"I told you this morning that I still have my fears and insecurities, Sev. You're not the only one, you know."

"All right. I see that, but I don't understand why you do."

"You could wake up one day and see me, see this Hufflepuff matron, and wonder what ever could have drawn you to her. I don't think I'm your type, I guess."

"I don't think I had a 'type' before I was with you. And now you're it," Severus said with a smile.

Poppy snorted a laugh. "I don't know about that, Severus. You seemed to be rather interested in Lily Evans when she was in school...you were friends with her, anyway. And then there was Minerva, another Gryffindor with a lot of intelligence and a strong independent streak to her."

"Irrelevant," Severus said, uncomfortable with the mention of Lily and not wanting to discuss how disastrous his friendship with her had been...and how he had unknowingly betrayed her and was the indirect cause of her death.

"And what about Hermione Granger?" Poppy asked.

"What about her? She is a friend, but that's hardly surprising. We worked closely together that last year."

"I thought you were interested in her. In dating her," Poppy said bluntly, finally giving voice to the small, niggling fear that had fed so many of her others.

"What made you think that?"

"Weren't you? You do see a lot of each other...or you had been. And Hermione seems . . ." Poppy shrugged. "Some people may have thought that she was interested in you and her feelings were reciprocated."

"Some people . . . you mean Minerva, don't you?"

Poppy shrugged one shoulder. "She did mention her once. About a month ago. But she did say that you weren't dating. If she hadn't, I never would have continued our liaisons."

"It was none of her business to say anything," Severus said, hard anger in his voice.

"I know. I wasn't thrilled, either. But she didn't mean badly, and it's not as though she goes about telling everyone that."

"How do I know that?" Severus demanded.

"Because she's Minerva and she wouldn't. It was just something she told me out of . . . some concern, I suppose, for both of us."

"Hmpf."

"But you haven't answered my question. Or I suppose you have. You were, or are, interested in Hermione."

"No. That is, I'm not. I'm only interested in you, as I told you this morning."

"But you were?"

Severus twitched one shoulder. "As you noticed, she and I became friends. Yes, I considered it. In fact, we had had a date, just one, but it wasn't a real date. I hadn't meant it to be one, but she asked if it was, so I agreed. And then I started seeing you, and even though we were saying at the time that it was just a fling and we wouldn't continue, I still felt that something wasn't right . . . that if I were interested in a fling with you or anyone else, then I oughtn't date Hermione."

"And you told her that?"

Severus nodded. "I didn't say why, exactly. I never mentioned you. I just told her that my life was too complicated at the moment or something of the sort."

"And that's not true now? Is your life any less complicated?"

"It doesn't apply to us, Poppy. You were part of the complication, if I may phrase it that way. It was seeing you that made me realise that I couldn't in good conscience date Hermione. I'd thought that it was appropriate, but then I saw that my feelings for her weren't what I'd thought they were...not that I understood that immediately. But if I had really wanted to date her, I wouldn't have preferred to be seeing you instead."

"I see . . ."

"Besides, after you told me that you wanted to take a break so we could think about what we wanted, I saw her again. I thought I . . . I owed it to her, you see, to offer once more. But it didn't work out. She was already dating someone else, and her interest in me had cooled, I suppose."

"So you went back to her and offered to try again, and when that didn't work out, when she rejected your offer, you came back to me," Poppy said, pulling away from him.

"Well, I wouldn't have put it that way..."

"How would you put it, Severus? What was I? Second prize? Runner-up? Where does Helena fit in? Before or after Hermione turned you down? Before or after you decided to start bringing me flowers and asking me out?" Poppy stood, her face red and her hands trembling.

"It was before, just before, but Poppy..."

"Look, Severus, I think you ought to go now. And get to the dinner party on your own." Poppy turned away.

"You don't understand," Severus began.

"I think I understand quite well." Poppy's voice shook.

"No, you don't." Severus stood and placed his hands on her shoulders, though she stepped away again. "It wasn't you who was the prize. As misguided and completely bone-headed as it may have been, I thought I had an obligation to . . . to be the prize for Hermione, if you want to put it that way...though I'm certainly not much of a prize...to thank her for all her care and for her expectations of me, which I had dashed. Even as I was with her, offering to try to date again, it didn't feel natural, and then when she turned me away, I felt relieved because I could begin seeing you again. And kissing Helena, that was when I realised that nothing would feel right to me but you.

"You kept saying, and you sometimes still imply, that I should find other lovers, but those two encounters, as ill-considered as they may have been, were what brought home to me that I have no desire to take other lovers, that it's you whom I want, Poppy. I want you." He stepped forward again and put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. Her cheeks were bright pink spots and her eyes glistened with tears. He stroked her cheek and pulled her toward him. To his relief, Poppy put her arms around him.

