Chapter Forty-Six: A Complicated Life

Chapter Forty-Six: A Complicated Life

Thursday, 11 March 1999

Gareth swore as the perimeter charm faded. "Hermione's home early, unless we're having an unexpected visitor. Quick, get your clothes, go into the bathroom, and dress," Gareth said as he leapt up and fastened his kilt around him. "I'll go down and tell her that you and I have been in my study. If she comes upstairs, you're just using the loo."

Severus was already gathering up his clothes and trying to find both socks, finally resorting to a nonverbal Accio. Gareth was out of the room and down the stairs as he picked up his boots. He started into the bathroom, but then caught a glimpse of Gareth's bedroom. The bed was clearly visible from the hallway. And it was clearly well-used. Severus dumped everything on the bathroom floor, then turned and focussed on the bedroom door and gestured, closing it.

He sat on the toilet and let Gareth's cum run out of him as he pulled on his socks, his undershirt, and his shirt. Standing and pulling on the rest of his clothes as quickly as he could, Severus saw the advantage to Gareth's minimal clothing. Putting on a couple layers of robes would be faster than this. Even using a buttoning charm, he felt that it was taking him too long to dress.

Severus checked the mirror, remembering that Minerva had guessed where Poppy had been and what she had been doing partly on the basis of her appearance. He thought he looked a little flushed, but he was warm. He couldn't smell himself, but thinking he might smell of sex, he cast a freshening charm followed by a cooling charm.

Four minutes after he had entered the bathroom, Severus slipped into the study, picked up his empty beer bottle and went down the stairs.

"McGonagall! Where's the beer you promised me?"

He walked into the sitting room. Hermione was sitting on the couch. She looked up at him and smiled.

He nodded. "Good evening, Hermione. Don't you have class tonight?"

"Yes. I usually go out with friends after, but I wasn't feeling very well, so I went to Diagon Alley and Flooed to the Three Broomsticks."

"Let me get you that beer, Snape," Gareth said, taking his bottle from him. "Lager or stout?"

"Whatever you're having," Severus said. He hadn't really wanted another.

Severus sat down next to Hermione. "You are not feeling well?"

"Just a little nauseous and dizzy. I didn't think I should Apparate feeling like that."

"Do you have a fever?" Severus didn't wait for her answer, drawing his wand and casting a thermometer charm. "Hmm, your temperature is slightly elevated. Wait here a moment."

He rose and joined Gareth in the kitchen.

"I thought I'd leave you two alone for a little while."

"Hermione is ill. She has a low-grade fever. Could you provide her with something to drink? And what potions do you have on hand?"

"Go check the potions cabinet in the upstairs bathroom. If you don't find what you need there, Mum has some in her room, and I'll check for you."

Severus nodded and went to find potions for Hermione's nausea and her temperature.

Twenty minutes later, Hermione was drinking herbal tea and Severus was drinking a cold beer, apparently the way Gareth preferred his lager. Gareth declared that although stout was fine at room temperature, lager was better chilled, though his mother drank them all at cellar temperature and claimed that cold beer caused her stomach cramps.

"Are you feeling better, Hermione?" Gareth asked.

"Much, thanks. I can't imagine what it was. I never get sick."

"You should see a Healer," Severus replied.

"It's nothing, I'm sure," Hermione said. "If I still feel odd when I wake up, I'll go see Mother Wayland in the morning."

"You will do no such thing," Severus said firmly. "That old witch has no qualifications. I wouldn't trust her to treat a mosquito bite."

"But everyone in Hogsmeade sees Mother Wayland," Hermione protested.

"Mrs Wayland may have that reputation, but I assure you, Hermione, not everyone in Hogsmeade sees her for their ailments. And she may be perfectly charming and have no ill intentions, but if you are still sick in the morning, you should see someone who is qualified."

"If she's still sick in the morning, Snape, I'll bring her to the clinic in Edinburgh or down to Mungo's," Gareth said.

"I am sure I will be fine. I feel fine now."

