Chapter 33

A/N: Again, my thanks to JKR for her wonderful book, Prisoner of Azkaban. This chapter takes some scenes from her book that have been woven into my own words. Thanks as always to my betas, luvsev and WriterMerrin for all their tireless work.

***

Dinner was a nerve-wracking experience. Harry was on edge and was understandably upset. Hermione let him and Ron be, knowing Harry would need to process the information alone or maybe with his best friend. She knew he hated for her to see him cry.

She made her way early Christmas Eve morning to see Severus. He answered in his nightshirt and was still half-asleep. He slowly put on his robe and ran his hands through his hair. Hermione thought he had never looked more shaggable. She smiled at his attempts to make himself presentable.

He made coffee and finally spoke once he had his first sip. "I have decided to stop all of this foolishness between us. Being in what used to be our home is not too upsetting. It's what I wait for again. However, we have work to do. I assume you have come to spill your wrath concerning Black and Potter, and before you speak, I do hope that you have a more horrendous wake-up call for the werewolf."

"I'm really angry with Remus. I've thought about sending him a Howler that only he can hear. I have yet to devise my sadistic plot," she said with a mad smile on her face.

Severus smirked. "Good. Please make sure I hear all about it." He took another sip and set the cup down. "Fine, what is this news?"

"I found out how Harry is sneaking into Hogsmeade. He has a map. It's called the Marauders Map. Ring any bells?"

Snape's eyes glittered. "How?"

"Seems that Fred and George nicked it from Filch's office during their first year. They decided to hand off the tradition of trouble-making to a new generation."

"Those little shits!" he swore.

"Who?" asked Hermione with a snicker. "Fred and George or James and Sirius? And let's not forget Lupin in all this. I'm going to ring his neck," she said darkly.

"Not before I do," Severus said evilly. He straightened up and said, "Fine, I will make it priority one to make sure he has no reason to use that map. I expect you to thwart him at every turn. Black wrote a part of that map, and it means he knows how to get in. Lupin, the damn fool. Sentimental bleeding heart!" he snarled.

"I have to get back now. Harry will need someone to talk to about his parents," she said as she made her way to the door.

"Happy Christmas, Hermione," purred Severus as he made his way to her. She felt the boiling in her blood, but the damnable man only gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"Cunt-tease," she snapped as she left him.

***

Hermione got back to the common room in plenty of time to meet Ron and Harry. Harry looked awful. It was nearly lunchtime, and he looked as if he hadn't slept in days. It was a perfect winter day. The fire was cheery as the snow was falling gently outside the window. Hermione watched as Crookshanks lay out like an orange shag carpet in front of the fire.

Hermione didn't want to, but she knew Harry. She knew how he plotted.

"Harry," she said nervously as she fiddled with one of her books. "I know you must really be upset and confused about yesterday, but promise you won't do anything rash," she asked quietly.

"Like what?' Harry snapped.

"Like not going after Black?" Ron said equally as nasty.

They began to argue; Harry was incredibly angry. He said that the most terrible thing about the Dementors was how they made him feel. He told them about the horrible nightmares, his mum screaming, his dad trying to save them.

"Please, Harry," Hermione begged as the tears ran down her face. "There is nothing you can do. Leave it to the Dementors. They'll take care of him once and for all!"

"You heard what Fudge said!" Harry yelled. "Azkaban doesn't affect him like other people. He's beyond that."

Ron turned white. "So, now what? You're going to kill him?"

"Stop it!" Hermione snapped in a panicked voice. "Of course Harry won't be so foolhardy. Harry, please be sensible," she whispered as she walked towards him. "Black did a horrible thing, but don't play into his hands and go after him. Don't become him. Your parents sacrificed so much for you. Please, just let it go, and let the Ministry deal with Black."

Harry was silent for a while as Hermione kept her hands on the front of his robe. Finally, he said in a far-off voice, "I'll never really know what my mum and dad would have wanted. Because of Black, they're dead."

Ron tried to change the subject to seeing Hagrid. Hermione reminded them Harry wasn't to leave the castle unchaperoned. Harry got a mad glint in his eye. "No, I want to see him. I want to know why he never told me about my godfather! I want to know exactly when he had planned telling me about my mum and dad!"

Ron and Hermione pleaded with him not to go, but he was determined. Their trip was unsuccessful, as they found a depressed Hagrid who had found out that Buckbeak was to be tried for attacking Draco Malfoy. They promised to help him gather evidence for the case and went soberly back to the castle.

