Uneasy Thoughts

A/N: I'm sorry about the wee delay before this chapter got posted. Writing has been slow lately, but I hope to get back in the swing of things soon. Big thanks to everyone who has been kind enough to leave me a review. You have no idea how much each and every one means to me. Thanks!

Special thanks to alert reader Subversa for finding a couple oopsies in the last chapter. She was kind enough to email me about them, so now they are fixed. She rocks! Anyone who catches a typo or mistake is welcome to email me at Plaidpooka@yahoo.com.

As always, this chapter wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for my intrepid beta, Vaughn. Vaughn rocks!

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For the next few days, peace reigned at Grimmauld Place. Harry and Ron came and went as they dealt with their own tasks for the Order. Hermione had taken a break from her sluggish research on living Horcruxes, and was trying to tackle the more immediate problem of how to destroy the Hufflepuff cup. Though the cup seemed safe enough here at the house, the sooner it was destroyed, the better.

Unfortunately, Hermione had no idea how to go about it. Moody had shared his own research on the subject with Hermione, and it had proved effective. However, Hermione would much rather find an answer that would not destroy the wizard along with the Horcrux. Though she trusted in her own intelligence, Hermione was very discouraged about the likelihood of finding a better solution. After all, Dumbledore himself had not remained unscathed when he had destroyed Slytherin's ring. Hermione wished that she had Dumbledore's insights on the matter. The withering of a hand seemed like a much smaller price to pay than the giving up of one's life altogether.

Severus had been uncharacteristically easy to handle lately. Having found some books of interest in the Black family library, he was poring though them eagerly. He gave off the air of someone who has had a sudden breakthrough, though what sort of breakthrough was anyone's guess. No one knew what his research was about...if it was indeed about anything...and Severus would not discuss it. Harry and Ron were of the opinion that it was unimportant, perhaps even nonsense. Hermione wasn't certain. Though Severus was mad and his mind thoroughly mixed-up on occasion, he still showed signs that his intellect was intact, if not always accessible.

The books themselves gave Hermione no clue as to what Severus' research was about, as they were all written in German. Hermione had a fair knowledge of Latin due to her schoolwork, and spoke traveler's Italian, but she hadn't progressed in German farther than being able to say 'Ich spreche Deutsch nicht'...which was enough to recognize the language, but not translate the titles on the spines of Severus' newly chosen books. In fact, none of the books ensconced on the shelf of Severus' desk were in English. Some were obviously in Gobbledegook, some in German, and some in a language that Hermione didn't recognize at all. Was Severus truly able to read in at least four languages, or was this some strange illusion of his addled mind? Was Severus simply some modern day Don Quixote, taking a scholarly approach to tilting at windmills? Either way, it did no harm and it kept Severus blessedly quiet while Hermione did her own research.

Unfortunately, Hermione's own research was leading nowhere. Hermione found no fault with the research of the late Alastor Moody except that it had blown him up spectacularly. She also was finding nothing new to add to it, despite the interesting books found in the Black family library. This library put the Restricted Section at Hogwarts to shame. The Black family, having been mostly comprised of Death Eaters and other Voldemort supporters, had more books on the Dark Arts than Hermione had ever seen in one place. Some of the books were downright scary. There were tomes that seemed to be written in blood and a few that looked like they were bound in covers made from human skin. Hermione didn't even want to look at those books, let alone touch them. But amongst the frightful tomes were others which were very helpful indeed. For every book that told you how to curse and poison, there were others that dealt with counter-curses and antidotes. These were the books that Hermione pored through, looking for any mention of Horcruxes and how to destroy magical objects.

Though she'd been looking for days, Hermione found nothing to add to Moody's parchments on the matter. What were they supposed to do? Go to the Order and ask who wanted to die for the cause? Dying in battle was one thing...all the Order members knew the risks, and believed in the cause fiercely enough to take those risks. Asking for a volunteer to agree to magical suicide was another matter entirely. And who could they possibly do without? If she could find no other answer, who was she supposed to single out for extermination? All of the Order members were known to her, many of them friends. There was simply no way that she could tell them that one of them had to die.