"That is the potions at work. If you are ill, you may need more than such general remedies," Severus said.

"Do you mind if I take my leave of you for the moment?" Gareth asked. "I will just be up in my study. Come up before you leave, Snape."

Severus nodded and Hermione said she would say good-night before she went to bed.

After Gareth had left, Severus said, "Are you really feeling better?"

"Much, really. And this tea of Madam Gamp's is wonderful. Some kind of mix of leaves, bark, and pulverized dried berries, I think."

"That's good. If you do not feel well enough for dinner tomorrow, we can do it another time," Severus said.

"I'm sure I'll be fine, but if I'm not, I'll owl you," Hermione said.

"Hermione . . . I . . . about dinner . . ."

"Do you want to cancel dinner, Severus?"

"No, no, I certainly don't." Severus rose and began to pace. "You remember that when we were out, I was unsure of the wisdom of . . . of the date?"

"Yes."

"This is probably the worst time to talk to you about this, when you aren't feeling well."

"I'm feeling fine. What are you saying?"

"Would you listen to what I have to say? Everything? I may not say what I need to the way it should be said, and I am unaccustomed to having any conversations of this sort. I need to know that you will listen."

"Of course I will," Hermione said readily.

"First, before I say anything else, I need to tell you that I care for you very much. I think you know that I do, and that I enjoy your company. You have become very important in my life."

"You are important to me, too, Severus."

"And now . . . if you would hear what I have to say . . ." Severus sat beside her on the couch. "Hermione, when I sat here on Saturday and asked you to dinner, you know that I had not planned on it. But I felt . . . affection toward you. And an appreciation for you. You are so very lovely, Hermione, so I asked you out. It became a date. And now...please, don't say anything just yet...now, I feel that the timing isn't right. For either of us, though primarily for myself. And it was probably unfair of me, and it may have been completely selfish...though when I am with you, I wish to be anything but selfish...but I wanted to be able to date you in order to to keep you from seeing other people. Yet I still want to...no, need to...learn more about myself. I need to discover who I am and what I want when my life is not dominated by moral debt, servitude, and the demands of a sadistic megalomaniac.

"I have had a narrow existence for years. I knew that I did, but I thought it was only my due, whilst at the same time being completely resentful of it. But only now have I discovered how truly narrow my existence was, and much of it through my own fault, and not merely because of my circumstances. I feel as though I am coming alive. I am learning to live and I am trying to be a better Severus Snape. I'm not always succeeding very well at it, but much of what success I have achieved is due to you, Hermione, to you and your friendship. I never want to lose your friendship. You are . . . if ever you needed me, I would help you. I would do whatever I could, and if anyone injured you, I would find it difficult not to make them pay in kind. But I think, for so many reasons, reasons I cannot even fully articulate to myself, that the timing is wrong for us to date. I would either hurt you or I would become increasingly possessive, because I would come to believe that you were all I had, and I would revert and be grasping and jealous and you would be hurt even more.

"It is very hard for me to tell you this, and not only because I don't want to hurt you, but because I do want to . . . to be closer to you. But when...and if...you ever consent to date me in the future, it will be meaningful to me. Now, though, it's not the right thing for me. I am sorry, Hermione. I need your friendship. I don't want to lose that. Please forgive me."

"I see." Hermione blinked. "I see and I don't see."

"Would you still go to dinner with me tomorrow? If you aren't sick?"

Hermione looked at him a moment, and then nodded. "Yes, all right."

"I am sorry."

"I am just surprised. This is the shortest relationship I've ever been in. One date, a second planned, and then . . ." She shrugged.

"I'm not rejecting you. Please understand that. And if you want to tell anyone who may have known that we were out on a date that it was you who decided we were better off as friends, that would be fine. It would certainly be more credible. People would think I was not in my right mind. You are so young, beautiful, attractive, and brilliant, and I'm an older, scarred, former Death Eater. No one would disbelieve you if you said you changed your mind."