Hermione was relieved. She had been a wreck the whole time, wondering just when Harry would start hollering about Sirius. She had been terrified that if cornered, he would tell them about her past. She was grateful for a calm day, and in the morning there were presents.

"What's that?" Ron exclaimed eagerly.

Harry unwrapped his parcel, and out came a brand new Firebolt.

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "Who sent it to you?"

"No idea," Harry muttered. "No card or nothing."

Hermione felt a fluttering of nervousness and fear deep inside her stomach. "Harry, you can't ride it. You don't know who sent it. It could be dangerous!"

Ron and Harry scoffed at her. While Hermione mulled over the situation, Crookshanks sprang from nowhere right onto Ron's chest. Scabbers had been resting on Ron's shoulder and made a mad dash for it. The chase was on, and Ron was roaring at the top of his voice. The squabbling continued until Hermione locked Crookshanks in her dormitory. Even then, the tension was thick between the three friends. Between the Firebolt and the dueling familiars, Hermione wondered if the three of them would ever be able to salvage their friendships. Ron was already furious at her, and she knew Harry would be murderously angry, for she had decided she needed to inform Minerva about the Firebolt.

Christmas Dinner was quiet and subdued until Professor Trelawney came down from the mount and decided to eat with the peasants. Minerva gave just enough jabs to keep things interesting, and when it was over, Hermione stayed behind to speak with her. She tried to get some look or response from Severus, but he was deep in his evil bastard persona. So she carried on and told Minerva about the Firebolt.

Just as Hermione knew, Harry and Ron were seething at what they considered treachery. She tried to explain her reasoning that it might have been sent by Sirius Black, but they wouldn't hear a word of it. Hermione spent the rest of her holidays alone and miserable. No friends, no Severus. She even started to wonder if he even missed her. She thought a lot about that last Christmas, how he had made love to her, told her he wanted ten babies, and that he just wanted to be with her forever. She remembered making love in that old, rickety bed that had been hers a lifetime ago and felt the yearnings and longings for him. She wanted him inside her again; she wanted to feel his kisses and his lips against her breasts. She sighed as she stared out of the library window. She couldn't remember a time when she had ever felt so alone while surrounded by so many people who claimed to love her.

***

She knew going to Severus would just result in another bout of unresolved sexual tension on her part, so she decided to go see Hagrid. After all, Hagrid knew her, knew her secrets, and knew she was Severus' fiancée. The moment he opened the door to her, she burst into tears.

"Hermione!" he chided sweetly. "Wha's got yer inter a state like this?" he asked.

"Oh, Hagrid. I'm so lonely. Ron and Harry hate me because I told Minerva about the Firebolt. Normally, I wouldn't care. They're just kids who want to have fun; it's just they're all I've really got. Severus can't bear to be around me. It's just too weird." She sniffed and blew her nose. "I am so alone and sad. I miss Severus; I miss the ways things were! And I hate Harry and Ron not talking to me. They think all I want to do is ruin their fun. They just don't know what we know about Sirius," she said angrily.

"I'm sorry, Hermione. They're jus' boys an' all. They don' kno' wha' they're doin' half the time! Don' upset yerself. I'll be havin' a chat wi' 'em meself," he said firmly.

"Oh, please, Hagrid. Don't make them angrier than they are already," she said nervously.

"Don' worry 'bout it!" he said sharply. "They got no business treatin' yer this way. Friends don' treat friends like tha'!"

He started to blush a bit and said, "I don' kno' much 'bout love an' all, but I kno' Snape loves yer very much. Jus' hang in there, Hermione. You'll be together again before yer kno' it."

"Thanks, Hagrid," Hermione said as she dried her eyes. She gave the half-giant a hug and asked him more about Buckbeak. They cried together a bit, and then she helped him with some chores. She felt better after some physical labor. She went to bed showered, clean and exhausted. She slept very well.

***

The next term started, and still Harry and Ron were not speaking to her. Harry still had not received his Firebolt back from McGonagall, so she expected her banishment to last as long as the broom stayed out of Harry's reach.

She threw herself into her work, which was becoming more cumbersome by the day. Every night she was working behind a stack of books, pouring her heart into her research and essays. As long as she studied, she didn't have to think about all the pain in her heart, her longing for Severus and the feeling of betrayal by her friends. Besides, she had to admit that she had forgotten a few things along the way. Although she wasn't garnering any grades, she still wanted to put her best foot forward and do her best. Hermione was not a woman to do anything by half-measures.

