Chapter Thirty-Two: Disquiet

Chapter Thirty-Two: Disquiet

Saturday, 6 March – Sunday, 7 March 1999

Despite the fact that it was Saturday, it was still after the late weekend curfew by the time he returned to Hogwarts, and Severus saw no one on his way back to his rooms. He wished he had caught a student. It would have been nice to have someone to vent a little spleen on.

Lying in bed, he thought that he had spent the most peculiar day that he had in a long time. He should have stopped Gareth. He probably should have left altogether. But it had been nice to go to dinner with Hermione. She was so lovely. She had the nicest skin. It seemed to glow. He remembered how it had felt to touch her cheek and kiss her lips. So soft and lovely. Of course, she was young. He was not precisely an old man, but there were days when he felt ancient.

His physical health had improved over the last several months. Once he had recovered from his injuries the previous spring and from the shock of learning that Albus wasn't dead, he had gradually begun to sleep better, regain his appetite, put on weight, and his libido was returning. After the final course of treatments that autumn, his health had continued to improve. He felt better than he had in years. He still had nightmares, but they weren't as frequent, and he could usually wake himself up from them and fall back to sleep. Severus thought that he looked better than he had, too, though he would never be a handsome man. None of that changed the fact that he was twenty years older than Hermione. Not that twenty years was very much, really, especially in the wizarding world, but Hermione was only nineteen. Ten years from now, the age difference wouldn't be as significant; now, though . . . .

He couldn't wait ten years. Put more precisely, ten years from now would be too late. She was here now and so was he. And although he still wasn't clear about what her relationship with Tarrant was, he was sure that if he did not take advantage of this opportunity, he could lose it forever. He could lose her, lose her to Tarrant or to some other wizard. Perhaps even to McGonagall. She wouldn't be his apprentice forever. He might have scruples about having a relationship with her whilst she was his apprentice, but there would be nothing to stop him afterward. He said that she was a bit young for his taste, but he did find her attractive, and Severus always noticed the way he talked to her, meeting her eyes, smiling at her, laughing at her jokes, leaning over and whispering to her as though they shared a secret. And McGonagall was an attractive wizard, no question about that. Much more attractive than he was. Straight white teeth, perfectly proportioned face, that curly chestnut hair, much like Hermione's own, broad shoulders, strong arms and chest, and very virile. And he would be a sensual lover. A sensual and energetic lover. It was difficult to believe that Hermione wouldn't be attracted to him.

No, he certainly couldn't wait ten years for Hermione. He didn't want to wait ten years, or even two. Now that he had expressed his interest and she returned it, he would forge ahead. It might not work, but he would try. He wanted her to fall in love with him. He thought that he was in love with her, that he had been in love with her since he had died with his head in her lap. But he wasn't dead, and she'd seen to it that he lived.

Too warm, he pushed one of his blankets off and rolled over onto his back. He still often had sleepless nights, and he had become used to staring at his ceiling. He rarely stared at his ceiling until a reflected dawn began to filter through his Charmed window any longer, but this might be one of those rare nights.

His mind wandered back to McGonagall. What had possessed him to let McGonagall touch him as he had? It had been completely unexpected, and it had not been something he had believed he wanted. And yet, as McGonagall had touched him, slowly removing his clothing piece by piece, despite his weak protests, he had found himself craving the next touch. The massage had been far too sensual for him...coming from another man. It might be fine for others, but he had never been attracted to other men. Still, he remembered the day that Gareth had spent with him when he'd been recovering after a particularly nasty set of curses had nearly killed him. Gareth had smoothed potion on his healing back and then had helped him in the shower. Gareth had done nothing inappropriate, and he had simply touched him gently, but Severus had felt cared for. Perhaps he had craved McGonagall's touch again and hadn't known it. His eyes closed, he remembered how it had felt to have him massage and kiss his back. He had even kissed his buttocks, soft, light, gentle kisses. His touches were sensual, and his kisses, more so.

