Chapter Fifty-Five: Not Falling in Love

PART SIX

Chapter Fifty-Five: Not Falling in Love

Monday, 15 March 1999

After Severus left, Poppy sighed, rolled over, and hugged a pillow to her chest. This wasn't good. Not good at all. She was beginning to feel as though they were in a real relationship, not just having a little fling. She couldn't let herself fall in love with him. Not only would she be hurt eventually when he finally decided to begin seeing another witch, or just when he became tired of her, but it was a foolish notion, anyway. He was not her type, not for the long term, and she couldn't imagine that she was his type. Even if they tried to have a relationship, it would fail. Their personalities weren't suited to each other. He was a sarcastic, sharp-edged Slytherin. She was a soft, bleeding-heart Hufflepuff. They would make each other crazy, they even might be hurtful to each other, and she didn't want that. Besides, she was too old for him, and he wouldn't want a long-term relationship with her, not once things cooled off.

She couldn't really want to be with Severus, Poppy told herself. She simply had been lonely and not known it. It had been a long time since she had been in a sexual relationship of any kind...the last had been a brief summertime affair with an old friend almost five years before...and she did like Severus's attention to her, and not just the sex. And it was very flattering that he was so open with her, expressing his insecurities, desires, secret wishes . . . Severus was paying her a compliment by exposing himself as he had, both emotionally and physically.

She would have to see to it that they did regulate the frequency with which they had sex. The newness of their relationship and their previous sexual abstinence for such a long time...greater for Severus than for her...drove them to have such frequent sex. If they really were in a true relationship and not just having a fling, the frequency would eventually abate on its own, anyway. As it was a sexual fling, that defined the relationship, and so they felt driven to have sex at every available opportunity, knowing, too, that each opportunity might be the last. And it was very arousing to do it in some of the ways they had. In the fourth floor corridor, as unwise as that had been, it had been very hot. Of course, they had both had too much to drink. But the time in the staff room, that had been very sexy. Just doing it there in the staff room on the table . . . despite being sexually exhausted, Poppy felt a tingling in her clitoris thinking about it. And he had wanted her to restrain him. She normally didn't find any kind of bondage titillating, but that had been quite titillating once she had relaxed. Much of it had simply been the fact that he had trusted her, that he had wanted to feel safe with her, that being restrained by her had made him feel safe, and that he wanted her to take her pleasure with him. And it had been wonderful to be able to kiss him and touch him wherever she wished.

That night, though, most of the anal sex had been a bit much for her, though it hadn't been painful, and she would have to tell him that in the future, a finger or a much smaller dildo were as much as she could tolerate, but she had enjoyed his pleasure and was glad to have given him another new experience. Poppy remembered the expression on his face when he orgasmed with the dildo vibrating in her vagina as he was in the other side, so to speak. He had tried so hard not to lose control, but he clearly had enjoyed that. Yes, if he enjoyed having intercourse whilst she had a vibrating dildo up her arse, she would do that, it would just have to be smaller. Of course, he also seemed to like anal intercourse . . . that alone, Poppy knew, would do very little for her, but she thought she wouldn't mind it occasionally if it were important to him...after all, he did spend a good deal of energy on assuring she was well satisfied. She would have to talk to him about it and see.

The situation might not arise, though. She would need to make sure that they stuck to their agreement and didn't have sex two days in a row, Poppy thought. It would be safer for her heart if she limited it even more than that. That wouldn't be difficult. They were both busy during the week, and they both had other duties and other friends. She was going to go into Hogsmeade and visit Gertrude, her niece wanted her to visit and see her new baby, she needed to go speak with Healer Glyndwr at St. Mungo's and she might stay and have dinner with her, and there could be other, unexpected draws on her time, as well. Severus seemed to leave the castle to visit friends, himself. But more important than the sex was the time they spent together when they weren't having sex. She would have to be better at maintaining collegiality, as well. She shouldn't have joined him and Gareth for a beer in his rooms. That was too friendly. And going out to dinner with him had been far too romantic. After they weren't having a fling any longer, they could become better friends, but not yet. Of course, if they weren't having sex, Severus might not want to see her at all any longer. Yet another reason to beware her heart.