Nighttime was terrible. She was experiencing erotic dreams again about Severus and the first time they made love at Spinner's End. Then she dreamt about the time he took her from behind and confessed he had masturbated to the sight of her upside down in her pink knickers when he had cast the Levicorpus spell he'd created. She woke up in the night often and had to go to the lavatory and relieve herself. It was mortifying. She had a vivid memory of what it felt like to be fucked good and hard by her fiancé. But she couldn't get what she needed. She knew she could release some of the tension by getting her fingers inside and working her g-spot, but she was a virgin and didn't want to ruin it. She knew it might be silly to others, but she remembered their first time. They'd both been virgins and were practically fumbling and shaking with need for release. Sure they had found it, but the penetration she had felt had been painful. Severus was older, wiser, patient, and knew his way around her. She wanted him to take her as a virgin and see how good it could be. If she did what her body ached for, her hymen would be torn and the dream over. So she continued to suffer every night and wonder if Severus suffered as well.

***

February arrived, and with it came the news everyone in Gryffindor had been waiting for: the Firebolt was back! Hermione sat, as usual, behind her stacks of parchments and books, as everyone crowded Harry and Ron, wanting a peak. Hermione knew what was coming next...the make nice speech...and was unimpressed.

"See!" Harry said proudly as he showed her the Firebolt. "I told you nothing was wrong with it!"

"Contrary to what you might think, Harry, I am happy there was nothing wrong with the broom. It's nice to know it was safe after all," she said curtly as she continued writing her essay for Transfiguration.

"Can I sit down?" he asked nervously.

"Sure," she said as she moved a pile of parchment off of the spare chair.

"How are you doing all this stuff?" he asked as he looked through some of her charts and parchments.

"Well...hard work and all," she said offhandedly.

"You look tired, Hermione. Why don't you drop a couple of subjects?" he asked.

"I couldn't! I love Arithmancy; it's so interesting..."

Hermione was interrupted by a dreadful, strangled yell. She and Harry jumped up and saw Ron running towards them with a bed sheet.

"LOOK!" he bellowed as he shook the sheet in Hermione's face.

"Ron!" said Harry.

"SCABBERS! LOOK! SCABBERS!"

Hermione looked at Harry as if she thought Ron had done round the twist. Harry looked intently into the sheet.

"Is that blood?" he asked, disgusted.

"YES! BLOOD! HE'S GONE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT WAS ON THE FLOOR?"

"N...no," Hermione replied as her voice trembled.

Ron threw on top of Hermione's Runes homework a patch of spiky shapes that had several long, ginger cat hairs attached.

***

Things had definitely taken a turn for the worse. Hermione doubted she and Ron would ever be reconciled. Ron had been angry for so long that she didn't take more responsibility for her cat, and now Scabbers was dead. Hermione didn't have the heart to confess that Crookshanks never really took to her after her return. He must have sensed something was off, and that was why he was continuously prowling. She didn't know what to do to make Ron feel better. It seemed to her he took a lot of pleasure in making her feel like crap.

Ron's brothers and sister tried to cheer him up by telling him that Scabbers wasn't really dead, but he just insisted playing the martyr. Harry felt that Scabbers was gone and tried to point that out to Hermione. When he did that, she blew her stack.

She slammed her book closed and stood up screaming blindly. "Fine! Just take his side. Everything is my fault! The Firebolt, trying to save your hide in Hogsmeade and now Scabbers, I just can't seem to do anything right by any of you!"

Hermione had had enough. She didn't care anymore. She went down to the dungeons and banged on the door. Severus was tense and nervous, but let her in.

"What are you doing here?" he snapped.

"I can't take it anymore!" she cried. "I want you to give me an Ageing Potion. I can't do this anymore. I don't fit anywhere, and I miss you. I dream about you holding me and loving me, telling me everything is going to be alright, then I wake up and everything is complete shite!"

She sat down hard at one of the Potions classroom chairs and rubbed her forehead.

Severus sighed and sat opposite of her. "What's going on, Hermione? Why aren't you talking with Minerva or your girlfriends?"

She stared at him like he was a complete idiot. "I am not fourteen, you prat! I want to talk with my fiancée, the man until a few months ago was in the world I was living in and sharing my life with. I could tell you anything. Now, I come to you and you just can't be arsed?"

"I don't do well with crying women," he said flatly.

"Since when?" she snapped.

He drew in a sharp breath as he stood up. "Hermione, after you left, I had to become accustomed to being alone. I distanced myself from women, just in case I became tempted, and even then as Head of Slytherin, there was always a young girl who would develop feelings for me, and I would have to listen to the crying after I would reject her. It became something that made me nervous and uncomfortable. Now, I can't seem to recall how I ever managed to keep your love and not drive you from me," he admitted.

