Chapter Seven: Waxing

Chapter Seven: Waxing

Saturday, 29 August 1998

Severus didn't bother to hold back a pitiful moan, which came out more like the mew of a kitten. Gods, just let him die. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged himself.

"Sit up, Severus," Poppy said. "Come, sit up. I tell you, you will feel better if you sit up."

"No," Severus moaned.

Poppy shook her head and waved her wand, adjusting the head of the bed which Severus had collapsed upon a few minutes earlier.

He did feel mildly better now that he was more upright, but he didn't open his eyes or uncurl himself. All the torture he'd been through, and he was laid low by a Healing potion. It would be humiliating if he felt well enough to feel humiliated.

"You need to breathe."

"I'll be sick." He was certain that if he breathed too deeply, he would vomit. His entire body would vomit. He had never felt so nauseated in his life. It was as though every one of his cells was nauseous, not just his stomach. He was sweating and salivating, and he didn't know why he wasn't throwing up.

"I can give you something for the nausea in a little while," Poppy said softly. "It is probably little comfort to you at the moment, but the texts I read last night said that for the three percent of patients who are affected by nausea, that side-effect subsides completely by the fourth dose for almost all of them."

Severus didn't even bother to moan in response. Only three percent and he had to be one of them. Typical of his luck.

"The good news is that there don't appear to be any untoward spikes or dips in your magical flow, so the dosage is not too high," Poppy said. "I'd like to check your flow each time you take the Elixir, but if you take it and I'm not with you, you'll just have to rely on how you feel and let me know if anything feels strange. I will need to check you a few times a day to make sure that there are no negative effects on your core."

"I'm going to die," Severus groaned, unable to think about what Poppy was saying.

"Someday, yes," Poppy said, "but not from the nausea, as awful as it must be."

He felt a lukewarm flannel pass over his face. "Go 'way."

She didn't reply, and a moment later, he heard her footsteps as she walked away. He hadn't really believed she'd leave.

A few moments later, she returned, however, and he heard her put something down on the bedside table, then she put an arm under his shoulders, lifted him slightly, and he could feel the whisper of her magic as she removed the pillow from beneath his head and a fresh one replaced it.

"There, that's better," she said. "You're streaming with perspiration." She wiped his face again. "I think that next time, you might want to have a change of clothes handy or wear a nightshirt."

"Mmm." He was beginning to feel slightly better. Now only his stomach was nauseated, not his entire being, but he became aware of a headache like a band tightening itself around his head. He managed to swallow. "Headache."

"I have some Headache Potion here for you. Ninety percent of patients who experience nausea also get a severe headache. Fortunately, it is easily treated with the standard potion. In about ten minutes, I can give you something for the nausea and then you can take the Headache Potion."

"Mmm."

"Would you like me to leave you alone in the meantime?" Poppy asked.

"Don't care," Severus mumbled. He did hope she would stop talking about nausea, side-effects, and percentages if she did stay.

"I'll just have a seat, then," she replied. "Let me know if you want anything or if you suddenly feel worse."

Severus tried to distract himself by doing a mental inventory of the students' Potions cupboard. That reminded him of the appearance, texture, and odour of some of the ingredients, though, and made him feel worse. Animals. His father used to play an animals game with him. They would take turns naming animals in alphabetical order. There were some letters that would stump them, and then they'd make up an animal and describe it in ridiculous detail when the other one challenged it. They never made it all the way through the alphabet. His father would have him dissolved in laughter before they got past the letter S.

"Aardvark," he mumbled. At five, that had been his favourite 'A' animal. "Bear. . . . Cougar." He paused, thinking. He didn't want to use 'Dog.'

"Doe," Poppy said.

Severus paused. He'd scarcely been aware that he'd been speaking out loud. "Elephant."

"Ferret."

"Mm," Severus thought a moment. "Goat."

"Hare," Poppy replied promptly.