"I know I'm not very polished in this," he said. "I haven't the practice to be the smooth and perfect suitor, and I don't always have the knack of saying the right things in the right way at the right time, not without putting on the cloak of insincerity I so often wore as a spy, but believe me when I say that what I feel for you is honest, Poppy, and if anything, I feel you are far too good for me. If I could win your heart, I would be the most fortunate wizard alive, I am sure. I just wish I were better at this, that I could say all the things a witch wants to hear, and only make you happy with my words and draw you closer."

Poppy shook her head against him, and he could feel her taking a deep breath and swallowing. "I don't want a cloak of insincerity. I want the truth from you, Severus, even if it isn't polished and pretty, packaged up to be more palatable."

"I hope that this truth is palatable, though: I want only you. I would not feel relief if you turned me away...quite the opposite...and I do wish to win your heart."

Poppy nodded. "It just felt for a minute . . . it felt as though some of my fears were true." She looked up at him, her eyes clearer, though her colour still heightened.

Severus sighed and caressed her face, cupping her cheek in his palm. "Today has not been the smoothest one. I have certainly uttered more ineptly expressed truths than usual. I'm sorry I have hurt you again."

"You assuaged my feelings, though." She turned her head and kissed his palm.

"I am glad I could do that. I am still sorry that I hurt you yet again."

"It was my own insecurities, Sev. Better to have them out in the open, I suppose. I feel better now. I think I'll be able to enjoy this evening."

"Shall I come by just before seven, then? We can go together?"

Poppy nodded, taking his hand and sitting back down on the sofa, Severus joining her. "I am still deciding between my pastel blue robes with the cherry blossom pink under-robe, or a set of muted turquoise blue robes that I haven't worn yet this year. I can't finish packing until I decide which to pack and which to wear."

"I think I remember the turquoise robes . . . they have a nice style to them and are quite flattering on you...not that the others aren't flattering!" Severus added hastily, hoping he had not said yet one more inept thing that day.

Poppy smirked, though, and said, "The turquoise ones are a bit more form-fitting, I suppose, and the neckline is lower."

"You will be lovely no matter what you decide to wear, I am certain."

"What are you wearing?"

"I hadn't thought I'd change." He looked down at his everyday suit and loose black teaching robe. "Of course, even after Filius's charms and then your own, I suppose these clothes could use laundering. I probably should change." And Quin would likely be there wearing something that enhanced his already handsome appearance. Likely something that cost a couple hundred Galleons.

"Why not wear what you wore on your birthday?" Poppy suggested. "The silver tie and the grey trousers? And that nice waistcoat."

"You noticed what I wore on my birthday?"

Poppy nodded. "I was glad to see you celebrating it a bit, even if in a small way."

Severus twitched a smile. "Most people think all my clothes look alike."

Poppy shrugged. "I've known you for years, Severus. You have a few favourite teaching robes, plus a couple others which you rarely wear, and you have several different suits. Your trousers are all fairly much the same, but your jackets and waistcoats are each a bit different. I'm sure others have noticed, too. Your manner of dress might use some enlivening, but you do have a particular style, and it suited you for a long time."

"But not any longer?"

"I don't recommend going to Madam Malkin's and ordering a wardrobe of clothes to rival Albus's, but you might expand it a bit, try out a few new additions to your wardrobe."

"I was considering getting my hair cut. McGonagall says I'm stuck in the past with it. What do you think?"

Poppy raised her hand to his hair. "I don't know. It would depend on how you got it cut, and whether it suited your face. I don't think it would look good if it were closely cropped, as Murdoch usually wears his, but some change might be good. You could always use hair growth potion if you don't like it, and a Glamour in the meantime until it grows out again. You do have nice hair, though. I must be honest and admit that I didn't often think so, but you seem to be keeping it better these days, or your stress level has dropped and so your hair is in better condition or something."

"I used to use Shed-Stop Potion on it every day," Severus admitted. "It's not a perfect potion, but it did keep me from losing too much hair during the day when I was out and about."

Poppy looked puzzled for a moment, then said, "Ah, Polyjuice fears. I can certainly understand that in the position you were in. You would hardly want someone to impersonate you in Albus's presence...or anywhere else, of course. But it could have been dangerous."

"Indeed."

"I really must finish packing now, Sev, and change. I was going to shower, but I am planning on being at dinner in the Great Hall this evening, though I won't eat much, so I'm not sure I'll have time for a shower now, and I'll have to hurry as it is."

Severus stood and nodded. "I have to check on my Blood Replenishing Potion, as well. I'll see you later, then."

Poppy nodded and walked him to the door. Severus leaned forward and kissed her lips gently, then kissed her again. He placed his hand on the doorhandle and pressed down on it, preparing to leave, but then he bent close to her again, this time, his lips caressing her cheek before they strayed to her ear.

"I want you to know this now and to remember it while you are on holiday, Poppy: I love you. I love you."

