Knee-high Whores

A/N: Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to leave me a review. They really mean a lot to me. Whether you tell me your latest theories on what's going on, or just let me know if you enjoyed it or not, I read and enjoy every single one. Thanks!

My life is busy as per usual. I will do my best to keep up with the updates as well as I can, but don't fret if updates are sometimes more along the lines of every two weeks rather than weekly.

No alert readers notices for last chapter; my intrepid betas were too good for you! ;) Vaughn and WolfMoonshadow rock my socks! Of course, any one who finds an oopsie should please email me at Plaidpooka@yahoo.com, and I'll be sure to acknowledge you in the next chapter. But you'll have to look sharp; Vaughn and Wolf don't miss much!

Disclaimer: They are not mine; I only take them out to play.

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Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.

-Oliver Wendell Holmes 1809-1894

When Harry returned to the house, he was glad to find Hermione alone in the library. Setting the large bag that he was carrying down by the door, he joined Hermione on the sofa.

"Good news," Harry said as he poured himself a cup of tea. "Hagrid had every single thing on my list. It's amazing how much stuff he's got tucked away in that hut of his. He even had the Diricawl feathers. He said that he'd accidentally startled one when he was patrolling in the forest. When it vanished in a puff of feathers, he collected them in case they turned up useful. He's a regular magpie, he is."

"That's good for us," Hermione said with a smile. "The less left on my shopping list, the happier I'll be. Did you ask him about what those ingredients might be used for?"

"I did, and he said pretty much the same thing that Neville did. While some of the ingredients have multiple uses, they can all be used in healing potions. He said something else that I thought was interesting."

"What was that?"

"He said," Harry began, pausing to rake a hand through his untidy hair as he gathered his thoughts, "he said that six unicorn hairs were quite extravagant...that he didn't know of any use for the hairs that would require more than one. Hagrid thought that some of the other amounts were rather excessive as well. He said that either our mysterious brewer was making multiples of the same potion, or that they were experimenting and needed sufficient quantities in case the first experiments failed."

"So not only is Severus going to brew unknown potions in your basement, he's going to be brewing experimental potions," Hermione said. "That does sound rather ominous, doesn't it?"

"It does indeed. I think I'll have a go at strengthening those protective wards I put up on the lab. I don't want to keep him from brewing--it might end up being important. I just don't want the house to fall in," he finished with a wry grin.

"You and me both," Hermione said with a resigned sigh. "I also don't want him getting himself hurt, but I suppose that there is nothing to do about it. I think that Severus is going to try to heal his madness, and I don't want to interfere with that. I'll try to keep an eye on him when he starts brewing."

"That will go over well, I'm sure!" Harry said with a laugh. "Pretty little whore, what are you doing spying on my work? It's none of your business!"

"Oh, stop it!" Hermione said, giving Harry a playful cuff on the shoulder. "I know that he won't much like the idea, but I can at least try. He let me help him with the plants last night."

"Did he?" Harry asked. "I'm surprised he let you anywhere near them. Anything new on that front?"

"Harry, that's none of your business," Hermione said sharply, though she could not hide her blush.

"Gods! You're even starting to sound like him!" Harry said in mock protest. "You're not going to start calling Ron and me whores, are you?"

"I'll call you worse than that it you don't lay off," Hermione said, shaking her finger at him. That only served to further Harry's amusement, and he continued to tease her until Severus entered the room.

"The Whore Who Lived has returned, I see," Severus said solemnly. "Good." Turning to Hermione, he continued. "You will go shopping now?"

"Yes, Severus," Hermione said with an air of great patience. "I will go shopping now."

"Good," he said simply. For a moment, Severus studied the goblin tapestry. His brow was furrowed in thought and a slight frown was on his face. "The knee-high whores are a...difficult people. Their ways are not our ways. When you speak to them, trollop, stick to business and do nothing to annoy them." Dragging his eyes from the tapestry, he regarded Hermione seriously as he continued. "You will be careful, I trust?"