"I haven't told many people. Just Gareth and Madam Gamp. And my mother. But I'll deal with it. I need to think about what you said, but obviously, I accept it. I really haven't any choice."

"I'm sorry. I was going to tell you tomorrow. But I thought I shouldn't wait."

Hermione nodded and looked down into her empty teacup.

"Hermione? Are you still looking forward to dinner? If you want to wait a while before we see each other again, I would understand, but I hope I haven't ruined our friendship. That is what I wanted to save."

"Yes, I still want to go to dinner. But let's just have something at the Three Broomsticks like usual."

"If that is what you would prefer."

She nodded.

"It is unfair of me, and I have no right to ask it, but could I give you one last kiss...the last for now?"

"Severus . . . it is unfair to ask that."

Severus stood. "I need to go say good-night to Gareth."

"Kiss me good-night first," Hermione said softly.

Severus sat down on the edge of the sofa, angled toward her. He cupped her cheek, then he closed his eyes and brought his lips to meet hers. He kissed her softly.

"You are an extraordinary witch, Hermione," he whispered, "and I don't expect for you to wait for me to finally grow up, or whatever it is that I am doing, but I hope you know that I care for you and never wanted to hurt you."

"Go say good-night to Gareth. I'm going to take a walk in the garden, get some fresh air before I go to bed."

"Not too much. You need your sleep and to take care of yourself."

Hermione nodded.

As Severus began up the stairs, he watched her walk down the hall toward the back door. He only had a moment of discomfort at the association of the door with his past as a Death Eater. It was overshadowed by concern for Hermione and a sense that, despite trying to do the right thing, he had done something wrong.

The door to Gareth's study was partially open, so Severus pushed it open and entered. Gareth looked up at him as he shut it behind him.

"How is Hermione feeling?"

"Worse than when you left us, I'm sure, but for different reasons," Severus said, sitting down heavily.

"You talked to her about the dating?"

"I told her that I didn't think the timing was right for either of us. I tried to explain to her why I thought it was wrong for me without saying that it's because I want to be able to see other people, but she'll probably figure that out after she thinks about it."

"It isn't just about seeing other people, though, is it? If you didn't even consider that, do you think that you would still say the timing was wrong?"

Severus was silent a moment. "I was going to say 'no,' but I think that I simply wouldn't have discovered that the timing was wrong until later. I would realise it only when I felt other needs and desires competing with my desire to . . . to possess her. I don't think I can have the kind of relationship with her that she deserves, and one that wouldn't risk our friendship and hurt her even more...even if there were no other people involved."

"Then you did the right thing."

"Why do I feel as though I didn't? I thought that now that the war was over and I didn't have to choose between evil and greater evil in order to survive and undermine the Dark Lord, it would be easier to make the right decision, to do the right thing and feel good about it."

"Life isn't that simple even when you're not in the middle of a war, Snape. You didn't want to hurt her, and you are giving up something you want, even though it's hard to, and even though you believe that it's better for you both this way."

Severus nodded unhappily. "She's still going to dinner with me tomorrow night, but just to the Broomsticks."

"That may be awkward at first, but don't get discouraged if it is. It will be easier to go back to being just friends now than it would have been weeks from now."

"I'll remember that." Severus stood. "Thank you for your help, McGonagall."

"I'll walk you down."

"Hermione's in the garden. It's chilly. Make sure she doesn't stay out too long."

Severus Apparated to the Hogwarts gates, then walked slowly back up to the castle. Now he wished that he had waited until their date on Friday to speak with Hermione, although he couldn't imagine how he would have done that while they were on a date in public. It was probably better to have done it as he did.

He heard footsteps on the drive behind him, and he glanced back. Albus and Minerva. He picked up his pace. He really didn't want to speak with anyone just then.

"Severus!"

Lovely. He stopped, took a breath, and turned around, unable to pretend he hadn't heard Albus.

"Headmistress, Professor," he said with a nod.

Albus chuckled at his formality. "Did you have a good evening?"

"Interesting," Severus replied. "And you?"

