X: Mistakes Forgiven

Author's note: Thanks to JKR for some wonderful characters. Thanks to Trickie Woo for beta reading.

Chapter X: Mistakes Forgiven

Almost two weeks had passed since Severus had seen Morgaine's Boggart turn into him and then into a Death Eater. He hadn't spoken to her since. She hadn't come to see him in his office, and whenever their eyes had met in the classroom or the Great Hall, he had turned away. He couldn't stand the questioning look in her eyes.

He was ashamed. Not of being a former Death Eater, he had come to terms with that years ago. No, he was ashamed that Morgaine had found out about his dark past on her own, that he hadn't had the guts to tell her himself. He felt that he should have told her; on Halloween maybe, or the night when he had promised to take care of her. But he hadn't, and now it was too late. The secret was out.

He let his eyes wander towards the Slytherin table. There she was, deeply immersed in a discussion with one of her fellow Slytherins. For a moment Severus considered reaching out for her, letting her hear his thoughts, but he did not dare. What if she did not want him to touch her mind?

Suddenly, Morgaine was looking straight at him, candlelight reflecting in her blue eyes. And there it was again, the questioning look in her eyes. She wanted answers. And once again, Severus turned away. He wasn't ready yet.

~ ~ ~

Severus avoided me. Whenever I tried to catch his eyes, he turned away. My potions were just acknowledged with a curt nod. No bantering, no sarcastic comments, nothing. Only silence.

Once or twice, I tried to touch his mind, but he had raised his shields. He made it very clear that he did not want me to come close. But my heart told me to ignore his wishes. He was my friend. I couldn't leave him alone with his demons.

~ ~ ~

January's full moon approached and with it Severus' birthday. Severus had never seen his birthday as a cause for celebration, but as every year, Dumbledore had gathered all the teachers in the staffroom to celebrate.

Severus hated this yearly party. He hated it when people patted him on the back, telling him what a good guy he was. Because he didn't feel like a good guy, and this year he felt even lousier than usual.

He excused himself from his own party before the cake was served. He needed to be alone.

Back in his private study, he opened his cabinet and took out a bottle of Firewhisky. He was going to spend yet another birthday alone, and he sure as hell wasn't going to spend it sober. He let himself fall into his armchair by the fireplace and poured himself a glass. The amber liquid shone golden in the light of the fire. Who would have thought that something that beautiful could be so dangerous?

He drained the glass and poured himself another one. The alcohol warmed his cold body, but, unfortunately, it also made his thoughts run free. All those thoughts that he normally didn't allow himself to think; thoughts of the mistakes he had made and memories of the friends he had lost.

Morgaine's face kept going in and out of his vision. He imagined her smiling at him, and he imagined looking into her eyes. Those eyes were begging for answers that he couldn't give.

He buried his face in his free hand. He had let her down. Why was it that he always had to disappoint his friends?

After about an hour, there was a gentle knock on the door, but Severus decided to ignore it. Nobody knew that he was there, and nothing could be so important that it couldn't wait until the morning. He drained yet another glass of Firewhisky, and when he reached for the now half-empty bottle, there was another knock. He clenched his fist. Whoever this was, if they didn't go away he would hex them into oblivion.

Then he saw the doorknob turn. He cursed under his breath. He should have locked the door, but it was too late now. He almost dropped his glass when he saw who had been knocking.

'Miss duLac.' The Firewhisky had made his voice hoarse. What was she doing here?

'The headmaster said you weren't feeling well, sir.' There was a note of actual concern in her voice.

Severus felt her eyes upon him. For a moment, he considered shielding his mind, but he couldn't master the strength to bother. The moon was full, and he was drunk. If Morgaine had wanted to, she could have read his mind like an open book. But she kept her distance, and Severus was grateful for it.

'I am fine, Miss duLac,' he lied, trying to keep his voice formal. 'It is just the full moon.'

Morgaine nodded, and he saw her chewing her lip. She didn't believe a word he said, he could sense that clearly.

'Well, I just thought I'd look in. Goodnight then, Professor.' She turned to leave.

Severus swiftly rose from his chair. 'Please, Morgaine, stay.'

He had gotten up too quickly, the Firewhisky made him dizzy, and he had to hold onto his armchair. Morgaine turned to look at him.

'Are you sure you're alright, sir?' She took some tentative steps towards him. There was a worried look on her face.

'I have been celebrating my birthday,' Severus said in a mocking tone, pointing at the half-empty whisky bottle. 'Have a drink with me.'

Morgaine shook her head. 'I don't drink. And neither should you anymore, Professor.'

'Professor!' Severus repeated, his voice suddenly bitter. 'I do have a first name, you know.'

