Chapter Thirty-Six: A Darkly Smouldering Magnetism

Chapter Thirty-Six: A Darkly Smouldering Magnetism

Monday, 8 March 1999

Monday morning at breakfast, a Horned Owl delivered Severus a letter in a familiar square envelope with familiar, precise hand-writing on it. He wanted to open it and read it immediately, but as always, he slipped it beneath his teaching robe and into his frockcoat pocket. If he had no time to read it before his first class, he would read it before lunch.

When his last morning class left the Potions classroom, he closed and warded the door behind them, drew the envelope from his pocket, slit it open with a whispered spell, and slid Hermione's letter out. Short, shorter than usual, anyway, but she thanked him for dinner on Saturday, told him about her afternoon with her parents the day before, and said that she was looking forward to their date on Friday. Severus wrote a quick reply to thank her for her note and say that he was looking forward to dinner on Friday, as well. He did not use the word "date," but he hoped that his response was sufficient to let her know that it was important to him, too. He was late to lunch after having to go all of the way to the Owlery from the dungeons and then back to the Great Hall, but he also managed to avoid having to engage in idle chit-chat with anyone, so that was fine with him.

That afternoon as the students were brewing their potions, he tried to read the student essays he had neglected over the weekend, but his concentration was torn in too many directions. In addition to first Hermione and then Gareth invading his thoughts, he had to keep an eye on the dunderheads to make sure they didn't blow anything up or poison the class with deadly fumes...he had to send Gwendolyn Cheever and Philip Hargraves to the Hospital Wing after Hargraves dropped scarab beetle wings into their potion instead of dragonfly wings. He had been able to contain the fumes and banish them, but not before the two had inhaled it. He dismissed the class and had two other students escort them to the infirmary.

By the time his last class filed out, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws both unhappy by the number of points taken, Severus was in a foul mood. He slammed down to his quarters to find Headache Potion only to discover he had none, so he grabbed a vial of a general analgesic that he had remaining from his days as a spy and took a gulp of it, not bothering to measure. Closing his eyes, he settled back into his wingback chair and put his feet up.

Severus jerked awake. Oh, gods, he was late for dinner, and he was on the schedule to attend. He swept out of his rooms and up the stairs, then strode through the Great Hall toward the staff table. His usual seat was taken, and everyone had shifted. Albus again. He was constantly moving around lately, and everyone simply shifted cheerfully. Or not so cheerfully, in his case. Because he hadn't been there, the only seat now available was between Flitwick and the Divination teacher, Professor Sarah Duffy. She was not as annoying as Sybill Trelawney had been, and she wasn't a lush, but she was still unrelentingly cheerful. He couldn't imagine how anyone with any true gift for divination could be that cheerful, given how nasty life was and how many horrific things there were to foresee. No wonder Trelawney drank, Severus thought. Maybe this one did potions. He looked over at her discreetly as he took a sip of water, trying to see her eyes. Duffy glanced over and saw him looking at her. She smiled. Severus did not return her smile, but took the opportunity to look into her eyes. No unusual dilation, constriction, or glassiness. The whites were bright, not dull or yellow. But not all potions affected the eyes. She was beginning to flush, though. Perhaps she was on some kind of mood elevator.

"Did you have a good day, Severus?" she asked brightly.

"No." He looked away and began to eat his mashed potatoes. He had never invited the witch to address him by his first name, she simply did. It was bothersome.

"I'm sorry to hear that. But Mondays can be like that."

"Any day can be like that," Severus said.

"Of course." Duffy took a bite of her egg dish. She didn't eat meat. Another odd thing about the witch.

Severus hoped she would start speaking to Professor Cahill on her right, but he had no such luck.

"Perhaps your evening will be better," she said.

"Perhaps."

"Some pleasant company might help."

"Hmmph," Severus said, his mouth mercifully occupied with his roast beef.

"Would you like to come by later? I have some nice wine. I could open that, and we could just spend a little pleasant time together away from the students."

Severus stopped eating and looked over at her. "You are inviting me to join you in your rooms for a drink?"

"Well, yes, I suppose. Just . . . casually," Duffy said, blushing.

"No, thank you." Severus suppressed a sneer. After having taught at Hogwarts for more than six months, Duffy should have noticed that he was not the sort whom people invited to their rooms for a drink.

"It was just an idea."

"I have a meeting this evening with the Headmistress," Severus said. He wanted to discourage her, not alienate her completely. He was no longer a spy, he reminded himself. If he had cared to accept her invitation, there would have been no reason not to, and no reason to suspect her of spying on him, either.