"I will be careful, Severus. I promise. I don't like goblins much, myself, and I don't plan to stay any longer than I have to. I will take care of my business and leave."

"See that you do," Severus said shortly. Walking to the door, he picked up the bag Harry had left there. "I'll take these things down to the lab and begin processing them. Let me know when you return." Standing in the doorway, Severus turned to Hermione and gave her a long look. "Take care, trollop."

"I will, Severus. I'll see you when I return."

Severus stood in the doorway for another moment, simply looking at Hermione. Then he abruptly turned and headed for the stairs that led down to the lab.

After Severus had left, Harry turned to Hermione and asked, "Trollop? Why do you suddenly rate your own name?"

"Because Severus likes me best," Hermione replied with a cheeky grin.

Gathering up the key to Severus' vault and his note to the bank, Hermione left for Gringotts. She hoped that the note from Severus would be enough to clear her way. She hadn't been exaggerating when she'd said that she didn't like goblins. For all their gruff politeness, they were rather frightful.

Hermione had been to Gringotts several times before with her parents. The shops in Diagon Alley would accept Muggle money, but they often did not use the most up to date exchange rate. Hermione and her parents had always begun her trips to buy school supplies with a visit to Gringotts to change their money. Her previous trips to the wizards' bank did little to ease Hermione's nerves as she drew close to the large building. It had always seemed rather creepy to her. Despite the startling whiteness of its walls, it loomed over the street like some monstrous structure from a gothic fairy tale.

As always, a uniformed goblin stood beside the huge bronze doors. He gave Hermione a customary bow as she entered, and she nodded politely in return. Some might find the goblin's polite gesture reassuring, but Hermione had always noted the sharp-eyed scrutiny this supposed doorman gave each and every visitor as he made his formal bow. This was the way with all the goblins. On the surface, all goblins gave off an air of strict--if gruff--politeness. A more discerning eye would notice that every second a person was within Gringotts, they were very carefully scrutinized. As Hermione was bowed through the silver inner doors by two more goblins, she did her best to nod politely and not let her inner tension show.

Knowing that her every movement was being observed and interpreted made Hermione very nervous as she continued into the building and made her way towards the long counter. The counter itself was rather imposing. It was high and made of a dark wood. Countless goblins sat at high stools ready to conduct business. It wasn't easy to approach the counter. Gringotts was bustling with activity. It seemed to Hermione that every wizard and goblin in the room decided to take the time to get in her way as she approached the counter. At last, she made it across the large room and found a goblin who was unoccupied.

"How may I help you?" the goblin said, his voice gravelly. He leaned forward over the counter, tapping his long fingers with impatience.

Though it was rather off putting to have a goblin looming over one, Hermione gave herself a mental shake and withdrew Severus' letter and key from her bag. "I have some shopping to do for a friend," she said simply. "He's given me this letter to show that I have his permission to access his vault."

Hermione was careful not to mention her friend's name, and she hoped that the goblin would be as discreet. The last thing she needed was the unwanted attention she would receive by saying Severus' name in public. Taking the letter from her briskly, the goblin studied it carefully. If he was at all surprised by the name on the parchment, he gave no sign. Climbing from his stool, the goblin took the letter to an odd silver box that was standing on a table behind the counter. Placing the document in the box, the goblin waited until the box emitted an eerie green glow. Removing the letter, he brought it back to the counter. For another moment he studied it and then he raised narrowed eyes to study Hermione as well.

"This man," he said, vaguely waving at the parchment with one long-fingered hand, "you are his prostitute?"

Damn and blast! She'd forgotten all about Severus' usual style of address. "I am his very good friend," she said primly, staring straight into the goblin's slightly amused eyes.

"No matter," the goblin said, still staring at her with amused disdain. "I was merely curious. It is not any wizard that would allow his very good friend access to his Gringotts vault. Does the lady have this gentleman's key?"

Torn between relief at the goblin's discretion and anger at his manner, Hermione paused for a moment to get her mental equilibrium back. Remembering Severus' words of caution, she forced herself to stick to business and not let the goblin's rude manner fluster her.

