XXIX: The Most Loyal

Thanks to JKR for some wonderful characters.

Thanks to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

And special thanks to Trickie Woo and Memory. You guys know why.

In this chapters you will recognise passages from Rowling's 'The Prince's Tale' (DH). I am only borrowing.

Chapter XXIX: The Most Loyal

Severus didn't let go of Morgaine all night. The warmth of her body was as comforting as a woollen blanket. And every time she turned in her sleep, every time she moved just an inch, he felt the chill of the night lick his skin and pulled her closer towards him. She was the only one who could warm him now.

His head was filled with hundreds of questions that night: How many more would die in this war? Who would be next? Would he himself survive? Would Morgaine? Would there ever be a peaceful future for them? He didn't have answers to any of those questions, and it was not as much the questions themselves as the lack of answers that kept him awake. When he finally fell asleep, he was beyond exhausted and slept soundly and dreamlessly.

He awoke shortly after dawn to find the bed sheets beside him empty. But his mind was at ease: for the very first time he didn't panic after having found Morgaine gone. He knew he didn't need to. He knew that she had not gone far. Carefully, he pulled her pillow closer to his face and inhaled the comforting scent of sandalwood and honey. Yes, he knew now that she would always be close to him and that she would never leave him, ever again.

He found her downstairs in the kitchen. She was sitting close to Lupin with her arms wrapped around him. Lupin's body was still shaking with sobs. He looked dreadful, and Severus wondered if the man had slept at all, if he had ever stopped crying.

When he had seen Lupin in Morgaine's arms, Severus had almost expected the familiar sensation of jealousy to wash over him, but to his surprise it never did. Morgaine would always be there for her oldest friend, Severus knew that. And all of a sudden he wondered why it had taken him so many years to accept it. Hadn't he long since known that her heart belonged to him, him alone?

When Lupin noticed Severus, he straightened and wiped his tears away. He even attempted a faint smile which Severus acknowledged with a quick nod. Lupin seemed genuinely surprised to see him at Grimmauld Place so early in the morning, but he didn't say anything. He didn't need to.

They shared breakfast in silence. They had said what had to be said the night before, and they all knew it. There was no point in going over the events at the Ministry once more.

The footsteps in the corridor were the first sound that made any of them take their eyes off their coffee cups. They weren't surprised to see Moody enter the kitchen. The clunking noise of his leg had given him away.

'You all look like crap,' he growled as he helped himself to a cup of coffee. 'Has either of you been to bed at all, or have you spent the night in the kitchen?'

No one answered, and Moody didn't pursue the question but turned to more important matters instead.

'Dumbledore is taking care of Potter, and everybody else is doing alright. The Weasley kids are patched up, and Tonks will be out of St. Mungo's in a couple of days. I am off to see her right now. Anyone care to join me?'

'I would,' Lupin said and rose from his chair.

Moody growled a goodbye and limped out of the kitchen. Lupin hurried to follow him, but when he had reached the door, he stopped and looked back. There was a sad smile on his face.

'I am happy for you two, you know. I really am. We all need some light in these dark times.'

And then he closed the door and left Severus and Morgaine alone in the kitchen.

~ ~ ~

Remus didn't need to ask. He had known about Severus and me before anybody else had. Ever since that summer on Iceland, he had seemed to know that Severus and I belonged together. Already back then, he had asked me if I was in love. I remember that I had just stared at him back then, not knowing what he was talking about. But he had understood.

When the Dark Lord called, Severus left Grimmauld Place and took a piece of my heart with him. And once more, I did not know if he would return.

~ ~ ~

They never talked about their tasks. Why should they? Morgaine had to carry out her tasks for the Order, just as Severus had to carry out his. They were both in danger, and they both knew it. And there was no point talking about it.

Whenever Morgaine closed the heavy oak door of Severus' private chambers behind her, the world outside disappeared. There was no war, no Dumbledore and no Dark Lord. There was no Order and no Death Eaters. For some stolen hours at night, there were only the two of them, and all that mattered was the love they had to give to each other. Several times, Severus wished that the night would last forever, that he would not have to let go of Morgaine, that she could stay by his side and hold his hand. But dawn always came, quickly and mercilessly.

Before anybody stirred in the castle, Morgaine had to sneak out of the dungeon, leaving her lover behind. No one must know about them. They had decided that it was too dangerous. If Morgaine should ever be caught by Death Eaters, or if Severus should ever fall out of favour with the Dark Lord, it would be best if no one knew about their love, so that it could never be used as a weapon against them.

It was hard to see her go, and every time Severus kissed Morgaine goodbye, he felt the urge to tell her to be safe, to take care of herself. But what good would it do, he wondered. Nobody was safe anymore.

There were days when Severus wished that he could share all his burdens with Morgaine. He knew that she would understand, that she would support him. But she mustn't know. And although it pained Severus immeasurably not being able to be honest with her, he knew that he had to keep her in the dark if he wanted to protect her. The less she knew, the safer she was.

But sometimes, he was afraid that she knew too much already to be ever safe again.

She had been with him the night Dumbledore had returned with Marvolo Gaunt's ring. She had seen her great-grandfather's hand, blackened and burned. And as time had been of the essence, Severus had let her help him prepare the potion which had kept Dumbledore from dying that very night. He was well aware that she knew enough about Dark Magic to know that the ring had carried a powerful curse, and that she knew that Dumbledore's days were numbered.

She did not know, however, that Dumbledore had asked Severus to kill him. She did not know that Dumbledore had asked him to damage his soul beyond repair. She did not know that he soon would be one of the most hunted wizards in Britain.