He kissed her once more quickly, then even more rapidly opened the door and closed it again behind him. Poppy just stared at the closed door, reaching toward it as though trying to catch the wizard on its other side, trying to catch him and hear his words again.

Severus felt a warm smile edge its way to the corners of his mouth. He had said it. He had said it when he wasn't in the throes of passion. He had said it when Poppy couldn't believe that he'd said it because he'd wanted something from her in that moment, like sex. He had said it and he had meant it. And she would know it before she saw the impeccable Quin MacAirt at dinner that night and before she went on holiday.

He thought it was good, too, that he hadn't given her time to say anything in return. It would leave her thinking about it, his last whispered words to her on his way out the door, and that way, too, if she didn't love him yet, or if she didn't yet feel comfortable saying it, there hadn't be any awkward moment in which she'd felt she had to say something in return.

He hadn't said those three words to many people in his life, even with those rare people whom he did love. He'd tried once with Lily when he'd tried to apologise to her for calling her a Mudblood, but the words hadn't come out right, and she wouldn't have accepted them, anyway. When he was a small boy, he'd tell his dad he loved him, and his father would either give him a hug or ruffle his hair and tell him he loved him too, or some other words to the same effect.

He thought his mother had told him she loved him, though Severus couldn't remember her ever doing so. One time when he was about four or five, standing in the kitchen beside her as she stirred a pot of stew, he'd held onto her skirt and said he loved her, and she'd patted his head and told him dinner would be in a half hour. For some reason, it was a very clear memory. The smell of the stew cooking, his mother looking distracted and unhappy, and him thinking that she might feel better if he told her he loved her.

More recently, he'd told Minerva he loved her. After the Adfectus incident, it was easier to be free with those words with her...freer than he would ordinarily be comfortable with, anyway. He had said those words to Gareth, too, in a sudden rush of gratitude and affection for him, and he'd immediately regretted it. And he felt love for Albus, but he'd never said exactly that to the older wizard, though he had certainly told him in other words.

He did love Hermione in some way, though he'd never said it to her, and it was clear to him now that the deep affection and regard he had for her was not of the sort he felt for Poppy...or even for Minerva...though Hermione could count on his friendship and his help if ever she needed it. He owed her a debt, but regardless of any debt, he would come to her aid if she asked.

So saying those three words was not something he did often or lightly, and yet it felt perfectly right to have said them to Poppy. I love you. Severus didn't even know entirely what it meant, I love you, and it seemed that he discovered more and more about his love for Poppy as time went on, but he did know that it was true, and he hoped that someday, someday soon, she would say those words to him. But he did not want her to feel pressure to say them, to say them simply in automatic response to his declaration of love. Yes, it was best that he had said them when he had and then left.

Severus smiled again as he opened the door to his private dungeon Potions lab. Perhaps this day was going well, after all. He could even entertain a small hope that Albus's dinner party would be an enjoyable occasion. He snorted to himself. Perhaps he was becoming an optimist after all, he thought with a smirk. If not that, then at least Poppy was imparting a sense of belonging and comfort to his life, something he had believed infinitely impossible just one year ago. Severus Snape had found a life, he thought to himself, not just an existence that had lost any purpose with the defeat of the Dark Lord. Severus Snape was in love.

On returning to his rooms to change clothes before Albus's dinner party, Severus found a note waiting for him on the large table in his sitting room. He recognised the handwriting on the folded parchment immediately. It was from Poppy.

He stared at his name for a moment, just "Severus" written in bright blue ink, then with nervous fingers, he unfolded the note, his heart beating faster.

3 April 1999

Poppy

She'd signed it "Love, Poppy," and he couldn't remember any of her other notes or letters closing with those words, but the mention of "something to discuss" gave him a knot in his stomach. Was she now put off the relationship? Between his confession about the physical intimacy he'd experienced with Gareth, his inadvertently insulting her by making it sound as though she were merely a second-rate consolation prize when that was quite the opposite of the truth, and his abrupt declaration of love, perhaps she had reconsidered going on holiday with him. Or even reconsidered their entire relationship.

He drew out his watch. It hadn't been very long since they had parted. Poppy seemed to be fairly deliberate in her decisions. Would she have made such a drastic decision in just the last couple of hours? Severus shook his head; he felt on solid ground with her despite the bumpiness in their recent conversations.

Poppy had wanted truth from him, and he was giving her as much truth as he could. Minerva had said once that not all truths need disclosing, nor require disclosing to all people, and that there was a time and a place for such disclosure, as well. She had been speaking about certain things that they had had to do in the covert war, including their involvement with the Azkaban prison break, some of the damages done to businesses and people in the wizarding districts in order to close shops and minimise targets for Voldemort's blitz attacks, not to mention the finer details of Albus's "death" and "resurrection," or his own salvation from Nagini's attack...or even why Nagini was important to destroy. They did not want the existence of, the possibility of, Horcruxes to become common knowledge. There were rumours, of course, about how Riddle had managed to survive death on that Halloween night all those years ago, but the Ministry was not going to approve dissemination of the details, and Hogwarts Wizarding History classes would not cover that aspect of Riddle's Dark magic, at least not for another generation or two.