"Ibex." Severus smiled slightly.

"Jenny."

"Good one," Severus said. "K . . . K . . . Kine."

"Does that count?" Poppy asked with a frown.

Severus didn't even crack an eyelid. "Cattle, cows, bovine animals. It counts."

"All right. Didn't seem it should. Llama."

"Meerkat." Another one he had liked as a boy. His father told him that someday they would take a trip to a zoo and they'd see real meerkats. But then things got worse at home . . . and they stopped playing the game. He was getting too old for it, anyway.

"Oh, dear. N. Seems it should be easy," Poppy said. "N . . . I'm a blank!"

"You can pass."

"You'll win."

"No winning or losing. Just . . ." Severus shrugged slightly and took a deep breath. He still felt sick to his stomach, but it wasn't quite as bad.

"Nightjar."

They usually only used mammals, but he liked that one, so he let it go. Poppy didn't know the game, anyway.

A few more letters, then Poppy declared that he could take the other potions for the side-effects.

Severus opened his eyes and swallowed down the anti-nausea potion she gave him, then she poured him a dose of Headache Potion, and he took that, too. In less than a minute, he felt almost well, though limp and damp with sweat.

"Feel better?"

"Much."

"I'm going to talk to Melina. I'll give her the results, of course, but there might be something that we can give you before you take the potion that will make it easier on you."

Severus nodded, feeling somewhat embarrassed now about his reaction to the nausea.

"You probably don't feel like going down to breakfast, but you should eat something, at least something light."

"I don't know how I'll teach on Tuesday with this," Severus said, swinging his legs around as he sat up. "And I'll be on the other potion then, as well."

"The side-effects should have passed by then. If you take the Ferron's Elixir early enough in the morning, you should be fine by your first class even if you're still having mild side-effects."

"And the other potion?"

"We won't know about any side-effects until you begin taking it, I presume, but you didn't seem to have any to the earlier versions of the potion. I'll ask Melina what she might expect."

He didn't want to begin the term like this. It was important to set the right tone from the start, particularly with the first-years. They needed to take Potions seriously and they needed to take him seriously. They certainly wouldn't if he looked like a limp damp rag.

"I'll call for some breakfast for you. Do you want anything in particular?" When Severus shook his head, she said, "I'll keep you company, if you like. I haven't had my first cup of tea yet, and I could use a bite to eat, myself."

"As you wish," Severus replied. Now that she was done torturing him, she should just leave him be.

After she left the room to call for their breakfast and report to Melina, Severus stood, feeling somewhat shaky but much improved, and went over to the washstand to wash his hands and face. Looking in the mirror, he thought that he looked worse than he had before he'd learned there was anything wrong with him. Worse than he had when he'd got out of bed that morning. There were certainly shadows under his eyes that hadn't been there before. He hadn't had time the night before to read up on Ferron's Elixir, and the little bit of information he'd found in one of his general Potions texts that morning hadn't been very useful. Fine if he were brewing it, but not when he was the one taking it.

Poppy had mentioned texts she'd read, and there had been a few books stacked on her desk when he'd arrived to get the potion. They'd probably be more helpful than the books he had in his office. He could make a trip to the library, he supposed.

A house-elf popped in with two breakfast trays and placed them on the bedside tables.

"Would Professor sir like anything else?" the house-elf asked.

"No. . . . Thanks."

She nodded and was gone. As Deputy Headmaster, he was supposed to know all of the house-elves, but he didn't, and even many of those whom he did know, he couldn't keep their peculiar names straight. He supposed he would just have to pay better attention. It wasn't as though it was Advanced Potions.

Severus sat and lifted the lid from one of the plates. Fried eggs, quartered tomatoes, grilled mushrooms. There was a rack of wholemeal toast on the tray and a small pot of jam. He presumed that the other breakfast was identical. He re-covered the plate and poured himself a cup of tea. He usually preferred coffee in the mornings, but even though he wasn't nauseous any longer, the tea appealed to him more that day.

