Chapter 43

Poppy studied the color of the spell and waved her wand. Severus gasped, but his eyes opened and the pain on his face relaxed.

"Merlin, that hurt." He drew in a deep breath and let it out very slowly. But panic laced his eyes as he realized he could not raise his left arm. "Poppy?" he whispered, dread clutching at his heart.

She shook her head. "I don't know. It was a stun spell with a variation I haven't seen. Maybe it was dark magic. I've blocked it in your arm from your shoulder down. I do not think it will spread. This will give me some time to work out the cure." She turned, not able to witness the pain that was in his eyes. To Severus Snape, losing an arm would be devastating to his abilities to make potions.

Severus looked at Hermione, who was clutching his right hand tightly. He saw tears slip from her eyes and slide down her face. She couldn't say anything, so she leaned forward and touched her lips to his forehead.

Poppy took a deep breath, steeled herself, and turned back to him. "You should be grateful it only hit your shoulder. If it had hit your back or chest, your heart would have stopped before you arrived here."

Hermione's hand clutched his harder, and he tried not to grunt against the pain. He needed it to help him focus on the full impact of Poppy's words.

His thoughts flew back to the night he'd stopped that curse from killing Albus Dumbledore. The old wizard had lost the use of his hand. He had never complained about it...only the pain on occasion. Severus wasn't so sure he could live with this disability. Maybe this was his punishment. He had always been waiting for the retribution.

Hermione whispered, "Severus, let Scorpius and Albus be your hands for now. Rest assured we will find an answer to this curse and restore you."

Her mouth made the promise, but he could see the fear in her eyes. Yet the idea that the boys could be of assistance did encourage him, if only a tiny bit. He fought against the wave of anger and frustration as he tried to force his fingers to move and they did not. Fear and anger overwhelmed him. He turned his face away from everyone and said, "Leave me."

Poppy's voice was shaking with uncharacteristic uncertainty. "Rest, and let me run some tests while you sleep."

Severus felt the anger explode. "LEAVE ME!" He let go of Hermione's hand and pushed her away.

"Severus!" she cried out in shock.

"Please, Hermione," he begged in a strangled voice.

Hermione bent again and kissed his cheek. She caressed his hair and then said, "All right, but I will be back in a few hours, and you won't send me away again, husband." She stressed the last words.

He didn't reply and closed his eyes to block them out.

Minerva and Hagrid exchanged looks of grief and fear, and then they turned away, leaving the infirmary, clearly distressed. They had seen Severus in many moods over the years, and they were concerned this was an old one.

Poppy drew Hermione to the side and whispered, "Hermione, why don't you go lie down on my bed for a while. Try to nap. I will call you if I find anything out. That way you'll be out of his sight but close."

Hermione nodded numbly and looked back at Severus. "I love you, Severus." She turned and went to the door of Poppy's rooms and vanished inside.

Poppy looked at Severus who still had his eyes shut. She went and placed a hand on his shoulder and said, "My boy." She let her own tears fall. Through her touch, she could feel his body ridged with encased emotion. "I will be at my desk doing some research. Call me if you need me."

He didn't open his eyes or answer her, and she ran a hand over his hair. He turned his face away, so she headed to her office.

Severus felt cold inside, and he knew he was being childish and selfish. He knew Hermione's heart was breaking, and maybe Poppy's too, but he could not make himself call either of them back even though he desperately needed them. A familiar wall rose in his mind...a wall he hadn't tried to use in years, a wall he hadn't known was still there. Somehow it just rose again now that he needed to shield himself from the personal pain of dark magic. He hadn't sensed or needed the wall since before his rebirth. Against his own wishes this old survival mechanism built itself hard and strong, and he felt his emotions cool and deaden. He gasped at the familiarity of it; this had been his home for so many years. It was a dead place, but it was comfortable. The part of him who loved, laughed and enjoyed his life was now looking out from a small, dark cell in the back of his brain. He willed himself to sleep.

*****

Hermione, who'd fallen into Poppy's bed after crying herself to sleep, woke with a start and felt the coldness that enveloped the bond she'd already formed with Severus in her heart. What was happening, and why was he drawing so far away? She got up and went out into the infirmary. It was now late and dark. She could see the light was on in Poppy's office, but she made her way to Severus' bedside. He was lying on his side on the far edge of the bed, and she crawled in behind him. She slipped a hand over his waist and snuggled up to him.

As she sighed from the close comfort of his body against hers, he stiffened and said in the harshest of Snape voices from her old school days, "Hermione, I do not need you hovering. Please go back to our rooms. I will come when Madam Pomfrey releases me."

Hermione was shocked and hurt. A strangled cry escaped her lips, and she pulled away and fled the infirmary.

The Severus Snape inside the little cell in the back of his mind slipped to the floor and cried, but the Severus Snape in the bed gave a "harrumph," closed his eyes, and went back to sleep.

