XXXIV: Saying Goodbye

Thanks to JKR for creating the HP universe.

Thanks to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

And thanks to you for reading.

In this chapter you will recognise passages from ‘The Silver Doe’, ‘The Sacking of Severus Snape’, ‘The Elder Wand’ and ‘The Prince’s Tale’ (DH).

Chapter XXXIV: Saying Goodbye

For the first time in the history of the school, Hogwarts castle was completely deserted over the Christmas holidays. All the students had been hurried home by their parents, and the staff had left shortly after the last student. There wasn’t a sound to be heard, and the corridors were dark and empty. And the only lighted windows were the ones in the headmaster’s office in the top of the eastern tower.

Travelling cloak in one hand and the sword of Gryffindor in the other, Severus glared at the portrait of Albus Dumbledore. The new headmaster was pale, and the line between his eyes seemed deeper than ever. He was beyond frustrated. Once more, Dumbledore had asked him to risk life and limb. And once more, the old man wouldn’t tell him what for. Why ever would Potter need the sword of Gryffindor?

But Severus had no choice. He had promised to do anything in his power to help the boy. And that evening, he had finally been given the chance to do so: only a couple of minutes ago, Phineas Nigellus had come running into his portrait, informing him of Potter whereabouts.

Severus knew very well that he would have to be careful. Under no circumstances was Potter supposed to see him. The boy hated him enough to kill him on sight without listening to any explanation. And if the Dark Lord should ever enter the boy’s mind and find Severus acting for him, everything they had worked for all those years would be lost. No, under no circumstances could he afford to be seen. But Severus had a plan.

He swung the travelling cloak around his shoulders and left the office. His footsteps echoed loudly in the eerie silence of the dark corridors, and there was no other sound, no other movement. Even the inhabitants of the portraits at the walls seemed to have deserted their frames.

All of a sudden, Severus felt strangely alone. Morgaine had been invited to spend Christmas with Tonks and Lupin, and he had told her to go. She had refused at first, but he had insisted. She had been through enough the last couple of months. It was hard on her to being caught between her loyalties towards Severus and her obligations towards the Order of the Phoenix. And although she put up a brave face, Severus knew that she was in dire need of a friend. The fact that Lupin had invited her for Christmas had proved that he had not forgotten their friendship. And Severus wasn’t sure who had been happier about that, he or Morgaine.

As Severus left the castle, he wrapped his cloak tighter around himself. A biting wind was blowing from the north, and the snow was falling heavily. So heavily that the footprints that had been visible on the ground only minutes ago were now hidden from Severus’ eyes under a coat of white snow.

Finding the clearing in the forest where the children were camping was easy enough. So was placing the sword in the frozen forest pool. Now there was the matter of making Potter find it. Severus had been over his plan an uncountable number of times, and it had always seemed foolproof. But now – as the success of Dumbledore’s plan of bringing the Dark Lord down depended on the outcome of his mission – Severus started to doubt the brilliancy of his calculations. What if Potter did not see the doe? What if he thought it was a trap and refused to follow it? What if …? Suddenly, the odds for failure seemed much greater than the odds for success, and for a moment Severus hesitated. But what other choice did he have than to try?

He did not need to say the incantation aloud, and before he knew it, his Patronus was standing in front of him, looking at him with its long-lashed eyes. Severus gazed at the silver doe for a moment and then reached out his hand as if to touch it.

‘I have failed you,’ he murmured. ‘All those years ago, I tired to protect you, but I failed. And I will never forgive myself for it. But tonight I have the chance to give your son one of the tools he needs to bring down the creature that killed you. Help me make him understand. Help me one last time.’

As if it wanted him to know that it had understood, the doe brushed its head lightly against his outstretched hand and then turned and stepped away from him. And as Severus looked after it, he felt the tears on his cheeks freeze to ice.