He was pouring his second cup of tea when Poppy came back.

"I was just speaking with Melina. She thinks that the nausea is definitely temporary and that it will get better each time you take the Elixir. Didn't the breakfast appeal to you? I could order you something different."

"I thought I'd wait . . . since you're eating here," he said gruffly. It hadn't seemed very polite to eat his own breakfast when she'd made arrangements to eat up there just to keep him company, even if he hadn't wanted her to.

Poppy smiled and sat down. "She said that if you have any other intermittent side-effects, you should find me and tell me immediately. And especially be sure to tell me if you begin to feel feverish. We will need to let Melina know right away and either stop the potion or reduce the dosage. I'll spend the day either here or in my quarters and let you know if I have to go somewhere else."

Severus nodded. "Did she say anything else?"

"She's checking with Murdoch about how the other potion is coming. She wants me to be with you the first couple times you take it, and she's given me some specific diagnostic spells she wants me to cast to see if it's affecting the toxins."

"When the potion's dropped off, could you give Murdoch...or whoever delivers it...something for me?" Severus asked.

"Of course."

Severus reached into his pocket and pulled out the golden wristband from the night before. "It's Brennan's, I believe. McGonagall...Gareth...forgot to take it back. If they could get it to the O'Donalds . . ."

"Sure," Poppy said, smiling as she took the wristband. "Did you go to one of the parks? Which one?"

"I don't know. We Apparated directly into the park. There were a lot of golden cups on the signs, but I didn't notice a name anywhere."

"Have a good time?"

Severus just looked at her and took a bite of toast. He was not going to have people discussing his outings behind his back or laughing about the greasy git going to the amusement park. "It wasn't my idea."

"Oh . . . well . . . I hope you had a good time, anyway."

They finished their breakfasts in silence. Severus stood.

"I'll see you this evening for your second dose," Poppy said, "but I'll let you know if the other potion arrives before then. You might want to start it immediately."

"I'm supposed to take it every six hours. I don't want it timed so I'm getting up at three in the morning to take it," Severus said, irritated.

"We'll keep that in mind, then," Poppy replied mildly.

"I'm going to the library."

"You should take it easy, Severus. You've been teaching Potions long enough not to need to do more preparation today, I'm sure."

"Perhaps, but I am going for my own purposes," Severus replied.

Poppy was the quick Hufflepuff. "Reading up on Ferron's Elixir?"

He nodded. "I have texts with the formula, of course, and with commentary aimed at a Potions master, but they are not for an apothecary or Healer, let alone for a patient."

"I can save you a trip to the library, if you like," Poppy said, standing. "You can borrow my books, then return them this evening. I made notes, so I won't need them again immediately."

"That would be convenient. Thank you." He hadn't wanted to ask to borrow them, but he was glad that she had offered. Not that knowing more about the potion would help him avoid the nausea, but he would like to refresh his memory on the dangers the Elixir could pose and the symptoms that presaged them. Best to know what to expect.

Severus watched as Poppy closed the door behind her. He supposed it was good of her to come down at midnight to watch him take his first dose of the Nagini potion and make sure he didn't have any bad reaction to it, and then to cast the spells that Melina had requested. Still, he couldn't help but resent the intrusion. It wasn't so much Poppy's presence as it was the reason for it that bothered him. Now that he wasn't a spy any longer, he wasn't supposed to have Healers and mediwitches dropping in at all hours to watch him take potions and to cast diagnostic spells on him.

The second dose of Ferron's Elixir earlier that evening hadn't been as bad as the first one had been, but even though Poppy had given him a mild anti-nausea potion a half hour before the Elixir, it had still been highly unpleasant. He told Poppy that he would take the next dose on his own, and the next dose of the Nagini potion, as well, so she had given him a bottle of the antiemetic potion and told him to see her immediately if there was a problem.

