Chapter Twenty-Nine: A Tear Shed

Author's Note: If you've been reading "The Sorting of Suzie Sefton," I have posted the fourth and final chapter. Enjoy!

Thank you to Di & Hogwarts Duo for their feedback on an early draft of Part Three!

PART THREE

Chapter Twenty-Nine: A Tear Shed

Saturday, 6 March 1999

The door opened. Severus saw the wizard who opened it and breathed easier. He never felt comfortable approaching that door, and if he were a praying man, he would be offering prayers each time it opened to him. Praying man or not, his prayers had been answered, since the door had never yet been opened by the witch whose eyes he still could not meet. He swallowed and tried to draw some saliva into his suddenly dry mouth.

"Snape! Looking for Hermione?" Gareth asked.

"It's Saturday, and I know she has duties on Saturdays, but I was in town and it's almost lunchtime. I thought that you would let her join me for lunch," Severus said. His heart was beating uncomfortably fast, and not only at the prospect of asking Hermione to lunch, since they had met for lunch in Hogsmeade before, but at having to ask Gareth a favour in doing so and at the possibility that Professor Gamp might appear behind her son at any moment.

"I'm sorry, Snape. I normally would, but Hermione's not here today. She didn't have any Muggle classes last week, so she worked all of Tuesday and Thursday and had today off, instead. She and my mother went into London for the day." Gareth grinned. "I think Hermione's going to drag her all over the place and completely exhaust her. It will be good for her."

Severus blinked. He did have things he could do in Hogsmeade, but the primary reason he had come into town on that beautiful early spring day was to see Hermione. He hadn't put much thought into it, knowing that if he thought too long about it, he would find too many reasons not to do it.

Gareth cocked his head, looking at him with a slight smile. "You know, I was just about to have my own lunch, all by my lonesome. There's plenty for two. Care to join me?"

Severus took one step back. "I couldn't." He shook his head.

"Why not? You don't have any plans now," Gareth said. He opened the door wider and stepped back. "Come on in."

Severus's mouth felt like the Sahara. "No, thank you, McGonagall."

Gareth sighed and looked at Severus with sympathetic eyes. "Just come in for a while. You've never been here before. I'll show you around...there's a great garden out back...then if you're hungry, you can stay for lunch."

Severus looked beyond Gareth into the house. "I..."

"You have never been here, Snape. Do you understand me?" Gareth said gently. "I am inviting you in."

"Your mother..." Severus began, shaking his head.

"My mother will be in London all day. I'm not even expecting her for dinner," Gareth said. "It's all right, really."

Severus stepped into the house. As Gareth closed the door behind him, Severus said, "Your mother wouldn't like it if I were here."

"I am inviting you in, Snape, and Mum . . . she is adjusting well. I don't know as she would be prepared to sit down to a meal with you in her own home, but she knows that you and Hermione are friends, and she hasn't had one word of objection to it...not even a look of disapproval. I've never hidden it from her when you and I have seen each other. She lost her anger against you a very long time ago, much before I could lose mine." Gareth hesitated. "I think that if she were to meet you unexpectedly on a dark night, she would have a reaction still, but she would understand if I invited you to lunch whilst she was out. She never objects to my having friends here when she's out."

"I am not just one of your other friends, though. I wouldn't want her to come back and see me here," Severus said. "I know that it has been an adjustment for her to return to Hogsmeade and this house, you've all told me that, and I'm actually surprised that Hermione managed to drag her into London for the day." He quirked a slight smile. "Though I suppose that if anyone could manage that, it would be Hermione."

"She won't be back until late," Gareth replied. He paused, looking at him seriously. "You know, Snape, I think it would be good for you to come in. I really do." He reached out and touched Severus's upper arm. "You have as much courage as any Gryffindor, Snape. Come in, all the way in, and chase some of the past away with the present."

Severus suppressed his impulse to sneer. The sneer would be only for himself. After their first heated introduction to each other, McGonagall had been unflaggingly civil to him, even when he himself had been obnoxious. More than that, he had been generous and seemed to be becoming a good friend to him, something that Severus found astonishing. Gareth had a kind of open-handed warmth about him that Severus had seldom encountered. Even Minerva, as good as she had always been to him, and as generous as she had been...more generous than he believed he deserved...even she did not have the same freely flowing, easy warmth about her. Yet McGonagall was no weakling or pushover, either, nor was he rash or impulsive, despite being comfortable expressing his feelings toward others. And although Severus had not witnessed it, he understood that McGonagall had fought fiercely and ruthlessly in the battle that had brought an end to the Dark Lord.

