XXXV: The Final Farewell

Chapter XXXV: The Final Farewell

'Hush, Morgaine. Hush, beloved.'

Morgaine shot off the pillow with an outcry and at once covered her mouth with her hands. Her breath was coming in small gasps. Her heart was racing. And cold sweat was making her robes stick to her back. Her robes? Why had she been sleeping in her robes?

Startled, she looked around the dark room. Those weren't her chambers. Even in the depths of night, her chambers were never that dark. There was a big window in her bedroom, through which she could see the sun during the day and the moon and the stars at night. One of the celestial bodies always gave light. No, she could not be in her chambers. In fact, there was only one place in the castle that was so well hidden that neither rays of the sun or the moonlight ever reached it.

The dungeons!

Once more, Morgaine clasped her hands over her mouth. Why was she in the dungeons?

'Lumos.'

The croaky sound of her voice surprised her. So did the raw feeling in her throat. It felt as if she had been screaming for a long time.

She looked around the room that was now illuminated by the faint light her wand provided. She was in the dungeons indeed. This was Severus' bedchamber. It was his bed she had been lying in.

Absent-mindedly, Morgaine let her fingers trail over the black satin sheets. What was she doing down there? Why had she slept in Severus' bed? Why was she wearing her robes?

The last thing she remembered was sitting in front of the fireplace in her study. Despite it being the middle of summer, she had lit a fire in the grate. She had felt cold. And the crackling of the fire had provided her with a consoling calmness she had needed to carry out her task. But still, she had not succeeded in writing down a single word about the man for whom she was supposed to give a commemorative speech the next day. She had so much to say about Severus Snape, her best friend, her lover, her soul mate. But she had been unable to put her thoughts and feelings into words. She had not wanted to. Saying goodbye would mean accepting that he was gone.

She did not remember going to bed. She had probably fallen asleep in front of the fire. But how had she come down to the dungeons? Had she been sleepwalking? It would certainly explain why she was still wearing her robes.

Yes, sleepwalking could have been a possibility. And it wouldn't be a surprise. The last two months had been stressful. There had been so much to do after the Final Battle, wounded comrades to visit at St. Mungo's, funerals to attend, and the reconstruction of Hogwarts needed to be supervised. Minerva was doing a fabulous job with the latter, but Morgaine helped gladly. She would do anything to keep busy, anything to keep herself from thinking.

Sleep was a luxury Morgaine did not allow herself at the moment. There was too much to do to sleep, she had defended herself only a few days ago when Poppy had resolutely demanded that she slow down and take a break. But the true reason for Morgaine staying awake was that she feared sleep. For with sleep came the dreams ... and his voice.

'Hush, beloved.'

Once more, Morgaine's breathing quickened. It had been his voice that had awoken her. Severus' voice! She had heard it so many times in her dreams that she had started to believe that he was actually there, right by her side.

But he couldn't be. Severus was dead. She had seen his mangled body on the dusty floor of the Shrieking Shack. She had wrapped him up in a black shroud. And she had buried him at the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

He was dead. Gone. Forever. It was not his voice she was hearing at night.

'Nox.'

The darkness reclaimed the chamber as Morgaine stood and made her way towards the door. She had no business down there in the dungeons. When she returned to the castle in the evening, she would instruct the elves to pack up Severus' belongings and bring them to Spinner's End. What would happen with them then, she would decide upon later.

She slammed the door shut with a force that made the mirror fall of the wall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. It did not matter. It would anyway have been too dark for Morgaine to see her reflection and the tears that were hanging at her lashes.

~ ~ ~

'I'm glad you came, Morgaine.'

Molly's embrace was warm and welcoming, and Morgaine allowed herself to sink into it for a moment. Molly had always been kind to her, especially during the last year when the other Order Members had given her suspicious looks and whispered behind her back. Molly might – like everyone else – have believed that Severus Snape had murdered Albus Dumbledore in cold blood, but she had never blamed Morgaine for believing otherwise.

Arthur's handshake felt comforting as well. 'Will you be giving a speech?' he asked.

Morgaine shook her head. 'There have been enough speeches and newspaper articles. Severus would not have liked that.'

'No, he would not,' Arthur admitted. 'The article in the Prophet the other day would have made him sneer and cast Incendio on the paper.'