Despite what she'd implied to Severus when he had asked her about her earlier relationships, she had only really been in love once, with Murdoch. She had seen other wizards, attempted to form relationships with them, but by the time that Severus had begun teaching at Hogwarts, she had decided that she had used up her ability to be in love, that her relationship with Murdoch had completely wrung it out of her. She'd had a few pleasant relationships in the first decade or so after Murdoch had married Estelle, but, other than Quin, none of the wizards stood out particularly, and her relationship with Quin hadn't gone anywhere for a variety of reasons, including his injury. Any time before Murdoch seemed rather a blur. There had been a very charming, energetic Healer when she'd worked at St. Mungo's, but although the relationship had lasted almost two years, it was far more like a fling, and they hadn't seen each other after she'd left Mungo's for Hogwarts. It had hurt her a little that he wasn't even interested in maintaining a friendship, even if they broke off their romantic relationship, but then Poppy realised that she really didn't care about staying in contact with him, either, except that it hurt her pride that he didn't want to and had actually come out and said so.

By the late eighties, Poppy had decided to stick with discreet flings and brief affairs, and not many of those. She was choosy and she never felt desperate, so the relative scarcity of such opportunities didn't bother her. Her life was happy. When she went to the dungeons to see Severus that night after he had flirted with her, she had felt aroused by him and by the thought that the dark, private, inscrutable wizard had seemed attracted to her. She really had believed it would only be for the one night, that it was an exciting tryst and nothing more, because what more could there be? But somehow...even in just the last two days...her affection for him had grown, and she could not allow it to grow any further, at least not in any romantic way.

Exciting, clandestine sexual trysts, that was what she wanted, Poppy told herself. And she certainly was getting it. But their friendship and the sex had to remain separate. No allowing herself to believe she was falling in love. She knew to guard against it, and she would. A very bad friend, indeed, she would be to Severus if she allowed herself to become enamoured of him. He had a future now, and he deserved to find a witch and fall in love with her. She was not going to cling to him or try to keep him to herself; if she tied Severus to her by extending their sexual relationship, she could be closing off his opportunity for happiness with someone else. She would not do that to him. She knew how Severus had suffered during the war, and he now had the freedom to do as he wished, to make friends and to take lovers as he chose, unrestrained by his role as a spy. She would take care of him as a loving friend by ensuring that she did not become too attached to their physical relationship and, as unlikely as it seemed, making sure that she did not fall in love with him. An absurd idea, anyway.

Poppy rolled over, relaxed, and fell asleep, comfortable with her decision.

Severus sat up in a cold sweat, his vocal cords sore from the harsh scream that had woken him. He had become better at lucid dreaming, better at ending the nightmares before they became too nightmarish, turning them around on themselves, or, when he couldn't do that, waking himself from them before they plunged him into pain and terror. He was better at it, but not perfect. There were even nights when he would wake in the morning unaware of what he had dreamed the night before, and feeling well and rested. But then there were the nights when he still woke screaming, sometimes crying, as he had just woken that night.

The pain and fear were still pounding in his chest and flooding his body as he threw back the covers and scrubbed at his face with his arm, wiping his tears away. It was just as well that Poppy hadn't come back to his rooms with him. His screaming would have woken her, and though he knew that she wouldn't think less of him...she knew what he had been through, not all of it, but enough of it...it would still be embarrassing. Despite that, as Severus stood over his sink and splashed his face with cold water after first emptying his stomach, retching into the toilet, he wished she had been there. Perhaps he would not have had a nightmare if she had been. And if he had, she could have held him. He knew she would have. He wouldn't admit it to her or to anyone, but he would have liked that, not to wake alone after one of those dreams so terrible that the word "nightmare" seemed inadequate to describe it, and then to have someone soft, warm, and caring there to help him feel something other than the terror and the nausea, to have that someone be Poppy.