Severus followed Gareth into the sitting room. It was bright and cheerful, with large windows that looked out to the side garden. He tried to forget the last time he was here, when it was dark and he had chased the old witch through the house. She had already made it to the back door and had opened it when he had come up behind her. She turned to face him, her wand ready, but he was faster. She had fought like a demon, and the other three Death Eaters were already scattered about the house. He saw her raised wand, and he smiled. Then he cut off her wand arm.

Severus stepped back. "I should go," he said. He felt sick. "Tell Hermione, tell Hermione I was by." He stepped back again.

Gareth turned and saw his face. "Don't go, Snape. Stay. Walk through the house with me."

"Why?" Severus asked sharply. "Do you wish to torture me, McGonagall? Is this the moment that you have been waiting for?"

"No, no, believe me, it's not. When I believed I hated you, I never would have believed that it would bother you to be here. Had I given it any thought later, I would have imagined that it would bother you. When Hermione took the apprenticeship with me, it was clear that it disturbed you, and not just that she took the apprenticeship or that it was with me or even that she was living here under the same roof with me, but that she was moving into my mother's house. The house where you cut off my mother's arm," he added bluntly.

Severus tightened his jaw, but did not respond except to take another step back.

Gareth stepped closer to him. "You don't even like to walk up the path to the house. You will escort Hermione to the front gate, and you take your leave of her there. The few times you've come to the door to fetch her, you looked as though you would be sick." He shook his head and took another step closer. "This is important for you, Snape. The house is here, and it holds its history. You are here, and you have your history. You always will. You have come so far, grown so much beyond that time when you were last here. Do not allow the past to be present here with you now. It shaped you, but do not let it control you."

"It does not control me," Severus objected. He took another step back and encountered the doorframe.

Gareth quirked a slight smile. "You remember our first encounter? In Aunt Minerva's office?"

Severus nodded.

"You were very forbearing," Gareth said, stepping closer to him. "You could have said or done a good many things to shut me up, but you did not. I was not immediately certain what to make of that fact. There were so many possible explanations for it. And then I went down and apologised...Aunt Minerva has a way of making you see yourself with a rather disturbing clarity sometimes; she's a bit like Mum that way...anyway, I apologised, as far as I was able at the time, and you said some things to me that startled me. You did not dissemble or attempt to excuse anything you did. You were not the man I had expected."

Severus swallowed and tried to move back, but simply pressed himself against the doorframe. He felt much as he had that first day in Minerva's office. "Hermione has told me what you say about me, that I am still the same man."

"That is not all I say about you, and I doubt that Hermione would tell you that and not my entire statement. You are the same man, Snape, but you are more. You will never shed that past and leave it behind you. Perhaps it would be a kinder world if you could, but we need our pasts, I think. They shaped who we are now, and we can learn from our mistakes. To lose your past, as painful as that past may be for you, wouldn't be good for you. You are becoming a good man, Snape," Gareth said, reaching out and resting his hand on his arm. "You are a man I am proud to call my friend, and if anyone sneers at that, they learn not to."

"I still am uncomfortable here," Severus said, looking over Gareth's shoulder into the sitting room beyond. "I feel...it is hard to say how I feel."

Gareth gave him a lopsided smile. "Why am I not surprised by that?"

"I am not like you, McGonagall. I cannot so easily even identify what I feel, let alone speak of it." Too many years of pushing aside any feelings but anger, resentment, and the occasional bit of humour at another's expense.

He had been a sensitive boy, though his sensitivity had been inwardly directed and rarely extended itself toward others. But when, after having already made his entire day miserable, three Gryffindors had found him crying behind the greenhouses one afternoon during his first year at Hogwarts and then had begun harassing him with taunts of "Snivellus," he had vowed to learn to control his emotions and never show weakness. It had become a habit of a lifetime.

"Do you remember when we first met, we stood very much as we are now? What did you feel then, Snape?" Gareth asked softly.

Severus looked into Gareth's face then looked away. "I was nervous. I felt uncomfortable that you were so close. I felt somewhat threatened, but I did not believe you would actually do anything to me. I felt . . . guilty, I suppose."

"And now?"

Severus looked back at Gareth and met his eyes. He smiled slightly. "I feel nervous, uncomfortable that you are so close, threatened, though I know you will do nothing to me, and," he said softly, looking beyond Gareth into the room, "I feel guilty."

"But does it feel the same as it did then?"

"No," Severus said. "It does not."

