XXVIII: To Those Who Fought Bravely

Thanks to JKR for some amazing characters.

Thanks to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

And thanks to you for reading and reviewing.

In this chapter, you will recognise passages from ‘Out of the Fire’ and ‘The Department of Mysteries’ (OotP).

Chapter XXVIII: To Those Who Fought Bravely

‘That stupid little brat,’ Severus hissed as he stormed into his private study. ‘How is he supposed to save the Wizarding world from plummeting into darkness? He cannot even manage to stay out of trouble here at Hogwarts.’

‘What has Harry done now?’ Morgaine was sitting in the armchair by the fire with a book. There was a slightly annoyed tone in her voice, and Severus wasn’t sure if it was because of Potter or his own outburst.

But he had every right to be furious. There he was, trying to protect the boy, and Potter did nothing other than get himself into trouble. Oh, he was so much like his father.

Severus tried to keep his voice calm as he explained what had happened. ‘Potter tried to contact Black from Umbridge’s office and got himself caught. How dense can one get?’

‘Why would Harry want to contact Sirius?’ Morgaine asked. The annoyance in her voice had now given way to curiosity.

‘He thought the Dark Lord was holding Black in the Department of Mysteries.’

‘But Sirius is at Grimmauld Place.’

‘I know that, I checked myself,’ Severus hissed. ‘But Potter doesn’t know. And by now, he is surely on his way to London. And so is Black. We need to alert Dumbledore. You will have to send the Wyvern.’

Morgaine never asked why he did not contact Dumbledore himself. She just did as he told her. She always did, she always trusted his judgement.

For a moment, she looked after her Patronus, and then she turned to face Severus. Her eyes locked onto his, and as so many times before, he felt her looking right into his soul. There was a question burning in those blue eyes, Severus could see that clearly. But whatever Morgaine had meant to ask him, she never got a chance, since Dumbledore’s response arrived that very moment: ‘It is a trap. There are Death Eaters at the Ministry. Alert the Order.’

Morgaine just managed to send away her Patronus a second time, when a searing pain in his forearm made Severus fall to his knees. The Dark Lord was calling.

Everything happened so fast. One minute our biggest problem had been getting Potter out of Umbridge’s claws, and the next minute it was time to choose sides. The battle had begun.

At first, Severus straight-out forbade me to join up with the Order at the Ministry. Then he argued. And in the end, he begged. I saw the fear in his eyes. He did not want me to go. Just as little as I wanted him to answer the Dark Lord’s call.

But I had no choice. The choice whether I would fight the Dark Lord had been made years ago. And Severus knew that all too well. Just as well as I knew why he had to stay behind. He could not choose sides in this. He could not risk his position. If he had chosen sides that day, all he had worked for would have been lost. And that was the one thing he could not let happen.

So I left for the Ministry alone, leaving Severus behind. He would have to fight his own battle later, and it pained me to know that he would have to fight it all alone.

When the Dark Lord called for the first time, Severus chose not to obey. He knew that the Death Eaters were at the Ministry. He also knew that the Order was there as well. And he knew that he couldn’t choose sides, that he mustn’t.

So he waited until the Dark Lord called a second time. Then he knew that the battle was over. But he had no idea which side had won.

The first thing Severus felt when entering the library at Malfoy Manor was excruciating pain. Someone had hit him with the Cruciatus Curse. It felt as if his body were being ripped to pieces with red-hot pitchforks. He knew that there was no point fighting. Whoever was casting the spell knew what they were doing. They knew how much he could endure. Every time when he thought that his body could take no more, the curse was lifted slightly, just enough for him to catch his breath, just to hit him with full force again seconds later. Eventually, he passed out anyway.

‘You filthy bastard! You son of a blood-traitor!’

Bellatrix’s shrill voice was the first thing Severus heard when he came around. So the Death Eaters hadn’t been the winners of the battle.

It took him all his self-control to get up from the floor. Every muscle in his body was twitching uncontrollably, but he stood tall, glaring at Bellatrix.

‘I gather from your reactions that you have been unsuccessful,’ he pointed out in a sneering tone.

He saw Bellatrix’s face contort in fury. Her second curse hit him within the blink of an eye, and this time, she made sure that he stayed conscious. He would have to suffer until she was satisfied.

After some agonising minutes, the cold, commanding voice of the Dark Lord made Bellatrix lower her wand. ‘Enough!’

Severus was lying on his stomach, panting. When he was able to open his eyes, he realised that the Dark Lord was standing right in front of him. Fighting the excruciating pain in his body, he reached out and kissed the hem of the Dark Lord’s robe.

