Chapter 44

Hermione had been lying in bed for at least and hour before Severus came to their rooms. She hadn't been able to fall asleep. Her mind was buzzing with all the possibilities.

She sat up when he came in and watched him struggle with his cloak.

"Severus, will you let me help?" she asked, knowing he was aware that she was awake.

"Yes," he said. "I need to bathe. The stench of that place is not as bad as it was, but it will take time for the Aurors to really clean it up.

She crawled from the bed and slowly unbuttoned his shirt, trying to draw comfort from his need of her help and the warmth of his flesh as her fingers undid each button. She drew the shirt from his shoulders, and only the fact that he felt dirty made her not attempt to press her lips against him. She meant to break that wall down with her love as quickly as he would allow it.

He tried to undo his own belt and couldn't. He stood stiff before her as she released the spring lock that held it in place.

"Can you manage while I go fill the tub?"

He nodded. The scent of her so close had called to his inner self. He kicked his shoes off and toed off his socks. He let his pants fall to the floor and then stepped out of them. He seemed to be watching himself from another place. It was like standing on a balcony looking down at his life. He stood in his boxers and finally made himself move toward the bathroom. After all, this woman had seen him naked; he could handle her seeing him in underwear.

Hermione was bent over the tub, testing the heat of the water with her hand. He ogled her bottom. She is a beautiful woman, he thought. But his inner self cringed at the lust in his thoughts, and he said, "Can I have privacy?"

Hermione stood, nodding. "Of course, Severus. Please call me if you want your back washed."

She slipped past him. Her hair fragrance reached his nose, and he drew in a silent breath. It was so familiar and yet not. He knew in his head what their life had been. He could see it and hear it, but it felt like it belonged to another man. After she shut the door, he struggled to get his boxers off and then stepped carefully into the tub and sank into the hot water with a sigh.

She had left the soap and flannel handy. With some difficulty, he managed to wash everything he could reach. His back did feel grungy, and he sat back for a moment, thinking. Should he skip it or call her in? Finally he called, "Hermione."

She must have been waiting right outside because the door opened almost immediately, and he glanced at the hope in her eyes. He turned away and said, "I cannot do my back."

Hermione was aware that he had not said please. His words were just a statement of fact. She came, took the flannel from him, and said, "Lean forward a bit."

He did as she asked and sat still and stiff as she slowly scrubbed his back. When she went to rinse it off, she slid her fingers down his skin, following the trails of water.

He stiffened a bit but did not tell her to stop, so she rubbed against his tight muscles.

"Please tell me what happened today."

He told her about the Ministry and seeing Harry at the prison. There was no passion in his voice. It was just recitation of the facts. She washed his hair for him, and then she got a big towel. She held it up in front of her. When he stepped from the tub, she wrapped it around his waist, her cheek briefly pressing against his chest. As she turned away, she did not see him close his eyes or the look of desire fleetingly flash across his face like a starving man getting a fine steak.

When he came from the bathroom dressed in his nightshirt, he looked over at her and murmured, "Please go to bed, Hermione. I want to do some reading."

Trying to take some courage from what he had allowed her to do, she nodded and crawled into their bed. She did not sleep but watched him take a book from the shelf and take his chair before the fire. She lay still and let her breathing regulate. When he thought she was asleep, he put the book away and came and crawled into the bed.

When he'd fallen asleep, she slipped over against him, and he instinctively turned toward her and drew her close with his arm. Hermione sighed and fell asleep.

******

The next day, Severus seemed to withdraw even more, and Hermione threw herself into her work. She announced that the potions contest would begin, and there was a flurry of sign-ups. In the following days, the students' theories had come in. Severus barely talked to her on a personal level but worked with her reading through the papers submitted for evaluation. They managed to have some engaging talks about the potions and what ingredients would be needed to be purchased. Severus agreed to procure the things the students would need. Hermione watched him pack a bag one afternoon a few days later.

"When will you be back?" she asked. She helped him close and latch the bag.

"A few days, I think. I want to look into a few libraries for more information on curses like the one I have received. I will be able to also gather the ingredients that are a bit more rare in those towns." He turned away to grab his traveling cloak and struggled to put it on. Hermione grabbed one side ad pulled it over his shoulder.

"Severus, please let me go with you. I can hardly fathom being alone at night."

"It will only be a few days," he said, not even looking at her. He went to pick up the bag.

"You're not coming back, are you?"

There was such raw pain in her voice that he turned and saw tears running down her cheeks.

"Hermione, I will be back. I need this time to think, but it does not mean I want to leave my life here or you." He came closer, but he did not reach out to her. "You are my wife. You are having my child. I promise you I will not abandon my responsibilities."

"Responsibilities... is that all we are to you?" She had paled and grabbed onto the bedpost for support.

He dropped the bag and took her arm rather harshly. "Please, Hermione, give me the time I need to work through this. I know what our life was. I can see each moment of it. But it's like looking at a movie of someone else's life. I will try to be that man for you, again. But right now, I'm just not. Let me go now, and I will return as soon as I can. I promise."