"How is it different?" Gareth asked, moving his hand from Severus's shoulder to his cheek.

"The last time you did that, you had a knife in your hand," Severus replied.

Gareth chuckled. "The 'knife that tasted blood,' yes, I remember that, too. My own blood when I was foolish enough to nick myself with it. I'm glad I didn't have a similar accident with you." He took another half step closer and his thumb grazed Severus's cheekbone. "How else is it different?"

"You stepped on my foot last time." His throat felt strangely tight.

"Yes, I did. I am sorry for that. I didn't use my heel, though, just the arch of my foot. But I am sorry I hurt you, Snape."

"It maintained my attention," Severus replied drily.

"There are friendlier ways of maintaining your attention, however," Gareth said softly. "How else is it different? Is there no other way? Do you really feel the same way that you did then?"

"No, my nervousness is different," he admitted. He swallowed. "I've come to trust you, McGonagall. And now, I feel nervous because . . . I do not know."

"Because you feel vulnerable, perhaps?" Gareth asked as he raised his right hand and rested it against his chest. "But vulnerable emotionally, not physically threatened?"

Severus shook his head, but then he said, "What are you doing?" He took hold of Gareth's right wrist and removed his hand from his chest, though Gareth's left hand was still gently cradling his face.

"I am opening you up, Snape," Gareth said. "You need this." He pulled his wrist from Severus's grasp and raised it to his chest again. "Trust me, trust me."

"I should go." His mouth felt like a desert again.

"Stay, stay, my friend." Gareth drew his hand up over Severus's chest and gently squeezed his shoulder. "Trust me. Allow yourself some freedom. Feel something new. Feel something good and recognise it." He tugged gently at the knot closing Severus's cloak, and as the cloak slipped from his shoulders, Gareth sent it to fold itself over the back of a chair.

"I am leaving now," Severus said, though he made no move away.

"You may leave when you wish, but I do hope you will stay." Gareth moved his hand to the top button of Snape's waistcoat. "You tell me to stop at any point, and I will stop. If you do not say 'stop,' then you need do nothing. Simply accept and allow yourself the freedom to feel."

"I do not want to," Severus replied.

Gareth didn't respond to the statement, but ran his finger along the buttons of the waistcoat. "So many layers, Snape, so many layers. A carapace against the world? Against contact with others? At least you are wearing one less layer than usual. No teaching robes." He unbuttoned the top two buttons of Severus's waistcoat. "Remember, just say, 'stop,' and I will stop. I simply want you to feel."

"Why are you doing this? I should go. I need to leave."

Gareth unbuttoned the last button of the waistcoat, then he ran his hands over Severus's chest, up under his outer jacket. He pushed the jacket off his shoulders. "I think you need to stay, my friend."

Severus closed his eyes as Gareth pulled the jacket completely off of him. He did not know why he did not push the younger wizard away, why he didn't simply turn into the open doorway and leave, why he didn't say "stop."

"Don't think, Snape, just feel," Gareth whispered.

He sent Severus's jacket over to settle across the back of the chair with his cloak, then he pushed off his waistcoat and it joined the jacket. Gareth's hands went under his black braces next, and, thumbs hooked around them, he pushed them off his shoulders.

"Such a high collar," he said softly as his hands approached Snape's throat. "It makes me sad to see it, to see you so. You need to relax." He slowly began to unbutton Severus's shirt.

"Why are you doing this?" Severus asked. "Do you wish to make me uncomfortable?" He raised his hands and began to rebutton his collar.

"No, I wish to make you comfortable. I wish to bring you some human warmth." Gareth unbuttoned the buttons Severus had just rebuttoned. "Why do you not tell me to stop?"

"What are you doing?"

"I am unbuttoning your shirt." He paused. "To discover yet another shirt." Gareth looked into Severus's eyes. "It does make me sad to see you so. To know that you have needs and desires and that you have erected so many barriers."

Severus jerked back and pushed Gareth's hands away, alarm in his eyes. "I have no desire for you."

Gareth smiled. "Not for me specifically, perhaps. But you do have desires, but more importantly, you have needs. You need human contact and you need to learn to receive love and human warmth. But you don't need to have any desire for me. Simply accept my touch, Snape. And my affection for you." He raised his hands to Severus's chest again. "It will be easier to accept the touch of others, and to reach out and touch someone whom you care about, perhaps someone whom you desire."

Severus shook his head as Gareth began to pull his shirttails from his trousers. He was even closer now, and Severus could feel the other wizard's breath on his face. What he felt now was something he would not wish to identify, and he closed his eyes.