Severus showered and dressed, knowing he would not be able to fall asleep again, not until it was time for him to get up and teach. He heated some water in a mug and let a Muggle tea bag steep five minutes, then drank it down, still nearly scalding hot. He wanted coffee, but that would have to wait until breakfast. Of course, he could call Twiskett, but he'd never developed that habit, and he could also easily wait. As Head of Slytherin, he even had Twiskett assigned particularly to him, Twiskett's duties to Severus and to Slytherin House taking precedence over any other work he might be assigned by Swelka. Waking the house-elf just for a cup of coffee seemed unnecessary, though.

The house-elves usually considered it an honour to be selected to serve a member of staff rather than just do the general work in the kitchen, laundry, and elsewhere, but apparently serving Snape had once been considered the least desirable job in the castle. When, a couple of years after he had begun teaching, Albus had told him that, Severus had become incensed. He was never cruel to the house-elves, he said. He never had anything to do with them at all. He didn't even make the one assigned to him do anything other than clean his rooms and do his laundry. He learned then that that was precisely the problem. House-elves wanted to serve. Serving a Head of House was seen as a particular mark of status and reserved for elder house-elves. But since he never called on his house-elf, Spruffle, to do anything, Spruffle felt offended and debased. Severus had snorted and said something about the debasing uses that some purebloods had for their house-elves, so if the house-elf wanted to know what it really was to be debased and to provide a service, as well, he could have the elf suck his cock every morning. That attempt at humour had not been well-received by Dumbledore, and Severus cringed now, remembering it. Finally, they had simply found a young house-elf, Twiskett, who had many other duties, and had assigned him to Severus, telling him that the best way to serve this particular teacher was by performing his duties so well and flawlessly that his existence was never noticed.

Twiskett had stayed with him, invisibly tending to his needs for the past sixteen years. Very occasionally, when Severus had been sick or injured, he had called his house-elf to bring him meals or to fetch Albus for him, but those occasions were rarities. Severus rarely heard Twiskett speak. He would pop into his presence when called, wait for instruction, then leave. It was clear from his behaviour during the battle of Hogwarts that he did identify with Snape and had a peculiar loyalty toward him despite the little direct contact they had had over the years. He had joined the small group of students calling themselves "Snape's Slytherins," much to their surprise, though not to their objection. Twiskett had survived and he still served Severus in the same quietly devoted, unobtrusive way he had always done, as though nothing had changed and as though he had done nothing extraordinary, even though he was the first house-elf ever to be awarded an Order of Merlin. That autumn when Severus had become so ill again, Twiskett had even looked after him, quite likely saving his life, or at least his magic. He was a good elf.

Severus went to his office and spent a productive two hours before breakfast. He was the first to arrive in the Great Hall, a few minutes before breakfast was to begin, but as soon as he sat down at the staff table, all of the place settings appeared on the tables. Hopeful, he turned his coffee cup right-side-up and it filled itself, and pitchers of cream and of milk appeared up and down the staff table. He reached for the cream and poured in a hefty amount.

He looked up as the doors to the Great Hall opened. Filius Flitwick and Pomona Sprout entered, followed by a handful of seventh-year Ravenclaws. Severus recognised all of them as studious little prats. Probably wanted to eat quickly and then go to the library for an hour before classes. He had done the same thing as a student, though only partly in order to have time to study. He also avoided having to see most of his peers if he did that. Fifth year, OWLs year, he and Lily would meet in the library every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning before classes began. Often, he wouldn't even go to breakfast, and she would bring him a bread roll and an orange or banana.

Severus sighed and turned his mind from the past. He was meeting Poppy that evening to discuss the counselling project. He knew that she wanted to meet with a Healer from St. Mungo's that week, and they would meet again after she had. Perhaps she would want to go back to her rooms after they met. Or to his. Or to his office . . . but his office was unpleasant, even for a meeting. He might find the idea of sex in his office titillating, but he was certain that Poppy would not, despite her general tolerance and her professional background.