"We had dinner with Alroy and Rosemary," Minerva replied. "It was very nice. Gertrude was there, and so were Quin and Aine and a few others."

"It felt almost like the old days," Albus said.

Severus grimaced. Gertrude. Professor Gamp had known about the date. Had she said anything? This only confirmed what he had known as a spy: never tell anyone anything they don't have to know. And maybe not even then.

"You look like thunder," Albus said.

"It has been a long week," Severus replied. "I am merely looking forward to its end."

"Yes, you're going out tomorrow evening, aren't you? I hope you have a good time," Albus said.

"Who told you that?" Severus asked sharply.

"Minerva mentioned it."

Minerva raised an eyebrow. "I did not know that it was supposed to be a secret, Severus."

"It's not. I'm just tired of having people talking about me behind my back," he said.

Minerva took his arm and squeezed it. "It wasn't like that, and you know it. Something's bothering you."

"If there were, this would not be the time or place to discuss it."

"Severus is right, Minerva. Why don't we all go up to our sitting room and have a nice chat?"

"No, thank you, Albus," Severus said as the front doors opened to them. "I have no desire to discuss anything with anyone right now, least of all, anything personal."

"Are you sure?" Minerva asked, letting go of his arm as they entered the castle. "It's early yet. We don't have to talk about anything serious, just chat and relax."

"No, thank you, Minerva. I am glad you had a good evening," Severus nodded to them. "Good night."

Severus reached his rooms, taking out some of his bad temper on a few Slytherins loitering in the corridor. They claimed to be on their way back to the common room, but Severus was sure they were up to no good. He took no points, but told them that if they were out after curfew, he would make them rue it.

He removed his jacket and slung it across the back of the sofa, then he sat in his chair, remembering how Poppy had sat in it and let him pleasure her. If anyone had told him a year ago that Poppy Pomfrey had that much sex in her, he would have sneered. He certainly wouldn't have believed them. He hadn't seen her with anyone in particular, although he'd had the impression that she had been seeing someone for a short time early in his teaching career. On the other hand, he hadn't cared about the personal lives of the other staff and might never have noticed. But she was attractive, kind, and caring, and she was interested in sex. She was choosy, and she had chosen to be with him. She had spread her legs and let him pleasure her orally, right there in his chair, then he had bent her over the arm of the chair and he'd fucked her. Well, she had suggested it, but still, he had fucked her right there. And she had been in his bed, actually slept with him twice.

By the time he had thought of how lovely it had been to wake up with Poppy in his bed, his arms around her warm, soft body, feeling the rhythm of her heart and the thrum of her magic, the scent of her hair and skin so close, Severus was feeling better. He was still concerned about Hermione, but he had done the right thing. Gareth was right, it would have been much harder if he'd done it weeks from then.

There was someone at his door. His mood worsened immediately, but he got up and answered the door. Minerva.

"Minerva, is there a problem?"

"No, I just thought I would come down and see you. You looked as though you could use a friendly ear."

"I was fine and then you knocked on my door," Severus retorted. He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I assume you did not come down here in order to disturb me. Come in."

"No, I didn't mean to disturb you. Albus told me to leave you on your own, but I thought you might like to talk, just the two of us."

Severus closed the door. "I really don't, Minerva."

"You reacted when Albus mentioned you were going out tomorrow," Minerva replied.

"I thought perhaps he had heard it from someone other than you," Severus said. He gestured toward the couch. "Have a seat."

"Who else would he have heard it from?"

Severus shrugged. "You were at dinner with Professor Gamp. I thought she may have said something."

"No, I don't think your name was mentioned this evening, and Gertrude would be unlikely to bring it up herself."

"Hmpf."

"You are going out with Hermione tomorrow, then?"

"Just for dinner at the Three Broomsticks."

"You mentioned to me the other day that you were thinking of dating, and it seemed you were interested in Hermione. Is this a date? Shouldn't you be happy about it?"

"It is not a date. We are not dating. I thought we might, but we aren't."

