Chapter Forty-Two: Confessions

Warning for some sexually explicit language and some very mild slashiness.

Chapter Forty-Two: Confessions

Tuesday, 9 March 1999

Severus Disapparated as soon as the gate closed behind him. Now that he was going to see Gareth, he'd almost forgotten why he wanted to see him. He had no time to stop in the dungeons and leave his teaching robe, but the night air was chilly, and the robe added another layer of coverage for his erection, as well. It might have subsided more by the time he reached the gates, but he passed Cahill on the stairs, and that reminded him of bringing Poppy to ecstasy and knowing that Cahill would only bore her. As he passed others, he couldn't help but feel slightly smug that no one knew that he had just left the Hogwarts matron sated and yet still wanting more. On his walk down to the gates, he tried to think of precisely why he wanted to see Gareth, and he remembered thinking that Gareth might know some good sex charms that he could use with her and practise with him. The result was that when he Disapparated, he still had an erection.

Gareth turned at the sound of Severus's Apparition. It was drizzling, and Gareth's hair was damp, though it looked as though he'd cast an Impervius after waiting a while and getting wet.

"Hey, Snape! Thought you'd stood me up," Gareth said.

"Sorry. I was distracted," Severus replied. "Let's get inside."

He turned on a small lamp in the living room, cast a warming charm on the room, and began to take off his teaching robe. Gareth flung his short cloak over the back of a chair.

"What did you need to see me about?" Gareth asked. "It sounded urgent."

"I thought it was at the time. I don't know as I would describe it that way now, but I do still want to talk to you." He looked at Gareth and stepped toward him, unbuttoning his frockcoat. "I have made my life more complicated. Again, because of you...or what happened between us."

"Hold up there, Snape...I told you that if I had made things harder for you, I was sorry. I don't want to wreck our friendship over it."

Severus ignored Gareth's protest. "What would you say if I told you that I spent the night with someone last night? The entire night?"

"I don't know...I know it wasn't Hermione, and it wasn't me, so I would be surprised. Are you saying you did?" Gareth had the beginnings of a smile.

"Oh, yes, I certainly did. And I just came from her. A most attractive and passionate witch. That's why I was distracted, McGonagall."

"You move fast. I wouldn't have expected that." Gareth looked at him with some puzzlement. "But it's good ... I think."

"And it's your fault, McGonagall," Severus said in a low voice, "for mentioning Poppy and comparing her to your lover."

"Poppy? Poppy Pomfrey? You were with her?" At Severus's nod, Gareth said, "Now that does stun me. I didn't even know you liked her, let alone found her attractive."

"I do like her, of course I do. You should know that. But I hadn't really noticed how very attractive she is. Once you mentioned it, I kept thinking about her, then when I had to see her yesterday evening ... I seduced her."

"You ... you seduced Poppy? If I'd only known it was that easy! But she sees me as Gertrude's son and Murdoch and Minerva's nephew," he said with a sigh, then he looked at him sharply. "I hope that you were good to her."

Severus didn't take offense, but felt himself smirking. "Oh, I would say that I was very good to her, and I think she would, too. Do you think I would have just come from her if she didn't think so? I did only make her come twice tonight, though, which is why I was late ... and why I am still ... somewhat excited. I was concentrating on her pleasure."

Severus had opened his frockcoat. He took it off and tossed it on top of his teaching robe. Gareth's eye caught sight of the bulge in front of Severus's trousers. Instead of remarking on that, though, he said, "No waistcoat today, Snape. You must have felt positively underdressed!"

"No time this morning. I was in a hurry after making love to her." Severus couldn't suppress his smile this time. "She came six times, Gareth, and that was just in the morning. You were right about oral pleasure, too. She loved that, and I found it wasn't bad at all. It was arousing to see how excited I could make her. I wouldn't have tried that if you hadn't talked to me about it...and I took your advice on how to start."

Gareth sat down in the same wooden chair he had on Sunday. "Did I create a monster?" he said with a laugh.

"It was really good. I could hardly believe that she would want to be with me, and I was a little nervous, but after we made love, she even wanted to stay the night."

"Poppy stayed with you. Overnight. In your rooms." Gareth still seemed stunned.

Severus nodded. "I had flirted with her when I went to see her about some school business. She invited me in for tea, and I thought I would just try to flirt a little. By the time I left her, I was so aroused myself, it was embarrassing."

Gareth laughed. "Flirting isn't supposed to be quite that intense, mate."

