XXX: Comfort and Strength

Thanks to JKR for creating the HP universe.

Thanks to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

And thanks to you for reading and reviewing.

In this chapter, you will recognise passages from 'The Lightning-Struck Tower', 'Flight of the Prince' (HBP) and 'The Prince's Tale' (DH). I am only borrowing.

Chapter XXX: Comfort and Strength

How long they had been kneeling on the cold stone floor, Severus did not know. Time had not mattered that night. All that had mattered was that Morgaine was still there, holding him tight in her arms.

He had not expected her to. For some terrifying moments, he had been convinced that seeing his Patronus had been too much for her, that he had finally managed to hurt her enough to make her turn from him. And if she had walked away that night, he would not have had the words to hold her back. How could he have asked her to stay after she had seen that he still held Lily in his heart?

But he had not needed to ask anything of Morgaine. She had held him in her arms the whole night. And he had once more wondered how he had deserved her devotion. Unconditionally, she had stood by his side, never questioning, never judging. She had picked him up when he lay shattered on the floor. She had kept him warm during those nights when his very soul seemed to be frozen to ice. She had given him strength. She had given him hope.

Every time he had looked at her that night, every time she had smiled at him, his soul had filled up with a sort of warmth he had never felt before. But just moments later, he had felt his heart freeze to ice. Soon, far too soon, he would have to do things which would seem to her as if he were betraying her trust. Far too soon he would – once more – have to hurt her.

And that day would come far sooner than he had expected.

~ ~ ~

There wasn't a cloud in the sky when Severus left the Great Hall for the dungeons after dinner, but he could sense a storm coming. He heard the distant rumbles of thunder and saw the surface of the lake ripple dangerously. He knew that there was a fateful night ahead.

Dumbledore had left the castle at sunset, taking Harry Potter with him. And shortly before leaving, he had called Severus to his office. And Severus had known that it was time. Time to fulfil the promise he had given Dumbledore almost a year ago. Time to throw away any hope of peace he had ever had.

'Stay awake tonight, Severus,' Dumbledore had said. 'I'm afraid I am going to need you.'

And Severus had just nodded, silently.

Now, just hours later, he was standing in his office, staring at the empty grate of the fireplace, contemplating the situation at hand.

Yes, it was time. The moment he had dreaded all those months had finally come. And he wished that he had never agreed to this. He had done many despicable things in his life. He had lied, tortured, killed. He had sinned beyond repent, but the sin Dumbledore had asked him to commit was the only one he did not want to have on his conscience. Because committing it meant betraying the trust of the only one he had ever truly loved.

Once more, he looked around his office. Yes, he had thought of everything. Everything was prepared, all loose ends were tied up. He had even graded every last Defence Against the Dark Arts essay. What a waste of time, actually. What student would want to receive a grade from one of the most wanted wizards in Britain? But Severus Snape had always taken any of his tasks very seriously, and he would not give up that habit now.

Yes, everything was prepared. The protective spells around his quarters would activate themselves the moment he left the castle. Not that there was anything within these walls that would be of interest to anybody. He just did not like the thought of Aurors tearing apart his private possessions.

What made him sit down at his empty desk again, Severus did not know, and for a moment, he just stared blankly at the parchment in front of him, not knowing what to write, not knowing where to begin. He could not tell Morgaine the truth, he mustn't. Her knowing the truth would put her in tremendous danger. But still, he felt the need to leave her with something.

No, he did not know where to begin, but once he had written her name, the words suddenly came, and the quill moved over the parchment as if of its own accord.

Morgaine,

Severus

Then there was a knock on the door, and for a moment, Severus stared at the parchment in front of him, hesitating. How could he ask this of her? How could he ask Morgaine to forgive him? How could he ask her to continue to stand by his side? It was not fair of him to ask anything of her. Maybe, it would be more humane to let her believe that he actually was a cold-blooded murderer, that he had deceived her. That way, she would be able to hate him, and consequently, to let go. She had suffered enough.

It did not take more than a flick of his wand to ignite the parchment. And by the time Morgaine entered his office, all there was left were smouldering ashes.

~ ~ ~

'You've tidied up, I see,' Morgaine said, looking around his office.

All the books were in their place, all the phials on the shelf sealed and labelled. For a moment, Severus saw her eyes linger on the pile of ashes that was lying on his otherwise empty desk, and he detected a frown on her brow. Then she looked up at him, and their eyes locked, as so many times before.

'You'll be leaving tonight.' This was not a question. She was stating a fact. She knew.

Severus nodded. Would Morgaine ever look at him like that again, he wondered. Or would her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes, be filled with hatred and disgust the next time they looked upon him?

'I will be waiting for you, Severus,' she said, her voice firm and warm. 'When you return, I will be here, right by your side.'

He sighed almost inaudibly. He had heard these words before. She had kept her promise then, and he desperately hoped that she really would be there when – if – he returned this time. But deep inside his heart, he feared that what he had to do that night would be too much to forgive, even for her.