Hermione smiled and said, "You were never that great with talking about feelings. You were more of the 'let me show you in my actions' rather than with words. That's how you explained the reason you wanted to kiss me the first time. You didn't use words. You used a song."

"I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain. I wish I could remove it, but I can't. Please go to Minerva. I just can't," he whispered.

Hermione left and wandered a bit, then decided to go watch the Quidditch game. Gryffindor won, and she hurriedly made her way back to get as much work done before the partying started. She was neck deep in her homework for Muggle Studies when Harry came over and said, "Did you come to the game, Hermione?"

"Yes, I did," she replied distantly, not looking up from her writing. "I'm glad we won, too. I think you did well, but I have to read all this by Monday."

Harry slipped an arm around her shoulder. "Come on, Hermione. Have a bit of food."

"I really can't, Harry. I still have over four hundred pages to read. Besides," she said as she nodded her head towards Ron, "he doesn't want me to join in."

Then Ron spoke up over the crowd and said, "If Scabbers hadn't been EATEN, then he could've had some Fudge Flies. He really liked them."

Hermione burst into tears, hurriedly gathered her work and went to her room. Harry feebly tried to stop her, but it was no use. She hated this life. She desperately missed Severus, and he didn't give a shit that she was suffering...just like Ron. All he could care about was his fucking rat!

She didn't know what to do anymore. She was just so angry all the time.

She still hadn't confronted Remus about the Map. Truthfully, she had started becoming afraid of him. He wasn't the boy and young man she'd known. She was smaller and felt vulnerable around him. At times in class, she wondered if he would hurt her if she confronted him. It was eerie being in class with him, and the way he looked at her was very scary. She remembered how much he had cared for her back when she had last been this age, but it seemed more than that. She felt he was feeling her out; she had her Occlumency walls raised whenever she came into contact with him. She was starting to really think he was helping Sirius into the castle. The thought petrified her. If Sirius knew about her, and Remus was sure to tell him, he might try and kill her as well. She was cracking up under the pressure. Something had to give.

And it did in the middle of the night.

Hermione heard a blood-curdling scream that seemed to come from Harry and Ron's Dormitory. Everyone was racing into the common room, and Professor McGonagall was there, furious and demanding answers.

"I tell you, I swear, it was him...Sirius Black!"

Hermione's throat felt constricted.

"It was just a nightmare," Percy kept on insisting.

"IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE! I WOKE UP AND HE WAS STANDING OVER ME WITH A KNIFE!" he screamed. "Just look at my curtains! Ripped to bits, they are!" he continued to yell as the others tried to calm him down.

Professor McGonagall tried to calm everyone down. "Now, really, Weasley, how could Sirius Black have ever gotten into here without the password?" she reasoned.

Ron was undeterred. "Ask Sir Cadogan's picture. Go on, ask him!" he dared her.

Sure enough, Hermione heard that Neville's lost parchment of the week's passwords had been taken and used by a man Sir Cadogan had let into Gryffindor Tower.

***

No one slept for the rest of the night. The entire house was in a state of panic. The only bright ray of sunshine was the upcoming Quidditch final. It was the only topic that would draw Ron out of his anger over the break into Gryffindor tower. One afternoon, Ron was over the bulletin board in the common room while Harry relaxed and Hermione studied.

"Harry! Hogsmeade weekend...next week! What d'ya say?" asked Ron.

Harry slowly rose from his plush chair and ambled over to Ron. "Yeah," he said. "Perhaps everyone will relax and forget about Sirius Black for a while."

Hermione had enough. Not only was she terrified of being murdered herself by Sirius; she was terrified for Harry and for Severus.

"Harry," she said as she approached him. "If you go to Hogsmeade again, I will tell McGonagall about that map!" she swore.

"Can you hear someone talking, Harry, 'cause I can't," said Ron in a bored voice.

Hermione couldn't have cared less. She'd dealt with worse pricks than Ronald Weasley.

"How can you call yourself his friend when you know there is someone out there trying to kill him?" Hermione seethed.

"Oh, so now you want Harry to hate me? Thanks a lot, Hermione!" Ron said sarcastically.

"Just like you're wanting him to hate me?" she retorted.

Ron opened his mouth to say something, but Crookshanks decided to jump into her arms at that moment. Ron's face turned into disgust, and she just gave up, took her cat, and went to her room.

***

Later, she went to see Snape as required and told him about Harry's decision to go to Hogsmeade.

"He's going ahead regardless of what I say. Threatening him with telling Minerva isn't working, so there you have it," she stated dully.

