XXI: Found and Lost Again

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Thanks to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

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Chapter XXI: Found and Lost Again

Severus left Malfoy Manor without saying goodnight to anyone and Apparated directly to the Leaky Cauldron, where he picked up a bottle of Firewhisky at the bar and went straight up to his room. He didn't even bother to light a fire or even a candle. He just let himself fall into one of the armchairs in front of the empty fireplace and poured himself a glass.

He was sure that he wouldn't be missed. Morgaine had seemed to be enjoying herself rather well without him. He frowned. He had expected more from her. How could she let herself be charmed so easily by a man as slippery as Lucius Malfoy? But then again, who could resist him?

Severus himself had once admired Lucius, the good-looking, sophisticated, eloquent, powerful wizard who was everything Severus had wanted to be. Lucius had taken him under his wing when they had been at Hogwarts, and Severus had gladly done everything Lucius asked of him. And when he had realised that Lucius never did anything without an ulterior motive, that he always put himself first and that he would literally step over dead bodies to get what he wanted, it had already been too late. Lucius had already introduced him to the Dark Lord, and he had already become tangled up in the web of Darkness.

And now, Lucius had sunk his fangs into Morgaine. Severus clenched his fists. How could she be so stupid? Couldn't she see beyond the pretty façade? Didn't she realise that Lucius was only trying to gain her trust in order to use her? And what the hell had Lucius meant when he had said that Morgaine would be useful one day? Useful for what? It must have something to do with the fact that she was Dumbledore's great-granddaughter. Was Lucius planning to use her to get to the old man?

Severus poured himself another glass. He intended to drain the whole bottle before morning. He just wanted to forget about tonight. He wanted to forget Lucius' insinuations, the way he had looked at Morgaine and, most of all, the way Morgaine had looked at Lucius. Because seeing her in the arms of Lucius Malfoy had awoken feelings in Severus which he didn't quite know how to handle. He felt jealous, disappointed, hurt, everything at once, and he didn't know how to react.

He had already emptied half the bottle of Firewhisky when there was a knock on his door. He knew that it was Morgaine. Who else would knock at his door in the middle of the night? In a hoarse and raspy voice, he told her to enter.

She slipped soundlessly into the room and settled down in the chair opposite him. Since he hadn't bothered lightning any candles, Severus couldn't see her face in the dark. But he could feel her eyes on him.

'I guess you had your reasons for leaving,' Morgaine stated after a while.

'I did not think I would be missed,' he answered, his voice just a tad more bitter than he had intended it to be. 'You seemed to be enjoying yourself rather well, and I did not want to disturb you and Lucius.'

'I wish you had. Lucius is rather possessive. It wasn't easy to get away.' Morgaine sounded tired, but Severus was not in the mood to react to her feelings; his bitterness was getting the better of him.

'Then you did not find the invitation to his bedroom tempting?'

'I beg your pardon?'

Severus couldn't quite make out whether Morgaine sounded amused or upset, so he decided to push the matter further.

'Lucius Malfoy is one of the most influential wizards alive, and he certainly showed an interest in you tonight. Why would you not take your chance to advance in society?'

'By sleeping with him?' Now Morgaine definitely sounded upset.

'Lucius would gladly have bedded you tonight. He made that quite clear.'

'And that's why you decided to leave? So you wouldn't be in his way?'

Severus chose not to answer. To be honest, he wasn't sure anymore why he had even started to say anything.

'Well, I am very glad that you and Lucius were discussing who I would spend the night with,' Morgaine continued in a mocking voice. 'You hadn't intended asking me about it though, had you?'

'Why would you come with me when you could stay with Lucius Malfoy?'

There, he had said it. He had finally verbalised the feeling that had been bugging him the most all evening. He had never been able to rise to Lucius' standards, and he would always be the one standing in the shadows. Lucius would always get what he wanted while he, Severus, would have to be content with what he was given.

For a while, there was only silence. Severus could feel Morgaine staring at him, but he didn't meet her gaze. He did not even look up when she rose from her chair and took a step closer towards him. When she spoke, he sound of her voice surprised him: it was distant, almost cold.

'If I had any intentions of advancing in society, as you put it so nicely, dear Severus, I would not need the help of the likes of Lucius Malfoy. I have my own family tree to fall back on.'

She certainly had. She was next of kin to Albus Dumbledore, one of the greatest wizards alive.

Yet another reason not to associate with me, Severus thought. I am not good enough for you. You deserve better.

But he would never tell her that.

For a brief moment, he felt Morgaine's mind brush his. Had she sensed his insecurity? Hastily, he fortified his mental barriers, although he knew that it was too late, that she had already read his thoughts.

When she spoke again, her voice had lost its cold tone, but Severus could sense a note of disappointment in it.

'You know, Severus, it would be much easier to stay by your side if you didn't push me away.'