"Don't." Severus's voice was a whisper.

"Shall I stop?" When Severus did not respond, Gareth unclasped the cufflinks on his sleeves then sent them over to the table beside the chair where his clothes had folded themselves. He smoothed his hands over Severus's shoulders and down his arms as he removed the shirt and sent it to join the jacket and waistcoat.

"Don't," Severus repeated. He opened his eyes to meet Gareth's and was surprised to see tears in the other wizard's eyes.

"Trust me," Gareth said softly. "Just trust me." He drew his wand from the loop beside a buckle of his kilt, and Severus watched as he used it to neatly cut his undershirt from its neck to its hem at the bottom.

He returned his wand to its loop, then he removed Snape's undershirt as he had his other garments. Gareth laid his hands against Severus's chest, then he leaned forward and kissed the other wizard's cheek. Severus winced. Gareth raised his right hand and caressed his face, barely touching it.

"Feel, Snape." Gareth passed his hands down over his torso and back up again, brushing his palms across his nipples.

"Gareth," Severus said softly, "I need to ask you to stop."

Gareth dropped his hands. "It is about you and your needs, Snape, not about me or mine. If you wish me to stop, I will stop, but I think that you would benefit more if I did not. Do you really want me to stop?"

"I . . . you need to understand, I do not . . ." Severus grimaced. "I do not desire that kind of contact with you. Not with you, precisely," he added, "with any wizard."

"'That kind of contact'?" Gareth asked. "Do you mean sex?"

Snape nodded shortly.

Gareth shook his head. "This is about human warmth and intimacy. It is about you taking pleasure and comfort in the touch of another who cares about you. It is not about sex." He raised his hand and brushed Severus's hair back from his face. He smiled at him. "It could be, but it isn't. And it is probably better that it isn't."

"You like wizards, men," Severus said somewhat questioningly.

"That should be evident by now, I would think," Gareth responded, "but I do not prefer them."

Severus frowned. "I had thought you liked Hermione."

"Of course I like Hermione. And she is an attractive witch. A bit young for my taste, but attractive. But she is also my apprentice. I do have certain boundaries, you know," Gareth said. "Besides, I know of two other men who are very interested in her, at least one of whom she is very fond indeed. I would not wish to interfere there. And, of course, my mother would have my head if I were to behave improperly toward her."

"Two wizards? Who are they?" Severus asked as Gareth took one step back.

"Well, one of them is Tarrant McPherson..."

"Your friend. I taught him. He was a dunderhead."

Gareth laughed. "Well, he doesn't strike me that way, and Hermione seems to like him."

"And the other one?" Gareth had said "men," not "wizards"; it could be practically anyone.

"I think you know who that is, Snape," Gareth said.

"Is it that Muggle boy in her economics class?" She had mentioned him several times. They took coffee together after class was over. Whenever she mentioned him, he struggled with his jealousy. He had become better at accepting Hermione's relationships with others. The quickest way to lose her friendship, he had decided, was if he became unreasonable and possessive.

"I wasn't referring to him, though he might like her, too. I don't know." Gareth shook his head smiling. "The one I was referring to has not expressed his interest, as far as I know. I'm not even sure if he recognises it himself." Gareth reached out and placed his hands lightly on Severus's chest again. "He has certain difficulties in expressing himself sometimes." He caressed him gently, running his hands over his chest. "But I like him anyway," he whispered. He stepped back towards Severus again.

"You know," Severus said hoarsely. He had been so careful. How could Gareth have guessed? He had never said anything to anyone.

"I see," Gareth replied. "I simply see." He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Severus's cheek, then he whispered in his ear, "Tell me to stop, Snape, if you really want me to stop. Otherwise, just let yourself feel."

Severus closed his eyes. He didn't know why Gareth cared about him, but he did not doubt that he did care. He was warm and kind to him, though sometimes brutally honest, too, but never in order to hurt him. Severus could almost feel the affection flowing from Gareth through his hands, which were gently caressing him, stroking his chest and stomach, reaching around him and rubbing his sides and back. Gareth's curly head was beside his, barely touching it, and he could feel the younger wizard's breath against his neck. Gareth bent his neck and kissed his shoulder softly, then repeated the kiss. Despite himself, not only did he feel Gareth's affection, but he felt a physical response to his kisses, to his gentle touches. He did not want this, Severus told himself, he did not want any of it, but he did not protest, and when Gareth moved over to kiss his other shoulder, he did not pull away.