All sentimentality aside, when Hermione tried to think as a chess master and decide who was most expendable, her mind simply turned in circles. Some of the Order members' magic was simply not strong enough to destroy the Horcrux. Unfortunately, those with strong enough magic were the least expendable. Harry was out, for obvious reasons, and Ron was Harry's greatest source of support. Remus was also out. Not only was the man working with Draco, he was also their only hope of bringing some of the other werewolves to their side. Minerva was needed at Hogwarts. With Albus gone, if anything happened to Minerva the Ministry was sure to put some Umbridgian idiot in charge. Filius was powerful, but he was not a member of the Order, nor did Hermione want to see the cheerful little Charms professor die for the cause. The Weasleys all had stronger magic than most people would suspect, but they each had an important role to play. Mr. Weasley was their best tie to the Ministry. Charlie's work with dragons was as important as Bill's ties to the Goblins. Fred and George were coming up with both imaginative and useful products to help people fight. Ginny was a strong fighter, and even were she not, Harry would fall apart if anything were to happen to her. Molly was as strong a fighter as Ginny, and more importantly, her firm hand kept the brash Weasley clan in line. Then there was Percy. Percy probably wouldn't piss on the Order if it were on fire.

No matter who Hermione thought of, she found some unquestionable reason for them to stay alive and continue doing what they were doing. In fact, it seemed like the most expendable person who had strong enough magic was Hermione herself. Could she do such a thing? She had once told Harry and Ron that she would die for the cause, but could she be brave enough to do so purposefully? Would the Order miss her? Not the members themselves--she knew that she would be missed personally--but was her contribution so great that they couldn't do without her? Thinking the matter over as objectively as possible, she had to admit that her contribution to the Order's work would be the least missed of any of the candidates who she was considering for the task. Though her magic was strong, she was not a particularly adept duelist. She had no connections to the Ministry or to other wizard factions that made her particularly valuable. What she did best was research, but she was hardly the only member who could do that. It was true that she was good at her work, but when stacked up against the work of the other Order members, it seemed a paltry contribution to the cause. Merlin, she couldn't even improve on Moody's research to make this sacrifice unneeded! Suddenly, having taken a good look at the big picture, Hermione seemed very small and insignificant.

That was not the only argument in favor of Hermione trying to destroy the Horcrux herself. Her Gryffindor spirit balked at the idea of asking someone else to do something that she herself would not. In some ways, it seemed far easier to contemplate dying herself than it did to ask another to give up their life for the cause. Though she made no definite decision, over the next few days, Hermione found herself putting her other research in order. She already had an answer to the living Horcrux dilemma, even if she didn't like it. If Hermione did indeed sacrifice herself to the cause, the Order would not suffer unduly for it.

Though Hermione told no one what was on her mind, it was only natural that such serious thoughts both disturbed and depressed her. Knowing that she wasn't behaving quite as usual, Hermione kept a close eye on the reactions of the others she shared a house with. If she decided to go through with her plan to try and destroy Hufflepuff's cup, then it was imperative that no one get wind of her plans. They would no more agree to her sacrificing herself than she would agree to anyone else doing it. Thankfully, neither Ron nor Harry seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary. Certainly they had noticed that she was a bit down, but they were not overly distressed. Both young men tried to cheer her up; Harry with chocolates and Ron by offering to look after Severus so that she could have a change of scene. After accepting the chocolates and declining a day out, Hermione found herself relieved that neither of them had discovered the plan that she was considering.

Severus' reaction was more difficult to gauge. Once the daily showering ritual had begun, Severus had taken to watching her at odd moments. Lately, she had awakened several times during the night to find the man staring at her while she slept. Though she had given him a lecture on the impropriety of this, it seemed to do little good. Looking chastened, Severus would slink out of the room only to return after she had gone back to sleep. It was impossible to discern whether this added attention from Severus was because he was suspicious of her, or simply a new form of behavior brought about by his madness.

