Chapter 17

This story becomes very adult in later chapters. Minors, please do not read this story.

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Severus was sitting in a chair by the fire when Hermione finally came back. It had been several long hours, and he'd nearly been jumping out of his skin wondering if he should go check on her. But he needed to let her have her freedom.

"How was work?" he asked. He noted with a sadness he could not explain that she did not come to kiss him.

"There was a lot," she said. "Are we going to dinner in the Great Hall?" she asked, placing a stack of papers she'd brought with her on the table.

"I thought you might want to stay in tonight. Spend some time alone?" he said.

"I think we should go see everyone. They know we're back, Severus," she said, not looking at him. "I don't want to stay long. I have a lot of papers to correct tonight."

"Must it be done tonight?" he asked in a low, deep voice. He stood and went to hold her, and she felt stiff in his arms. "Hermione, please tell me what's wrong."

"I'm not ready," was all she said as she pulled away from him. "I can't get the images of his hands out of my mind."

"I can take them out if you want," he offered, trying to help. Then he cringed when Hermione looked at him with horror.

"Promise you won't mess with my mind, no matter what happens, Severus." She moved away to grab a warmer cloak for the trip through the drafty dungeon to the dinning hall.

He stepped back as if slapped and said angrily, "I would never do that without your permission. You have to know that, Hermione."

Tears filled her eyes and she said, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, tell me what's wrong, and tell me how to help you," he said in exasperation.

"I can't talk about it...not yet, Severus," she said. "I'm going. Are you coming with me?"

He grabbed his cloak and pulled it on and ran after her.

Dinner was odd. Hermione chattered with everyone like it was a normal day, and Severus sat quietly and watched her. He caught Poppy's eye and frowned at her. She, too, was watching the too cheerful Hermione with consternation.

After dinner, they milled around until everyone had left. Severus heard Hermione sigh, and her shoulders slumped. She said, "I guess we need to go back. I do have that work."

Severus followed her and was beginning to get the picture. She was afraid to be alone with him here. At the hospital, she had stayed glued to his side. She'd felt safe there, knowing he would not ask her to make love to him while there.

He felt his heart constrict with pain as he realized she was afraid of him. He felt rage and wished he could pound Lucius to a pulp. His beautiful, open, loving Hermione was changed. She was afraid to give of herself, afraid of being touched intimately.

When they got back to their rooms, she went directly to the table and spread her work out. "Why don't you go to bed, Severus," she suggested to him. "I will only work a little while, and then I will join you."

He kneeled down next to her and placed a hand on her knee, feeling her tense. "I will not ask of you something you are not ready to give, Hermione."

He saw the stricken look on her face. She hadn't even put the thoughts into words in her own mind. She turned to him and wrapped her arms around his neck and cried against the top of his head.

"I'm sorry," she stammered between sob and gulps of air. "I didn't think at first that he'd harmed me. Here, alone with you, I realized I can't give you what you deserve, what we've been waiting for, Severus. Damn Lucius, will we never get him out from between us? I only see a dark tunnel in front of me."

"Give it some time, Hermione. You need to go talk to Poppy. Maybe she will know someone who can help you, if she can't. Please think about it. Now come to bed. I promise I will only hold you, like we did at the hospital. I can't stand to see you in pain."

He felt wet tears run down his own cheeks.

She sagged against him, and he stood, picked her up, and carried her to bed. With his wand he changed their clothes, and he pulled the warm covers over them. She turned away from him but let him hold her close, spooned against her back, and they slept.

*****

The next day, Hermione started teaching again. Since Severus was no longer tied to her, he stayed in their room at her request. By the end of the day, he was nearly stir crazy.

She came in late, and they went to dinner. The night pretty much repeated itself. By the end of the week, Severus was very disheartened. She could no longer bear to have him touch her in the bed, and when he woke she was sleeping on the edge as far away as she could. She wouldn't talk to him and rarely spoke to him when they were in private.

Friday night, she volunteered for hall duty, and Severus sat alone. He decided to go talk to Poppy since Hermione wouldn't go herself.

He walked into the empty infirmary and knocked on the door to her rooms.

"Come in," he heard her voice call. When she saw him, she stood and came to give him a hug.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, indicating the chair across from her by the fire.

He rubbed his face with his hand and sat with a sigh. "She's pulling further and further away. She barely lets me touch her. I can't help her, and she won't admit anymore that there's a problem."

Poppy shook her head sadly. "Severus, it's going to get worse. They are letting Scorpius come back to school Monday. He's like a mirror image of Lucius."

Severus had stood and gone to stand by the fire. His fists were clinched at his side. "I wish in a way I was still invisible. I could follow the bastard around and make sure he wasn't plotting anything. I've been so worried about Hermione that I haven't had time to hunt Draco down and feel him out about the situation. I can't seem to make myself leave Hermione right now. I've gotten so used to being with her that even being in our rooms while she is in the classroom is driving me to distraction."