"Yes," she said, forcing a tone of politeness into her voice. "I have my friend's key here." Placing the key on the counter, she waited for the goblin to examine it.

After a brief look at the key, the goblin addressed her again. "Everything seems to be in order. If you are going to be making purchases for your friend, perhaps I might make a suggestion. We will, of course, escort you to this gentleman's vault if that is what you desire. However, we could also simply give you a letter of credit to take with you. Almost all shops will accept this in lieu of payment, and they will simply send the bill to Gringotts, where we will pay it out of your friend's account."

Now that sounded useful. Not only would it make her shopping easier, it would save her a trip through the Gringotts' underworld. Harry had described his trip to his parents' vault and it sounded like something that Hermione would be happy to miss.

"A letter of credit would be very helpful," Hermione said with a pleased smile. "I have some extensive shopping to do for my friend, and I don't know how much money will be necessary. That would take the guesswork out of it and be easier to carry as well."

"One moment, if you please," the goblin said gruffly. Climbing back down from his stool, the goblin retreated through one of the many doorways in the wall behind the counter.

After about five minutes, he returned, the letter of credit in his hand. Handing the letter and Severus' vault key to Hermione, the goblin then showed her a small piece of paper. The handwriting was thick and spiked, but Hermione soon sorted it out.

Nine hundred eighty-five Galleons

Three Knuts

"That is the amount that the gentleman has in his account. Gringotts will pay any bills up to and including that amount. Any overages will accrue the proper fines and interest rates."

Quickly doing a standard conversion rate in her head, Hermione realized that the amount was close to five thousand pounds. Not a fortune, to be sure, but more than enough to cover what she needed to buy. Glancing at the letter of credit, she was relieved to see that there was no mention of Severus' name on it. The goblins may be frightful, but they knew their business.

"Thank you, sir," she said politely as she tucked the letter and the key back into her bag. "You have been most helpful."

The goblin gave her a curt nod in lieu of reply, and before Hermione knew it, she was back on the pavement outside with her mission accomplished.

The shopping went amazingly well. Since she was buying potion ingredients, Hermione only went to shops with excellent reputations for the quality of their stock. All of these shops accepted the letter of credit as payment, and it wasn't long before Hermione was headed back to Harry's house.

Struggling through the front door with her many packages, Hermione was further cheered by the silence of Mrs. Black's painting. She still hadn't uttered a peep since Severus had hexed her. Oh, the curtains would fly open, and you could see her storming around in her portrait, but not a sound could she utter.

Hermione managed to get all of her packages into the library. Ron and Harry were sitting on the sofa, and they hurried to help Hermione set everything down. From his seat at the desk, Severus turned to look at her. He looked her up and down almost as thoroughly as the goblins had. Then, seeming satisfied that she was all right, he rose to inspect the packages.

As he began rummaging around in the bags, he asked, "Is everything here?"

"Yes, Severus. I was able to get every last item on your list. You have all of them."

"Good, that's good," Severus muttered as he peered at a bag of rose quartz. "House-whore! You are needed!"

With a soft pop, Kreacher appeared. "What is the dark master wanting of Kreacher?" he asked in a much softer tone of voice than he used with the other inhabitants of the house. Creeping closer to Severus, Kreacher put a hand gently on Severus' leg and gazed up at him adoringly.

"It's enough to make one sick," grumbled Ron, "the way he fawns all over Severus. The nasty little thing."

"Hush, Ron," Hermione said with an exasperated look. "We're lucky that Kreacher likes him. He could cause all sorts of trouble if he didn't."

Ignoring the discussion, Severus spoke to Kreacher. "Take these things down to the lab and unpack them, house-whore. Be careful with them. Some of those ingredients are quite fragile."

"Yes, dark master!" the house-elf said happily. "Kreacher is being careful!" With a snap of his fingers, the packages vanished. Then Kreacher himself popped out of the room.

