Chapter Forty-Nine: Normal Life

Chapter Forty-Nine: Normal Life

Saturday, 13 March 1999

Severus spent the rest of the afternoon preparing for the next week's classes. He was well-organised, so much of the preparation, that which could be done in advance, was usually done before the first of September, but that year had been different. Nonetheless, his preparations were minimal. After doing a very rapid rough inventory of ingredients to be certain that there were sufficient quantities on hand of what would be needed in that week's potions, Severus sat down with a stack of student parchments. Whatever people might think of his teaching methods or his dedication to teaching, Severus did try to design most of the students' assignments with the purpose of having them understand the material and successfully sit their OWLs and NEWTs, and he also tried to understand whatever it was that particular students were weak in. When he'd been spying on the Dark Lord, he hadn't been able to devote as much time or mental energy to helping individual students overcome their weaknesses as he had earlier in his teaching career...although he still felt no inclination to help them if they were lazy dunderheads who just needed a swift kick...but now that he could begin focussing on his teaching again, he was putting more effort into helping the students whom he believed to be trying and who were not complete dunderheads.

Ginny Weasley was one of those who wasn't a dunce, but her performance had significantly declined that year. Even her essays were suffering, he thought, looking at the one in front of him. She had never been brilliant at Potions, and her essays had never stood out as exceptionally insightful, but this year, they had been barely adequate. Her brewing was even sloppy, and again, she had never been truly outstanding, but she had always been attentive and competent, doing well enough in her OWLs to enter NEWTs-level Potions, and well enough in class the previous year to continue with it. He had even changed her brewing partner after the Christmas holidays, placing her with a very careful and meticulous Ravenclaw, but rather than that improving her work, giving her a new level to strive toward, he found that Ginny gradually began to rely on him to do all the work.

Severus closed up his office to go up to the Great Hall. He was pleased that he and Poppy had been able to spend some collegial time together without jumping on each other...of course, they had been with other people almost all of the time, and that would hardly have been appropriate. He could scarcely suppress a smirk at the thought of them suddenly turning to each other in the middle of Pomona's sitting room and beginning to kiss and undress each other. Or at the Quidditch game. Still, they had avoided any temptations. He hadn't spoken to her about that yet, but he thought she must be agreed about the wisdom of abstaining from any further sexual relations, at least for the time-being. Certainly their imprudent behaviour the previous night should be enough to demonstrate to them both that they should exercise restraint.

He took his seat and began to eat quickly. He ate even more quickly when he saw Duffy speaking with Vector, who usually sat to his right. Vector nodded, agreeing to something. Severus hoped that it had something to do with some Hogwarts business, but those hopes were dashed as he saw Vector taking a seat toward the end of the table where Duffy usually sat, and Duffy continuing on down to sit beside him. He wished that Minerva weren't engrossed in conversation with Albus and Caspar Lloyd, the Ancient Runes teacher.

"Hi, Severus!" Duffy said cheerily as she sat down next to him.

"Professor Duffy," he said with a nod, but keeping his eyes on his plate and shovelling a forkful of diced turnips into his mouth. He didn't know how it was that when Poppy greeted him cheerfully, he didn't mind it...he even liked it...but when Duffy did, it grated on his nerves.

"You don't need to be so formal with me! It's Sarah!" she said.

Severus chewed his turnips until they were pureed, then he grunted an unintelligible response, by which he meant, "bugger off," and then he stabbed a piece of beef and put it in his mouth and chewed. Duffy was prattling on about the Quidditch game...she was a Hufflepuff, so she was thrilled they had won...and Severus was trying to ignore her and her high-pitched squeals of bethrillment, or whatever one could call it, when he suddenly felt a most alarming sensation. Someone's bare foot was creeping over his ankle. Good gods, did the witch have no sense whatsoever? Even with the long tablecloth on the table that night, it was possible for students to see their feet if they were sitting in just the right place. He shook off Duffy's foot, then he turned to her.