Hermione's intermittent thoughts of her own demise were abruptly halted one morning. Having just finished brushing her teeth, she was wiping her face off with a towel when she heard loud, braying sobbing. Dropping the towel negligently to the floor, she hurried out of the lav and followed the sound to the library. The sight that met her eyes was disturbing. While Ron looked on with astonishment, Severus was sobbing hysterically. He was on his knees in the middle of the floor, and had rolled himself into a ball with his arms wrapped tightly around his head. His piteous crying was so intense that he was having trouble breathing. Rushing to his side, Hermione knelt before him and tried to get him to uncurl. At first, Severus batted at her hands, but when he saw that it was Hermione who was touching him, he threw his arms around her with an anguished cry. Ending up half in Hermione's lap and with his head pillowed on her breasts, Severus continued to cry, but with much less force. Stroking his back soothingly, Hermione looked up at Ron, a question in her eyes.

"I...I didn't think," began Ron haltingly. "There was a spider..."

That admission was enough for Hermione to sort out what had happened. "Ron! How could you? You know very well that Malfoy told us Severus can't bear to see anything killed! What in the world were you thinking?"

"But it was a spider, Hermione! What was I supposed to do, invite it to tea?" Ron snapped. "I know what Malfoy said, but it was just a fucking spider!"

"You could have asked Severus to leave the room, Ron. That's what you could have done. Instead, you did something that you knew would upset him and then you just stood there with your mouth hanging open!"

"Hermione," Ron said gruffly, "don't you think that we had better move him? He's got his head...well...he's got his head on your bosom!"

"Honestly, Ron! Bosom? Next you'll be calling me a 'scarlet woman.' They're breasts, Ron, and I assure you that Severus isn't hurting them."

"It's not right, Hermione! You shouldn't let him cuddle up to you like that, it isn't proper. Only yesterday I saw you coming out of the lav with him, and now you're allowing him liberties. Exactly what is going on, Hermione?" Ron finished angrily.

"Ronald Weasley, that's disgusting!" Hermione snapped. "Severus is in no condition to take advantage of me, and I would hardly take advantage of a man who is ill. Look at him! He's about as dangerous as a five year old boy."

"But he isn't a five year old boy, Hermione. He's a grown man and I don't care how upset he is, he shouldn't be mucking about with your bosom! And it isn't proper for you to be watching him take a shower! I'm damn certain that the mad sod doesn't look like a boy!"

Both Hermione and Ron were shouting by this point. The effect that their argument had on Severus was easy to tell. Clinging tighter than ever to Hermione, Severus still wept, but now a frightened whining sound mixed in with his sobs. Noticing how badly the overwrought man was trembling, Hermione did her best to calm her voice, even if she could not diminish her anger.

"Ronald Weasley," Hermione began, her voice less loud but firm and cold, "I assure you that nothing nefarious is going on between Severus and me. He's ill, Ron! I would no more take advantage of him in his condition than I would if he were lying unconscious in St. Mungo's."

Flying into the room to see what the fuss was about, Harry took one look at Severus crying and his friends' angry faces and asked, "What's going on?"

"Ron upset Severus and he's not pleased with how I chose to sort the mess he's made," Hermione said coldly. "Ron's insulted my honor and he's behaving like a prudish old woman."

His face going almost purple in his anger, Ron growled, "Prudish old woman, am I? Well, let's see how you like this, Hermione Granger." His voice rising in pitch until it thundered through the room, Ron shouted, "Albus Dumbledore!"

The effect on Severus was immediate and heartbreaking. Flinging himself away from Hermione, he scrambled to his feet. The sound that broke from his mouth was almost inhuman. He keened in despair and anguish. His hands tore at his clothes and also at his hair. Never had Hermione seen anyone act in such a horrible fashion. As she tried to figure out what to do, Severus ran up to one of the walls and began slamming his head against it.

"Sweet Merlin, Hermione. What have I done?" Ron said, his voice barely audible over Severus' moaning. The anger had fled from his face as suddenly as it had appeared.