"Yes, I know that," Severus said. "I became encouraged by her reaction, I suppose. But I had scarcely reached my room and was about to take care of my problem, when she was at my door. We talked and decided to have sex."

"You just ... talked ... and decided to have sex?" Gareth asked, his perplexity showing on his face.

"Essentially. We agreed it would be just the one night, though."

"Just the one night, but you just came from her, and with quite the stiffy, too."

"We actually had sex in her rooms before dinner, too. We didn't intend to."

"I have unleashed a monster on the witches of Britain!" Gareth laughed.

"Not on all witches. I have no desire to begin flirting with just any witch," Severus replied quite seriously.

Gareth chuckled and shook his head. "So ... why did you want to see me? Just to tell me you'd gone to bed with a witch I had a crush on when I was ten?"

"You had a crush on her when you were ten?" It was Severus's turn to be surprised.

"Yeah, and again when I was twenty." He gave a quick grin. "I don't think I've outgrown the second one yet."

"I did want to tell you, but also ... I feel guilty. I don't and I do. I don't regret it, not really. But now I think about Hermione, and I think that I shouldn't have done it. And then, as soon as I think that, I think that it was actually a very good thing and that there was nothing wrong with it. I am very confused. I also was wondering..." Severus hesitated.

"What? Spit it out, Snape."

"I just was thinking about charms and spells and wondering if you knew any good ones."

"I know a lot of charms and spells, Snape...are you talking about sex charms?"

Severus nodded. "I only remember one, and it was very unpleasant." He sat on the couch. He looked down at his hands folded in front of him. "I don't tell people about this, McGonagall, but right after I became a Death Eater, I had a sexual relationship with one. She was sadistic. She was a true sexual sadist. No playacting with her. No safe words. No limits. No boundaries. I was young. I thought that having rough sex meant that I was a true Death Eater. But this wasn't even rough sex. And I wasn't really the one having the sex. She was having sex; I was just there for her pleasure. She used to like to watch wizards buggering whilst she was fucking me. She had two favourites, brothers, and she'd have them take turns buggering some young Death Eater, and doing ... doing other things to him and to each other, and if the one being fucked cried from pain, it excited her. The things they'd do ..." Severus shook his head with a shudder. "I left her because I didn't want to be buggered whilst fucking her. She did worse things to me, I suppose, and I'd seen her do even worse to others, but that was what made me refuse to continue with her. One of the things she used to like to do was restrain me and use a charm that would maintain my erection and not allow me to come, and it hurt, a burning and slicing pain like hot razor blades. The longer the spell was on, the more it hurt, and she would be fucking me the entire time. The more pain she caused me, the more excited she became. I know there are other spells that are good, though, and I would like to be able to please Poppy...well, not necessarily Poppy, but a witch...and I would like to know some nice charms to enhance the sex for her but without hurting me."

"Oh, Severus." Gareth's face was writ with pain. He got up from his chair and knelt in front of Severus, placing his hands on the other wizard's knees. "I am sorry. And I am very sorry if what we did together reminded you of that."

"It did at first, but it was nothing like it. And you didn't force me, or even make it difficult for me to refuse you if I had wanted. I told you Sunday night how I felt about you, and I meant that," Severus said softly.

"I care about you, Snape. And I will admit to being strangely attracted to you even that first day we met, even though I hated you then. Those eyes of yours ... But I would never, never have done anything sexual with you if I had known you had had such an experience. Especially with the wizards." Gareth's eyes filled with tears. "I am so sorry."

"Please don't feel that way. With you, it was good. It was nothing like with her. It made me feel differently about myself and about sex." Severus reached out and touched Gareth's face. "Don't. I didn't tell you in order to make you cry." He gave a small smile. "I don't usually manage to make Ravenclaws cry. I'll make you cry some other time. And I don't want to talk about it. It was a long time ago. Another lifetime. I just wanted to explain why I don't know any appropriate charms."

Gareth laughed shortly, rubbed his eyes, and sat back on his heels. "I know a few, and there are two that you might like to use with witches. One of them does help you last longer, but it just causes your orgasm to be withheld briefly and your arousal to be slightly diminished, and then your arousal will grow again and you can come unless you cast the spell again. It can be slightly uncomfortable only because if you're very aroused and you cast it too close to when you're about to orgasm, the stimulation and the ... the frustration, I suppose, can be a little uncomfortable, but it isn't what I would call painful. The other one is difficult to learn, but is much, much better. I'll give you a copy of it."

"A copy?"