‘Leave us alone,’ the Dark Lord said. Severus couldn’t see the other Death Eaters, but he knew that none of them would defy the Dark Lord. When he heard the door close, he knew that they were alone.

‘Get up, Severus.’

With big effort, Severus got to his knees. But his whole body was shaking, and his muscles didn’t obey him.

‘I command you to get up now, Severus Snape.’ The Dark Lord’s voice was cold and merciless.

Severus grabbed hold of a chair and pulled himself up. When he had found his balance, he lifted his head to look at the Dark Lord. There was no trace of emotion on the snakelike face, but the tremble in his voice gave the Dark Lord away. He was beyond furious.

‘You were not at the Ministry, Severus.’

‘No, my Lord.’

‘I called you. Why did you disobey me?’

‘My Lord,’ Severus replied. ‘I could not risk my position. If I had joined the Death Eaters against the Order …’

‘Enough!’ The Dark Lord cut him short. ‘I do not need to hear your well-rehearsed story, my slippery friend. For today, I choose to believe you.’

Severus frowned. If the Dark Lord had really had any doubts about his loyalty, he would not have survived this conversation, he knew that. But still, he had a feeling that the Dark Lord knew more than he let on.

‘Tell me, Severus, where was Morgaine tonight? Where was Albus Dumbledore’s great-granddaughter?’

Severus swallowed dryly. ‘She fought with the Order, my Lord.’

He saw the Dark Lord’s red eyes flash dangerously, and when the spell hit him, it felt as if he were flayed alive.

Severus didn’t know how long he had been unconscious, but when he came around, the sun had already set and Malfoy Manor had been abandoned. He dragged himself out of the library, crawled out of the Manor and collapsed on the white gravel outside. His muscles were twitching uncontrollably, and the mere task of producing his wand from his pocket took him several minutes.

He knew the risks. He knew that he could end up splinching himself if he attempted Apparition in his state, but he had to take his chances. If it was the last thing he did in his life, he had to get to Grimmauld Place. Because he knew that the only person he cared for would be waiting for him there.

He did not know how he had managed it, but somehow he had ended up on the doorstep of number twelve. He dragged himself along the hallway, supporting himself against the wall. His muscles had stopped twitching, but the pain in his body was almost unbearable. Several times he considered just giving up, sinking to the floor and dying. But he had to go on. He had to see her.

When Severus reached the kitchen door, he hesitated. He knew that some of the members of the Order had been injured. Bellatrix had even been boasting about having killed somebody. A chill went down his spine. What if he opened this door and Morgaine wasn’t there? He had tried to stop her from going. He had not wanted her to fight. But of course, she had not listened. He hadn’t expected her to either. He had long known that she would stand up against the Dark Lord and fight. That decision had been made for her years ago. But what if she had not returned from the battle?

He took a deep breath, braced himself for the worst and pushed open the kitchen door.

‘Severus!’

Morgaine’s voice seemed to light up the room. Within a heartbeat, she came to stand by his side to support him, and Severus let himself fall against her, wondering how he had managed to keep on his feet for so long. She led him to a chair by the table, and he sank down on it gratefully, not sure just how much longer his legs would have supported him.

Morgaine sat down on the chair to his right, placing her left hand comfortingly on his back. With her other hand, she pushed a glass of Firewhisky towards him. Severus felt his stomach lurch at the mere thought of consuming anything.

‘Drink, sonny, it will do you good.’ Moody’s growling voice made Severus raise his head and look at the people around the table. It was just now that he realised how few they were. Moody didn’t look any worse than usual, and he didn’t seem to have been injured. Neither did Lupin, but his face was ashen, his eyes widened.

‘Where are the others?’ Severus asked, his voice raspy.

‘The Weasleys are with their children. One of them has been injured.’ Moody’s voice was rough as always. ‘Tonks is at St. Mungo’s. She’ll be fine.’

‘And Black?’ Severus asked, silently wondering why he even cared.

‘Bellatrix got him,’ Moody answered. ‘He won’t be coming back. Gone, dead.’

Lupin burst into tears, and Severus just stared at him, his mind strangely empty. He had wished Black to hell so many times, and now he was dead and Severus felt … nothing, nothing at all.

He felt Morgaine let go of him, and he followed her with his eyes as she hurried soundlessly towards the other side of the table. She came to a halt behind Lupin and wrapped her arms around the sobbing man. Her chin came to rest on Lupin’s shoulder, and for a moment, she closed her eyes. When she opened them again, those blue eyes locked immediately onto Severus’ dark ones. He could hear her unasked question.

How many more are going to die? Which of us will be next?