And she must never know. As much as Severus was thirsting for the strength Morgaine could have given him, he could not tell her. He must not tell her. But it didn't feel right. He did not want to keep secrets from her. He trusted her with his very life, and he knew that she felt the same way about him. But he had no choice: to keep her safe, he had to keep her in the dark.

So he didn't tell her about Dumbledore's plans. And he did not tell her about Narcissa Malfoy's visit to Spinner's End.

~ ~ ~

Something was not right. I sensed it, but I could not put my finger on it.

Yes, I knew that something was wrong, but I had no idea just how gruesome a task Severus had been given by one of his masters.

~ ~ ~

He had asked for it. Severus had demanded that Dumbledore finally let him in on the secret of Harry Potter. He had demanded to know just how the boy was supposed to bring the Dark Lord down. And finally, Dumbledore had told him and revealed that the boy had to die in order for Voldemort to die. It was either both or none of them.

This was not what Severus had wanted to hear. Had he spied, lied, and put his life in mortal danger over and over again just to see Harry Potter, Lily's son, being brought to the slaughter? Had all been for nothing?

It was almost midnight when Severus returned to his private chambers. He felt betrayed. Dumbledore had promised him that all of this would have a point. He had promised him that by protecting Harry, he would be able to repent, to repay his debt to Lily. And so he had protected her son all these years. He had protected the boy so she would not have died in vain. And now, Dumbledore had told him that all of it had been for nothing, nothing at all. The boy was going to die – just as his mother had – by the hand of the Dark Lord. And Severus would not be able to protect him anymore. Just as little as he had been able to protect Lily.

He sank onto the armchair by the fireplace and stared blankly into the empty grate. He didn't know what to feel. He was overwhelmed with emotions, but at the same time, there was a strange emptiness inside his chest. Right then and there, he felt like giving up.

He raised his wand and, for the second time that evening, he murmured the incantation: 'Expecto Patronum.'

The silver doe enlightened the dungeon like a newly-lit candle. It just stood there, as if grazing, and Severus stared at it, not really knowing why he had called for it.

'I have failed you,' he whispered.

The doe lifted its head and looked at him. For some moments, Patronus and wizard just gazed at each other, silently, and Severus desperately hoped for some comfort. And then, after what felt like hours, he felt a second pair of eyes upon him.

He had not heard her come in. Suddenly Morgaine was standing beside him. There was a sad smile on her face when she held out her hand towards the doe, which approached her cautiously and took in her scent. Morgaine patted it tenderly, and the doe rubbed its nose against her hand. Then it turned its head to look at Severus once more, and disappeared.

'How long have you known, Morgaine?' Severus barely recognised his own voice. It seemed to come from far, far away.

'Does it really matter, Severus?' Her hand with which she had just patted the doe came to rest on his shoulder, and its warmth seeped through his skin and right into his very soul.

Severus lifted his head and looked at the woman he loved. He could have sworn that there were tears glistering in her blue eyes.

'How long have you known, Morgaine?' he repeated his question.

'I have only guessed. Since you have always avoided using your Patronus, I figured its shape was something you did not want anyone to see.'

She knelt down in front of him and took both his hands into hers. And her blue eyes locked onto his dark ones as so many times before.

'Since the day you opened your mind to me for the first time, I have known that there was something hidden deep inside you, Severus. Something that you would never overcome. Something that would be there forever, as part of your soul.'

Severus saw her blink back the tears that had been hanging on her lashes. She would not cry, he knew that. At least not as long as he could see it. She never did.

'Are you disappointed?' he asked. Still his voice wasn't much more than a whisper.

'Disappointed at what, Severus? At you being the man you are? At you being the most loyal person I have ever known?'

A shudder went through Severus' body, and he felt Morgaine's hands tighten their grip around his. He found it hard to breathe. His throat was tight, and his chest seemed to sit in a giant vice. He had to let it all out.

'I let her down. I carried the prophecy to the Dark Lord, and he killed her. And I could not protect her.'

'No, Severus, you did not let her down. The Dark Lord chose to apply the prophecy to the Potters. You could not have known.'

Morgaine's voice was calm, but Severus knew that there were just as many emotions raging in her heart as there were in his. But she would not show it. Not tonight, not ever, Severus knew that.

'Lily did not die because of you, Severus,' Morgaine continued. 'You did all you could with the little means you had been given. It was not your fault. Lily died because she was a pawn in this great game of wizard's chess. Just a pawn, like you and I.'

Severus felt cold. Just as cold as he had felt the night Lily had died. He turned his head and stared into the darkness. 'Will the pain ever go away?' he whispered.

Morgaine brought her hand to his chin and made him look at her again. He stared into her blue eyes and wished they were an enchanted lake in which he could drown and forget his sorrow.

'No, Severus,' she replied. 'It will never go away. It is part of who you are. This is a burden you will have to carry for the rest of your life. And you will have to carry it alone. But remember that I will always be there to carry you.'

He sank to his knees beside her and buried his face at her shoulder. There were tears burning in his eyes, but he blinked them back, just as she had. Morgaine had been strong for him, and he would have to be strong for her.

He knew that she must be hurting. How could she not? She had stood by his side for years. She had suffered with him, for him and even because of him. And now she had seen that he still carried Lily in his heart.

Yes, Lily was still there, and she would probably always be. He had loved her dearly, and he still did, but her ghost would never be able to give him what he needed to go on: a glimpse of hope for the future, a hand in the dark. But Morgaine could give him that. And Severus knew that she would not let him down.

~ ~ ~

Yes, I had known. From the first time Severus had opened his mind to me, I had known that Lily was still in his heart. Just as she had been since the day he had met her. After all these years, she was still there, haunting him.