Severus reached beneath his sheet and moved his nightshirt up, taking his cock in his hand and stroking it. He remembered how it had felt to kiss Hermione, and he remembered her breasts' gentle curves beneath her soft jumper. He would like to touch those breasts as he kissed her, to feel her soft skin against him, to lie naked on top of her as he kissed her. He imagined lying naked on top of her. They were on the sofa together. He was kissing her and touching her. He would lift his hips as she parted her legs, and he would press his cock against her, and she would reach down and guide it into her. He would kiss her and fuck her, pressed into her, rolling his hips as he entered her, thrusting repeatedly. Gareth would be there. He would see them. He would see them and he would want them both. He would want to fuck Hermione, but he couldn't, because Hermione was his. He would want to fuck him, too, but he couldn't; he wouldn't let him. Gareth would strip down and he would begin to kiss and massage his back as he fucked Hermione. His cock would be inside Hermione's slick warmth, and Gareth would be kissing and massaging his buttocks.

Severus gasped as he came. He lay still for a moment, then he Summoned his wand to his left hand. He cleaned up the wet mess he had made of himself and his sheets, then he swung out of bed and went into the bathroom. He washed up, feeling fresher afterward than he had with just the charms.

Looking in the mirror, he said to himself, "You are one sick fuck, Snape."

He splashed his face with water. Being with Bella, even for such a short time and so long ago, must have ruined him for being with anyone sexually in a normal, healthy way. And after that, his life had been so constrained, he hadn't had any opportunity, or even desire, to develop a relationship with anyone. Still, it had been only a fantasy, he thought as he padded back into the bedroom. And it wasn't as though he wanted to have either of them, even in fantasy, do some of the things that Bella used to do to him. And just because he had McGonagall enter the fantasy, it wasn't the same as what Bella had done with her multiple partners, and it was only fantasy, not reality.

As he climbed into bed, Severus decided that the fantasy wasn't so bad, except that in real life, he would worry about Hermione's pleasure, and not just his. And he didn't think that he would really like it if Hermione only just lay there and let him fuck her. He wanted her to be passionately involved and he wanted her to come. He admitted that part of the reason he wanted her to orgasm was that it would affirm his ability as a lover, but he also wanted her to come just because he wanted her to have the greatest pleasure possible and he wanted to be the one to give it to her.

Severus settled back against his pillow and rolled over. He wished he knew what to make of Gareth. More to the point, he wished he understood how he felt toward him. When he merely thought of young McGonagall's body, he felt absolutely nothing, except a bit of envy, but when he remembered the way it had felt to have him touch him, he began to feel aroused, and when he thought about the other wizard getting an erection on his account, that was arousing, too. Yet when he thought of some other wizard becoming excited and attracted to him, it was quite the opposite of arousing. It was McGonagall himself who caused that reaction.

Severus's friendship with McGonagall was an unlikely friendship in some ways, when he thought about it, but he enjoyed sparring with the Ravenclaw, and he appreciated the younger wizard's easy, warm way. He even enjoyed his infuriating honesty and bluntness. And although McGonagall could be easy-going and let things roll off of him, he could also become angry and bite back when pushed.

Severus thought about his moment of weakness in McGonagall's bedroom, when he had wanted McGonagall to take from him, to punish him in some way, to treat him, perhaps, as Bella had all those years before, as a thing to be used. What he had really wanted was some relief from his guilt. That wouldn't have brought him any real relief, though, and he would have ruined their friendship for them both.

What did he want from Gareth? He thought that it would have been an easy thing for McGonagall to have seduced him when they were there on the couch. Just one touch at a time, he could have brought the encounter from being sensual and erotic to being erotic and fully sexual.

He had broken things off with Bella all those years ago because she had wanted him to let one of the LeStrange brothers bugger him as they were having intercourse and the other brother was doing the same to her. Even if she had only wanted to watch whilst LeStrange took him from behind...and she did like to watch...that would have been too much for him. He couldn't believe that he would want Gareth to do that to him. He'd been fairly pathetic with Bella, he had realised in retrospect, but he'd still had enough pride and sense of self to walk away then.

He should have walked away after Bella had first used a combination of spells and sex to cause him pain and her, pleasure, and would not stop no matter what he said. He had been sore for the next few days, and urinating had been painful; even his testicles had hurt. He had been too embarrassed to seek any treatment for it, though he did brew a couple of potions that had helped. He was not a masochist, and he didn't know why he had allowed her to do that. He had asked her to stop, but she never did, until finally he simply endured it. It seemed that the more he had wanted her to stop, the more she had enjoyed it. But then, Bella had enjoyed having him cause her pain, too, though not to the same degree. She always had to be in control.