Perhaps it was time to put his bottles and jars of floating bits and bobs away in a cupboard. Have the house-elves give the walls a whitewashing, and the office a thorough cleaning beforehand. Severus did not like having the house-elves clean his office, but he was not particularly mindful of it until the corners began to gather an obvious layer of dirt. And it took a while for it to become obvious because he kept the room so dimly lit. Yes, there was no reason for him to keep the office the way he had always had it. Over the Easter holidays, he would have Twiskett help him clean and refurbish his office. And perhaps he might think about doing something to his own rooms eventually, although they were perfectly fine as they were. He could ask Twiskett for more lighting, though. A few more lamps might make it more comfortable when people came around. Well, when Poppy came around. He wasn't certain what more he could do to his quarters beyond that. If he decided to stay at Hogwarts, he would talk to Minerva about it in June. He still didn't want to take Slughorn's old rooms...which the old Slytherin had used again when he had returned to teach Potions a couple years before...but it might be nice to make some improvements to his own.

Minerva and Albus came in, and with so few people in the Great Hall, Minerva didn't drop her hand from Albus's arm as she usually did in the presence of students. At social events, she would sometimes take his arm, but other than that, she and Albus scarcely behaved any differently in public than they had before he had apparently died, although they were seen together more frequently as they took walks in the gardens or went into Hogsmeade. Severus assumed that it was a combination of years of habit, Minerva's own reserve, and her desire for the students to see the two of them primarily in their roles at Hogwarts.

Minerva smiled at Severus as she took her seat next to him. "Good morning, Severus! Did you have a good evening?"

"It was quite congenial, thank you," Severus replied.

"Where did you go to dinner?" Albus asked as he helped himself to eggs and fried bread.

"Diagon Alley."

"Oh? The Leaky Cauldron?"

"No. I don't like the food there," Severus said.

"So where did you end up?" Albus asked.

Severus began to scowl, but Minerva interceded. "Albus, let Severus eat in peace. You know he doesn't like conversation at breakfast."

Severus was able to finish the rest of his breakfast without being quizzed by Albus, and as more students trickled into the Great Hall, he began to anticipate Poppy's arrival. They had had a late night, and there were mornings when she didn't come to breakfast in the Great Hall, but he nonetheless kept his attention tuned to the doors. The previous night had been spectacular, in his opinion. Not just the night, but from the time that McGonagall had stepped from his rooms and left him alone with Poppy, through their dinner at Delancie's, and then his return to Poppy's quarters after he had raced through his rounds...it was all more wonderful than he had ever believed life could be.

Poppy was so sexy, and stripping her of her bathrobe and taking her against the door had been incredibly satisfying. And then the bath . . . that had been so arousing, washing her nude, wet body, bringing her to climax, and yet despite his intense arousal, he had held her, and holding her had brought him satisfaction of a different sort. But then in the bedroom, he had fucked her and come repeatedly, and she had fucked him with the dildo as she sucked his cock. He had never dreamed that something like that could be so powerfully orgasmic, or that anyone would ever want to do such a thing with him. Severus could feel the strain of his growing erection. He hoped it would subside before he had to leave to teach; though his over-robe would hide it, it was distracting.

Poppy was beyond good to him, so generous and warm. He wished she would come in to breakfast, but as the minutes ticked by, he decided to try not to be disappointed. He had only wanted to see her, and that was all he could have done, anyway. She sat down at the far end of the table from him, and he had to teach shortly. There would be no time for conversation or anything else.

The morning Post Owls arrived, bringing letters and the Daily Prophet. A Horned Owl settled down beside his place, and Severus took the letter addressed to him and gave the owl a piece of sausage.

From Arthur Weasley. Severus looked over at the Gryffindor table. Ginny Weasley was there, sitting with her friends, but she was as unanimated as usual. Severus opened the envelope.

Dear Severus,

Arthur

Severus was displeased that Arthur had not made any specific plan to come up to Hogwarts, but he would owl him after morning classes and suggest that they meet that evening. In fact, he would offer to come to the Burrow. The mention of Bill particularly irked him. He may not have mentioned specifically why they needed to speak, but as he had written in his capacity as Deputy Headmaster and had signed his letter that way, it should have been clear that he needed to speak with him as the father of a Hogwarts student. The older brother would not do.

Breakfast was drawing to a close, and Poppy had not arrived. Severus stood, trying not to feel disappointed, and left the Great Hall and headed for the dungeons to teach. Another cup of coffee between classes might help him shake the cobwebs from his head after too little sleep the night before. It would have been nice to see Poppy's smiling face, though . . .