Hermione nodded and threw her arms around him, and he stood stiffly against her. Then he briefly hugged her against him before turning to grab the bag and dive through the Floo, not looking back.

Hermione stared at the green flames until they were gone. She refused to cry again. He'd promised, and one thing she knew about Severus Snape then or now was he was honorable. He would come back.

She turned to get ready for her first class of the day.

The next four days were the longest she'd spent in years. She worked late into the evening with students as they used the labs to practice and test their theories. Some of the teams were waiting for Professor Snape to bring their ingredients, and they hung around making her life at least bearable by their constant chatter and questions.

On the fourth night, Hermione was shrugging off her robe and tossing it over the living room chair when the Floo activated and Severus stepped out. He saw her standing there, and he nodded to her and held out his good arm. She flew into his one-sided embrace and held him close. His body was still tense, yet his arm pulled her close.

"It appears I have missed you," he said against her hair.

"I've missed you, too." She stepped back to peer into his face. He still looked guarded, but his greeting encouraged her. "Did you find the things the students needed?"

He nodded. "Yes, some of them were difficult to locate. I even had to gather a few of them from rather remote places. But the fresh air was good for me."

Hermione helped him removed his cloak and vest. "Do you want to take a bath?"

"Yes, please."

Hermione nodded and went to fill the tub. As before, he wanted his privacy, but he called her again to wash his hair and back. As he relaxed in the warm water, he told her about some of the things he had seen and some of the libraries he'd been given access to. He'd even found a few potions and spells to try.

When he was dried and dressed, she called the kitchen and had some soup and bread sent up for him to eat. She was ladling him a bowl full and looked up to see him watching her.

"Are you okay, Hermione?" He could clearly see that she was exhausted; there were deep, dark circles under her eyes.

"Yes, I'm tired. The students have been harassing me for help, and my classes have been quite exciting now that the contest is in full bloom. I will look forward to you helping me."

He took the bowl from her, set it down, and broke a piece of bread off the loaf. "I'm sorry if I was gone too long."

"I knew you'd come back, Severus. I can't say I slept well or didn't worry about you, but you promised. I've always known you keep your promises."

"Yes, I do. Please sit with me and eat. You look half starved."

She rubbed her sore shoulder and nodded. She got herself a bowl of soup and sat opposite him and ate.

She found she was starving and dug into the food.

"You should take better care of yourself," he said with little emotion.

She froze and felt tears burn at her eyes. "You shouldn't have left me."

He stood, took her hand, and pulled her close. "No, I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this whole thing is hurting you."

She didn't reply but just held him close until she felt him moving away. They sat again in silence and ate their food.

Later they crawled into bed, and Severus lay flat on his back with his body stiff and unyielding. Hermione turned away from him, scooting till her backside touched his hip. When he didn't protest or move away she sighed. "Good night, Severus."

"Goodnight, Hermione." He closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep. But he lay for a long time enjoying the touch of her against him. Another crack appeared in the wall.

The next week was a flurry of activity in the lab, and it was so crowded that Severus let Albus and Scorpius go up to the private lab in the Headmistress' office. He also asked them to help him with some of the potions that he'd found.

So far there had been little relief from the numbness; he had sensation in the tip of his little finger only.

He was quite impressed with Scorpius' and Albus' potion theory, and he secretly hope they would be successful. But he was careful not to suggest or help them in anyway.

He also made sure there was a third student with them in lab when they worked so there would be no speculation if they won the contest. He wanted them to succeed on a selfish level. He wanted to be rid of the scars that itched and marred the surface of his neck and the deep scars across his chest. He knew it was selfish, so he told himself it was for Hermione. She would not have to look at them anymore, but he knew he just wanted them gone. They were a huge reminder of the "death" he had suffered. He told himself that he might be able to break free of the wall and resume his life if the scars were gone. He struggled daily to recapture what he had, and he yearned for the closeness he saw in his mind that they had shared. But he could not force himself to accept more than a hug or a simple touch here or there. Especially on his bare skin, it was nearly unbearable...like a burning pain. He cursed himself every time he saw tears in the eyes of his beautiful wife, and he endured the pain to allow her some small comfort each night as she pressed a part of herself up to him. With their clothing on, it was at the very least an irritant. Part of him cried inside for the intimacy they'd had. His desire for her body was becoming a deep ache inside, and he wondered if she would willingly let him touch her even though his heart was not with hers. So he did not try to reach out for fear she would read too much into the gestures.

Finally the day for the contest judging commenced. Severus and Hermione had contacted a number of Potions masters from the European continent.

The main hall was cleared after breakfast, and tables with cauldrons and ingredients were set out about the room. The 10 teams began their brewing at 10:30 a.m. They would be given four hours to complete the potions, and then the judging would commence.

Each team had to have at least four affected people to willingly take the potion so the judges would be able to gauge the results.

Albus and Scorpius had asked Severus if he would try their potion, but he thought it was inappropriate because he was their teacher. He secretly did not want to chance a breakdown of his emotional barriers in public if the potion was a success and it somehow broke the wall down as well. He promised he would take their potion in private should it prove successful. It was obvious it already worked on small scars. They had tried it out on a number of classmates. But Severus' scars were so deep and so severe that they still did not know if the potion would work for him.