He wanted to tell her to stay in the dungeons until everything was over; he wanted her to stay out of harm's way, but he knew that it was no use. For a moment, he even considered Stupefying her or locking her up in his office, but he decided against it. When the Death Eaters entered the castle, Morgaine would want to fight. She would want to defend her students, her colleagues, her home. And he had no right to prevent her.

'Morgaine, stay down here tonight,' he started. 'Whatever happens ...'

He never got to finish telling her why he wanted her to stay in the dungeons. Suddenly the office door flew open and Professor Flitwick came sprinting in.

'Death Eaters. Death Eaters in the castle,' he yelled. 'You must come. We need you.'

So it was time.

Severus turned slowly towards his flustered colleague. 'Filius,' he said in the imperative tone he normally reserved for his students when warning them about poisonous potion ingredients. 'I need you to stay here.'

'Stay here? Stay here?' Flitwick squeaked. 'Severus, did you not understand me? There are Death Eaters in the castle. We have to fight them.'

He was already on his way out of the office again when Severus' spell hit him in the back, and he collapsed face first on the cold stone floor.

Severus reached him with three swift strides and turned him onto his back. 'I am sorry, Filius. But this seems to be the only way to keep you down here, out of danger.'

Then he straightened and looked at Morgaine. He saw the confusion in her eyes. But at the same time, he knew that she understood why he had just attacked his colleague.

'I suppose there is no use in telling you to stay down here,' he stated.

She shook her head. 'No, Severus, there isn't. And you are not going to Stupefy me either.'

No, he wasn't. Morgaine was needed up there. He needed her.

One last time, Severus let his fingers caress her cheek while his thumb slipped down over her nose to her lips. With his hand under her chin, he pulled her face towards his and placed a last, tender kiss on her lips.

'Forgive me,' he whispered and without looking back he swept out of the dungeons, up to the Astronomy Tower, not sure if Morgaine had heard his apology.

~ ~ ~

The air was filled with electricity, and I imagined hearing the thunder rolling in from over the hills. The power that hung in the air that night made my skin tingle. Great things were about to happen. Horrendous things, but great nonetheless.

Yes, I would be there, but not because Dumbledore had asked me to. I would be there to ease the pain that my family had inflicted on Severus Snape.

~ ~ ~

Severus quickly assessed the situation as he arrived on the ramparts. There were three Death Eaters and Fenrir Greyback, the werewolf. There was Draco Malfoy, pale as a ghost, shaking and clutching his wand. And there was Albus Dumbledore, slumped against the wall, dying.

Severus did not need to ask where Harry Potter was. The hatred that radiated from the boy made the hair on his neck stand up. Yes, he knew Potter was there, under his Invisibility Cloak, and obviously Dumbledore had immobilised him just in time. Good, Severus thought. That way, the boy would be out of harm's way, at least for a while.

His eyes darted back to Draco. He would not be able to do it, Severus knew that. The boy was no murderer. And even if he were, Severus would not allow him to kill. He had promised to protect the boy's soul.

'Severus.'

Dumbledore's voice was barely audible, but it was loud enough to send chills down Severus' spine.

Is this how you imagined it, Albus?

If he had spoken the question aloud, his voice would have been filled with endless hatred, Severus was well aware of that. But he could not feel sorry for the old man who was lying in front of him, not anymore.

'Severus, please.'

Do you know how much I hate you for this, old man?

When his dark eyes locked onto Dumbledore's blue ones, Severus felt a stab in his heart.

She has your eyes, you know.

And then Severus fired the spell that sent Dumbledore to his death and himself straight to hell.

~ ~ ~

Draco felt like a puppet in his hands as Severus forced him down the stairs. The boy could not have understood what just had happened. Severus himself was not sure if he did.

He had known that this moment would come eventually. He had known that he would have to be the one to kill Albus Dumbledore. But now that the deed was done, it felt utterly absurd. He had never been asked if he wanted to carry this burden. Dumbledore had just said that he had to, that he was the only one who could do it. And he had not even tried to talk himself out of it. He had just accepted the task, hoping that it was the right thing to do.

When they arrived at the bottom of the spiral staircase, the battle was raging before them. Hexes were thrown, spells were blocked. People were shouting, and there was the smell of blood in the air. Severus could make out McGonagall, Lupin, one of the Weasleys.

And then he saw Morgaine, on the far end of the corridor, where she had just brought a Death Eater down. And as if she had sensed him, she turned her head in Severus' direction, and her blue eyes met his. Blue eyes. Dumbledore's eyes.

She had only looked at him for a split second, but it had been enough for her opponent to find the wand he had dropped and point it at her. She ducked in the very last moment, and the spell hit the ceiling which collapsed with a deafening crush.

She had not even time to scream. And as much Severus wanted to run to her, he knew that he could not.