Morgaine ignored his comment. 'How about a cup of strong tea?' she asked instead, and without waiting for permission, she went to the cabinet where Severus kept his tea and his kettle.

He sank back into his chair, watching her closely. All her movements had become so familiar to him: the way she tilted her head when measuring ingredients, the way her lips moved when murmuring an incantation. He had watched her many times before, but right now it seemed to him as if he was watching her for the first time.

A couple of minutes later she handed him a steaming cup. There was a faint scent of peppermint, and Severus couldn't help but smile, remembering the first potion she ever presented to him. It had been peppermint-scented as well.

Then Morgaine took a seat opposite of him. She was looking at the flames that were dancing in the fireplace. Severus couldn't take his eyes of her. Why had she come?

For a long while, neither of them said a word, but then Morgaine broke the silence.

'Why?'

She didn't have to specify her question. Severus knew exactly what she was asking about, and he was ready to give her an answer.

'I was young, impressionable,' he began. 'I felt a sense of belonging with the Dark Lord and his followers. I had never belonged anywhere before.'

Calmly, he told Morgaine about the years after he had left Hogwarts, how he had come to join the Dark Lord. And with every word a big weight seemed to be taken form his shoulders.

'I have seen things I wish I had not seen, Morgaine. I have done things that I am not proud of. But at the time, everything seemed right.'

'But you left.' Morgaine's voice was warm and calm. Severus would have understood if she had run away, if she had never wanted to talk to him again, but she stayed put.

He didn't know what made him feel this way. Maybe it was the Firewhisky, maybe it was the moon, or maybe he was just tired of keeping secrets. But right there and then, Severus felt that he, for the first time in many years, could let his guard down.

'Morgaine, what I am going to share with you is not known to anyone except Dumbledore. I never thought I would let anybody else know, but I want you to understand.'

He reached out and took her hands into his. They looked into each other's eyes. In this very moment, Severus felt closer to Morgaine than he had to anyone for many years. This night she wasn't his student, she was the only friend he had. He was finally ready to share with her the memories he had hidden away years ago. Memories which he had sworn never to reveal to anyone. But he was going to share them with her because he trusted her.

'Take my memories, Morgaine.'

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, opened his mind, and showed her everything.

His childhood, the mother he loved, the father he feared, and whom he could never please.

His years at Hogwarts, they were the happiest and at the same time worst years of his life.

His time with the Dark Lord, a time he wasn't proud of. They had been a time of betrayal, lies and pain.

And then there was Lily, dear, sweet Lily. Severus showed Morgaine the friendship he and Lily had shared, the hurt he had felt when she had turned from him and, most of all, the bitter agony he had felt when he realised that Lily had died because he had told the Dark Lord about the prophecy.

Then Severus broke the connection. It still hurt so much, and the pain would never disappear.

'You've paid dearly for your mistakes.' Morgaine's voice caressed his mind like the gentle hand of a mother caresses her newborn child.

Severus looked at her. He didn't know how he had expected her to react, but what he saw in her eyes brought him to the verge of tears. She understood and most of all, she accepted.

He turned his head and stared into the darkness. He didn't want Morgaine to see the tears that were filling his eyes.

Her voice wasn't much more than a whisper when she spoke. 'My grandmother used to say that a friend is somebody who takes a step closer towards you and holds your hand when everybody else turns their back on you.'

For a brief moment, Severus felt her fingers close around his. It was the simplest of gestures, but it meant so much. Then she let go of his hand, rose from her chair and walked towards the door.

He wanted her to stay, but he didn't have the words to tell her. She had already reached the door when she spoke.

'Don't push me away, Severus Snape.' And with his name on her lips, she left.

He stared at the door that she had closed behind her, tears burning in his eyes. What was it about this girl that made him feel this way? What was it that had made him share all this with her?

He cared deeply for her. She meant more to him than any other student. She had become his friend. The feelings he experienced around her were similar to how he once had felt around Lily: happy, free, even loved. But with Morgaine, there was something more.

Acceptance.

Lily had pushed him away, when he had chosen the wrong path, but Morgaine accepted him, despite all his failings, despite all his flaws. He could feel that she had taken him into her heart, and whatever he had done in his past, whatever he would do in the future, she would not turn from him.

How have I earned her trust? Severus didn't understand.

He drained his glass and blinked back the tears. Tears he would not allow himself to cry.

Tears for the mistakes he had made, and which he regretted every single day.

Tears for the friend he had lost and couldn't let go.

And tears for the girl he had shared his innermost secrets with and to whom he didn't dare telling just how much she meant to him.

~ ~ ~

He shared his deepest and darkest secrets with me that night. I still don't know how I earned his trust.

It wasn't always easy. There were times when he pushed me away. But I stood by and waited, and when he reached out his hand in the dark, I was always there to hold it.