Hermione and Severus paced the hall, staring intermittedly at the door as the judges worked with the students and their subjects. Minerva came every now and then, looking just as anxious. Poppy came as well. She had great hopes that even if the potions proved to be helpful, rather than curing a malady, they could be improved upon by professionals. Finally, they all moved outside.

There were tables out on the large expanse of lawn in front of the main entrance. It was nearly a festival-like atmosphere as people laughed and talked anxiously. They ate snacks, knowing there would be a full meal when the judging was completed in the afternoon.

Hermione sat between Poppy and Minerva and watched Severus, who was striding out across the grass like a prowling lion.

Poppy asked, "Hermione, how are you and Severus doing?"

Hermione sighed. "He is about the same, very remote, but he is trying. He allows me to help him bathe, and he will endure a hug now and then. He talks of the baby on occasion, mostly the education we will be able to give him." She laughed tightly, running her hand through her hair. "I often wondered how it would be to live with Severus as he was before the war. I guess I know now. It isn't so bad."

"And intimacy..." Poppy ventured, a bit embarrassed to ask.

Minerva exchanged a sad look with her over Hermione's head, and the younger woman dipped her head and sighed. "There's been none. It honestly seems to pain him to be touched."

Poppy nodded. "Severus knew only pain back when he needed the walls to protect himself from those around him who would hurt or punish him. The pain isn't really there. It's only in his mind. He expects it. All I can say is, if he gets to the point where he wants a physical relationship and you can handle no emotional connection, please let him. It will break his wall down faster than anything else. He is your husband, and that makes it okay, if your okay with it."

Hermione nodded. She was a bit embarrassed by the turn of the conversation, but she was comforted that it would be okay to be there for him, if only physically. She had qualms about him using her body that way, but having gotten Poppy's advice that this would help him, she let go of her reservations. Inside she had known even if he'd asked and she'd had reservation she would have come to him. She was starved for intimacy with him.

Minerva said, "Hermione, I have never seen a love so deep as you two have. He will be himself again."

Poppy added, "I have seen him fight through those walls a number of times. In the end, they will fall. This time he will be aware, and he can deconstruct them so that it will not happen again."

The door to the castle opened, and silence rang out over the expanse of lawn. Every eye turned their way. The judges came out to the table that had been set out for them, and the five finalist teams took their places.

Hermione was saddened to see that some of the teams she had hoped would be successful were not among those teams.

Severus was suddenly behind Hermione, and he placed his hand on her shoulder for support. Hermione glanced up and saw an anxiousness that was reflected in her eyes.

Minerva stood and went to have a word with the judges. Then she took the podium. "Welcome guests, students, and staff. It is my honor to have you all take part in this Hogwarts' first potions contest. Only three of the remaining five teams will be given honors, and yet all of our teams will be encouraged to continue their work on their ideas. The creation of potions that will benefit our people is a ongoing process that should never stop. I commend all those who have worked hard to be here today. Now, I will allow the judges to make their decisions public. Please give them a warm welcome."

There was a thunderous applause and some whistles and shouts. Hermione smiled and felt Severus' hand tighten gently on her shoulders. She reached up and covered his hand, and he did not stiffen or pull away. He turned and threaded his fingers into hers.

A tall man stood and came forward. He took the podium, and Minerva stood to the side with her hands tightly clasped before her.

"I am Potions Master Glin Hookenbothem. I teach at the University of Ireland, in Castelbar. We are a secret school much like this one. I have had the privilege to see some amazing potions today...not only those that were successful but the ideas put forth in the others that were not. Some have valid theories and only need more work. Perhaps those students will one day come to my university or to one of the schools represented by my colleagues. First I introduce to you Farling North from the Netherlands." A small round man stood and waved then sat back down. "Next is Jema Starling, from the University of France." A tall, thin severe woman stood and gave a slight bow and then she sat down. Potions Master Hookenbothem waved for the five teams of finalists to come forward. "I am pleased to announce that each winning team will be given a full scholarship to one of the three schools represented here."

Huge applause erupted from the school. Hermione heard familiar whistle and turned to see Harry and Ginny standing off to one side. He waved briefly, catching her eye. "I see Mr. Potter has come to bask in the glory of his son's accomplishments," Severus said dryly over her shoulder.

Hermione turned her head and glared at him. "He's as proud of his son as you will one day be of yours, I hope." His continued criticism of Harry now that he was behind the wall irritated her. She hoped he'd keep his comments to himself once she had the time to talk to Harry. It was good to see him here. It was then she caught sight of Draco and Pansy in the crowd of parents at the back.

Severus leaned down. "Forgive me, I will endeavor to keep my opinions to myself."

Hermione squeezed his hand, "Thank you, Severus. You really do love him."

Severus smirked, "That's hardly likely."

Hermione laughed. The sound of her laugher washed over him and placed another crack in the wall he had built around himself.

Lisa, thank you for your beta work on this chapter. I appreciate the time you give up, from your busy life, to help me.