Severus sighed, punched his pillow, and rolled over onto his other side. He wondered whether anyone else in the world had ever been as much of an idiot as he had been. When he had worked with Hermione before the Dark Lord was defeated, she had once pointed out to him that she was about the same age as he had been when he took the Dark Mark. She wouldn't have done anything so colossally stupid, though, and she never would have allowed herself to be used, even for a day, as he had let Bella use him for weeks.

Gods, he hoped he wasn't Hermione's Bella. He wouldn't treat her as Bella had treated him, but he was a nasty bastard, he did have a mean streak, and he had been surrounded by violence for much of his life and was prone to striking out both verbally and physically when angered. As much as his disposition may have improved, and as much as he was trying to be a new man and overcome his past, he was still nasty and temperamental. That evening had been a perfect example. They could have been having a good time, but he had had to become obsessed first with the fact that he didn't have any Muggle money with him, and then with Hermione's relationship with Tarrant. He had behaved like an obnoxious child. Hermione hadn't put up with his behaviour, but she had put up with him. She had been very clear that his behaviour was unpleasant and she didn't like it, but that she would let him behave like an idiot if he wanted to. He had tried self-sabotage, and she had stopped him in his tracks.

Severus remembered Hermione's smile when he had apologised. There had been a time when the words, "I'm sorry," could scarcely be pried from his lips...most of his life, in fact. No, he wasn't her Bella. Even if it were a mistake for her to see him, it couldn't be of the same type as the one he had made with Bella. Or that he had made when he had willingly allowed himself to be branded with the Dark Mark.

Hermione could become his anti-Bella. He would be a better man for her. She brought out the best in him. He would let her. He loved her.

The image of Hermione's smile in his mind, Severus drifted off to sleep.

On waking, Severus called Twiskett for some coffee. He looked out his Charmed window, which displayed a view of the lake, and saw that it was raining. It made no difference to his day. Each Sunday was much the same as any other for him when school was in session, only varying by whether he was assigned curfew checks or mandatory meal attendance or not. Since he was Deputy and he drew up the assignments, he could easily avoid having any duties on the weekends. At first, he had taken advantage of that, but a few weeks into September, he had found that without any obligations on the weekend, he was restless. The previous year, he hadn't bothered altering the assignments; he walked the corridors at all hours, anyway, whether it was his turn or not, so it made no difference to him. After three peaceful weekends that autumn, though, he had revised the October rotation.

That day, he had no requirement to attend meals, but as a matter of practicality, he would. At least he could leave when he was through eating instead of waiting until the students left. He didn't mind patrolling the halls...there was some pleasure to be taken in that...but he disliked sitting through a meal watching others eat after he had finished. Knowing that about Severus, Albus had traded some of his patrols for some of Severus's meals, and now it had become a regular part of the schedule. Albus, after all, enjoyed sitting at the table with the other staff and chatting with them, whereas Severus usually found it tedious.

Severus stepped into the shower. The peace he had felt before he fell asleep seemed to have dissipated, and now he felt a creeping anxiety. What if McGonagall said something to Hermione? What if he told her about what had happened, how they had spent their time together? Or what if Professor Gamp guessed and asked him about it...in front of Hermione? She was polite to him, but she must hate him, no matter what Gareth said about her. She must know her son's sexual proclivities, and if she wondered what they had done between lunchtime and teatime . . . .

Then there was Hermione herself. He did want her, and he was not so much of a fool as to believe that Hermione wasn't interested in him. Now. But he knew his nature and he also knew hers. She was always taking on the cause of the underdog. She was kind and sympathetic, and if she believed that someone was being treated unfairly, she wouldn't simply stand by and watch. He was sure that that sympathy had played a role in her becoming attached to him when she was a student. He also didn't doubt that she had affection for him and enjoyed his company. But would that affection withstand a closer relationship? She dealt with it well when he was miserable and unpleasant now, but even she would eventually lose her patience with him. And he did try not to say cruel, biting things to her, and he had little desire to lash out at her that way. But there would come a time when he would say something cruel to her, and eventually he would say something unforgivable. And if he hurt her, struck out at her, hit her or cursed her . . . the mere thought of hurting Hermione caused him an almost physical pain.