"I see . . ." Minerva hesitated. "So why did mention of it disturb you?"

"Because I do not want people discussing my private life, being the object of gossip," Severus replied sharply.

"It is inevitable that people will talk about other people, Severus. I don't think you can avoid it. And it's not always gossip. Sometimes it's just conversation, and sometimes it's because people care about you."

Severus didn't respond.

"Well, I see you don't want to talk."

"No, I don't. But I do appreciate your coming down to see me. My life has become very complicated. I thought the complications had ended when I woke up and the Dark Lord was dead and I was still alive."

Minerva smiled and shook her head. "Life is complicated. Sometimes more complicated than others, but if you live in society and have relationships with people, it will be complicated at least occasionally."

"I should have just gone to Spinner's End and rotted," Severus said glumly. "It would have been a nice, peaceful, undisturbed rotting."

Minerva chuckled. "I'm glad you didn't. Besides, I think that between Albus, Hermione, and me, you wouldn't have found it so peaceful."

"Hmpf."

"And just think of the new friendships you are making. They must bring you more than just complications."

"I don't know . . ."

"I know that Filius has enjoyed the time you've spent in duelling practice. He won't say what you're doing, just teases Albus with little hints, but he is clearly enjoying it, and your company as much as the practice."

"Flitwick is congenial to spend a few hours with on a weekend afternoon," Severus admitted with a nod, "and our relationship is uncomplicated, but it is also not . . . not particularly close."

"What about Gareth?"

Severus shrugged slightly. "He is a complication. But he is also a support. It is most peculiar."

"It often is. Were you with him this evening?"

Severus nodded. "He invited me, since his mother would be away for the night. I prefer not to disturb her with my presence in her house."

"Yes, I can understand that. And Hermione?"

"She has classes on Thursdays. She did come home early, though. She was feeling unwell."

"Something happened with Hermione? Is that why you were upset at the mention of your date tomorrow?"

"It is not a date, Minerva..."

"I meant it in a general sense, Severus. But . . . did something happen?"

Severus let out a breath slowly. "We had a conversation. That is to say, I spoke to her. I believe I hurt her feelings, and I did not want to do that. It bothered me."

"You don't want to talk about it?"

Severus shook his head. "I already spoke with Gareth about it. I am fine."

"I see . . . and there's nothing else you want to talk about?"

"Look, Minerva, you don't need to beat about the bush. Poppy told me that you know."

"I won't pretend I don't know what you're talking about," Minerva replied, "but you don't have to talk to me about your relationship with her if you don't want to."

"Good. Because I don't want to. And I hope you haven't told anyone else."

"No, of course not. I wouldn't betray Poppy's confidence like that...or your privacy. I was surprised, though. I hadn't thought you were interested in her. You mentioned Hermione the other day in my office. Right before you went down to see Poppy."

"I hadn't been interested in Poppy. I'm still not interested in her, not really, not that she'd want it even if I were. It's not like that," Severus replied, capitulating. "And Hermione . . . the timing is just all wrong. That's what I told her. That the timing is wrong for us to be any more than friends. I can't date her casually. I could try, but my feelings toward other people are complicating my feelings toward her. And despite that, I still feel possessive toward her. I have had to work on not being jealous of the time she spends with other people, of the relationships she has with other men, no matter what they are. I think I have done well in controlling that, but if we moved from friendship to something more, I think I would be worse. I do not want to lose Hermione completely because I don't like her spending time with her friends and then have jealous fits about it."

"Hermione was supportive and loyal at a time when you needed it very much. She saved your life. It is natural for you to develop stronger feelings for her, but she isn't your only friend now, Severus. I don't mean to minimise your feelings for her, but they could change. You will probably always care for her as a friend, but you may discover that you . . . that your feelings were born of that desperate and trying time. I think that is one reason you feel possessive toward her. Because you had so little then, during those last months of the war, and every moment that you spent with her was precious to you. You didn't want to share her. That possessiveness is not love, though."