After his last class of the morning...he only had two, since the first had been a double session...Severus penned a quick note to Arthur, telling him that he would meet him at the Burrow at eight-thirty. He was meeting with Poppy earlier in the evening, but he didn't think that the meeting would last very long. It was a pity that he wouldn't be able to join her for some private amusement after their meeting, but perhaps they could see each other after he returned from the Burrow, even if all they did was sit together and talk.

Severus went to the Owlery and posted his letter to Arthur, then he took the stairs as quickly as possible back down to the ground floor for lunch. He kept his expression neutral as he stepped into the Great Hall and saw Poppy sitting at the staff table. As he walked toward the back of the Hall, he tried to discreetly catch her eye, just to make brief contact with her, but she seemed engrossed in conversation with Pomona. Albus had moved chairs again, and Cahill was sitting on Minerva's left and Vector on her right. There were two seats free, one down between Flitwick and Hagrid and another on the other side of the table between Poppy and Duffy. Severus gritted his teeth and took the seat between the two witches. Sitting beside Poppy should more than compensate for Duffy's proximity.

Unfortunately, Pomona and Poppy's conversation did not abate when he sat down...not that he expected Poppy to devote her attention to him, he told himself...and Duffy ate stiffly and mechanically, not even glancing at him once. She looked as though she would leap through the enchanted ceiling if startled. Severus had no interest in speaking with her, but it was uncomfortable eating beside someone who was clearly so uncomfortable herself. Severus sighed, and when Duffy twitched, flinching, he suppressed another sigh.

"Um, Professor Duffy," he said in the gentlest voice he could manage given his irritation with the witch.

"Yes?" she squeaked, not looking at him and, thankfully, not reminding him that her name was Sarah.

"I wish to . . ." Not apologise, no, that would be too much, even if it might please Poppy. Duffy had assaulted him, after all, her foot creeping unwanted up his ankle. "I believe we have experienced a misunderstanding. And that my sense of humour was . . . unexpected." Now, how to express that if she left him alone, he would leave her alone . . . "I will attempt to restrain myself from making such questionable jokes in your presence in the future. And perhaps you might consider something similar."

Duffy looked at him out of the corner of her eye and nodded stiffly before turning her attention to her lentil salad.

Severus ate his own lentil salad with some appreciation. Pleasantly tart with balsamic vinegar, it also had onion, bits of tomato, garlic, oregano, parsley, brown rice, olive oil, and even some Greek black olives. He had had it for the first time a few weeks before and enjoyed it. The house-elves were apparently becoming a bit more adventurous. He beckoned, Summoning the bowl of lentil salad and helping himself to more.

Next to him, Duffy eyed his plate. "You like that?" she asked timidly.

"Mmhm."

"It's, um, it's my recipe." She gave a shy smile. "No fresh blood in it, I'm afraid."

Severus quirked a slight, crooked grin and shrugged one shoulder. "Nothing's perfect."

Duffy smiled, sighed, and returned to eating her own lunch. Severus gave thanks that she hadn't taken their small exchange as an invitation to further conversation. He listened as Poppy and Pomona discussed some outing they were planning. When he had arrived, they had been discussing the maturity of the current crop of Mandrakes. That had been a conversation he could have joined, but shortly thereafter, their conversation moved on to more personal topics, and he found no opening to add anything, so he simply listened. It sounded as though they were planning to go away for a few days during the Easter holiday. Severus kept himself from scowling. He and Poppy were going to be working on their project over the holiday, and he had looked forward to being able to spend more time alone with her, kissing her sweet pink skin, licking her everywhere, pleasuring her, fucking her, and then falling asleep with her in his arms.

It would only be for a few days, Severus told himself. It wasn't as though they would have worked on the project every day, anyway. And they couldn't fuck every day. Well, he probably could, he sometimes thought, but he wouldn't want to overtax Poppy. But to be able to fall asleep with her, to hold her and keep the nightmares at bay . . .

He looked over at Duffy, but she was now talking to Lloyd. It was better if he didn't talk to her, anyway, Severus decided. She might mistake it for friendliness if he did, and he did not want to become better acquainted with her. He was startled when Poppy and Pomona both stood, ready to leave.