"When I was going through some of my father's things about ten years ago, I came across a notebook with a loose parchment in it. It had the spell and directions for forming the intent and casting it. I don't like to think of my parents having sex, but apparently it was something of his." Gareth blushed. "And I should not tell you this, but you will not believe whose handwriting the spell was in."

"Your mother's?" Severus asked, not having any idea.

"No. A wizard's." When Severus looked at him blankly, Gareth whispered, "Uncle Albus's! I couldn't believe it. If there was anything more bizarre than thinking about my parents having sex...and it was clear they were very physically affectionate with each other, so I could accept that even if I didn't want to think about it...it was the thought of Uncle Albus, well, using that spell with someone, even Aunt Minerva. I thought they just had a nice, sweet platonic marriage, I guess. Naive of me, but true."

Severus actually laughed. "I might not have thought of Dumbledore using some kind of spell...or sharing it with someone, since I can't imagine him having that kind of discussion with a wizard...but I never thought that he and Minerva were in a platonic relationship."

"Go ahead, laugh, Snape," Gareth said with mock irritation, rocking back on his heels. "Make fun of my childhood idealisations."

"So what does this spell do that it requires such a lengthy description?"

"You can come repeatedly without ejaculating or losing your erection. It wears off after a couple hours, but it is good. I like it especially when I'm with a witch."

"That does sound very good. Why don't you use it all the time?"

Gareth shrugged. "Most of the time I like it just natural, and I usually like my sex with men to be fairly quick...quicker, anyway, than what we did...and I also don't want to teach other wizards how to do it. I like having it be my secret, I suppose. And it does seem to feel better when you don't use it every time. But when I've been in a longer relationship with a witch, I've used it fairly frequently."

"Thank you for sharing it with me," Severus said.

"You know, Snape," Gareth said, running his hands up Severus's legs, "you were pretty aroused when you arrived, and all this talk about sex is beginning to have an effect on me. Have you worn yourself out today?"

"What did you have in mind, McGonagall?" Severus asked, his voice low.

"I thought that if the starving man was still feeling peckish even after his feast, I might be able to help." Gareth's hand went to the front of his trousers. "And, of course, I might also enjoy it."

"Upstairs," Severus said softly.

"Can I see you first?" Gareth looked up at him. "I'd really like to ..."

"What do you want? This?" Severus quickly unbuttoned his trousers.

Gareth reached out and rubbed his penis through his pants. It wasn't as big as it had been, but it reacted to his touch. He smiled, his lips parted, as he pulled the front of Severus's pants down and his cock popped out. Severus just sat and watched Gareth stroke his penis and fondle the head of his cock.

"Did she like it, Snape?" Gareth whispered. "Did she like your cock?"

"She did. She was very appreciative."

"I bet she liked it so much, she sucked you," Gareth said, "because I want to."

"Kiss it first," Severus said softly.

Gareth approached Severus's erection and gently kissed the head, but he didn't stop there. He kissed down his shaft and then licked back up again. Severus closed his eyes as Gareth circled the head of his cock with his tongue then kissed it again.

Gareth looked up. "Let's go upstairs."

"Get undressed first. I want to know that you desire me," Severus said.

"Where is the wizard who didn't want me to touch him on Saturday?" Gareth asked.

"He's still here. He just wants the rest of the world not to touch him. He has simply made a few exceptions to that. You're one of them, McGonagall."

Gareth stood and pulled his shirt off over his head before sitting down and removing his short boots and socks, then he stood again and took off his sporran and put it on the chair behind him. His erection poked at his kilt.

"Take off the kilt, too," Severus directed.

Gareth unfastened the buckles and draped the kilt on the back of the chair.

Severus looked him up and down. "I don't know why you would want to be with me, McGonagall. I am not attracted to men, but I can tell an attractive man when I see one. You are what one witch of my acquaintance would call 'sex-on-legs.' You could be with anyone. Witches must respond to you very readily, and men, too, if they are into that sort of thing."

"You aren't bad yourself, Snape. And different people have different things that they find attractive. As odd as it may seem to both of us, not every witch finds me attractive," Gareth said with a grin.

"I would love to look like you. If I had looked like you, I think my life would have been much easier," Severus said, admiring the other wizard's long legs, slim hips, broad shoulders, strong chest, curly hair, and seemingly perfect facial features.

"Do you really think that my appearance saved me from the pains of life? Losing my father, having my mother maimed, having to go live with my brother and his wife in a strange country, having a constant sense of displacement for most of my adolescence and even as an adult?"