"I see. Perhaps some other time?" Her voice seemed to crack nervously.

Severus gave a nod. "Perhaps."

That seemed to please Professor Duffy, and a few minutes later, she rose from the table and excused herself, taking particular leave of Severus. He nodded at her.

After she had left, Filius leaned over toward him. "You know, Severus, you shouldn't go about staring into a witch's eyes like that. You could give her the wrong impression."

"What? I didn't...oh, that. I wondered if she takes potions, she's so infernally cheerful all of the time. I was just checking her pupils, not attempting Legilimency."

Filius chuckled. "That was not what I meant. I think she thought you were flirting with her."

Severus gave a snort. "That is absurd. I have given no indication that she is any more than a colleague."

"Still, watch how you look at a witch unless you want to have her become more friendly," Filius said cheerfully as he took a bite of trifle.

"Or slap me, I suppose," Severus said with a sneer. "Although she'd be unlikely to do that at dinner in the Great Hall."

"Or you might have someone else hex you...I don't know as I'd want you staring into Pomona's eyes like that," Filius said, a twinkle in his own eyes. "She thinks you have a...what was it she called it? A darkly smouldering magnetism, I think she called it."

"I do not find that amusing, Flitwick," Severus said stiffly.

"I am quite serious...well, not about hexing you, and I think that Pomona is relatively flirtation-proof at the moment, but she did say that about you. Just in a general, admiring sort of way, though."

"Really?"

"Mmhm...just a couple weeks ago, in fact." Filius smiled up at him. "And I agree with her. Peacetime suits you, Severus."

Severus had nothing to say about that. He looked at his trifle. He disliked trifle. He sighed and looked out at the Hall full of students and wondered when they would finally finish feeding their faces and leave.

"You're on duty tonight, Severus?" Filius asked, noticing the scowl on Snape's face and the fact that he hadn't left the table as soon as he finished eating.

Severus nodded. He did still have several meals a month when he scheduled himself for mandatory attendance. It didn't seem quite fair to trade all of them with Albus. Besides, he didn't want so much curfew patrol now that his life wasn't dominated by a madman and he could actually relax.

"I'm not, and I'd be happy to stay for you," Filius offered, "in case you would like to change your mind and join Sarah for that drink."

"I do have a meeting with Professor McGonagall later," Severus said. He looked over toward Minerva, who was talking with Poppy.

"I thought I'd offer, since Pomona has to stay tonight."

Severus hadn't thought about that when he had drawn up the schedule, though he knew that Flitwick and Sprout were in some sort of intimate relationship.

"Would you like it if I scheduled you for the same meals in the future?" It would be an easy enough change to make.

Filius smiled. "That would be very good of you, Severus. We didn't want to ask and seem to be requesting a special favour."

Severus shrugged. "It makes no difference. I will be distributing the April schedule next week. I'll put in the change before I do that."

"One other thing, Severus," Flitwick said tentatively.

"Yes?"

"Would it be possible to get the schedules further in advance? It's difficult to make plans when we get them only two or three weeks ahead."

"Further in advance?" Severus thought. "Yes. I could do quarterly schedules rather than monthly ones, if that would help." Minerva had always done monthly schedules, so that was what he had done. Of course, she distributed them a full month in advance. He hated drawing up the schedules and found himself putting it off. He rarely had plans and it didn't occur to him that two weeks' notice might be insufficient. And, of course, the meal shifts were new, a way of giving staff more flexibility whilst still ensuring that there would be enough staff present at each meal.

"That would be useful," Filius said happily. "Last month, Pomona and I had a hard time trading shifts with people so that we could attend my great-great-niece's christening and still not have our other plans disrupted."

He had heard nothing about that. "You didn't ask me."

"We didn't want to impose on you."

"You didn't want to impose on the ex-Death Eater," Severus said sharply.

"You are right. We did not. You have earned it after all those years when you had no time of your own. I don't think anyone would blame you if you took yourself off the schedule altogether for a while, or at least gave yourself lighter duties."

"Oh." Severus thought about that. He still wasn't used to the notion that people might have some sympathy for him, sympathy tinged with gratitude and not merely pity or distaste. He looked over at Flitwick, who was sipping a cup of herbal tea. "I wouldn't mind being asked next time."

Filius smiled broadly. "I will remember that!"

An hour later in the Headmistress's Office, after they had finished their other business, he told Minerva about his plan to draw up the schedules on a quarterly basis rather than monthly.