"I look forward to nights when they serve beef, don't you? It's never quite rare enough for me, though. I like mine with the blood still oozing. In fact, fresh cut from the animal is best...did you know that if the animal's heart is still beating when you . . . strip its flesh and eat it, the blood is so much tastier? Of course, that is a delicacy that has become rare in recent days. Haven't had a proper piece of raw meat for about a year, now. And forget blood pudding. Just drinking it . . . straight . . . from . . . the . . . jugular," Severus said slowly, eying Duffy's skinny neck, "that is the proper way to appreciate it."

Duffy turned green and leapt up, rushing toward the side chamber and slamming its door open, one hand over her mouth.

Minerva looked over at him. "Severus? What's wrong with Sarah?"

"I believe she discovered that our tastes are not compatible," Severus replied with a smirk.

"She looked as though she was going to be sick," Minerva said.

Severus just ate a carrot, but unable to suppress his sense of satisfaction.

"Sev-er-us!" Minerva said. "What did you do to Sarah?"

"I didn't do anything, Minerva," he replied. He lowered his voice. "It is what she did to me. She was trying to play footsie with me under the table."

"That is inappropriate . . . unless certain precautions have been taken," Minerva said. "So what did you say to her? Did you threaten her that if she tried it again you would do something hideous to her?"

Severus shook his head. "No . . . I merely expressed my opinion of the beef being served. Vegetarians...they're all hypersensitive aesthetes, you know."

"I've never seen her bothered by others eating meat before this."

"I may have been a bit descriptive about my preferences. And exaggerated a little," Severus said. He looked at Minerva, an undisguised expression of satisfaction on his face. "But if she comes to you suggesting that I might have peculiar proclivities, you will know why."

"What did you say?" Minerva asked curiously.

"I rather implied that I like to eat animals alive and drink fresh blood. The thought of which would also put me off my meal if I actually let myself consider it very long." Severus took a drink of water.

"Oh, Severus," Minerva moaned. "Why? You need to be careful about what you say to people."

"She is lucky I only disgusted her. Her physical assault on me could have provoked far worse."

"Hmpf. I will speak to her. I will explain that you have a peculiar sense of humour. I will also explain to her about etiquette in the Great Hall when there are students present."

"Yes, do. I doubt she'll be putting her feet or hands anywhere on me again, but you might save some other hapless soul," Severus said.

"She isn't that bad, Severus."

"That's what people tell me, but I would prefer she expended her energy on a different wizard. And she is old enough to know better than to try to play footsie in the Great Hall, particularly with me."

Minerva rose. "I had better find her before she starts telling people that you're a cannibal or something," she said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Minerva," Severus said.

"Just be careful, Severus. Duffy was well-disposed to you, though I doubt she is any longer, but there are still some who aren't. It may not be right, but you need to be careful about whom you joke with...or torment."

Severus nodded, trying to feel more contrite than he did.

After Minerva had left, Albus leaned over. "So, you are now having to beat off the ladies, eh, Severus?"

"Hardly," Severus said drily. "Duffy is simply desperate, and she apparently misunderstood my attempt a few days ago to determine whether she was so cheerful because she was indulging in recreational potions."

"I don't know, Severus," Albus said, moving over into Minerva's chair, which Severus hadn't ever seen him do since he returned from the dead. "There are probably a good many wizards who would find her quite attractive."

"Let her play footsie with them, then," Severus said under his breath.

"Oh, so she is that enamoured of you!"

"No, she is that foolish."

"Well, if not her, then someone else. Hermione, perhaps?"

"We are friends only," Severus said, wishing they hadn't served rhubarb pie that evening, which was one of the few desserts he hated to miss.

"Minerva and I were friends for years before we became a couple. A friendship is a marvellous basis for a strong, solid relationship."

"From what I know, Minerva hadn't been your student for well over a decade at that point. Miss Granger was my student only last year. Some might say it is even premature to form a friendship with her."

"But you are not saying you would not want to."