"Hermione, are you all right?" he asked in a worried tone. "You haven't even said 'hello.'"

She looked up at him and narrowed her eyes. "You can't have it both ways, Severus. You can't express interest in my feelings only when it is convenient for you," she said angrily.

"For your information, I haven't been well. My hormones have been fluctuating like crazy. This damn De-Aging Potion has my body working overtime with teenage hormones, and according to Poppy, my body, which has memory cells, has decided I'm thirty-four. I'm hitting my sexual peak. So I'm extremely sexually frustrated and can't get relief because...let's face it...you and I know a helping hand only does so much! Then there is the fact that I am re-living the same hell I had endured when I had been a teenager once before: I have no friends. My house has rejected me. I am alone with no support from my peers. I don't seem to fit in either world. So, to answer your fucking question, Severus, no, I am not fucking all right!" she screamed.

She went to leave, and Severus pushed his hands against the door. "Hermione, what do you want? You want me to make love to you, in your fourteen-year-old body?"

"I just want to stop feeling so damn lonely!" she said as she angrily wiped the falling tears from her eyes.

"Come here," he said. He took her hand, and she followed him into his rooms. She looked around and burst into tears. "It looks the same!" Hermione walked around touching everything, finally sinking to the middle of the floor, curling into a ball, and sobbing.

Severus watched her cry until she was quiet. He picked her up and laid her in his bed with her resting between his legs. She burrowed into his chest, he snapped his fingers, and the blanket covered them. He turned off the lights, and they slept holding one another.

***

In the morning, Hermione felt warmth from behind her. She looked around and saw Severus staring at her.

"You fixed your teeth," he said with a smile.

"Yes." She blushed. "I had to feel like myself," she answered.

"Thanks for letting me spend the night. I really needed that, Severus," she said sadly.

"I am so sorry life is so bad for you right now."

"It's not just being rejected, it's Remus and Sirius. I'm afraid Remus might actually be helping him, and he'll tell Sirius that I'm here and he'll kill Harry, me, and you! I'm just so scared all the time."

"I will protect you, Hermione," he said as he stroked her hair.

They were so close. "Please kiss me, Severus," she breathed. "It's been so long.

He placed a finger on her lips. "September 19th, 1995. I will come for you, bring you back here, and you will never leave me."

The magic that had captured them so long ago on those two separate occasions swirled around them again.

"I will be ready to be yours in on September 19th, 1995, and I shall never leave your side," she vowed, and the magic flowed again.

"What does it mean?" she whispered as they looked again at the familiar magic that encircled them.

"I think that you and I may have to be married on that day, Hermione. You have sworn yourself to never leave my side. How do you feel about being a sixteen-year-old bride?"

"Please!" she sneered. "I'm thirty-four. Believe me, I'll be ready!"

She went back to her room and made out a calendar. It was March 5th of 1994. September 19th, 1995. She had to wait only one year, six months, and two weeks. She would have to learn to deal with it. Perhaps the summer would bring some excitement. Perhaps a trip somewhere to get her mind off missing Severus too much with her parents would be just the thing.

Later that day, after Severus had filled her in with Harry's latest antics with his Invisibility Cloak, she received a note from Hagrid. She waited and approached Harry and Ron with it. Ron had a cutting remark as usual, and she told them plainly that Buckbeak was going to be executed.

***

A/N: WriterMerrin thought it a good idea that an explanation of Hermione being a child on the outside and a woman on the inside would be nice for you all. So here is the conversation that went between us.

WriterMerrin: Was it Poppy or herself who had that theory (of memory cells)? It sounds like just wishful thinking to me. So why didn't these 'memory cells' counteract the aging potion to begin with? Hermione is actually right here. Snape is being such an idiot by saying he doesn't know what he can do. What he can do is give her the potion to counteract the one she took before and release her from this insanity. She has already asked him for it, and he never gave her the courtesy of a response.

Livvy: It was Poppy's assessment. But you can't "counter-act" memory cells because that is what they do, they remember, regardless of what happens to your body. I don't know how it works. I only know we have them, and they can't be altered. So taking a De-aging Potion would not make these memory cells forget the years her body had spent as an adult. Snape can't give her an aging potion. She's supposed to be fourteen, and look fourteen. She'll have to just let the potions Poppy gave her work in her system to alleviate the hormonal fluctuations.

One added thought: when Hermione asked Severus for a potion, it was the Ageing Potion that she wanted. She wanted her old body back, the one she was used to, meaning the Hermione she was before she de-aged and returned to 1993. She feels frustrated and wants to stop the pretense that she is a teenager when she's already done this before.