Gareth moved his lips over his shoulder to the side of his neck, and without thought, Severus leaned his head back, exposing his throat. He felt Gareth's lips caressing his pulse point and then the hollow below his Adam's apple. He let out a vague, choked cry, and Gareth drew back and looked at him. He brought his hand up and caressed Severus's cheek.

"It's all right, Snape. You are safe with me," Gareth murmured.

Tears squeezed out from Severus's tightly closed eyes. His teeth were clenched together. Gareth gently rubbed Severus's tight jaw.

"Relax, relax," Gareth said, then kissed Severus on the other side of his face before nuzzling him gently. "It's all right. It's all right."

Severus shook his head and a sudden gasping sob ripped from him. Gareth embraced him, holding him close.

"I have you, Severus. I have you."

Severus felt his knees give way and he sagged into Gareth's arms. He wept on the other wizard's shoulder, only semi-aware of the soothing crooning in his ear, soft words of reassurance. His tears subsided and his breathing calmed. Gareth was still rubbing his back.

He did not move, trying to remember the last time he had anyone hold him like that, the last time someone had wanted to touch him, kiss him, be close to him in order to bring him pleasure and comfort, not to hurt him. Minerva had been good to him, and she had held him and let him make love to her, and she continued to be a good friend who showed him affection, but if it had not been for the Actus Adfectus curse, she never would have been so physically intimate with him.

Before Minerva, almost every woman he had been with since he was twenty he had paid or made some other exchange with. And before that, there had been Bella. He hadn't loved her, but he had craved her and he had craved her attention. Some part of him wanted her to love him, though, and he did as she asked in the relationship, until one day, she asked too much. She enjoyed watching others have sex, directing them, and the kinkier, the better. He believed the stories that circulated about how she had decided which Lestrange brother to marry.

He had thought that he was her favourite, or one of them, until she wanted him to be a part of a foursome with the brothers and he didn't want to be the middle of the sandwich with her, and she had rejected him for it. He knew that what he had done with Bella had not been about his pleasure or comfort...it had been about her pleasure and no one else's. She wanted to be desired and obeyed, and she never cared about how the other person felt, as long as they wanted her and she could manipulate their desire.

Before Bella . . . he had once kissed Lily. They had both pretended it hadn't happened. Perhaps if he hadn't been such a nasty prat, it might have happened again.

Severus sighed.

"Better?" Gareth asked quietly.

Severus gave a quick nod, but did not move away. He felt frozen. Frozen and embarrassed, yet paradoxically, he also felt comfortable. Gareth was now stroking his hair, running his fingers through it.

"Why are you doing this?" Severus whispered. "I don't understand."

"Because I see you and I care about you," Gareth answered. He smiled and kissed the side of Snape's head. "It's ironic. I once said I would never shed a tear for you, that it would not bother me if you died with misery in your heart. And yet, I do shed that tear, and I don't want you to live with misery in your heart. I want you to have a chance for happiness. I don't know how you can be happy when you close yourself off to others."

Severus leaned back against the doorframe again, his eyes closed, his head back. He was not surprised to feel Gareth's fingertips brush over his throat again, and he shivered as the caress proceeded down over his chest, lingering briefly at one nipple, then proceeding in slow, gentle circles over his stomach. As Gareth caressed his stomach, circling his navel with one finger, he brought his other hand from where it had rested on his lower back, and Severus felt both hands at the waist of his trousers. He did not move.

Gareth unhooked the waistband, then he asked, "Should I stop?"

Severus didn't answer, but as Gareth began to unbutton his trousers, he pushed Gareth's hands out of the way and unbuttoned them himself. He opened his eyes and looked at Gareth.

"I don't know what I want," Severus said softly.

"Let's just see, then, what you like," Gareth replied, taking his hand and stepping back. "Come over here to the couch with me."

Severus nodded, then he looked down at his trousers. "Should I?"

Gareth smiled at him fondly. "If you wish. It would be nicer for you, I think."

"My boots..."

"Yes, it's usually easier to remove those first. May I help?" He crouched at Severus's feet and looked up at him, still smiling.

Severus looked unsure, but he raised his left foot.

"If you take hold of my shoulder, that would make it easier not to tip you over."

"You aren't using your wand," Severus remarked as he leaned forward and rested his weight on Gareth's shoulder.

"I prefer the personal touch," Gareth replied as he removed first Snape's left boot then his right. He stood and placed his hand on Severus's waist. "Do you remember when you wouldn't let me wash your feet?"