"In some completely hypothetical world, I might, and there is absolutely no hypothetical world in which I would want to be in a relationship with Duffy; neither of which means, however, that in the real world, I want to embark on such a thing with Miss Granger at this time. And I do not wish to discuss the topic beyond that," Severus said, putting a piece of pie in his mouth. Mmmm . . . nicely sour.

"Very well, but there are other lovely witches in the world..."

"Who are crackers enough to want to be associated with a Death Eater?" Severus asked crossly.

"Some very nice witches who would enjoy spending time with you, Severus."

"That is probably a minuscule number."

"What about Sharon Carter? She is quite nice, and only about ten years younger than you are."

"She was a poor Potions student. I was surprised when she scraped an Acceptable on her OWL," Severus said.

"That isn't everything. She's really quite bright. And very pretty...that lovely blond hair and those dark eyes," Albus said.

Severus shrugged. "She's all right, but I doubt we have anything in common. Outside of staff meetings, we never speak."

"We could change that!"

"Not interested. Doubt she is either," Severus said, trying not to rush eating his pie. It was the best thing the Hogwarts elves made, in his opinion.

"What about someone you've known better a little longer, then? Madam Rosmerta, for example. She's quite vivacious and, um, womanly," Albus said. "I'm sure I could arrange a little social occasion for the two of you to become better acquainted."

"Not a shred of interest on either of our parts, I'm sure." Certainly not on his. He couldn't imagine why Dumbledore would want to fix him up with the landlady of a public house, no matter how "womanly" she was. "We've nothing in common, other than that she serves food and drink and I occasionally eat what she serves."

"Well, then . . . Verity Vector. She's intelligent and well-read. You've known her for a long time and get along with her quite well."

"Septima and I get along because we rarely speak to each other, though she is pleasant enough. Besides, she was my teacher," Severus said. He looked up at him. "You know, I really do not desire to be set up with anyone, Albus. I appreciate that you are trying to assist me in my social life, but if you were anyone else, I would have simply picked up my pie and left to find somewhere to eat it in peace."

Albus looked disappointed, but he nodded. "Very well." He was quiet for a minute. "I was happy to see you at Filius's party last night."

Severus nodded. He was almost to the point of his slice of pie. He always started his pie at the edge crust and worked his way toward the point. That was the best bit.

"It's good to get out and socialise with your colleagues, see them under more relaxed circumstances."

"Mmhm," Severus said. Only the point left.

"Did you enjoy yourself? I was glad to see that Poppy was keeping you company. She seemed to be having a good time."

At the mention of Poppy's name, Severus almost swallowed his last piece of pie without tasting it. "It was fine. The drinks were peculiar, and Cahill was there, so it was not uniformly enjoyable. I did escape before Duffy saw me, though."

"Simply escaping the clutches of a witch you're not interested in should not be the highpoint of your evening, Severus."

"Believe me, it was not." Severus stood up. "Now if you will excuse me, I have things to attend to."

Severus didn't see the broad smile on Albus's face as the old wizard watched him stride out of the Great Hall.

Severus stepped into the entrance hall just in time to see Ginny Weasley disappearing out the front doors. Curious, he pushed open one of the doors and watched Ginny, alone, heading around the castle. Severus followed her out. She was headed toward the Quidditch stadium. In no hurry, he followed. She didn't stop at the broom shed, but went straight into the stadium.

When Severus walked in, he looked around for her. She was just sitting down in one of the lower rows in the Gryffindor stands. She didn't appear to notice him, though he didn't see how she could have failed to at that point.

Severus climbed up to the Gryffindor section of the stands. Ginny didn't look in his direction until he was standing beside her.

"Miss Weasley."

"Professor Snape. I'm not doing anything wrong," she said somewhat defiantly.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Have I implied that you were?"

"You are standing over me in an empty Quidditch stadium. The implication lies in the fact, not in your words," she replied, turning back to look out over the stadium.

Severus made his way into the row behind her, then stepped down to stand on her other side. She made no acknowledgment of his presence, and he sat down next to her. He didn't say anything; he simply sat, looking out.

After five minutes, Ginny turned her head slightly toward him. "What are you doing here, Professor Snape, if you aren't here to take points or give me detention?"

