XXIII: They Win Again, They Always Do

Thanks to JKR for some amzing characters.

Thanks to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

And thanks to you for reading and reviewing.

In this chapter, you will recognise passages from Rowling’s ‘The Servant of Lord Voldemort’, ‘Hermione’s Secret’ and ‘Owl Post Again’ (PoA). I am only borrowing.

Chapter XXIII: They Win Again, They Always Do

Severus swore and Vanished the broken glass with a flick of his wand. Seven phials had fallen victim to his rage so far. He had smashed them into the floor, one after the other, and for the tiniest of moments it had actually felt good. But this moment had passed ever so quickly.

How he hated the world right now. How he hated Sirius Black. How he hated Remus Lupin. How he hated the blasted Marauders. Would he ever be free of them?

He reached for yet another phial, but a knock on the door made him spin around.

‘Severus, open up.’

He flinched slightly as Morgaine’s voice cut through the silence of the dungeon. He had not expected her to come down. He put down the phial and listened.

‘Severus Snape, open the door.’

There was a demanding tone in her voice, but Severus didn’t open. In fact, he didn’t make a single sound. Maybe, if he kept silent, she would think that he wasn’t there and leave.

The minutes ticked by, and he moved towards the door, slowly, quietly. He hadn’t heard her walk away. Was she still there?

‘Severus, please. Open up.’

Her voice had become somewhat softer. If he closed his eyes, he could see her face. He could see the concerned line between her eyebrows and the questioning look in her eyes. He knew that she was worried about him.

Severus placed the palm of his hand against the door. As much as he wanted to let Morgaine in, as much as he needed a friend at this moment, he couldn’t open the door. Not yet anyway, he had to get himself together first. If he let her in now, he might say things that he would later regret. And hurting her was the very last thing he wanted to do.

With a sigh, he turned away from the door and sat down at his desk, burying his face in his hands. He had come so close tonight. He had almost gotten his revenge, but once more, the universe had plotted against him, and once more, the Marauders had won: Black had somehow managed to escape, and nobody even showed the slightest interest in Severus' theories about how he had done it. Damn them, damn them all.

One more time, Severus let the night’s events go through his head. Could he have done anything different? It had started out so nicely, after all.

When he had arrived at Lupin’s office to give him his potion, Lupin hadn’t been there. But the Marauders’ Map on his desk had given away his whereabouts, and Severus had seen his chance to prove the suspicion he had had all year: that Lupin had been the one helping Black into the castle.

And then he had come across Potter’s Invisibility Cloak at the base of the Whomping Willow. Fortuna had certainly been smiling at him. He had hurried through the tunnel towards the Shrieking Shack, and there he had found them, both Black and Lupin, caught in the act. All he had to do was grab them. Oh, sweet vengeance. But Saint Potter had interfered.

Yet another knock made Severus face the door again.

‘Severus, open the door. I’m begging you.’

He heard the anxiety in Morgaine's voice. She wouldn’t leave, he knew that. If he didn’t open, she would spend the night in the cold corridor outside his door. He was endlessly grateful for her devotion, but he just couldn’t let her in. Not yet, not when he was full of hatred and disdain.

Gods, how he despised them all. He could have put an Unforgivable Curse on every last one of them had they crossed his path. Black, Lupin, any of them, even Potter! How dare the brat point a wand at his teacher? Severus raised his hand and gingerly probed the wound on his head. It had stopped bleeding but was still throbbing. Maybe, he should have Madam Pomfrey examine it?

He looked towards the door, and for a moment he held his breath and listened. Yes, Morgaine was still there, still waiting outside the door. She had stopped calling for him, but he knew that she was still there. He could sense her presence.

Yes, she was still there, just as she always was.

She had been by his side from the moment he had entered the castle with three injured students and a captured convict. She had not asked any questions. She had fetched Dumbledore, taken the children to the hospital wing, and then she had returned to the headmaster’s office and stood there right beside him while he had been giving his report.

Everything had gone so well, but then, Black had escaped. Severus had at once known that Potter had had something to do with it. He couldn’t explain it, but he was convinced that Potter had somehow helped Black get away. But nobody had listened. Fudge had told him to stop talking nonsense, and Dumbledore had just looked at him with those annoyingly twinkling eyes of his. They both thought that the blow to his head had made him imagine things. They hadn’t even cared when he had stormed out of the ward. Only Morgaine had gone after him. And now, she was still there, standing outside his door.

Once more, Severus buried his face in his hands. Why did she stand by him? Why did she insist on believing him when no one else did?

‘Severus, please.’

Her voice was filled with tears now, he could hear that clearly. And he was unspeakably sorry.

Then he frowned. She didn’t need his permission to enter. She knew the spells he had put on his door. Why didn’t she just come in?

A friend is somebody who takes a step closer towards you and holds your hand when everybody else turns their back on you.

The words she had spoken to him years ago were hanging in the air like a slivery mist, and suddenly Severus realised what Morgaine was waiting for. She was waiting for him to reach out his hand. With a flick of his wand, he unlocked the door.

He didn’t look up when he heard it creak open but kept his face buried in his hand. He heard Morgaine's light steps on the cold stone floor, he felt her approach, but still, he didn’t look up. She came to a halt right beside him, close enough for him to feel the warmth of her body. The slightest movement and they would have touched.