Severus nodded. "You were unexpected. I did appreciate it," he said quietly, "even though I didn't say it at the time."

"I thought you might have." He stepped back toward the sofa. "Come join me."

Now that he could take off his trousers, Severus didn't think that he wanted to, but he followed Gareth, feeling awkward. Standing in front of the sofa, Gareth stopped Severus, putting both palms against his chest. He watched Severus's face as he drew his hands down over his torso. He put his hands down the front of Snape's trousers, running them around his hips to his buttocks then back again, and began pushing the trousers down.

"I don't know," Severus began.

"Let's see," Gareth said. "Let's just see." He pushed Severus's trousers down, crouching, then standing again smoothly.

Severus hesitated only a moment, then he stepped out of them and kicked them aside, but Gareth picked them up and sent them to fold themselves up with Snape's other clothes.

Gareth smiled at Severus and guided him to sit on the couch. He knelt and removed Severus's socks, then he rose up on his knees, placing his hands on Snape's thighs. He rubbed them gently. "I am glad to see you have put on a little weight," he said. "You feel more solid, healthier."

"What do you want me to do?" Severus asked.

"Just feel, that's all, just feel."

Gareth began to gently massage Severus's left leg, beginning with his calf and proceeding up to his thigh. He first kneaded the muscles, then ended with feather-light strokes of his fingertips over his skin. When Gareth began to massage Severus's right leg, Severus closed his eyes and leaned back. He held his breath when Gareth reached the top of his right thigh, and he was unsure what he felt when Gareth stopped and stood. He opened his eyes to see Gareth standing between his legs, looking down at him, his eyes travelling from his face to the growing bulge in his pants and back to his face.

Gareth gently cupped Severus's face and brushed his thumb over his cheek. "All right, Snape?"

Severus nodded. He wondered what Gareth was going to do next, and tried not to anticipate what it might be.

Gareth took hold of his shoulders and urged him to lie down on his stomach. Severus let out a long, slow breath as he felt Gareth rubbing his shoulders. As he relaxed into his touch, he felt tears rise in his eyes again, and he remembered another massage, one that Poppy had given him shortly before the final battle, when all his muscles were knots, pain was his existence, and he was certain he would die. He had wept then, and she had let him, accepting his tears and his pain as they released beneath her professional but warm and caring touch. Her care had been an unlooked-for kindness, a gentle mercy, at a moment when all was bleak and his resignation and despair, complete.

Gareth's hands moved over his back, kneading and rubbing. When he reached the waistband of Severus's pants, Severus found himself holding his breath again. He felt a slight twinge of disappointment when Gareth's hands did not proceed lower, but then he shivered as he felt Gareth's warm palms on his shoulder blades and then his soft lips on his back, his short beard brushing his skin. He felt Gareth nuzzle aside his hair and kiss the back of his neck as his hands gently moved up to curl around his shoulders. If Gareth still hated him, if it were all an act, he could kill him. Humiliate him, and then kill him. But Severus sighed softly and relaxed as Gareth's lips moved over his shoulders, gently brushing and sucking. He could feel Gareth's shirt grazing his back as the younger wizard bent over him. This wizard was his friend, a true friend.

Severus pressed his hips into the sofa's cushions. Against his will, his erection was growing. He didn't know what this meant, but at the moment, he followed Gareth's advice not to think, only to feel.

As Gareth's kisses and gentle caresses meandered over his back, he wondered whether Gareth was doing this only because he felt sorry for him or whether he enjoyed it. He pushed that thought from his mind as well.

Gareth's lips were painting patterns over his lower back, and his hands were warmly pressed against Severus's sides. He paused a moment, not moving away, but his breath soft against Severus's skin.

"All right, Snape?"

"Yes." Severus hesitated. "Are you going to take off your shirt?"

"Do you want me to?"

Severus shrugged. Gareth stood, and Severus turned his head and watched Gareth untie the lacing at his throat. His sleeves were rolled up, so he only had to tug his shirt from his kilt and then pull it off over his head. Severus looked at him. He felt no sexual desire for the body he saw before him, but he felt a bit of envy for the broad shoulders and well-muscled torso that the younger wizard possessed. He had curly hair across his chest, slightly darker than the chestnut hair of his head, and a narrow line of fine hair that led down his stomach and disappeared beneath his kilt. He wasn't wearing a sporran, probably because he was at home, relaxing on his own, and had no need of it. Severus wondered whether Gareth had felt any pleasure touching him, but though he glanced at the apron of his kilt, he couldn't tell.