But Severus thought that in a relationship between two people, a close, trusting, honest relationship, there should be as much truth as possible, and certainly no lies that could later be revealed and be interpreted as deceptions. Important, relationship-breaking deceptions.

Severus shook his head. He did not want to lie to Poppy. Whomever else he might continue to lie to, either for ease or for a greater purpose, he did not want to lie to Poppy. There were, however, certain truths about his life and his deeds that he thought it best to protect her from, to protect their relationship from, lest those truths taint the relationship.

As he had told Minerva just that morning, he could not tell Poppy the truth about Gertrude: the truth that he felt uncomfortable around the Arithmancer, beyond uncomfortable, and that this discomfort had been somewhat mitigated by her forgiveness, but still remained despite that. And the greater truth was that he had been the Death Eater who had terrorized Gertrude Gamp in her own home, toyed with her, and sliced off her wand arm, thinking it was funny. That was a truth that he could not tell Poppy, and yet he was afraid that she would learn it somehow. Minerva and Dumbledore would be unlikely to tell her, and Severus trusted Gareth not to say anything, but others might know or guess...Melina, perhaps, or Quin, if he ever learned of it. If Quin found out, Severus had no expectation that he would keep the knowledge to himself, and he would not be at all surprised to find himself on the wrong side of Quin's famous temper and pay for his crime for years to come.

Perhaps he should tell Poppy himself, Severus thought. But not right away. Not until after she'd absorbed the things that she'd heard today. Not until she'd been on holiday and missed him. Not until after their own holiday, if they were still going to go together.

He passed the tips of his fingers over the words, Love, Poppy, again. He nodded slightly, set down the letter, and went into his bedroom to prepare for the party.

At six-thirty sharp, Severus presented himself to the portrait of Mrs Framingham. She left her frame, and almost immediately the door opened, revealing a smiling and lovely Poppy. In addition to wearing the turquoise robes he had recommended, she was wearing silver jewellery: a necklace, a pair of delicate dangly earrings, and a single heavy silver cuff on her left wrist. All were engraved with an intricate pattern of stylized flowers and leaves. He thought she had used make-up charms that evening, as well, though they were subtle.

"Good evening, Severus."

"Good evening, Poppy. You look lovely. The jewellery is quite nice. It goes well with your robes."

She smiled up at him and invited him in, thanking him. "You look more than presentable as well." She smiled as she caught sight of his ring. "Wearing your Snape's Slytherin ring, I see, the 'big daddy of rings,' I believe Blaise called it. One of a kind. Looks nice. You should wear it more frequently."

Severus shook his head. "It is ostentatious for me. Perhaps once all of Snape's Slytherins have left school, I might wear it more frequently, but I am trying to de-emphasise differences within our House. Unity for unity's sake isn't a great ideal, but disunity over something foolish is needlessly destructive. Nonetheless, I do wish Snape's Slytherins to wear their rings with pride and serve as an example for others in our House."

Poppy nodded. "I see. Perhaps you might care to wear it on our holiday?"

"Have you made plans already?"

"I have. You've been to the Tyree estate. There are a number of houses on the grounds, not just the castle and the lodge. There are a few that aren't inhabited. They're kept for guests or for other special purposes. I talked to Minerva about getting one of those for a few days. She was sure that would be fine with Siofre, but she had a better suggestion. She suggested her cottage."

"Her cottage?"

"Yes, she has a cottage in an out-of-the-way spot on the Tyree estate grounds...quite a ways away from the main house or any others, so it's very private. I've been before, and it's well-furnished and well kept up. We'd likely even have a house-elf to attend to our few needs. I thought it sounded perfect, so I accepted...with the caveat that it had to meet your approval, too. But I thought it sounded perfect. We'll be in private; we won't have to worry about using magic or hiding it from Muggles, because it's on the Tyree estate; if we discover we need something, they probably have it at the main house; and it's a perfect point from which to do some hillwalking. Plus, you apparently did tell young Eoghan that you would spend time with him over the holiday. This would offer you the opportunity to do that. What do you say?"

"I feel uncomfortable taking the Headmistress's house. Won't she want to use it?"

Poppy shook her head. "She and Albus have plans to go there for a couple days at the beginning of this week. Think about it; it's a great place and very private. No one would know we were there but Minerva and the folks who live at the estate."

Severus nodded. "All right. It does sound like an acceptable proposal. I will think about it this evening and let you know."

Poppy gave him a swift hug. "Good! I'm looking forward to our holiday!"