"I know that," said Severus, disgusted. "But she is still important to me. I don't want to lose her. And I know how I feel about her. It won't change."

"Perhaps not, but do not be surprised if it does, or if your understanding of your feelings changes."

"You don't understand, Minerva." Severus shook his head.

"In any case, I think you did the right thing for you both."

Severus grunted.

"What about Poppy?"

"There is nothing to say about that," Severus replied. "However, if you are concerned that I will become jealous and possessive of her, I will not. And if you disapprove of what we did, you needn't worry. We have agreed that it wouldn't happen again."

"I don't disapprove at all. I just thought that perhaps you might like to see more of her," Minerva said, "develop more of a social relationship."

"We are colleagues. I am certain we will continue to remain collegial," Severus said stiffly.

"I know that she likes you. She told me that she enjoyed being with you. If you like her and you enjoyed her company, too, perhaps..."

"I am glad that she enjoyed it, and I like her, as well. I would prefer not to discuss our relationship, however. It doesn't seem proper."

Minerva smiled and nodded. "All right. I'm done prying. But if you change your mind about Poppy, I have a feeling she would not object to spending more time with you other than collegially."

Severus nodded. He wished that were true. "It's late. Would you like me to escort you to the ground floor...or to the gargoyle?"

"No, thank you, Severus. As Headmistress, I believe I am quite safe in your dungeons. Besides, I think I will take a short-cut."

~End of Part Four~

~to be continued~

NEXT

Chapter Forty-Seven: Exotic Concoctions

Thursday, 11 March – Friday, 12 March 1999

Severus and Hermione go to dinner in Hogsmeade. On his return to the castle, Severus accepts an invitation to a party. Filius Flitwick makes very powerful cocktails.

Rated MA.

Characters: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Filius Flitwick, Hermione Granger, Minerva McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, Poppy Pomfrey, Ezra Cahill, others

COMING UP IN A LONG VERNAL SEASON:

Warning: Spoilers in the Chapter Descriptions!

Chapter Forty-Seven: Exotic Concoctions

Thursday, 11 March – Friday, 12 March 1999

Characters: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Filius Flitwick, Hermione Granger, Minerva McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, Poppy Pomfrey, Ezra Cahill, others

Chapter Forty-Eight: A Wager with the Headmistress

Saturday, 13 March 1999

Goaded by Minerva, Severus places a wager on the abysmal Hufflepuff Quidditch team to beat Gryffindor in that day's game.

Rated T.

Characters: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Hermione Granger, Minerva McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, Poppy Pomfrey

Chapter Forty-Nine: Normal Life

Saturday, 13 March 1999

Severus counsels a student.

Rated T.

Characters: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Ginny Weasley, Minerva McGonagall, Poppy Pomfrey, Sarah Duffy

Chapter Fifty: A New Project

Saturday, 13 March 1999

Severus comes up with an idea, which he shares with the Headmistress, then Minerva assigns Severus a new project to work on...with Poppy.

Rated MA.

Characters: Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Poppy Pomfrey

Chapter Fifty-One: Just a Fling?

Sunday, 14 March 1999
Severus begins work on the project with Poppy, and later he practises the new spell on his own, but without success.

Rated M.

Characters: Severus Snape, Poppy Pomfrey, Verity Septima Vector

Chapter Fifty-Two: Technique

Sunday, 14 March 1999

Severus masters an esoteric spell.

Rated M.

Characters: Severus Snape, Gareth McGonagall

Chapter Fifty-Three: Dinner at Delancie's

Sunday, 14 March 1999

Severus and Poppy spend time together in the afternoon, then go to dinner in Diagon Alley.

Rated MA.

Characters: Severus Snape, Poppy Pomfrey, Gareth McGonagall, Mr Delancie, others

Chapter Fifty-Four: Dangerous Consequences

Sunday, 14 March 1999

Severus teaches Poppy the consequences of her flirting.

Rated MA.

Characters: Severus Snape, Poppy Pomfrey

To be continued in Part Six . . .