"You've behaved like a moronic prat, that's what you've done," Harry snapped.

"No time for this," Hermione said firmly. "We'll discuss it later; we have to try to help him now."

"What should I do, Hermione?" asked Harry. "Should I try Petrifying him? He's going to hurt himself."

"No! That will only make it worse when we let him loose. Harry, put a Cushioning Charm on that wall. Ron, go get the Calming Draught out of the cabinet in the lav. It's a light blue glass phial with an acorn shaped stopper."

As Harry cast the charm, Ron ran from the room to get the draught. Severus continued to moan and forcibly bang his head against the wall, but it was now cushioned enough not to hurt him. Going to his side, Hermione rubbed her hand up and down his back in an action that was beginning to be habitual with her whenever Severus was upset. Speaking to him calmly, her words mostly soothing nonsense, she waited for Ron to return with the potion.

By the time Ron handed her the phial, Severus was still keening and still banging his head, but with much less frequency and force. After asking the boys to leave them in peace, Hermione continued to stroke Severus' back and speak comfortingly to him. Eventually, though he still was terribly upset, Hermione spoke to him of the potion.

"Severus, I know that you're hurting...I know that you're upset, but you are going to do yourself an injury if you don't calm down. I've got a phial here. I made it myself and I assure you that it's perfectly safe. It will make you feel better. I'm going to put it to your mouth now, try to drink some."

It was difficult, to say the least, to try and get a potion down Severus' throat when he was still slowly banging his head against the wall. How Hermione managed it, she was never certain, and it was clear that more of the Calming Draught went down Severus' shirt than in his mouth. In the end, it didn't matter. Enough of the potion got into Severus' mouth to calm him down. The horrible keening stopped, and the trembling man leaned heavily against the wall. Remembering how Remus had calmed Severus, Hermione drew him away from the wall, wrapped a hand around his head and drew it down to rest on her shoulder. With one arm draped around his shoulders, and the other still stroking his back, Hermione hugged him tightly and tried her best to comfort him. She knew that they must look ludicrous; he was a full head taller than her and had to bend down quite a bit to rest his head on her shoulder. Hermione didn't care how foolish they looked. It felt good to hold him. It felt good to feel his trembling lessen and then stop. It felt altogether too good when Severus draped his arms loosely around her waist. Though the action startled her, Hermione did not step away. Severus rarely touched anyone other than Draco. Hermione was not about to do anything to make Severus think such contact was improper, despite the fact that she felt guilty for enjoying it so much.

Eventually, Hermione drew slightly back from Severus. Gently brushing Severus' hair away from his face, Hermione saw that he was uninjured. Harry had acted quickly when he cast that Cushioning Charm.

"Severus, you look exhausted," she said softly. "Why don't you go have a little lie down?"

"No," he said in a voice so low that Hermione could barely hear him. "I don't like to sleep. The old whore makes me dream when I sleep."

Severus thought that someone was making him dream? Was this why he rarely slept more than two hours a night? But which whore was this? Sometimes Severus' whore fixation made things very difficult. It was true that Severus had different sorts of whore names for some people, but he also had multiple variations for the same person as well. Not to mention the fact that he called all Weasleys 'the redheaded whore.' There were times when he made it nearly impossible to figure out who he meant. This was such a time. 'old whore' could mean almost anyone. With his paranoia about the Death Eaters, Hermione decided that Severus probably thought that Voldemort was giving him bad dreams. For all Hermione knew, he was. Voldemort had certainly given Harry a hard time over the years.

"Severus, why don't you come over to the sofa with me? You can lie down and put your head on my lap. Then you can get a little rest, and if you have any bad dreams I can wake you."

Later, Hermione could not decide if she had cleverly used Severus' little crush on her to get him to sleep, or if she had given in to her own growing but ill-fated desires. But while Severus slept with his head on Hermione's lap, she pushed aside her worries on the matter and simply enjoyed stroking his hair and watching him sleep.