Those had been some of the most fearful moments in his life. It had taken Potter too long to resurface, far too long. And Severus had already been on the verge of casting all precautions to the wind and running to the boy’s rescue. Potter must not see him, Severus knew that. But risking his position as a spy was nothing compared to the horrors that awaited the Wizarding world should Harry Potter die. Thankfully, the Weasley boy had followed the doe as willingly as Potter had, and had arrived in time to save his friend from drowning. And Severus had remained hidden behind the twin oaks and watched the two boys until he had been sure that they were both well and the sword in safe hands.

Now he was making his way back through the snow-covered grounds of Hogwarts, and for the second time that evening he felt strangely alone. The doe had never returned to him. Where it had gone, Severus did not know, but deep inside his heart he knew that he would never see it again.

He was surprised to find himself in the dungeon corridor. He had not once been to his old study since his return. It wasn’t his anymore. He was the headmaster now, and his study was at the top of the eastern tower. But that night, he wanted to return home.

He never questioned why the door was ajar, but just stepped inside. There was a fire burning in the fireplace, and the comforting scent of sandalwood and honey made him aware of Morgaine's presence long before his eyes fell upon her.

She was sitting in the old armchair by the fire. Severus could see the flames reflect in her blue eyes, and for a split second he thought that he had seen another reflection, the reflection of a silver doe. But as he looked over his shoulder, all he could see was darkness.

He sank to his knees at Morgaine’s feet and buried his face in her lap. He felt her soft touch on his damp hair and shivered, wrapping his arms tight around her waist. That night, he needed her warmth more than ever before.

‘Will you always be there, Morgaine?’ he asked, his voice muffled by the velvet of her robe. ‘Will you always be by my side when I need you?’

He thought that he heard her stifle a sob, but as he raised his head to look into her eyes, he could not detect any tears.

‘Yes, Severus,’ he heard her whisper. ‘I will always be there. Just as I always have.’

When their lips met, the world around them seemed to disappear. There was no Dark Lord, no war. There were just Severus and Morgaine and the love they shared.

The black satin sheets of his old bed felt smooth and smelled of musk and midsummer roses. And as Severus laid Morgaine down, he remembered the first night they had spent together in that bed. And he could see in her eyes that she, too, remembered that night.

‘I should have told you then,’ he whispered into her ear. ‘I should have told you then how much I loved you.’

He saw a smile in her eyes and felt her brush a streak of hair out of his face. ‘We both should have, Severus. We both should have.’

How many hours they spent making love, Severus did not know. And it did not matter. Nothing mattered that night. And if it had been up to him, they could both have died then and there. And it would not have mattered either.

Morgaine fell asleep in his arms, and he held her close, held her safe, whispering words of love into her ear, hoping that she would hear him in her dreams, hoping that she would never forget him.

Severus never knew that his Patronus had come to me that night.

I had been waiting for his return in his old study when the doe had appeared out of thin air. At first, I had been alarmed, fearing that Severus was in danger and that he had sent the doe to get help. But nothing happened. No message was delivered. The doe just stood there, looking at me. And I stared back into its eyes, searching for an answer to why it had come. Then it faded away slowly, and Severus stepped into its place, pale and shaking, his hair and cloak damp from the snow.

And when the doe disappeared, I understood that it could not protect Severus any longer, and that it was time to say goodbye.

Severus was ripped out of his slumber by the searing pain in his left forearm. The Mark! The Dark Lord was approaching, calling upon his followers. And that meant that Potter had made his way back to Hogwarts. The final battle was about to begin.

Silently, Severus slid out of bed, picked up his clothes and dressed. He didn’t want to wake Morgaine. She would be better off in the safety of the dungeon.

They had spent almost every night down there since that snowy December night. His old chambers had become their haven, a place where they could forget about the dangers that were lurking in the dark outside. And against all the odds, Severus sincerely hoped that the walls of the dungeon would keep Morgaine safe.

As he put on his black cloak and turned to leave, he heard her call his name. ‘He is calling you, isn’t he, Severus? The Dark Lord is calling.’

He turned to look at her, and as his eyes locked onto hers, he nodded. She must have sensed it, too.