****

Hermione flew down the halls of the school, not seeing anyone that she passed because her eyes were streaming tears. She pulled her wand half way down the hall from the Potions room, and the door few open. She flung herself through the door and warded it behind her before she crumpled to the floor crying. What was happening to Severus? It was more than the injury. She could feel he was different, like he'd been before the war: hard, impersonal, and buried within himself. She did not need a marriage bond to know that. The sound of his voice had chilled her like Professor Snape had done all those years ago when she was a student in her first year. Severus was not that man anymore. Poppy had said she'd stopped the curse in his shoulder and arm, but something else must have affected his brain. She could not believe that this was only the injury. The Severus she knew and loved would be hurt and concerned, but he would have gotten back up and been there for her. The cold bastard that had sent her away tonight could not love her, could he? Where was Severus? Maybe Poppy would know. She dragged herself from the floor of the classroom and went to their rooms and used the Floo to alert Poppy.

*****

Poppy studied the note from Hermione carefully and then went out into the infirmary with a heavy heart. She'd been up all night trying to find something that would help tell them what this might be. If the curse wasn't to blame for his mannerisms, how would they reach him, if he was locked up inside his own mind? She was well aware of Severus' power to control his mind. She'd seen him through some pretty horrible times, and she'd seen him withdraw into his mind on a number of occasions. Yes, this was similar. She hadn't thought he would ever need to go to the part of his mind that had kept him sane and separate from the pain and torture that Voldemort had often inflicted on him. If this was something similar, it might take a lot of time and patience to coax him back out.

He sat up as she approached.

"Severus, how do you feel?" she asked, coming around to study his face.

"Crippled," he stated flatly.

"Why are you being so hard on yourself? You're a better man than this. You hurt your wife terribly with your indifference last night."

He stood and grabbed for his cloak. "I do not need a lecture from you, old woman." He sidestepped her and moved to go out the door.

She gripped his arm with a powerful strength. "Severus, if you want to withdraw and bury yourself in self-pity, then I cannot stop you." She placed herself under his gaze. "But hear me: Your wife is pregnant, and she needs as little stress as possible. You WILL NOT push her. You do want her to have this baby, don't you?"

"Yes," he said, cringing from her formidable stare.

"Then if you cannot say anything to her that's nice or comforting, keep you mouth shut! There has never been a woman who loves a man more. You know deep in your heart. Find a way to free yourself from this wall you've thrown up. It's an old habit for self-preservation you created so many years ago. But you do not have the luxury of hiding behind it for months like you used to. Hermione needs you and needs to feel safe and healthy right now."

Severus only glared at her. Then he grabbed her and pushed her to the side and left the infirmary.

*******

Severus came in the door as Hermione was fixing breakfast and was setting the food on the table. Having been warned by Poppy, she watched him out of the corner of her eye. He carefully hung his cloak up with some difficulty and then gave her only a mere glance. He did not greet her, nor try to kiss her as he sat down at the table. His left arm he placed across his lap with his right hand.

"Severus, are you okay?" she asked. Fear laced her voice.

"I am coping," he replied. He did not protest when she buttered his toast and placed in on his plate.

"Are you?" Her voice was soft and shaky.

"Hermione, please give me some time to assimilate the ramifications of this curse."

She reached out for his hand. He jerked it away and held it up palm flat out to warn her off.

He saw tears fill her eyes. "It is not my intention to hurt you. I am what I am. For now, it is different than what I was yesterday. Time is what I require to get my life organized."

Hermione could only stare at him. His language and mannerisms were cold and stilted. "How do I fit in as your wife?"

He looked away. "For now, cohabitation is all I can deal with. I understand that you are hurt and confused. Perhaps you need to talk to Madam Pomfrey. She knows why I have changed."

"She does?" Hermione asked.

He did not speak again but accepted her help with his plate afterwards. Finally he stood and asked her to help him get his robe back on. "I need to talk to Minerva and find out what happened at Azkaban yesterday. I may need to go to the Ministry offices to speak to Kinsley. Please do not wait up for me. This may take all day and into the evening."

"Severus." She spoke his name not as a question but with pain.

He turned and repeated, "Talk to Madam Pomfrey." He brushed past her and left.

Hermione stared after him and then grabbed her own robes and headed for the infirmary.

*****

Severus entered Minerva's office and found her having morning tea. She watched him carefully as he took a seat.

"Have you talked to Madam Pomfrey?" he asked.

"Yes, I have. Is there no way for you to consciously breach the wall and set yourself free?"

"No, it has time constraints."

"But this was an injury you understood. It was something that sent you back to the people who love you. Why did it activate?"

"I do not know. But this is not the time to discuss it. I need to know what was done at Azkaban yesterday."

Minerva nodded. Poppy had told her not to push him.

"Kingsley sent a group of Aurors to check out your story and found very little to establish the truth of it, at first." She watched Severus' eyes flare with anger.

"At first?" he said tightly.