"I am sitting and looking and thinking," Severus replied. "Good view from here."

"It's better a few rows up."

Severus nodded. A few minutes later, he said, "I was at the game today. You played well."

"We lost."

"You played well."

"Not well enough."

"Are you contradicting me, Miss Weasley?"

Ginny was silent.

"Hufflepuff has a truly abysmal team this year," Severus said a few minutes later. "I don't remember a worse team in all my years as a student or as a teacher."

"Thanks for pointing that out," Ginny said with some sarcasm.

"You are rather disrespectful of your elders today, Miss Weasley."

"I apologise," she said flatly.

"I feel sorry for Pinter," Severus said after a minute.

Ginny let out a short laugh. "He won the game."

"By a complete fluke. You are the better Seeker and are on a significantly better team."

"That just makes it worse. So why do you feel sorry for him?"

"The boy is only a second-year, but it looks as though he has some flying ability."

"That's no reason to feel sorry for him," Ginny said disdainfully.

"He's also on the worst Hogwarts Quidditch team in decades. You have a lot of talent, Miss Weasley," Severus said slowly. "Imagine that you are made Seeker of your team when you are a second-year, and that team is the worst team in memory...Professor Dumbledore doesn't even remember a worse team, and he has been on the staff of Hogwarts for more than sixty years. You are Seeker on your team, but you can't concentrate on playing Seeker because your Beaters are incompetent, so you spend all of your time trying to avoid being hit by Bludgers...or even by your own hapless teammates, as they seem to have a talent for running into each other. You're twelve years old, a Seeker with potential, and you're playing on the worst Quidditch team imaginable, one so bad that people come to watch your team play for the comedic value."

Ginny sat silently for a moment, then she said, "I still don't feel sorry for him."

"I understand that," Severus replied. "It is hard to feel sorry for someone else when you're feeling sorry for yourself."

Ginny straightened, her face flushing. "I do not feel sorry for myself!"

"That is good."

The two sat a while longer, and the sky grew darker.

"Why was it important for you to win this game?" Severus asked.

"It's always important to win. That's why you play the game. If you don't want to win, there's no point in playing."

"Do you enjoy it?"

"Winning is always good," Ginny said.

"I was speaking of playing the game. Do you enjoy playing?"

Ginny shrugged.

"If you don't enjoy it, you don't have to play. This is only Quidditch."

"I don't enjoy anything anymore," Ginny said sullenly.

"There are some things that we must do whether we enjoy them or not. Quidditch is not one of them. On the other hand, I understand that it can be quite a positive thing to do something that we do not want to do and are not required to do, but which we do for the sake of others. There are also benefits, I am told, to affirming social bonds by doing things with others even when they are not things we would ordinarily choose to do."

Ginny just looked out over the dark pitch.

"Why are you playing Quidditch?"

"It's what I do. My team counts on me. My father wants to see me having a normal life." She shrugged. "This is normal."

"Normal. I have never had a normal life, Miss Weasley. Tell me what that is."

"Why are you doing this?" Ginny asked angrily. "Why don't you just go away?"

"Because, Miss Weasley, you are not having a normal life. You are miserable."

"It can never be normal again. Nobody understands that. It's just . . ."

"It can never be the way it was. It is pointless to even pretend it could be. Completely futile," Severus agreed with a nod.

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

"No, Miss Weasley, it's intended to make you think. You are not a complete dunderhead."

"I can't think," Ginny said. "I just feel . . . dull."

"You can think. It simply will require more energy. Pull yourself together! Concentrate!"

"I don't even remember what you said."

"Then that is your first task."

Ginny thought a moment, then said, "You said that..."

"Good, you remember," Severus said, interrupting. "Now think about why I said what I did."

"Because you take sadistic pleasure in tormenting your students," Ginny grumbled.

"That is a mere side benefit," Severus said, amused.