He took her outstretched hand into his and settled on the edge of the bed, softly caressing her cheek with his fingers. ‘Promise me to be careful, my love,’ he whispered. ‘Promise me to keep out of harm’s way, Morgaine.’

The smile she gave him was the saddest Severus had ever seen. He could see her lower lip tremble, and her voice was thick with tears when she spoke. But he knew that she would not cry. Not in front of him.

‘You know I cannot promise you that, Severus. As little as you can promise me to do the same.’

Yes, he knew it was true. Neither of them would be safe that night.

He wrapped his arms around her and placed one last tender kiss on her lips. And then he left without looking back, blinking back the tears that were burning in his eyes.

It was time. The Dark Lord was approaching, and Severus had to leave. And I knew that I could not hold him back.

We never said goodbye that night. I did not dare. It felt as if saying goodbye would seal his destiny, as if saying goodbye meant that he would not come back.

I would gladly have sold my soul for his safe return. And had I known then that I would never see him again, that I would never again hear his voice, I would not have let him go.

And to this very day, I still regret not having said goodbye.

I caught up with Flitwick, Sprout and Slughorn in the corridor outside the Ravenclaw common room. We had come just in time to see Minerva’s daggers sink into a suit of armour behind which Severus had taken cover. And then we saw him run. No, we saw him fly – out of the window and towards the sky.

I heard the yells. I heard Minerva calling him a coward. But I knew it wasn’t true. Severus Snape had been a lot of things: a spy, a traitor, maybe even a murderer. But he had never been a coward.

Before Severus jumped out of the window, he caught a last fleeting glimpse of Morgaine. He knew she would fight, he knew she would defend her school, her colleagues, and her students. He wished he could once more tell her to be safe. He wished he could say goodbye. But there was no time. The Dark Lord awaited him.

His instincts were telling him not to enter the Shrieking Shack. He hated that place. Black had once wanted him to die there, to be ripped apart by the claws of a werewolf. Severus grinned grimly at the memory, and somehow he wished Black’s prank had been a success, that he had died that night. It would have saved him so much pain.

The Dark Lord was waiting for him now. And there could only be one reason why he had called him back from the battle. He had found out about the Elder wand. Severus felt a shiver go down his spine. Did this mean that Dumbledore’s master plan had failed? Was everything lost now?

There was no point in delaying the inevitable, Severus knew that. He would have to go inside sooner or later. If he did not go inside voluntarily, he would certainly be dragged in. And he had no desire to be called a coward a second time that night. So he took a deep breath and entered the Shrieking Shack, trying to ignore the premonition that he would never leave it again.

He was almost disappointed when Voldemort set Nagini on him. So the Dark Lord, the wizard everybody feared, did not even deem it necessary to finish him off himself? Or did he maybe not dare? Could it be that he was he afraid that his truest servant, Severus Snape, might be the one to bring him down?

For some moments, Severus struggled and tried to get the enchanted cage off him and with it the blasted snake. But he failed. His knees gave way, and he fell to the floor, already feeling his own blood drenching the collar of his robes. Then the cage was removed, and Severus saw the Dark Lord leave. What did he say? That he regretted it? Had he had any strength left, Severus would have laughed. But his strength had left him.

Lying on the floor, he felt the blood gushing from the wounds in his neck. Instinctively, he pressed his hand onto it, trying to make the bleeding stop, but he knew that there was no use. He would slowly bleed to death right there on the dusty floor in the Shrieking Shack.

Suddenly, Potter was kneeling beside him. Where he had come from, Severus did not know. But as he looked at the boy, he realised that he had been given a last chance, that he – with his dying breath – could bring the Dark Lord down. He grabbed the front of Potter’s robes and pulled him down. The boy needed to know. Good thing that the Granger girl was there as well, Potter wouldn’t have known how to collect the silvery blue memories he was offering him. Now Severus could only pray that the boy would at least know how to make use of them.