He still had to report to her after breakfast, and again at three other points during the day so that she could cast the diagnostics that Melina had prescribed. He supposed that it could be worse. Melina could have wanted to admit him to the clinic. Better than being at St. Mungo's, but only marginally.

At least he'd had a valid excuse when he'd received McGonagall's owl that afternoon, he thought as he got ready for bed. He'd written back and said that his potions regimen didn't permit such an outing, but that he wished Hermione well. Somehow, the fact that he really was hampered by his current medical condition made him wish that he could meet them for lunch. It was perverse, like everything else in his life.

Severus sat on the edge of his bed and, using a long wooden match, lit one of the candles that Minerva had brought down for him the night before.

"Twiskett!"

He had barely finished calling the elf when he was there.

"Lights, please," Severus said.

The house-elf snapped his fingers and all the regular Charmed lamps went out.

"Wake me at five minutes before six," Severus told the elf. He had to take his next dose of the Nagini potion at six.

Twiskett nodded and waited and, when there were no further instructions, vanished with a sharp crack.

Severus made sure that his box of matches was within reach, then he put out the candle with a brass snuffer and crawled into bed. He lay there, sleepless, trying to put out of his mind all of the thoughts that crowded through it, but he only succeeded in becoming very aware of the fact that he was completely helpless and vulnerable, that without magic, he was worse off than the greenest first-year, and that this could become a permanent condition. The Order's former spy, reduced to living like a Squib...or worse. So much of a wizard's or witch's vitality depended upon the health of their magical core.

He had put off talking to Minerva that afternoon when she came down to see him. He really was feeling as though it had been a mistake to return to Hogwarts, but despite that feeling, he didn't want Minerva to think the same, and he was afraid she would. He didn't know what he would do if she suggested he leave Hogwarts until he was fully recovered. He had no idea when that would be. There would be no point to recovering if he weren't teaching. He could rot at Spinner's End as easily as a Squib as he could as a wizard.

Finally, Severus sat up in the dark, felt for the matches, and lit the candle. He got out of bed and, carrying his candle, crossed the room and lit the candles on his dresser. He pulled off his nightshirt and dressed quickly in black trousers, white shirt, and a lightweight black over-robe, finally slipping on a pair of black trainers. After pinching out the two candles on the dresser, he picked up the other one and carried it through his suite. When he opened the door to the corridor, which was well lit by torches, he put out the candle and set it on a nearby bookshelf.

He strode through the empty, silent castle and came to the great oak doors. He'd never had to open them without magic after they had been barred for the night. He hoped it was possible. If it wasn't, he'd have to leave through one of the other exits. Minerva had said that she had changed the passwords on the doors and gates so that they did not require any magic. When he protested about the security, she reminded him that when Filch was there, they never commonly had such precautions on the gates nor on any of the doors other than the main ones. That was when he had told her that he was tired and needed to take a nap.

He hadn't needed a nap; he hadn't liked the feeling that he was being compared to Filch, though he knew that wasn't how Minerva had intended it. But he didn't want to talk about his teaching and have her possibly extend the analogy in her own mind and decide to send him away.

Fortunately, although it did take some effort, it was not impossible to unbar the main doors without magic. As the door swung shut behind him, Severus heard the bar fall back into place with a bang. He hadn't realised it would do that, but he could reenter the castle through one of the other doors.

It was a beautiful clear night, the air cool and fresh. He walked down to the edge of the lake and stared across it, unable to see the further shore. The stars were bright, though the moon was not, and Severus sat on a bench and looked up at the countless stars in the deep black sky. He was overwhelmed by a sudden sense of peril, as though the unending sky would swallow him whole. His heart raced and he closed his eyes against the dizzying sight.

Swallowing, Severus leaned forward and held his head in his hands. It must be some side-effect of the potions, or perhaps of Nagini's toxins in his blood as they fought for survival. He hadn't eaten much dinner; it could be he was simply hungry. He tried to breathe calmly and regularly.