Ginny thought. "I suppose I am thinking that the way things were is normal life. And now I'm trying to have a normal life, but nothing is the way it was. It seems like a parody of normal life to me. So . . . maybe my idea of a normal life needs to change. But I don't know how." She sighed. "And I don't want to disappoint my father. Or anyone else."

"Your father, I am sure, wants you to be happy. He would not want you to feel as though your life was a parody. If playing Quidditch used to be enjoyable and is no longer, find something that is. And if you can't find it, then have others help you. You have a loving family. You don't need to be alone."

Ginny swallowed and look down. "It's not just that . . . it's . . . what I . . . . Professor Snape, why did you become a Death Eater?"

Severus went completely still. He paused. "What is it that you want to know?"

"Did you become a Death Eater because of Voldemort?"

"There would have been no Death Eaters, at least by that name, if there had been no Dark Lord," Severus replied.

"What was he like?"

"He was brilliant, powerful, ruthless, sadistic, completely without any compassion for others, and with no compunction to destroy anything or anyone to get what he wanted, which was just more power. He demanded not just loyalty, but adulation. I believe that if he had not been defeated, if he had taken over the wizarding world, he would have eventually fashioned himself as a god to be worshipped. He sought immortality. He feared losing any power, which he believed death would strip him of. He was brilliant and utterly evil."

"Why did anyone join him if he was so evil, if he had no compassion?" Ginny asked.

"Many people believed that joining him would give them power. Some people were simply afraid not to. He was also charismatic, particularly in the early days, I understand. He had no compassion, but he did know how to play on others' desires and fears. He could make some of them feel quite . . . special. Important to him. He had a kind of charm. But he only exercised that charm as long as it was in his interest. He could become a raving lunatic at the slightest provocation. If you were no longer an asset to him, you would be lucky just to be ignored by him. If not"...Severus shrugged..."a swift death might be the next best thing."

Ginny hesitated. "Did you . . . did you feel bad about . . . about him dying or about betraying him?"

"No. No, I did not. He deserved no loyalty. He murdered and caused terrible suffering and encouraged others to do the same. He brought out the worst in anyone who followed him. He was like a plague. You do not weep for the death of a plague. He chose all that he did, including attacking Hogwarts and confronting Potter. I have had moments when I felt it was unfortunate that I also had to betray the few friends I had once had when I was young, but they were scarcely the kinds of friends whom one should remain loyal to."

Sitting in the dark, Severus could hear Ginny let out a sigh.

"I still have dreams," she whispered. "Dreams that become nightmares. He was so charming, so understanding. I thought he cared about me. But then awful things began to happen to me and I didn't remember them. I dream about him now, and then it becomes a nightmare. It is all mixed up in my nightmare. I dream that he killed Percy, and then I dream that I killed Percy, like I did the chickens, and I dream that I killed Tom. Not in the battle, and not like he was then, but like young Tom Riddle. I dream that I turn my back on him and it kills him. Sometimes, he turns into Harry before he dies, or Harry turns into him. He always dies, though. I can hear him crying, begging me not to kill him, not to let him die. It is never exactly the same dream, but that part is always the same. I feel bad for letting him die, but then I feel worse that I feel bad. And when I wake up, I feel sick. I don't want him to be alive, I'm not sad that he's dead, so I don't understand why I feel this way in my dreams, or why I even have nightmares about him dying like that."

"Have you had these nightmares ever since the diary was destroyed?" Severus asked.

"I had different nightmares then, but they went away. These started after . . . after he was killed."

Severus paused, then he said, "A lot of people died, Ginny. You saw them die. You saw your brother die before your eyes, saving your life. Your mother was killed. Friends were killed and wounded, teachers . . . . I have no doubt that you know that you were not responsible for the bad things that happened after the Chamber of Secrets was opened. You didn't choose to follow the Dark Lord, and not even because you were fooled by him, since you did not know who he was at the time; he simply used you to obtain what he wanted for himself. To him, you were an object to be used. And I am sure you know all of that. But the last several years have not been normal, to say the least. They have been filled with violence, death, pain, fear, destruction . . . you have been involved in it all and deeply affected by it. It is unsurprising to me that you are having nightmares and that you have conflicted feelings and a sense of guilt. You can't go back to the way things were because everything has changed for you, and the way things were . . . that wasn't normal. That was some attempt at normal in very abnormal times. You can create a new normal for yourself, but I think you need to talk to someone about how you feel. You don't need to be alone."