"Severus," Poppy said, coming to stand near him and taking one of his hands in hers, "you need to give Hermione time and space. I will talk to her. We will have to make her take some steps toward healing. Ask Albus Potter to keep an eye on her in class. There are a few others I know that we can trust to keep a look out on her. You need to make a life for yourself. Let her see that you can work also. You might ask her if she wants you to take separate quarters for now."

"No, I can't leave her," he nearly shouted, agonized at the possibility.

"You may have to," she said sternly.

"I love her; I need to be there for her. Do I force her to accept my touch? I'm afraid to touch her for fear she will send me away, and I'm afraid not to touch her for fear she will think I don't want her. She won't talk to me. I'm scared. Really terrified I'm losing her... just when I thought things were going to be wonderful." Hot tears stung his eyes, and he turned away from Poppy, ashamed of his emotion.

She gathered him in her arms, and he found himself crying on her shoulder.

"I have tried to stay away from love. It always hurts, Poppy. When I fell in love with Hermione, I thought that I could finally be happy. What happens if she leaves me? I can't live life like I had been. It tears my soul apart. It's a horrible pain."

"Listen to me, Severus. For now, do not even consider this possibility. Hermione loves you. This isn't about you. It's about the fears she has from her attack. Sometimes it's not even rape that causes the pain. Just the fear of being out of control and the physical danger can be as traumatizing, for her, as the near rape it self. You have to let go of your own anger about this and just be there to support her. If she cries, hold her. She may want to pull away mentally, but physically she needs to know you will love her no matter what she says or does. Encourage her to talk. Never tell her that her feelings aren't valid. There is no right or wrong here. She's feeling out of control, and I bet she knows it. But she's spinning out of control and doesn't know how to pull herself out of it. Maybe I can get her to use a potion that will even her feelings and help her regain control."

"Please, Poppy, try. I can't stand to see her like this. She was such a beautiful, vital woman before this." He pulled away, passing a sleeve of his robe over his face.

"You need something of your own, Severus. Why don't you help Filch, like Minerva suggested. In that position, you could keep a closer eye on Scorpius. Some substitution would be good as well. Hermione may be freaking out over leaving you to just sit. Maybe if you start to work, it will help both of you."

"What if we guess wrong? What if she thinks I'm leaving her behind and going on about my life?" Severus asked in near panic.

"Severus, I know you don't like to talk about your feelings. I know she's not talking to you. But she has to hear you if you tell her point blank. It has to sink into her brain. Don't let a day go by without telling her you love her and that you are here for her. And stick with it; don't let your hurt feelings draw you away," she encouraged him. "Cry if you need to cry with her. Let her see that her pain hurts you; you don't always have to be strong. Maybe the love she has for you will help pull her out of this. Most of all, give her time. Time doesn't always heal all wounds, but it helps distance them."

Severus thanked her and walked up to Minerva's apartment and spoke to her about the work. She seemed happy that he was going to help Filch out and be available for some special lessons and substitutions. "Severus, I always meant to have you take my place. Filius really does not want to do the job. He was going to take it as senior teacher here. But he's has intimated to me that you could take the job now that you're here. What do you think?"

"Ask me in a few months. Things will hopefully be better for Hermione and me, and we will have a better idea if she can stay here with Scorpius back." He thanked her for her time and set off back to his room.

The room was quiet and dark when he got back, and he found Hermione sitting on the front end of the couch with her knees drawn up and starring into the flames. Her fist was in her mouth, trying to stifle sobs. He slipped in behind her and put his arms around her, and she did not draw away.

"Where were you? Why did you leave?" she asked. "I felt so lost."

He told her where he had been. He tried to keep any emotion from his voice.

"I'm sorry. I feel like I'm going to fly apart, Severus. I'm not sure I can handle this job."

"Let me help you, Hermione. Let me work with you like before. You know I want to be here for you." He got to his feet and drew her to hers, and fear flashed in her eyes. He saw her glance at the bed.

"Come let's go see Poppy. She can help. Please, Hermione. I hate to see you in this pain."

She nodded, holding onto his hand tightly. They got cloaks and set about walking the same path Severus had gone on earlier. He felt a tiny bit of encouragement that she was holding tightly to him.

Poppy came to her door this time and smiled warmly at them. She invited them in, made some tea, and checked Hermione over.

"Your blood pressure is up a bit, and your heart rate is a little high. That's to be expected since you're so tense right now. Hermione, I'm going to suggest a potion. It's very mild. Try it for a few days. It will help calm your nerves. We can easily make it stronger if you need it to be." She handed her a bottle and a dropper. "Just two drops in your morning tea. It should help. Please let me know if I can do anything else. I'm here to listen at any time, and I know Minerva would be, too. We've lived a lot of years and have experience dealing with people."