Morgaine smiled sadly. She had seen the headline as well: Severus Snape – Misunderstood Hero. It had made her sneer as well. And she had ripped the paper into thousands of pieces with her bare hands without even reading the article.

The mood in the Weasleys' garden was subdued, but it differed immensely from the mood at the funerals Morgaine had attended over the last two months. People had put the first shock behind them. They were still grieving, would continue doing so for a long time to come, but they were ready to take farewell and go on.

Speeches were held for all the fallen heroes. For heroes was what they all were. Moody and Dobby, Remus and Tonks, Fred and all the others who had given their lives to defeat the Dark Lord. When evening fell over the garden, Morgaine felt her heart grow heavy. None of them should have died. And she desperately hoped that they all knew that they had not died in vain, that they all knew that the Light had won.

She was just about to silently leave the garden when Harry Potter's voice made her stop at the gate.

'I think we have forgotten someone.'

Morgaine turned around to face the boy who had risen from his chair, a glass in his hand. Surely, he was going to talk about Albus Dumbledore, his mentor and the mastermind behind the plan that had brought Voldemort down.

'I would like to talk about a man without whose help I would not be standing here today, a man who has fought relentlessly for the cause and who did not deserve to die the way he did. I would like to talk about Severus Snape.'

Morgaine felt the breath hitch in her throat. She had not expected that. She had not been prepared.

'We have hated each other passionately, Severus Snape and I,' Harry went on. 'He seemed to have it in for me from the very moment he laid eyes on me. And for many years, I did not understand why. And I returned his hatred with fervour. Today, I would like to apologise for that.'

He raised his glass and toasted towards the skies.

'I had no idea that all along, you were just trying to make amends, Severus Snape. That you were just trying to help. I had no idea how much you had sacrificed, how much you had risked, how much you had suffered. But you have succeeded. With your dying breath you gave me the tools I needed to carry out my task. Without you, I would not have made it. And none of us would be here today. To Severus Snape.'

The toast echoed around the table as everyone raised their glass to honour the dark wizard none of them had ever truly known. Everyone except Morgaine. She had sunken to her knees by the garden gate and was silently crying the tears she had been holding back for two long months.

~ ~ ~

The air smelled of hay when Morgaine hurried through the Hogwarts grounds. It was close to midnight, but the warmth of the day lingered. But still, Morgaine felt goose bumps erupt on her arms as she came closer to the castle.

Home. Hogwarts had been her home for fourteen years. Over there, on the Quidditch field, she had learned how to fly a broom. Behind Hagrid's hut, she had for the first time seen a unicorn with her own eyes. On top of the Astronomy Tower, she had learned to name the starts. In greenhouse two, she had learned to tend to the Monkhood seedlings with which Severus later brewed the potion that kept Remus from transforming. And down in the dungeons, she had learned how to love.

Once more, Morgaine felt tears well up in her eyes, but she blinked them back. She did not have the strength to cry any more. If she started crying now, she would never be able to stop again. She would cry until her body would break just like her heart had broken.

She couldn't stay. She couldn't take the risk. Every stone in the walls of Hogwarts reminded her of Severus. Every single stone was a reminder of what she had lost, of the time she had wasted and the mistakes she had made. And she could not bear it anymore.

Her belongings were packed in less than an hour. She would have them brought to Iceland the next day. Then she would also contact Minerva. The next day, not now.

Despite the warm night, Morgaine wrapped her heavy travelling cloak around her shoulders and fled the castle. She did not even consider going down to the dungeons to take farewell. She didn't have the strength to face her ghosts.

Before she Disapparated from the edge of the forbidden forest, she read for a very last time the inscription on the slab of dark granite that marked Severus Snape's grave: Never Forgotten.

A dry sob escaped Morgaine's throat, and her heart ached as if it were breaking once more. She would never forget him. But if she wanted to survive, she would have to try.

A/N:This story has really brought out the best in me. Writing it has been a wonderful experience, and I learnt a lot about myself in the process.

I would like to say thank you to a few people here: Daedalus Plumb, Apple Blossom, Memory, Trickie Woo, Iloveneville, Kyriaofdelphi and Star Girl. Your support and encouragement has meant a lot to me.

If you would like to follow Morgaine to Iceland and see how she copes with the death of her beloved Severus, read part two of this story, named Always By Your Side. There is still hope, I promise.