Minerva nodded. "That sounds fine. If there are changes that need to be made to the schedule, revised schedules can be distributed at a staff meeting, and if there are new conflicts, we can take care of them then."

"I will distribute the April, May, and June schedules at the staff meeting next week, then," Severus said, "and announce the plan to provide quarterly schedules from now on." He didn't like this aspect of being Deputy Headmaster, but it was better than a Cruciatus from the Dark Lord.

"How have you been, Severus?" Minerva asked. "I haven't seen much of you lately."

"I attend to my duties," Severus replied stiffly.

"I didn't intend to imply you did not," Minerva said. "I was merely making a remark."

"I have been fine."

"Getting away from Hogwarts occasionally, I presume."

Severus nodded.

"That's good. How is Miss Granger?"

"She is fine. You could ask your nephew," Severus said.

Minerva smiled. "I'm glad that you and she were able to maintain a friendship beyond your work together last year."

Severus didn't know how to respond to that. He twitched one shoulder.

"Did you see her yesterday?"

Obviously, Albus hadn't spoken to her about him last night. "No. She has Sunday dinner with her parents twice a month. She spent the day with them."

"Oh, I had noticed you were gone, so I simply thought you might be seeing her."

"I do have other friends," Severus said, though at the moment, he couldn't think of any others but Gareth.

"It is good to see," Minerva said with a smile. "Gareth, I know, seems to like spending time with you. I have to say that I couldn't have predicted you two would become friends, but it's nice."

"He is less irritating than most people," Severus said, feeling slightly guilty, as though he was betraying Gareth's friendship by not acknowledging it, but Minerva just chuckled.

"I find him rather annoying myself at times," she said.

"He can be annoying, but in an entertaining way," Severus acknowledged.

"As long as he entertains you," Minerva said, her eyes sparkling with humour.

Severus looked away, struggling to Occlude, fighting his embarrassment. Minerva could not possibly know what they had done together. She meant it only in a general way, he was sure. He was reminded again about all of his concerns about Hermione and Gareth.

"Minerva . . ."

"Yes?"

Severus shifted in his chair. What did he want to ask her?

"You know that I haven't had very much experience in relationships. Even my friendships over the years weren't genuine, but were with other Death Eaters...other than my friendship with you, of course," he added hastily.

"I know. That is why I am pleased to see you having something more of a life, Severus. I did have some fear that you would either fall into old habits here at Hogwarts, or that you wouldn't return to teaching and would lock yourself away somewhere and let yourself rot. I am very glad that didn't happen."

Severus nodded. "But I don't always know...this sounds completely absurd to you, I'm sure...but I don't always know what to do, or how I even feel, and I do the wrong thing all of the time. Even with Hermione . . . I don't think I am capable of friendships or anything more."

"I think you're capable of being a very good friend, Severus, although I'm not surprised that you don't always feel comfortable or confident. Just take things slowly."

Severus wondered how much he could say to Minerva. She knew him as well as anyone, or better.

"What would you think if I wanted to begin dating someone?" he asked.

"I think that would be a very nice thing. I would worry that you would do something to sabotage it, since you do have a tendency to do that to yourself, but I would still be pleased."

"Even if it were with a former student?"

"Miss Granger, you mean? I think that would be fine. It's obvious that she is fond of you and you've been seeing each other for a while. I wasn't even certain that you weren't dating her."

"You thought we might be in that kind of relationship?"

"I thought it was a possibility, given the apparent bond between the two of you," Minerva replied.

"Oh." He thought a moment. "I might hurt her. I am afraid of hurting her."

Minerva smiled. "More afraid of hurting her than being hurt yourself?"

"I don't know as I'd say that, but it worries me more."

"There's always the possibility that we could hurt someone we're in a relationship with...whether it's a romantic relationship or just a friendship. We simply try not to, but sometimes it happens anyway. And then we do what we can to make amends."

"And what about..." Severus stopped himself.

"What about what?"

Severus could feel himself beginning to flush. "Pleasing her. Intimately."

"I am sure you could, if you were both interested in that," Minerva said practically.

Severus grimaced. "I shouldn't ask this, or even bring it up obliquely, but I remember the time when I was affected by the Adfectus curse. I was far from a suave and polished lover."

"You were also not yourself, Severus. By the time we released the curse, your judgment and your emotional control were quite strongly affected. I think that when you can focus on the person you are with, when you are fully yourself, you will be able to bring some of your polish to that, just as you do other areas of your life."

Severus shook his head slightly, unsure of what to think of what Minerva just said. "Was I completely inept?" he finally asked, embarrassed, but needing to know.