"See you this evening for our meeting, Severus," Poppy said with a cheerful smile and a nod before she turned and followed Pomona down into the Great Hall.

They had said that they would behave as they always had in public, but Severus was disappointed that they hadn't spoken at all despite sitting next to each other for the entire meal. He hadn't even had time to respond before Poppy was off.

The afternoon went quickly, and when he came up to the Great Hall for dinner, he saw that Albus was not there yet. He could sit in his normal seat. He did wish that when everyone else played musical chairs, they would leave his chair alone. He liked sitting in the same place every meal, and he liked sitting beside Minerva, who always could tell when he wasn't in the mood for conversation, but when he was, she was a good conversational partner. Of course, if Albus moved around, he might still have someone less pleasant on his other side, but at least he wasn't sitting in some random spot at the table. He wouldn't mind if he could sit next to Poppy, of course, but that rarely happened.

Severus smiled to himself as he saw Albus take Poppy's seat next to Pomona. Now Poppy would have to seek another seat, and the one on his right was still free. Hopefully, she would come in before Vector did. They might not even speak very much, but it would be nice to sit beside her. He had been looking forward to seeing her all afternoon.

Severus helped himself to dumplings, gravy, and roast pork, then as he looked for the alternative to the broccoli, hoping for a vegetable he preferred to that, the doors to the Great Hall opened. He kept a straight face, but his heart leapt in his chest as he saw that it was Poppy. He watched discreetly as she approached the staff table. He couldn't quite see her as she walked past her usual place at the far end of the table, but as she came closer, he turned his head and looked up at her, giving her a small smile. Poppy smiled warmly and nodded in greeting, and then, to his disappointment, sat in the chair to the left of Minerva's, where Albus normally sat.

Severus began to lean toward Poppy to speak to her, but then Minerva, who had bustled in when Severus had been distracted by Poppy, pulled out her chair and sat down between them.

Severus suppressed a sigh and helped himself to broccoli as Minerva and Poppy began to chat about the upcoming Easter holiday. It seemed that Minerva knew about Poppy's plans, and Minerva expressed her approval that Poppy had changed her mind and decided to go wherever it was she was going. Severus scarcely heard the rest of their conversation. It was clear to him that Poppy had only recently decided to go away for the Easter holiday. Obviously, she was not required to ask his permission, or even consult him about it, but she had never even mentioned that she was considering a trip, even when they were discussing the project and how they would work on the details of the programme over the holiday.

He tried to tell himself that it didn't matter, that if it was something that she had only decided that morning and hadn't anticipated, she wouldn't have had a chance to say anything to him. And sitting next to Minerva . . . she had simply traded places with Albus. She was friends with Minerva. And it was more discreet than sitting beside him. At a near-empty table, who would choose to sit next to him, after all? And they had sat beside each other at meals several times recently. It might look suspicious if she chose to sit beside him again when she didn't have to. He didn't respond when Vector took her seat and greeted him, barely noticing her.

Despite what Severus told himself, he knew that he didn't believe it. Poppy had deliberately chosen not to sit next to him despite the opportunity to do so. It would not have been suspicious. No one would notice. It was just a meal. A meal which no longer appealed to him. He set down his fork, finished his glass of water, and stood. He saw Minerva turning toward him, but before she could say anything to him, he walked quickly away, down his side of the table so that he wouldn't have to pass Poppy. She didn't care about him, anyway. She didn't care and he didn't care that she didn't care. It had been foolish of him to look forward to seeing her. He was the fool, as always.

Severus didn't look back, striding through the Great Hall, his teaching robes billowing behind him, his back straight. If he had looked back, he would have seen Albus watching him, a peculiar and unreadable expression on his face.

NEXT

Chapter Fifty-Six: Out-of-Sorts

Monday, 15 March – Tuesday, 16 March 1999

Severus's temper gets the better of him, and he reacts in a way he comes to regret. He ends the day with a visit to Arthur Weasley at the Burrow, where he is taken aback by what he encounters. Later, Severus tries to make amends.

Rated M.

Characters: Severus Snape, Arthur Weasley, Poppy Pomfrey