He took a deep breath and drained his glass. He didn’t have any answers, and right now, he didn’t want to know either.

‘A toast, my friends.’ Moody refilled their glasses and lifted his own. ‘To those who fought bravely.’

They toasted and drank. Severus felt the Firewhisky burn in his throat. The alcohol warmed his aching body, but his soul stayed cold, so cold.

For a long time, the four of them were just sitting there, silently, each one absorbed in their own thoughts. Then Moody bade them goodnight and left. Lupin got up as well.

‘I’m going to bed.’ His voice was so fragile that Severus barely recognised it. ‘Will you be staying?’ It wasn’t a question. Lupin was begging them not to leave him alone that night.

Morgaine nodded. ‘We will be at the other end of the corridor. You know where to knock.’

A shudder went through Lupin’s body, and he broke out in tears once again. He was sobbing too hard to say goodnight when he left the kitchen.

For several minutes, Morgaine kept staring at the door he had closed behind him. Severus could sense how concerned she was.

‘Go, Morgaine,’ he said. ‘Go, stay with L… with Remus.’

He was surprised at his own words. He had never liked Lupin, but he did know how it felt to lose one’s best friend. No one should have to be alone after such a loss.

He felt Morgaine wrap her arms around him. Instinctively, he tensed every muscle in his aching body, but her touch was gentle. He relaxed and pulled her close, and his head came to rest at her chest. He could hear her heartbeat, it was slow and steady, and her body felt warm against his. He wished he could stay in her arms forever, but he knew that he was not the only one in need of her comforting embrace that night.

‘I will be fine,’ he whispered. ‘Go, Morgaine. Remus needs a friend tonight.’

He felt Morgaine's lips brush his forehead and watched her walking towards the door.

‘You will stay here tonight, won’t you?’ she asked before she left the room.

Severus just nodded. Yes, he would stay. He had nowhere else to go.

He had no idea how long he had been sitting in the kitchen, staring at his empty glass. But when he got up from his chair, the candle on the table had almost burned down.

Every step he took was pure agony, every single muscle in his body hurt as he dragged himself up the stairs. As he stopped on the landing to catch his breath, his gaze was drawn to the half-open door at the end of the corridor. He could see Lupin and Morgaine sitting on the bed. Lupin was sobbing at Morgaine’s shoulder, and his whole body was shaking. For a moment, Severus felt jealous, but not because Morgaine had her arms wrapped around Lupin. No, he was jealous of the tears Lupin could shed.

When he entered Morgaine’s room, he found that she had already put out a towel and a nightshirt. There was also a bottle of Essence of Dittany with a note attached to it: ‘There is a warm bath waiting for you at the end of the corridor.’ Severus smiled. She always thought of everything.

Gratefully he sank into the warm water, closed his eyes and deeply inhaled the fumes that rose from the bathwater. He didn’t even hear her come in. Suddenly, he just felt her hands on his shoulders. Her touch was warm and comforting, and without opening his eyes, he let his head fall back, enjoying her touch, wordlessly begging for more, knowing that she knew how to ease the pain in his body as well as the pain in his soul.

She dried him of with a soft towel, carefully avoiding the parts where his skin had broken. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. Looking at her did to his soul what the Healing Paste did to his wounded body.

Back in her room, he let her tuck him in like a mother tucks in her sick child. He was unspeakably grateful for her tenderness, for her care.

It was first when Morgaine sat down beside him on the edge of the bed that Severus realised how tired she looked. There were dark shadows under her eyes, and her hands were shaking. She had been so strong, so brave. She had given all her strength to those around her, to those who had no strength left of their own.

Severus reached out for her and pulled her down onto the bed. She snuck up against him, and he placed a tender kiss on her forehead. All he wanted was to hold her in his arms.

He buried his face in her hair and inhaled the comforting scent of sandalwood and honey. And suddenly, everything felt so clear, so easy.

‘I love you, Morgaine.’

For an instant, he was surprised at how easily the words had come. He had always feared them, never had the courage to say them aloud. And now, they were out, hanging in the room like a silver mist, like the light of a Patronus.

Morgaine didn’t stir in his arms. Her breathing had become deep and slow, and Severus figured that she was fast asleep.

He felt tears burn in his eyes. It wasn’t fair. He had finally had the courage to tell her how he felt for her, and she hadn’t heard him.

But then there was a whisper, almost silent like the wind in the trees.

‘I love you too, Severus. I always have.’

He felt her arms encircle his torso and pulled her closer. The lump in his throat prevented him from speaking, and he wordlessly buried his face in her hair. And for the first time in many years, Severus felt tears streaming down his face.