Once more, for the very last time, Severus looked into Harry Potter’s green eyes. Lily’s eyes. The eyes of the woman he had never been able to let go, although she had turned from him many years ago.

Then the green faded into blue. And he heard her voice as clearly as if she were standing right beside him. Morgaine’s voice. The voice that had guided him through some of the darkest hours of his life. The voice of the woman who held his hand in the dark whenever he had needed her.

Let go, Severus. Let go, my love.

He imagined her warm hand freeing his own from Potter’s robe, and his nostrils filled with the comforting smell of sandalwood and honey. It felt to him as if she were there by his side, just as she always had been.

And then Severus let go. He let go of his memories, his pain and his love. Lily’s eyes and Morgaine’s voice. He let go of it all.

He felt the coldness of death creep through his body, but he didn’t fight it anymore. He welcomed death now. And he died, knowing that he had not lived in vain, knowing that he had been loved.

I knew that Severus was dead long before Harry came to find me. An icy chill had crept through my veins shortly before midnight and had left me with a feeling of emptiness and despair. And I understood that he had left me forever.

When Harry entered the Great Hall, we were all busy caring for the wounded, shrouding the dead and consoling those who were left behind. Andromeda Tonks had just arrived with little Teddy in her arms. She was crying for her daughter and her son-in-law. And I mourned Remus with her. It wasn’t fair that he had to die just when he had finally found some happiness in his life.

There I was, standing besides the body of my oldest friend when I felt a hand on my shoulder. The boy was still shaky from the battle. Of course he was. He had just defeated one of the most powerful wizards of all time. He, too, had lost friends. No boy his age should have to go through what he had. But he had saved us all from Voldemort’s reign of terror.

I knew what he was going to tell me. What else would Harry Potter have to say to me than that Severus had fallen?

‘He’s dead, isn’t he?’ I asked, and Harry nodded.

‘Did he die alone?’ I needed to know.

‘I was there. I saw him die,’ Harry answered. ‘He gave me his memories.’

So he knew. Finally Harry Potter knew the truth about Severus Snape.

‘Where is his body?’

I could have asked Harry how he felt, what he had made of the memories he had been given, but right there and then, I didn’t care. I just wanted to see him.

‘The Shrieking Shack,’ Harry answered. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

‘You’re needed here, Harry Potter.’ I said, gesturing at the mourning people around us. ‘They need your strength more than I do.’

The sun was rising when I left the castle. Birds were singing, and the air smelled of spring. If it hadn’t been for the crumbling walls and the bloodstains on the flagstones, no one could have guessed that one of the greatest battles in wizard history had been fought there just a couple of hours ago.

I don’t remember how I got to the Shrieking Shack. Suddenly, I was just standing there, Severus’ body lying at my feet. I didn’t feel anything then. There was just an endless emptiness expanding in my heart.

I knelt down beside Severus and looked into his eyes. They were fixed and empty. Gone was the coldness people had feared. Gone was the love they had held for me.

When I closed his eyes, I realised that he would never look at me again. And that was when I broke down. I cried for Severus Snape and myself, the friendship we had shared and the love we had given to each other. And the sadness I felt seemed to tear apart my very soul.

I don’t know how long I had been sobbing by his side. It might have been hours, I don’t know. But when I rose, I had no tears left to shed. And I had said my goodbyes.

I didn’t bother taking his shrouded body back to the castle. I knew that there wouldn’t be anyone there to mourn him just yet. In time, people would understand the greatness of Severus Snape and grieve for him. But for the time being, they would not care. They had to cry for their own first.

The edge of the Forbidden Forest seemed the right place for him to rest. Behind him stretched the forest which had given him countless ingredients for his beloved potions. And in front of him lay the castle, the only place he had ever truly called home.

Severus Snape may not have been the kindest of men. And he would have laughed at being called a hero. But he was a brave man who did what he could with the little means he had been given.

He fought with the courage of the Gryffindor lion. And his Slytherin cunning helped save many lives.

He was the most loyal of us all.

And he will never be forgotten.