"Severus," Hermione said, "we've gotten you everything on your shopping list. Why don't you tell me what I need to know about the Horcrux before you go down to the lab?"

"No," Severus said simply as he headed for the door.

"What? Severus, you promised to help me!"

"And I will, trollop," Severus said from the door. "But first I am going down to the lab to make certain that everything you bought today is acceptable." With that said, Severus quit the room and headed for the stairs.

"He might be more pleasant, but he's still a stubborn bastard just the same," Harry mused.

"Too true," Ron agreed. "It's enough to make you want to throttle the life out of him."

"Honestly!" Hermione interjected, "He's not that bad!"

"A little snogging and she's gone right off her head," Ron joked, shaking his head in mock sadness. "She'll be saying that he's right reasonable next."

"He's perfectly reasonable most of the time," Hermione said, crossing her arms across her chest and glaring at Ron. "He only requires a bit of care, is all."

"And perhaps a bit of snogging," Harry teased. "He's been a new man since you started paying him some attention, Hermione."

"Oh, sod off, Harry!" Hermione said sharply, turning her glare at her other friend.

"Look, love," Ron said sweetly, "you simply cannot start snogging our insane ex-Potions professor and expect us not to tease you unmercifully."

"True. True," Harry said, nodding sagely. "That's what friends are for, after all."

"Boys!" Hermione snapped, looking upward as if in search of some guidance. "Merlin, help me. I'm surrounded by boys!"

While they waited for Severus to return, Harry and Ron placated Hermione with tea and sandwiches. By the time they had finished eating, Severus returned to the room.

"Everything seems to be in order," he said to the ceiling light.

"Will you help me now?" Hermione asked.

"I will show you what you need to know," he replied.

Walking over to his desk, he opened the top drawer and rummaged through the parchments there. It took him some time to find the one he sought in the overly crowded drawer. At last, he found the one he wanted and handed it to Hermione.

"This is what you need to destroy the cup," he said simply as Hermione opened the scroll.

"But, Severus," Hermione began, looking at him in confusion, "this is written in Gobbledegook."

"So? Is there some point you are trying to make, trollop?"

It was all Hermione could do to keep from snapping at him in frustration. He could act so dense sometimes, and Hermione suspected that it was indeed an act. "Severus, I do not read Gobbledegook. Would you translate this for me?"

"No. I have my own work to do."

"But how am I supposed to use this?" Hermione snapped, waving the parchment at him.

"That, pretty little trollop, is your problem. I said I would give you what you needed to destroy the cup. I have done so."

"But, Severus!"

With a melodramatic sigh, Severus looked down at Hermione. His expression made it clear that he felt very much put upon indeed. "If you need further help, I suggest that you leave me alone and ask the red-headed whore."

"What? Ron?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"May the old whore preserve us from dunderheaded imbeciles!" Severus said, rolling his eyes comically. "Of course not that red-headed whore!" That said, Severus strode quickly from the room and headed back down to the lab.

"You needn't have looked like my being able to help was so bloody impossible," groused Ron. "It's enough to give me a complex, it is."

"Honestly, Ron, since when do you read Gobbledegook?"

"Well, this red-headed whore doesn't, but I know one who does," Ron said with a grin.

"Bill!" Harry exclaimed. "Of course! There, you see, Hermione? Ron was some help after all. You really ought to apologize for not believing in him."

"I'm ever so sorry that I bruised your sensitive little ego, Won-Won," Hermione dutifully recited in a syrupy voice. "Now that we've settled that, where is Bill these days?"

"He's at Gringotts," Ron replied. "The goblins are letting him work in Diagon Alley for the time being. He was probably there this afternoon."

"Well, there's nothing to do about it," Hermione said, carefully putting the unreadable parchment into her bag. "It looks like I'm going back to Gringotts in the morning to see Bill. Can either of you watch Severus?"

While Ron and Harry decided who would keep an eye on Severus, Hermione took a drink of her cold tea. She really didn't like Gringotts and she was not at all looking forward to going back so soon.