Chapter 46

The next day Severus went to talk to Minerva about using the private potions lab again. She, of course, told him it was his any time.

He looked over the information he'd gathered at the Ministry and then checked the stores of ingredients. Each time he climbed the ladder to look for something, he saw many wondrous things. Albus probably had collected more ingredients in one place than any other in the world. There had been more to the man than even Severus had known.

He met Hermione in the Great Hall for lunch. He didn't take her hand, but she didn't mind. Yesterday's lovemaking and his words afterwards had given her enough comfort for the time being. She was confident that he would not leave her now. She could see more of the Severus she'd married in his eyes, and she really had loved the whole man. His snarkiness was something she loved about him.

Hermione followed him to where Albus and Scorpius were sitting. They hadn't let separate houses strain their friendship. They alternated between their house tables, and their actions had encouraged other students from different houses to form friendships. The tables were no longer strictly one house, and Hermione knew that Minerva was happy about it. Things needed to change after the war. She was proud of Albus and Scorpius for leading the way.

Severus stopped behind the boys and told them, "I will need your help this afternoon." He saw the curiosity on their faces, but he only said, "Please, come to the Headmisstress' lab after your last class today." His voice was emotionless.

Albus and Scorpius nodded and said, "Yes, sir." They'd hoped Severus would be back to normal again. It was a little disappointing that he wasn't. They watched him proceed to the staff table with Hermione.

"Severus, how are you?" Poppy asked. She reached for her goblet and took a sip of the cold water.

"I am well," he said, as he reached for some pumpkin juice.

"Any progress?" Her eyes traveled over to Hermione's, and she saw pink travel up the woman's face. Ahhh, she thought, that is progress.

"Some," Severus said simply. "Are you going to let me eat, old woman, or are you going to give me the third degree?" He smirked.

Poppy grinned. "That's the Severus I know and love...nasty humor abounds. You're doing good, Hermione," she said, looking past Severus. "He's already got some cracks in the wall."

"You daft woman, keep your tongue. We are among the staff," he hissed.

"Don't you get nasty with me, Severus. You know I can get my revenge the next time you come in for care."

Hermione stifled a giggle at Poppy's tone. Obviously, this was old banter between them.

Severus glared her into silence.

They ate the rest of their meal in silence. Severus noted that other staff members were watching him curiously, as if confused by the re-emergence of his former self. He finally had enough and got up and walked out, leaving Hermione and Poppy to giggle some more.

As Hermione walked her back to the infirmary, Poppy murmured, "You have the right attitude, Hermione. Take as much as he will give, and give as much as you always have. No man could not respond to the love you have. I've seen Severus through many instances of this wall. I can see the cracks in this one already. It used to be months, sometimes years, before anyone could get through to him. Mostly it was Albus who managed to crack the wall away. Severus has been hurt so much in his life. With you, he has learned to trust and to give freely of himself. I think this wall was an automatic response. Never think he wanted to pull back from you. You are his life and breath. The regression the wall produces in him seriously handicaps his ability to interact with people. It's a survival mechanism. Once he's back, he can chose to go into his own mind and dismantle the wall for good." They parted at the door to the infirmary, and Hermione walked slowly back to their rooms.

Severus was sitting in the chair by the fire. "Where have you been?" he demanded.

Hermione chose to ignore him. She went to the loo and then grabbed her papers for her next class.

Severus was standing in her way. "I asked where you were."

Hermione flashed him a look. "I choose not to answer. Severus, you cannot treat me like a child. I am a woman and a professional. I deserve your respect."

He turned away. "Suit yourself. I don't really care where you were."

"That's childish," Hermione said as she went from their rooms into the classroom.

Severus glared after her, grabbed his cloak, and went through the Floo too Minerva's office. From there, he went into the lab.

The two boys came when they were told, and Severus told them a little about the new potions he had discovered and what he expected them to do to help him. They were a bit wary of Severus; but out of respect, they didn't push him.

Severus sent them to their dormitories around 9:30 to do their homework. He stayed in the lab until nearly 3 a.m. to make some notes and read some of the material he'd collected. When he finally returned to their rooms, Hermione was in bed asleep. He stood looking down at her for a while. He saw the tear stains on her face and felt another crack appear in the wall. He undressed and crawled into the bed and pulled his wife close.

When Severus woke, he found Hermione gone. Then he realized the shower was going. A few minutes later, he heard the door open. Hermione entered the room dressed and ready to leave for breakfast.

She nodded to him, not sure what to say. She'd woken against him, but he hadn't been holding her. Feeling awkward, she'd gotten up and went to prepare for her day. She asked, "Are you coming to breakfast with me?"

"Yes." He got up and used his wand to clean and dress himself, so as not to keep her waiting.

They left their rooms, and Severus held the door to the classroom open for Hermione as she stepped into the corridor. As they made their way down the hallway, he told her, "I would like to talk to you tonight about the bonding. Will you make sure you are in our rooms by 8:30?"