His grandfather had hit and hexed his mother, his father had even hit his mother once, sometime in that last year or so that he was with them; he had been drunk, and his mother's defensive curses had taught his father very quickly, even drunk, not to touch her. His grandfather had used both hexes and his cane to beat the Muggle out of him. His father had never hit him, though. He had thought that his father had loved him, but he hadn't even tried to bring him with him when he left. He hadn't even said good-bye. Even thirty years later, that memory still hurt.

If he ever hit or hexed Hermione, he wouldn't need Hermione to leave him, he would leave her. He could never allow that; even once would be too much. No matter what else happened between them, even if she hurt and betrayed him, he could never believe that she deserved such a thing and he could never strike out in anger. At some point, if they continued dating, he would have to tell her that.

Before Riddle's defeat, he had thought that he would have to tell Hermione about all his misdeeds one day. That day had never come, even after the Dark Lord fell. At first, he was recovering from Nagini's bite, and then there were all the postwar celebrations. Hermione had to leave and retrieve her family from Australia and relocate them once again. He had visited her in Cornwall, but it had been a time to discuss the immediate future, not the past. Then she had revised for her NEWTs, which had been administered at the end of August since the end of the school year had been disrupted. After that . . . it never seemed the right time. Hermione was always full of conversation about her apprenticeship or her Muggle classes or the latest Ministry policy...which interested her far more than it did him, although her enthusiasm for policy-making was charming.

Severus stepped out of the shower. He would tell her about his time as a Death Eater, and he would do it soon. Of course, she might decide before then that it had been a mistake to go out with him. But he would tell her soon.

He passed the morning reading essays, which was enough to put him in a bad mood, apart from his other worries. He didn't think that the students listened to anything he said or understood anything they read. Severus doubted that some of them had even bothered looking at the textbook, let alone any of the recommended texts. Every year, he put together a list of recommended reading for each class, and every year, it seemed more pointless to him. Hermione had been one of the few students who had ever read the recommended texts, but she was exceptional in every way.

After lunch, Severus found himself growing more restless. He tried not to think about Gareth, but by midafternoon, he decided that the only way that he could put it out of his mind was if he talked to the other wizard. He needed to know whether he had said anything to anyone, and he hoped that Professor Gamp had not been angry with Gareth for letting him into the house. And he just felt he needed to see him for some vague, unidentifiable reason.

Severus penned a quick note and sent it off by owl, short and to the point: "GM...I need to see you....S.S.S."

Forty-five minutes later, the owl returned.

"Snape...come down to the house. I'm home....McG."

"McGonagall...Alone....S.S.S."

The next note directed Severus to meet him at the Hog's Head. That wasn't alone. Not only was it not alone, it was in public. He had never felt uncomfortable in public with Gareth before, but after their intimate encounter, he now had an irrational fear that people would see them together and believe they were a couple.

In the interest of getting it over with, though, he decided against further correspondence, and simply sent back a note saying, "McG...14.45...SS"

NEXT

Chapter Thirty-Three: At Spinner's End

Sunday, 7 March 1999

Severus meets Gareth in Hogsmeade and Apparates him to Spinner's End so that they can have a private discussion.

Rated T.

Characters: Severus Snape, Gareth McGonagall

UPCOMING

Chapter Thirty-Four: Uncertainty

Sunday, 7 March 1999

Severus finds himself in a situation he brought about but nonetheless hadn't expected.

Rated MA.

Characters: Severus Snape, Gareth McGonagall

Chapter Thirty-Five: Friendship

Sunday, 7 March 1999

Severus is grateful for his friendship with Gareth, but wants there to be no misunderstandings about it. Gareth reassures him, but Severus nonetheless worries about what the events of the day may mean.

Rated MA.

Characters: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Gareth McGonagall

Chapter Thirty-Six: A Darkly Smouldering Magnetism

Monday, 8 March 1999

A member of the Hogwarts staff is attracted to Severus when he accidentally seems to flirt with her, which alarms him. Filius teases him gently about it. Later, Severus has a conversation with Minerva and discusses his relationship with Hermione.

Rated T.

Characters: Severus Snape, Filius Flitwick, Minerva McGonagall, Sarah Duffy, others.

Chapter Thirty-Seven: An Exercise in Harmless Flirting

Monday, 8 March 1999

Severus decides to try out some harmless flirting after having been told that he has "a darkly smouldering magnetism." It doesn't go quite as planned.

Rated T.

Characters: Severus Snape, Surprise!

~To Be Continued in Part Four~