She didn’t say anything. She just stood there by his side. Severus could feel her eyes upon him. Those blue eyes that never held anything but understanding for him. He couldn’t look up. The look in her eyes would surely reduce him to tears.

He didn’t know how long she had been standing there. It could have been minutes, hours, days, lifetimes. He inhaled the comforting scent of sandalwood and honey, absorbed the warmth of her body, and got lost in her presence. Finally, he reached out for her and pulled her close, burying his face at her chest.

His voice wasn’t much more than a whisper when he spoke. ‘They win again. They always do.’

He felt the touch of her hand on his head and shivered. It had been the slightest of touches, but it felt as if Morgaine had reached out to caress his very soul.

Then Severus Snape broke. He felt tears burn in his eyes, but he knew that those tears would never run down his cheeks. He didn’t know how to cry. As dry sobs shook his body, he let Morgaine cradle him just as a mother would cradle her crying child. He felt her tender touch on his back, her warm lips on his forehead, and he knew that in her arms, he didn’t have to be strong. She would hold him until the morning. She would be there for as long as he needed her. And he hoped that one day, he would even find the courage to thank her for it.

What do you do when the only rock you’ve ever known starts to crumble?

I had seen the triumph in Severus’ eyes when he had brought Black to the castle. He couldn’t have cared less about the Order of Merlin Fudge promised him, because he had won something much more precious that night. He had brought down his childhood nemesis. Yes, vengeance is sweet.

When we heard of Black’s escape, the light of triumph in Severus’ eyes was extinguished like a candle in the wind. And then the fire of fury broke out. He lost his composure completely. I felt his hatred burn inside my mind, and there was nothing I could do, nothing but stand by and wait until he let me in.

Yes, what do you do when the only rock you’ve ever known starts to crumble? What do you do if the one person you thought was untouchable breaks?

For me, the answer was very simple: you stand by and wait, and then you pick up the pieces.

Severus woke up alone the next morning. He didn’t remember when Morgaine had left. He didn’t know how long she had been holding him in her arms. They hadn’t spoken, not a single word. There had not been any need. Severus knew that Morgaine understood.

Eventually, she had handed him a goblet containing a purple liquid, Dreamless Sleep Potion. He had drunk without protesting. He had let her take him into his chambers, let her take off his clothes and tuck him in like a child. The last thing he remembered before drifting off to sleep had been her tender touch on his forehead.

The potion had worked; Severus had slept soundly and dreamlessly. But now he was awake, and all his bitterness and resentment washed over him like a tidal wave. How he wished that the Dementors had caught Black. How he wished that the werewolf lay dead in the Forbidden Forest somewhere. And how he wished that Potter had been expelled. But he knew that none of his wishes would come true. And he also knew that there was not a damn thing he could do about it. Scowling, he got dressed and started his way up the stairs towards the headmaster’s office.

He heard Morgaine's voice already in the staircase. He had never heard her so angry.

‘What do you mean, he is not going to get the Order of Merlin?’

‘Dear Miss duLac, there is no reason to get so upset.’ Severus recognised the second voice: Fudge was in the office.

‘The Minister is right, Morgaine. Severus will understand.’ Dumbledore’s voice was calm and reassuring, but it seemed to have little effect on Morgaine.

‘Will he? Well, good luck with that then.’ Her voice was cold as ice. ‘Headmaster, Minister, good day to both of you.’

She almost knocked him over when she came storming out of the headmaster’s office. Severus caught her in his arms and looked at her. The tone of her voice matched the look on her face. He had never seen her so angry.

‘Leave your wand out here, or you might just hex someone in there,’ she hissed.

‘What has happened?’ he asked.

‘Well, since the Minister is not supposed to know about Remus’ condition, Dumbledore convinced him that Remus had been trying to save Potter’s life last night after you had been knocked out.’

‘Understandable,’ Severus said, keeping his voice calm.

‘Understandable? Severus, do you realise what this means?’ Her voice was still trembling with anger. ‘This means that nobody will thank you for anything.’

Severus nodded. He had gathered that much. But he would not lose control again. He wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction.

‘Where are you going now?’ he asked, trying to smooth things over.

Morgaine pressed her hands against her eyes for a second.

‘Remus’ quarters,’ she answered. ‘Hagrid found him at the edge of the Forbidden Forest shortly after sunrise. He’s in a ragged state.’ She reached out and placed her hand on the side of Severus' arm. ‘Please, don’t be angry, Severus.’

‘About you caring for Lupin?’ He was himself surprised how calm his voice was. But then again, he had expected nothing less of Morgaine than that she would go and be there for her friend, just as she had been there for him the night before.

He heard her sigh and saw her chew her lip. Then she shrugged. ‘About all of it, Severus. All of it.’

He looked after her as she hurried down the stairs. No, he wouldn’t be angry. Not with her anyway. She had done more than he could ever have asked of her. She had stayed by his side when no one else had, and he knew that she would always be there, even if she now hurried to care for Lupin.

For a brief moment, Severus closed his eyes and remembered her touch. Then he straightened and knocked at Dumbledore’s door, ready to hear about Lupin’s heroic deed, ready to hear Fudge making apologies, ready to hear that once more, the Marauders had won and that he, once more, was left to stand in the shadows.