"Yes, it was glamoured. The entire prison had some pretty powerful spells on it, making the cells and conditions look ideal. Harry Potter led the group. They broke down the spells and charms and were able to ascertain the true conditions of the place."

"Potter." Severus spoke the name with harshness. "It's another way for him to be the hero of this story."

Minerva gave him an exasperated look and picked up the morning paper. She shoved it at him. "The warden is now out of a job and being held in one of the Ministry's dungeons."

The headlines where bold and huge across the paper: SEVERUS SNAPE UNCOVERS FRAUD AT AZKABAN. There was a picture of him wielding his staff as he fought off the guards. Magical security cameras were relatively new.

It took him aback, and inside the tiny cell of his heart, Severus Snape heard the tiniest crack in the wall behind him.

"Severus, that young man has learned to care for you; he would never steal your accomplishment," she admonished him. She stood and came closer, and he stood and backed up. "Severus, you will need to go to the Ministry and give a formal statement. They may need to examine your memories."

He nodded. "I expected as much. I will go now. I do not know when I will come back."

"It matters not to me, Severus. But your wife needs you. Even the man you are now can offer comfort to a wife who is carrying your child. You do not have to feel anything at this point. A man can have needs and have no emotional connection to a woman. But a woman like Hermione needs that physical comfort. If you want to be the man you were when you are with her, as her husband, let her touch you. Let her tear the wall down. Too many of your years were wasted hiding behind that wall; don't let it take the months of your baby's development away from you."

He studied her face for a moment and nodded. Minerva had always had a claming affect on him. She was a respected teacher and colleague. They'd had many heated fights over the years and many talks as well. She had always been frank with him, and he had appreciated her sharp tongue on many occasions. She'd had an ability to get through the wall where Poppy hadn't been able too. The love Poppy had for him was too hard to take when he was like this.

He left the castle, and the fresh air seemed to revive him a bit. A ball came his way from a group of students, and he could not reach out to catch it. He cursed his useless arm as he moved across the grounds, bitterness washing over him. Minerva's words repeated in his head over and over. Could he gird himself up and let Hermione touch him? Each time she reached for him, he cringed. Touch had always hurt him, putting him in this state, and it almost burned his skin to receive touch when the wall was new and strong. He dismissed the thoughts of her as the gate clanged shut behind him.

The long day at the Ministry wore him out. It was a physical and mental exhaustion to have people view his memories of the things he had seen there. Late in the afternoon they released him, and he went to Azkaban to release the lock on Lucius' cell. He was shocked to find Harry in the guardhouse at the front gate.

"Potter." He nodded at the man. He found the man irritated him today just by his presence.

"Severus?"

"Yes, who else," he said scathingly. "What are you doing here? The investigation is completed, is it not?"

Harry saw hardness in the man that he hadn't seen in a long time, and he wondered what was up. He'd have to try to contact Hermione after Severus left. "Yes, but it will take time to interview and choose a new staff."

"Grimmley is a good man. I do not believe he was involved with this mess," Severus said.

Harry nodded. "I will pass on your recommendation. Because he's an Order member, his story has carried more weight."

Severus nodded. "I need to see Lucius and release the lock on his door."

Harry nodded. "Of course, sir."

"Do you need my wand, Potter? I do not have all evening. I'm told my wife needs me to be there for her."

"Told?" Harry frowned at him. Something was up. "No, sir, you can keep your wand. If it wasn't for you, those people would still be suffering terribly. Mind you, I think some of them deserve death; but while they are alive, they need adequate food, conditions fit to live in, and a reasonable amount of warmth. We wouldn't want to let them escape their punishment too early through death."

"Agreed." Severus turned toward the gate that opened for him, and he went through, leaving Harry to stand there confused.

*****

Hermione stood before Poppy's fireplace in her apartment and stared into the fire as she took in the ramifications of what Poppy had told her. The bonding would have to be put on hold. She would not marry Severus the way he was. She wanted her bonding to be a happy occasion...something to smile about and maybe even laugh about as the years go by. She was determined to stick by him no matter what he said. She hoped she could keep her promise to herself. An angry Severus easily struck fear in her and made her cry. She would have to steel herself behind a wall, of her own making, to take what he dished out.

She stood as Poppy came back from seeing a patient. "I'm going to go to my rooms and wait for Severus."

Poppy gave her a warm hug. "Call me if he gets to be too much to handle, and I will put him in his place. If not me, Minerva can." She felt Hermione tremble against her. "Try to remember this is temporary. It might break down tomorrow, or it might take six months. Be gentle, reach out, and whatever you do, don't push him away if he makes an effort to be there for you. Each time he reaches out, another crack will hit that wall he's build up around his heart."

She took a deep breath and said, "I'm ready to take him on, Poppy. I can be patient and loving. I can and will break through the wall."

Poppy nodded appreciatively as she watched Hermione go. Severus had definitely picked the right woman to fall in love with.

Lisa, thank you so much for getting this chapter done so quickly. I very much appreciate it.