"Is this all right?" Gareth asked.

Severus nodded.

Gareth sat on the edge of the couch and urged Severus to roll over onto his side and give him more room. He toed off his shoes. He looked Severus in the eyes and reached out with one hand to caress his chest.

"Did you like that, then?" Gareth asked, still caressing Severus gently. "Would you like me to continue?" At Snape's nod, he asked, "Is there anything specific you would like?"

Severus blushed despite himself.

"There is, then," Gareth said with a smile. "What is it?"

Severus shook his head. "Nothing." He swallowed. "We should dress. They may return."

"No, they won't. Not for a while." He tilted his head. "I guess I will just have to discover what it is you would like." He took Severus's left hand and raised it to his mouth. He kissed his palm, eyes closing as he did so, then he gently kissed the pads of each of Severus's fingertips, opening his eyes to look into Severus's face. "That's nice, but that is not it." He kissed his palm once more before gently laying his hand back down. "Something I have missed, perhaps."

Gareth's eyes moved to the front of Severus's pants. To Severus's embarrassment, his erection was very noticeable through the cotton fabric.

"But not that, I think," Gareth said softly. "But perhaps . . ." He shifted over slightly, then said, "Roll back over onto your stomach, Snape."

Severus let out a breath as he did as Gareth asked. He felt his hands on his lower back, then felt them move lower, over his buttocks. Gareth rubbed his buttocks through the fabric. Severus closed his eyes tightly.

"This?" Gareth asked. "Yes, this." He watched Snape's face as he massaged him through his pants, then he said, "It might be better without these, don't you think?"

Severus didn't respond in any way, but when Gareth slipped his fingers beneath his waistband, he raised up his hips and used one hand to help him remove his pants. When Gareth's hands returned to his buttocks and began to massage him, Severus released a long breath.

"You like this, then?" Gareth asked softly. "You have a nice arse, Snape, if I may say so. Firm, rounded, muscular, and nice slim hips. Very nice." His firm massage became a more gentle kneading, then he began simply to stroke his fingertips lightly over his buttocks, smiling as he saw goosebumps rise on Severus's skin.

Severus felt Gareth move down on the couch, though his gentle touch never ceased. He gasped as he felt Gareth's lips join his fingers, softly kissing him, moving over his skin. The sensation was intense; his buttocks had always been sensitive for him, but no one had ever kissed him there. He was slightly disappointed when Gareth's lips moved higher, making their way up his back to his shoulder blades. He kissed Severus between the shoulder blades.

"This is for you, Snape. I only want to bring you pleasure and warmth."

Gareth resumed gently massaging Severus's buttocks with one hand, running the fingers of his other hand through his hair.

"Do you want to roll over?" Gareth asked.

"I'm, um, no."

"Onto your side?"

Severus shook his head.

Gareth responded by slipping off the couch onto his knees beside him. He rested his head on Severus's back, one arm draped around him.

"You could roll over if you want," Gareth said. "I won't do anything that you don't want. And there is no need to be embarrassed. Most of it is just a purely physical reaction, you know. You feel relaxed enough with me to have it, though, which is nice. But you don't need to worry that it means anything significant about you...other than that you're healthy. That's a good thing."

Severus rolled onto his side and was relieved to see that Gareth merely rested his head against his chest and didn't glance down at his slight erection.

"Are you comfortable?" Severus asked.

Gareth smiled. "Yes, I'm comfortable." He kissed Severus's chest. "Thank you for asking."

Severus raised his hand and tentatively touched Gareth's cheek. "Would you like to lie beside me?"

Gareth lifted his head. "If you would like that, yes, I would."

Severus nodded.

Gareth drew his wand, puzzling Severus for a moment, but he cast a spell and the couch became several inches wider. He lay down beside Severus, resting his head on the cushion next to his, his face just inches away from Severus's face, embracing him with one arm. Severus looked into Gareth's eyes. He didn't know how he came to be in this position, and he was suddenly uncomfortable. He closed his eyes.

He felt Gareth caress his cheek. He shook his head slightly and Gareth moved his hand to rest on his shoulder.

"Just let me hold you a while, Snape. It will be all right."

Gareth embraced him, one hand gently rubbing his back. His breath was warm on Severus's face.

"What next?" Severus asked, his voice rasping slightly.

"Nothing, nothing unless you want me to touch you elsewhere," Gareth said.

"No, I mean, after today."