Hermione felt her heart skip a beat. She was suddenly afraid he did not want the bonding. She felt his hand at her elbow as they climbed the stairs to the main floor. Then his hand left her arm at the top of the stairs. Afraid her voice would not work, she whispered, "I'll be there."

At breakfast, they sat in silence. Severus was busy with his own thoughts, and Hermione was creating all sorts of terrible scenarios, fearing that Severus was going to tell her he didn't want the bond. She became so upset that her stomach began to churn. She got up and left quickly. Poppy, who had been watching the two with concern, followed after Hermione.

Severus started to get up but sat back when she glared at him. He shrugged, seemingly indifferent.

Poppy found Hermione heaving in a cubical in the women's restroom. She got a cool, wet towel and bathed Hermione's face. "Come sit on the lounge chair and rest. Is this the pregnancy or something else?" She could see the woman's hands shaking.

"Oh, God." Hermione tried to smile. "Probably both," she said as tears filled her eyes.

Poppy gathered her against her and held her. "What's happened? What did he say?"

Hermione held the medi-witch tightly, wishing for her mother, but she was feeling close to Poppy, and was grateful for her support.

"He got angry because I wouldn't tell him why I was so late after lunch. I didn't want to tell him we'd been talking about him." She told Poppy what he had said.

"Why didn't you just answer him?" Poppy said softly, trying to soothe her.

Hermione said, "I won't be treated like that. He has to respect me and know that I wouldn't be off doing something wrong. His indifference hurt me worse."

"Hermione, I thought you understood about the wall. He's not himself."

"But we made love the night before. He wanted me. Why is he this hard, demanding man, again?"

Poppy smiled sadly at the younger woman. "Honey, he's a man. He desires you, of course, but he's not emotionally connected to you. The part of him that adores you is locked behind that wall. It will take time. You really are making progress." She sat down on the lounge by Hermione's feet. "Do you remember Severus when you were a child? He was hard and nasty. When Harry came here, he was reminded of the way James and Sirius treated him all those years earlier. Then Voldemort reappeared, and Albus pressed Severus into service again. He retreated behind that wall and stayed there nearly the entire time you were here. It was dreadful. Those were hard, dark days for him. Only in the summers at the cabin would he finally find the peace and freedom to just be himself.

"Hermione, the Severus you released from the bubble was Severus without the wall, so relaxed and free. It was a miracle to see him happy with you. It will happen again, but you have to be patient and open with him."

"But tonight, if he doesn't want me or the baby..." Hermione dissolved into tears again.

Poppy sighed. "You're creating scenarios in your head that may not even have occurred to him. Just be there to talk to him, and don't become emotional if possible. He just can't understand a lot of emotion right now. It will only make him draw further way."

There was a knock at the door, "Hermione, are you okay," Severus called.

Poppy looked Hermione in the eye. "Talk to him now. Make him tell you what he wants." She patted Hermione's hand and then stood.

As Poppy opened the door, Hermione gathered her strength and sat up straighter.

Poppy stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her. "I thought we agreed you would not stress her out."

Severus tried to sidestep her. "Damn it, Severus." She grabbed his arm. "Do you want her to lose this baby?"

Severus said tightly, "I already answered that question."

"She's terrified as to what you want to talk to her about tonight."

Severus sighed. "I only want to talk to her about not waiting for the bond."

Poppy sighed and grabbed his arm. "I'm going to ask Minerva to find Hermione a sub for first hour. Get in there and talk to her, now!"

"It's the women's lavatory!" he protested.

Poppy gave him a disgusted look, waved her wand at the door, and an "Out of Order" sign appeared on the door. "Now go," she commanded.

"Yes, Mum," he said sarcastically, glaring at her.

Poppy glared back. "Make it right."

He stepped into the room and shut the door without looking back.

Hermione was sitting up on a lounge. Her arms were around her legs, her head was resting on her knees, and she was rocking back and forth.

Severus cleared the glare from his face and seemed taken aback by her pain. Why can't she just go with things? Why did she have to read into everything I say as a rejection or a bad thing? He was stumped. All I asked was to talk to her.She did not look up at him, but he could tell by the way her body drew into itself that she knew he was there.

He sat down on the end of the lounge and softly called her name.

She sniffled but did not try to talk. He took a handkerchief from a pocket inside his robes and nudged her hand with it. She looked up at him with a tear-stained face and then took the offered cloth and wiped her face and nose.

Severus stared around him at the very feminine restroom decorations and grimaced.

"I am sorry if I was vague this morning. I only felt the subject would garner some time, and I felt it best accomplished in our rooms once the day was done." He spoke slowly and tried hard not to be harsh in anyway.

Hermione sniffed and raised her head to look at him. She didn't trust herself to speak.

"I have already told you that you are mine and that no one had better try to take you from me. Why would you think I would want to send you away? Why would you think I do not want this baby?"

"I am not a possession, Severus," she whispered.

He nodded. "I know that. This is very hard. I do not have the words to explain the attachment I have with you because my emotions are nearly disabled right now. It does not mean that I do not want you with me. You are my wife."

"Wives are easily gotten rid of in the Muggle world." She wiped at her tears.