Ginny stared out into the darkness for a while, then she said softly, "Is that why you are here?"

"I have had concerns about you," Severus said ambivalently.

"What do you want?"

Severus looked over at her, her fiery hair lost in the shadows of the night, but her skin still the milky white of the moon.

"I do not know what you mean."

"From me," Ginny whispered. "What do you want from me?"

"Nothing...although if you could expend more effort on your Potions work, that would benefit us both."

"You don't want something else from me?" Ginny asked. "You are a Slytherin. You must want something."

"It is unfortunate that Slytherins are believed to have no motivations but those that will bring them some material gain."

"I could still give you something," Ginny said.

Severus felt Ginny's hand on his knee. He picked it up and placed it in her lap. "You need to return to the castle, Miss Weasley. It is very late and it's becoming too cold to be out here."

"I don't understand."

"You don't need to right now. You can think about it some other time," Severus said gently. "Come, I will escort you. I was serious when I said that you need to talk to someone. I think I know someone who would be happy to listen."

"I could talk to you."

"I am not an appropriate person to talk to."

"You understood."

"Miss Weasley . . . I am not an appropriate person for you to talk to now. I know someone who I believe would be better. Let's go back to the castle."

Ginny got up and followed him down, out of the stadium, and back to the castle.

"I don't want to talk to Professor Carter," Ginny said as they walked. "I know she's my Head of House, but I don't know her and I don't feel anything for her at all."

"I was not going to suggest Professor Carter," Severus replied.

"It would be weird to talk to Professor McGonagall. She tried to talk to me before, in my second year, and I never knew what she wanted me to say."

"She probably just wanted you to talk about how you were feeling."

"I think I could talk to you," Ginny said.

Severus thought a moment. "We could all meet sometime, the three of us, if you would still like that in a few weeks."

"It's because I touched you, isn't it?" Ginny asked in a whisper. "That's why you don't want to talk to me."

"Not precisely."

They entered the castle and Severus started up the stairs with Ginny.

"You aren't going to Slytherin?"

"Not yet. I thought we could go to the Hospital Wing together."

"I'm not sick," Ginny said.

"I know you aren't. But Madam Pomfrey is a very good listener and a very compassionate witch. She is not just a school matron. She is a warm and understanding person. Don't think of her as the school's mediwitch."

"What should I think of her as, then?"

"You can decide that."

They approached the infirmary.

"Wait here for me," Severus said. "I'm just going to see if Madam Pomfrey is in her quarters."

Severus left Ginny to watch from a few yards away as he spoke with Poppy's door portrait. A moment later, the door opened.

"Severus!" Poppy seemed delighted to see him.

"I have brought someone with me," Severus said softly.

Poppy looked around him and saw Ginny standing nervously in the corridor.

"I think that she could benefit from some . . . counselling," Severus said. "We talked for a while, and I will tell you about that more fully later, but she is plagued by nightmares, grief, and guilt, and I believe that she may be . . . fragile. I told her I was bringing her to you not in your capacity as the school matron but as someone who is a good listener. I was afraid that if I waited, I would not be able to get her to come see you. I don't know as she needs anything more than to have someone who will listen to her, but if she does, I have faith that you will know how to handle it."

Poppy smiled and nodded. "Ginny!" she called out. "Come in and join me for a cup of tea."

"Curfew..." Ginny began.

"If we talk too long, I will see you back to the Tower so that there will be no questions," Poppy said.

Ginny nodded and followed the mediwitch into the sitting room.

NEXT

Chapter Fifty: A New Project

Saturday, 13 March 1999

Severus comes up with an idea, which he shares with Minerva. Minerva then assigns Severus a new project to work on...with Poppy.

Rated MA.

Characters: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Poppy Pomfrey