Hermione nodded. "I know. I should have come right away. I'm just so out of control. I want something, and I don't know what it is."

"It's your peace of mind, dear. I'm afraid that can't be given: You have to learn to let others help. With us all working together, we might be able to restore it. Severus, can you go to my storeroom and get the lavender soap. It might be something else that will help."

Severus nodded and went to get the soap. Knowing it was a ploy to get him out of the way, he took his time looking over Poppy's shelves, making a few notes on what she was low on.

Poppy took Hermione's hands and drew her into a motherly hug, and Hermione allowed herself to cry again. "All I do is cry," she sobbed. "I don't want Severus to think it's his fault, so I try to hold it in."

The old witch rolled her eyes, knowing Hermione couldn't see them. "Hermione, you are both so afraid to tell each other what you're feeling. You're both scared out of your minds about offending the other. Severus loves you, and he admits it. You can't imagine how huge a step that is for him. He's scared senseless that you will push him away."

"He may not want me now. I'm damaged goods. Maybe someone else would be better."

Poppy gasped. She pushed Hermione back a bit so she could look into her eyes. "Listen to me, he loves you. Severus has only loved one other person in his life, and you knew that. Now he loves you. He will never take that chance again if you hurt him. He's very willing to let you go through what you need to however long it takes, Hermione. Please do not push him away, please."

Hermione nodded. "Do you really think that's what he wants?"

"I know that's what he wants. He would rather be back in that bubble oblivious to life than lose you."

"I am disappointing him daily. I can't let him touch me, intimately. I just keep feeling Lucius' hands hurting me and touching me in places he had no right to touch."

"Give it some time. Let Severus love you. He can be a most patient man."

Hermione suddenly giggled; it almost felt hysterical. She clamped her hand over her mouth. "I never thought of him as patient."

"No one would, seeing his gruff exterior. But he was an excellent spy, and patience is one of a spy's main tools. He worked in the background, waiting sometimes years for things to be set in motion. He can be very patient, Hermione."

The door opened, and Hermione stepped away from Poppy and turned to Severus with a wan smile. "You ready to go?"

"Yes. Poppy, I noticed you're low on a few things. Perhaps I can do those potions for you this next week."

Poppy nodded. "Thank you, Severus. Now you two go get some sleep. Sleep as long as you can tomorrow. You're still healing and need the rest. Take an afternoon walk, and get some sun if possible."

Severus hugged the medi-witch and said, "Thank you."

Hermione echoed him.

Severus held out his hand, and Hermione laced her fingers through his. They slowly made their way back to their rooms.

"Thank you, Severus." she said in almost a whisper.

He raised their fingers so he could press a kiss against her knuckles. "I'm here, Hermione. I'm not going anywhere. I cannot imagine my life without you."

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't be sorry; just let us help you get better. I do not want anything from you that you cannot give. Please don't fear me for that reason."

They entered the classroom and went through to their rooms.

"I will try not to," she replied.

She took her cloak off and went to the bathroom. But this time, he did not hear the door lock behind her. She came out a little later dressed for bed. The gown was kind of a flannel thing, but it was cut nicely. He saw that she was nervous. He'd changed while she was in the bathroom and now wore a nightshirt that went to mid-shin.

"Please, just let me hold you. That's all I want or need right now." He beckoned to her by patting the bed.

She took a deep breath and climbed past him and slipped under the covers. He crawled in behind her and reached out for her. "Can I pull you close?" he asked before touching her.

She nodded and felt his arms go around her. She closed her eyes and tried hard not to tremble against him.

He laid very still, his hand caressing her hair ever so gently. Finally he realized she was sleeping, and he let himself sleep too.

Shrill screams woke him in the middle of the night, and Hermione was thrashing about the bed. He was trying to catch her hands in the dark as she hit at him. "No, no, don't touch me. Please, Lucius, don't do this, please!"

"Hermione, wake up." Severus shook her a bit, turning her toward him, and her eyes popped open. She pulled away and bounded off the other side of the bed. He heard her grab for her wand.

Severus grabbed his wand, "Expelliarmus, Lumos," he shouted. He heard her wand fly away. "Hermione, it's Severus. Lucius isn't here."

"Oh, God," she cried, realizing she'd almost hexed him. "I can't do this, Severus. You have to go. I might have killed you," she cried.

"I can't go. I won't go," he stated adamantly.

"Go, damn it. Get out of here. I can't stand seeing your face, please go." She collapsed on the bed.

Stung by her words and not wanting her to hurt herself, he got his cloak and left the room.

Don't kill me for this one cliffhanger. I promise it gets resolved in the next chapter...so breathe. LOL

Lisa, thank you so much for the awesome beta job you are doing. I appreciate your help so very much.

Becky, thank you for pre-reading each chapter and for your opinions.