Then he saw her turn, heard her walk towards the door, and he panicked. He couldn't let her go. If he let her go now, she might never come back, and that was one thing he couldn't risk.

He jumped up and cut off her way to the door, surprised by his own agility. He had, after all, consumed half a bottle of Firewhisky.

'Stay.'

He saw her straighten and felt her eyes on him once more. 'Give me a reason, Severus. Just one.'

'I need you tonight, Morgaine.'

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, and his body responded immediately to her warmth. He wanted her, he needed her. He buried one hand in her hair and pulled her into a fierce kiss, crushing her mouth with his. The taste of her lips hadn't changed, they still tasted of honey. He tried to coax her lips open with his tongue, but felt her stiffen in his arms. Slightly startled, he let go off her, bracing himself for being slapped in the face. He hadn't been fair tonight, he had said stupid things which he now regretted, and if Morgaine decided to leave, he would understand. But he desperately hoped that she would stay.

She didn't slap him, and she didn't leave. For a moment, she just looked at him with those blue eyes that held so much warmth and understanding, and Severus felt his knees go weak. Then he felt her hands on his back, felt himself being pulled into a tight embrace.

'If you even for a second believed that I would fall for Lucius Malfoy, then you are an idiot, Severus Snape,' she whispered into his ear, and the sensation of her breath against his neck sent shivers down his spine.

When she placed the first kiss on his neck, Severus was lost. He pushed Morgaine up against the wall, kissing her, touching her, his whole body screaming for her embrace. He did not even have the patience to undo the laces of her dress but just ripped it open and let it drop to the floor. It didn't matter.

The warmth of her body almost drove him insane, and he could not hold back. He heard her sharp intake of breath as he thrust upwards, and for a brief moment, he considered pausing, carrying her to the bed and doing this properly. But the way her skin felt against his and the taste of her lips made it impossible to have any coherent thoughts. He felt her hot breath against his skin, her nails on his back, and when she screamed out his name, Severus knew for certain that Morgaine was his, his alone.

~ ~ ~

When Severus awoke the next morning, he had no idea how he had ended up in his bed. There were actually a couple of things he didn't remember clearly. The half bottle of Firewhisky he had drunk might have had something to do with it.

He rolled over to his side to pull Morgaine into his arms, but as he reached out for her, all his hands could seize were the empty bed sheets. Abruptly, he opened his eyes. The sheets were still warm, still smelling of sandalwood and honey, but they were empty.

'Pity you woke up. You looked so peaceful.'

Severus sat up in a swift movement and turned his head in the direction from where her voice had come. Morgaine was sitting on the faraway edge of the bed with her head resting against the bedpost, knees drawn up towards her chin. Thank heavens, she was still there.

Severus moved towards her, reached out to pull her into an embrace, and that was when he saw the bruises on her arms. His heart skipped a beat. He didn't remember much about last night. Had he hurt her?

She must have seen the confused look in his eyes. 'It wasn't you,' she said and smiled faintly as she pulled the blanket over her bruised wrists.

Severus felt the rage build up inside his chest. 'Malfoy?' he spat.

Morgaine started chewing her lip. 'As I said, Lucius is rather possessive. He didn't like the idea of me going after you.'

Severus leaped out of bed and grabbed his clothes. In his mind, he was already at Malfoy Manor, Cruciating the living daylights out of Lucius. But Morgaine held him back.

'There is no need to avenge me, Severus,' she said, looking straight into his eyes. 'I have grown up. This time, I knew how to defend myself.'

~ ~ ~

I never told Severus what happened after he had left Malfoy Manor. This was my battle, and I had to fight it alone.

I got away with some bruises that night. But if I ever thought that I would not have to pay for my deceit, I was sadly mistaken.

~ ~ ~

They returned to Hogwarts the same afternoon. During the whole journey, Morgaine was unusually quiet, and the expression on her face was unusually severe. Or at least it was when she thought that Severus wasn't looking. He had been trying to make her look at him ever since he had sat down opposite her on the train, but she kept her eyes on her hands which lay folded in her lap. Now and then, she met his gaze for a moment and smiled, but the smile never reached her eyes.

Severus tried to convince himself that she was just tired. After all, neither of them had gotten a lot of sleep that New Year's night. But he didn't really believe in it himself, and he couldn't help but wonder if there was something that she was not telling him.

When they entered the castle, Dumbledore greeted them outside the Great Hall, wishing them a Happy New Year. The look Morgaine shot her great-grandfather made Severus flinch, but Dumbledore didn't seem to notice. In fact, he embraced Morgaine in the usual hearty way, and Severus started to wonder if he was imagining things.

~ ~ ~

Dumbledore knew. He must have known. He knew what happened to my mother, he knew why I had been born, and he knew why the Death Eaters had not wanted to let either of us go. And he let it happen.

And again, Dumbledore just let it happen.