Footsteps approached, but Severus recognised them, so he only raised his head and tried to sit up straight.

"Perfesser Snape?"

"Hagrid," Severus sighed.

"Couldn't sleep?"

Severus shook his head.

"Mind some company?"

He shook his head again and moved over to the end of the bench.

Hagrid lowered his large form to sit beside him, and Fang stretched himself out at their feet. Severus felt he should object to the dog, but there was something comforting about the animal's large paw resting across his feet and his great head leaning heavily against his ankles, warm and alive.

The two sat in silence for a while, then Hagrid asked, "Aren't feelin' well?"

Severus twitched one shoulder slightly. "I've been worse."

They were quiet for a bit longer.

"Couldn't you sleep?" Severus asked.

"Went to the Hog's Head for a while t'night, then when I got back, I was a tetch restless and had the feelin' I should take a walk. Almost caught the stoat, but di'n't quite, so thought I'd jest stroll a bit. Then I saw you."

Severus reached down and rubbed Fang's head. The old dog whimpered happily and rolled like a puppy, showing its belly.

"Moon's waxin'," Hagrid observed. "Good time fer startin' something new. Good time fer feedin' the plants. Must be a good time t' begin takin' the potions an' gettin' stronger, too. Not that I know much 'bout potions, o' course. Or Healin'. Still, seems as good a time as any. You'll be feelin' better, Perfesser. I know it."

Severus knew that Hagrid couldn't possibly know anything of the sort, but he appreciated the half-giant's attempt to cheer him up. And he was somewhat correct about the waxing moon. Although it could easily be that the waxing moon would favour the toxins. They wanted to grow and multiply, too. His shoulders slumped at the thought.

Hagrid looked over at him. "Sorry, Perfesser. Di'n't mean t' make you feel worse. I'm jest not very good at knowin' what t' say sometimes. It's only that . . . sometimes you get a feelin' about a creature...not that yer a creature, o' course...but I jest get that feelin' now, that y'll be a'right. That's all."

"Thank you, Hagrid." He was ham-handed about it, but he meant well. He was one of the few people whom Severus felt he could take at face value, more or less.

They sat in silence a while longer, then Hagrid slapped his thighs and took in a deep breath. "Well, Fang and me better be gettin' t' bed." He stood, then looked down at Severus. "Y' know, Perfesser, if yer worried 'bout the whole magic thing, if that's botherin' you, well, it shouldn't. Everybody knows yer powerful magic, an' the Healers will make sure you stay that way. Yer jest not usin' it right now. Anybody'd be a fool t' think yer any weaker 'cause yer choosin' t' rest up a bit."

Severus looked up at Hagrid and gave him a quick, crooked grin. "Good night, Hagrid. Sleep well."

"You, too, Perfesser. Hope yer bed's more comfterble now!" He started to walk away, then he turned and said, "Besides all that, Perfesser, yer a great wizard, and th' most important thing about bein' a great wizard, is havin' a great heart. All great wizards got great hearts. Jest gotta give it room t' grow, that's all. Jest give it some room." With that pronouncement, Hagrid whistled to Fang, who had wandered down to the edge of the water, and the two headed around the castle, back to the small cabin that Hagrid had called home for more than fifty years.

Severus shook his head at the retreating form. Hagrid loved the world's least lovable creatures, and only he could possibly have come out with such a statement about him. Severus quirked a small smile to himself. Hagrid and Hermione had that in common, if nothing else. He was one of the more tolerable Gryffindors, at least in small doses, though he would never have admitted that to anyone.

Severus stood, stretched slightly, then set off toward the small door at the base of the North Tower. Six o'clock would arrive very soon.

Next

Chapter Eight: Business as Usual

Sunday, 30 August 1998

Severus tries to carry on with his preparations for the new school year despite the set-backs.

Characters: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Poppy Pomfrey