"No, no, I suppose it didn't," Severus said softly. "But people look at you and are inclined to like you even before they know you, I'm sure, at least most of the time. I was an ugly child and I didn't improve as an adult. People would look at me and immediately have disdain for me. I didn't care, but it might have been easier if I hadn't been ugly."

"Severus, you are not ugly. You are not conventionally handsome, but you are not ugly. I think sometimes, you do look ugly. I have seen some scowls on your face that would shatter a mirror. And when you're bitter or angry, it shows on your face, and with your sharp features, the expression is exaggerated. You can look pretty frightening when you're angry, too. I think you actually like that sometimes, but it certainly won't win you any beauty contests. I think you have some very nice features, and I think you are actually quite good-looking in an unconventional way."

Severus snorted. "Like a bulldog is so ugly it's cute? I don't think so."

"No, you aren't cute." Gareth grinned. "Sometimes you can be quite cute without meaning to be, but when describing your appearance, that's not the first word that springs to mind. Your eyes are your best feature, especially on those occasions when you manage to smile. You also have rather nice hair now that you aren't pouring Shed-Stop Potion on it every day. You could update the style, though. You have had that haircut since you were a teenager. You're stuck in the past. And you have an interesting face. Good cheekbones, a strong jaw. Your nose has character."

"Your nose is perfect, McGonagall. Somehow, hearing someone with a perfect nose tell me that mine has character doesn't mean very much."

Gareth shrugged. "You're also very sexy, Snape. Poppy wouldn't have come down to you in your rooms if you weren't. And don't tell me that there's something wrong with her, because I won't hear it."

"She did say that it had been a while since she'd been with a man. Maybe she was desperate," Severus said.

"Lovely, Snape. You come here in a good mood...or what passes for a good mood for you...telling me how you seduced Poppy and that you made her feel very good, and now you've talked yourself into a bad mood. You have a talent for that."

"Life is filled with disappointments and betrayals. Tomorrow, she's likely to wake up and regret it all."

"Look, do you think that she would have just jumped into bed with any wizard who flirted with her? If you do, then you don't know Poppy Pomfrey very well. And if she wakes up tomorrow and regrets it, it will only be because you do something between now and then to make her regret it. Face it, Snape. Sometimes in life, good things do happen, often when we don't expect it. Now, are we going upstairs, or should I get dressed again?"

Severus sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry," he said grudgingly. He rubbed his eyes. "Do you mind if we go upstairs but don't do very much? I am tired."

"We don't have to go upstairs at all."

"No, I want to. But we can't stay long."

"You know, Severus," Gareth said, walking toward him, "we could just stay down here. I would like to get those trousers off you, though. Do you ever just wear robes and no trousers?"

"Almost never. Only if I have to. And I still wear underpants with them. I occasionally wear a light robe under my teaching robe rather than a jacket and waistcoat, though." Severus stood up and pushed his braces off.

"Too bad." Gareth pushed Severus's trousers and pants down, coming to his knees in front of him.

Severus closed his eyes as Gareth began to pleasure his cock with his mouth and hands. It was pleasant, but Severus didn't feel as though he would come. After going at it energetically for a while, Gareth stood. He put his arms around Severus, then he whispered in his ear.

"Would you like to fuck me again, Snape?"

Severus thought for a moment. "No, no, not tonight, Gareth." He put one arm loosely around the younger wizard and thought for a moment. "I don't like the idea that I led you on and you're unsatisfied, though."

"It's all right, Snape. If I had just spent hours with a very sexy witch satisfying her needs, I don't know as I'd want anything else, either."

"Can I ... I don't want to do what you just did. Not exactly. But I want to know what it's like to do it."

"I thought it disgusted you?"

"It does disgust me. But you're different. And I don't want to do it. I just want to try it." Poppy had done it for him; he wanted to know what it felt like.

"Sort of an experiment, eh? Well, that's all right. You can. And I won't be offended if you still find it disgusting."

"Could you sit down on the couch?"

Gareth looked at the stained couch, but nodded and sat.

Severus sat down beside him and touched Gareth's cock. "Lean back a little. And don't look."

Gareth leaned back and put his head back. "I'll close my eyes."