Severus grabbed her hand and held it gently but firmly. "I do not want to get rid of you. I can see you are confused, hurt, and scared by what is happening to me. I wanted to help relieve your fears. I want us to go through with the bonding."

Hermione's eyes filled with more tears, and they ran down her face. Severus felt like screaming. He thought he'd stated this all very simply. How could she be hurt more?

But then a tiny smile played at the corner of her lips. "You want to bond with me, now, like you are?"

He brought her hand to his lips to kiss her fingers. Suddenly, he had a sobbing witch on his lap, and he held her lightly, his body stiff with the sudden emotional bath. Then he forced his muscles to relax, and he held her close. The wall cracked even more.

She let sobs of relief wrack her body for a time, and then she just rested against him. Her craving to have him physically close was relieved.

"I'm sorry, Severus. The hormones and the strangeness of all this has me turning summersaults inside. One moment I'm fine, and the next I'm literally screaming with my need to have the Severus I know here with me. Having a baby is a scary thing, and I need your support."

Severus pushed the hair away from her face, and some of the damp strands stuck to her skin.

"I realize this more now than I did this morning. I do not know the words to explain what I feel right now, but I know that we need the bond to help put your fears to rest. It's not only for you, Hermione. I need the anchor of knowing I have you to come home to."

She looked up into his face and saw fear deep in his eyes; of course he was scared. The wall was a mask for his fears. It always had been. It kept him from pain, hurt, and the agony of loneliness and rejection. She reached up to caress his cheek. "I'm sorry, Severus. I will try harder not to misread your intentions. You're right: A true magical bonding would help."

He nodded and gently extracted himself from under her. As he did, he drew her to her feet. "Finish your classes today. I will go work in the lab. Tonight we will go see Arthur and Molly. If it's possible, I would like to have the ceremony Saturday."

"Saturday! What about the dresses, flowers, and food? It takes a lot of work and planning."

"Are we not wizards and witches? It can be handled easily. Now pick your closest friends. I do not want the whole wizarding world invited. Please, let's make it small." His eyes beseeched her to give him this assurance.

"Alright, Severus. I promise it will be small."

He nodded. "Why don't you wash your face and repair your make-up. I will go down to your class and relieve the sub."

Hermione smiled. "Thank you, Severus."

He bent and placed a kiss on her cheek. Then he let his cheek rest against her a moment before turning and heading out of the women's restroom. He took a deep breath when he closed the door behind him. He flicked his wand at the door, and the sign vanished. Feeling a bit more settled, he headed downstairs. His mind was already planning the day's experiments.

Hermione washed her face and took her make-up from a tiny box in her pocket. After expanding it, she repaired her damaged face. Staring into her own eyes, she saw relief and excitement about the upcoming bond. She started to mentally tick off the people she would like to invite and then she realized that there were a lot. Her colleagues and friends made a pretty big group...well, goodness, even the Weasleys alone made a pretty good size group. She felt her stomach twist again. What had Severus meant by small? Fifty might be small to her, and ten might be small to him. Hermione mentally kicked herself. She would not worry about this until after talking to Severus. She examined her face in the mirror and decided it was time to go back to work.

The day passed, and Hermione found that Severus had managed to arrive for dinner in the Great Hall on time. He gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek as he took a seat beside her. Any display of physical attention made her feel good. Those who'd witnessed this morning's emotional tension relaxed and went back to eating.

Severus asked, "How was your day?"

"Good," she said. "How was yours?"

Minerva, who was sitting close, glanced at Poppy and rolled her eyes. "At least they are talking," she whispered with a snort.

Severus pretended not to hear her, but turned to address her, "Minerva, Hermione and I are going to talk to Arthur and Molly tonight. We will take the Floo in our quarters. I do not know when we will return. There is much to discuss."

"Discuss?" Minerva asked as Poppy leaned in to hear.

Hermione looked at Severus, and he nodded for her to tell them.

"Severus wants to go forward with the bonding on Saturday."

"Saturday!" Poppy and Minerva said in unison.

"That's only a few days away!" Poppy exclaimed.

"Arthur assured us Molly would be happy to have it in her garden. We just need to see if they are available. It's going to be small." Hermione glanced at Severus. "I was thinking thirty to fifty people."

"Thirty to Fifty!" He gulped, but seeing the fear return to Hermione's eyes he said, "That's fine. But please draw the line close to there."

Hermione relaxed and nodded. "I will do my best." She laughed. "The Weasleys make up a good fifteen or more by themselves. Then there are staff members and a few friends."

"I would like to invite Draco, Pansy, and of course Scorpius," Severus announced.

Hermione reached out to cover his hand. "I think that would be nice. Do you have other friends I need to add to the list?"

Severus shook his head. "No, I think that's all the ones I know who are free to come." He left that unspoken name between them.

An idea formed in the back of Hermione's mind, and she started to make plans of her own.

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Lisa, thank you so much for getting this chapter to me so quickly. I could not do this without you.

My hope is that we will get this story completely posted by the end of the year.