Gareth kissed his cheek. "After today, we are friends, I hope, as we were before." Gareth paused. "I hope that is acceptable to you. I didn't mean this to be the beginning of a different relationship between us. Although if you ever need a massage or just a friendly shoulder to lean on, you know that I'm here."

Severus nodded, relieved, and he relaxed again, taking pleasure in the warmth of Gareth's body beside him. He wasn't attracted to Gareth, he told himself, but there was something arousing about the thought that the curly-haired wizard might desire him. He opened his eyes to see that Gareth was looking at him.

Gareth raised a questioning eyebrow.

"What is it?" Gareth asked.

"Nothing."

"I can tell it's not nothing. You can tell me."

"No, I can't." He opened his eyes.

Gareth nodded. "That's all right. I said this was about intimacy, and about your pleasure, your comfort," he said softly. "And I meant it. I think it's time for lunch now."

Gareth rolled off of the couch, and without glancing down Severus's body, he picked up his shirt and pulled it on, his back turned. He picked up Severus's pants and handed them to him.

"You all right, Snape?"

Severus nodded, sitting up and pulling on his pants, glad that Gareth didn't appear interested in his slight erection. Gareth Summoned the rest of Severus's clothes for him, then sat beside him on the couch as Severus put on his socks.

"After you're dressed, we can go out to the kitchen and we can have lunch. I hope you like lasagna. I just took it from the oven when you arrived, so it will need a reheating charm, but it should still be fine."

"I've had bad lasagna and good lasagna," Severus said.

Gareth grinned. "Well, you're about to have some great lasagna. I spent a lot of time in the Mediterranean in the last several years, and so I'm partial to certain flavours. If you like Greek food, that's sort of my specialty. You should come to dinner sometime."

Severus looked around him, as if remembering where he was. "Thank you, but I don't think so."

"I could probably arrange for you and Hermione to have your dessert alone together. In a few weeks, it will be nice enough to eat out in the garden. It could be quite romantic."

"What of your mother?"

Gareth thought for a moment, watching Severus as he buttoned his shirt.

"Well, she has dinner with Uncle Albus and Aunt Minerva relatively regularly," he said. "One time when she has dinner plans with them or goes to the estate, I'll tell her that I've invited you here. I think that if I approach it right, and I give her some time to get used to the idea of you being in the house, being my guest, she'll be fine."

Severus shook his head. "I don't know, McGonagall."

He put on his waistcoat and buttoned it, feeling the pocket for the reassuring weight of his watch, the watch that Albus had given him. He had thought at the time that Albus was dying. After he had discovered Albus's grand deception, he'd put the watch in a drawer and tried to forget it. He was angry and hurt by the deception, though he could clearly see its benefits and understood that he couldn't have been told about it. Nonetheless, remembering the pain he had felt when Albus died...when he had believed that Albus had died, and died a long, painful death...and remembering the guilt he had felt over it and his sense of grief and loss, he'd found it difficult to shed his anger. He had even been angry with Minerva, though less so, even knowing that she had been the architect of the deception. But as time went by, his gratitude grew, his anger lessened, and one day in September in the Great Hall, he had looked over at Albus, and he suddenly felt immensely thankful that Albus was alive, that they were both alive. A few days later, he brought him the watch.

"This is yours, Albus," he said softly, handing him the watch in the same soft pouch that Albus had given it to him in.

"No, no, it is yours. I gave it to you because I wanted you to have it. And someday, you may have a child to pass it on to. That thought makes me happy."

Severus shook his head, thinking that the deception had made Albus battier than ever if he thought he would ever have children, but he accepted the watch and now carried it daily again, placing it on his bedside table every night and winding it every morning.

Reassured by the presence of his watch in his pocket, Severus slipped on his jacket, but didn't button it.

"I think I should leave now. I appreciate your offer of lunch, but your mother may return. I don't want to disturb her."

"I would appreciate your company, and they have plans for the entire afternoon. The earliest they might be back is teatime."

Severus nodded shortly. He was hungry. His appetite had continued to increase in recent months, and he found himself both able to eat more and enjoying his meals as he hadn't for years. Lunch might be agreeable.

NEXT

Chapter Thirty: A Tour of the Past

Saturday, 6 March 1999

Gareth gives Severus a tour of his mother's house, and Severus tells him about his family. At the spur of the moment, Severus invites Hermione on a date.

Rated M.

Characters: Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Gareth McGonagall, Gertrude Gamp

Author's Note: Anyone hoping for a Severus/Gareth romance on the heels of this chapter, you will be disappointed; however, there will be more Severus & Gareth moments of various sorts in upcoming chapters.