Gareth felt Severus's hand around him, then his breath met the tip of his penis. A few heartbeats later, he felt Severus's lips brush over the head. He tried to maintain a slow and even breathing, but his breath hitched slightly when he felt Severus's tongue on the head of his penis, first just a tentative touch, then a quick lick. Gareth thought Severus had finished his experiment, but then his tongue circled his crown. Severus's hand moved down Gareth's shaft, and his tongue followed it. There was another pause, and he felt Severus lower his mouth over him, taking his cock into his mouth. He felt Severus gag, and Gareth almost raised his head and said something, but then Severus paused, his mouth still around him. He felt him take a breath and swallow, and then he lowered his head more, taking in almost all of Gareth's cock, the head of his cock in his throat. Gareth gasped, then held himself still as he felt Severus swallowing around him. Severus raised his head, and again, Gareth thought he had finished, but Severus went down on him again, and then once more. Finally, he pulled up off of him and sat back.

"Sorry. I couldn't do more," Severus said.

"I didn't expect that much," Gareth replied, opening his eyes.

"It wasn't so much that it was disgusting...though I'd never do it to anyone else and I don't see the appeal...but it was actually difficult. I didn't realise." He thought fleetingly of the prostitutes whose heads he had forced lower and how he had tried to control their movements. He had been as bad as Bella, in a way. They were getting paid, and he hadn't tried to cause them pain, but still ...

"It's getting late, Snape. I need to get going."

"So do I."

They both redressed. "Gareth?"

"Mm?"

"What am I going to do about Hermione?"

"What do you mean?"

"I think I'm in love with her, but ... it doesn't feel right to be dating her. I thought that everything else felt wrong...being with you, sleeping with Poppy, even flirting with Poppy...because dating Hermione was the right thing. Now I think that the timing is all wrong. If I hadn't asked Hermione on a date, nothing else would feel wrong. Well, knowing me, something would, but not the same way. I just feel that it was too soon. I think I should have waited longer before asking Hermione for a date. I hadn't even intended to ask her on one, either; it just happened."

"I can't answer that for you, Snape, but if you think you're in love with her, it seems reasonable to want to go out with her. You just have to figure that out for yourself. You might want to talk to her about it. Have an honest talk. You don't have to tell her that you've been having sex with other people...I would advise against that...but you could tell her how you feel and that it may be too soon for you to date. Tell her you need to learn more about yourself first. You haven't had a normal life. You deserve to have some fun and some pleasure and discover what you like and what makes you happy...and that may come from dating Hermione, but it might not, not yet, anyway."

"But I don't want to lose her."

"You want to have your cake and eat it too, as they say. Don't hold on to her just so that you don't lose her but all the while behaving just as you would if you weren't dating her. I don't think that you've done anything wrong yet, but if you keep seeing Hermione and your relationship develops, you can't continue having sex with other people. That is, I suppose you could, but I doubt very much that Hermione would like that and I think that you would feel guilty about it. And if you keep seeing Hermione, I wouldn't feel right about having sex with you, either. Either date her or don't date her, but don't try to have it both ways."

"I don't know what to do," Severus said glumly.

"And I can't tell you. You should talk to Hermione, Severus. It involves her."

"I don't want to hurt her and have her feel rejected."

"If you go about it in the right way, she may be a little hurt, but she doesn't need to feel rejected. I think she'd rather you be honest with her. And if you remain friends, you could still have an opportunity with her later."

"Or we could remain friends and I could be an usher at her wedding."

"But if you date her when you're so confused, you could do something to really damage your relationship with her...your friendship, too...even if you weren't interested in sleeping with anyone else. That would surely be worse."

"I thought of that, too." Severus turned off the light and opened the front door. "Thanks, McGonagall. I wish you could tell me exactly what to do, but talking to you helped."

"You know, there is an upside to this."

Severus locked the door. "What's that?"

"Poppy. You can still see her."

"I don't think so. I'd like to, but we agreed it was just a one-time thing."

"And then you had a before-dinner appetiser in her rooms and some dessert in her office. Don't count it out, mate," Gareth said with a grin. "I'll make a copy of that spell for you. I can send it to you with Wol."

"No, not by owl. In person," Severus said.

"Thursday, then? My mother is going to the estate for dinner and is staying overnight, and Hermione will be at her class. Just come down any time in the evening."

Severus nodded. "I'll owl you if I can't make it."

"'Night, Snape."

"McGonagall."

Severus Disapparated.

NEXT

Chapter Forty-Three: Distractions

Tuesday, 9 March 1999

Poppy and Severus both find themselves distracted. Severus learns more about Poppy.

Rated MA.

Characters: Severus Snape, Poppy Pomfrey

Author's Note: FYI, if you're wondering about Gareth's age relative to Severus's, Gareth was born 24 September 1964. (Severus was born 9 January 1960.) Tarrant McPherson, Gareth's friend whom we met in Chapter Five, "Alternative Treatment," was born 29 August 1965.