"No, far from it. Considering my own situation and the fact that I didn't think that I was capable any longer of being receptive to anyone's touch but Albus's, I can say that you were not completely inept...I would not have described you as inept at all. Somewhat inexperienced, perhaps, but I didn't think that had a negative effect on your abilities. You were very sweet, you put effort into pleasing me, and you learned quickly. It will be different for you, both when you are unaffected by the curse and when you are with someone whom you care about, someone who chooses to be with you."

"I am still sorry about that, Minerva. I know you never would have chosen anything like that with me."

"Better you than some others it could have been," Minerva said.

Severus smirked. "At the time, Albus said he was grateful that it hadn't been someone like Mundungus."

Minerva chuckled. "Yes, that would have been difficult to bear, and difficult for me to muster any warm feelings toward him. I did want you to feel loved, you know, Severus, not merely . . . tolerated. It was one reason it took me so long to do it...I didn't want to simply have it over with. It was a complicated situation. But that wasn't what I'd meant, actually...that it hadn't been someone like Mundungus, but someone else. I was thinking more of . . . of someone with whom I had a different relationship than the one I had, and now have, with you."

"How do you mean?"

"If it had been someone . . . perhaps someone from my past, or someone . . . oh, someone for whom I might have had such feelings if I had never known Albus. It might have been harder for me not to feel guilty . . . to feel as though I had indulged myself. And Albus, it was hard enough on him at that point in his life, anyway, he was under so much stress and felt so uncertain of himself...so if it had been with someone whom he thought I might actually have some romantic interest in, it would have been even more difficult for him. Then for me to remain friends with the other wizard . . . it would have been far more awkward than it was with us, Severus. I don't know if you can understand that, but it was good that it was you. I care about you, I love you, but you and I together...we are friends, and we're both happy with that."

"There are others you could have fallen in love with, wizards other than Albus?" Severus asked. Somehow over the years, he had come to think of the two as an almost inseparable unit, and it was difficult to imagine Minerva with anyone else, although he knew that when Minerva was young, she had once dated an Auror about her own age.

"Oh, yes. I think that if I had never known Albus, there might have been another wizard whom I could have loved and with whom I could have had a happy life. I don't know as I ever would have been as suited to anyone as I am to Albus, and I find that my presence in his life and his in mine has been so important and meaningful that it's difficult to imagine any other kind of life, but I have been fortunate in having known some fine wizards."

"And you were thinking of one of them in particular just now?" Severus asked, curious.

Minerva nodded. "But it is a moot subject. The Adfectus struck you, and we got through it together."

"I still am sorry. I wish I had stepped in sooner to stop Parkinson. It never would have happened if I hadn't found Hermione's predicament amusing and stopped to listen."

"It's long past, now, and you have nothing to be sorry about. In fact, as I've told you before, I am now grateful for the Adfectus, that it did, indeed, strike you and that you came to find me after," Minerva said. "If it hadn't been for the Adfectus and your coming to see me when it hit you, I doubt you ever would have told me about the Unbreakable Vow, and I am quite certain that a good many more people would be dead as a result, including Albus. So making love with you was not a bad thing. Besides, I'd like to think that we're closer friends as a result of that and everything else we've been through together. If anything, I should ask your forgiveness for the deception we created and then for treating you so coldly for so many months."

"You have apologised for that already," Severus replied.

"I know. I'm glad you seem to have forgiven us."

"Yes. I understood it, why you did it. It is no longer something that occupies my mind," Severus said. "And with all you have forgiven me, I think it would be unreasonable of me to hold a grudge."

Minerva smiled. "I suppose that is close enough to an acknowledgment of forgiveness for me to not worry about it any longer."

"It is. That is what I meant," Severus said. "I've told you before not to worry about needing my forgiveness, and that's what I meant then, as well."

"Thank you. It is good to hear you say that." She took in a deep breath and let it out. "Now, is there anything else we need to discuss? If not, Albus is waiting for me."

"I have essays to read," Severus said gloomily. "And I have to stop in the infirmary and see Poppy about two students I sent her at the end of the day. They were not at dinner."

"Have a good evening, then, Severus. I will see you tomorrow at breakfast." Minerva gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as she let him out the door.

NEXT

Chapter Thirty-Seven: An Exercise in Harmless Flirting

Monday, 8 March 1999

Severus decides to try out some harmless flirting after having been told that he has "a darkly smouldering magnetism." It doesn't go quite as planned.

Rated T.

Characters: Severus Snape, others