Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
dracontia143 Reviews | 6.55/10 (143 Ratings, 0 Likes, 101 Favorites )
Do you mean to say that there might be issues with sex at a coeducational boarding school? (Gasp!) And someone might, just might, be upset enough to demand that the school start teaching where little wizards and witches come from? In response to the Sex Ed Challenge at Potter Place, the wildest parody I can devise that does not involve a Jarvey. AU--oh, so goofily AU!
Start ReadingChapters (9)
About dracontia
Author
dracontia
Member Since 2006 | 69 Stories | Favorited by 208 | 51 Reviews Written | 1,397 Review Responses
Mostly Harmless! Though I have to admit, I'm even stranger than I appear. ;-) There's a pile of unbeta'd stuff on my LJ (dracfic) if you're interested in Raw, Untamed, fanfic.
Believe it or not, "How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic" has been rec'ed by Know It Alls! It's true! They gave me this pretty lil' ribbon and everything! And in March 2007, they saw fit to likewise reccommend (as an antidote to angst) the story that started it all, 'Courtesy of Your Fairy God-Jarvey'--just in time for the first anniversary of that story's posting! *hugs Harm*
(I also have to admit that 'mostly harmless' may not be the most apt description of a member of the Mad Chatters...)
Reviews for Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
That was just very sweet..
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*takes a bow* Thank you kindly!
My stomach hurts and I'm feeling lighthead...and all because I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. This is the funniest thing I have ever read. I believe McGonagall's teaching style is the one that made me laugh the most, and of course the reactions to it. Those poor males :)I'm hoping that with the knowledge of what woman go through to have their kids, the boys of Hogwarts just might be a bit more respectful. Or not...either way, I'm looking forward to your next chapter.You're amazing. Please, update again soon!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! Golly, I'd better figure out a bridge over the latest plot hole, and quick!
Minerva is working on her technique, we'll see a bit of that (and her feelings on the subject.)The males are going to get slammed again, but from another source altogether... Let's just say Snape messed with the wrong bunch of ladies!
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! Please go have some more showers to create more wonderful inspirations such as this!
And I must state unequivocally, with all due respect, that you are full of shite.
and
Bloody hell, Mum, what were you thinking? And what can I do to make it up to you?
Perfect!
More, please!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you for another yummy review!Alas, all last night's shower yielded was improved personal hygeine and the urge to sing 'Lydia the Tattooed Lady.' Hopefully my upcoming vacation will rest the frazzled writer and recharge the raggedy muse with inspiration enough to fill in the remaining holes in the last three chapters... Trying to subtly slip in the fact that there will be no updates for a week... sorry!
(does this mean 'sheepish?' Because that's what I'm gunning for.)
Oh My Goddess! *sniffs and wipes away tears, followed by wiping coffee off the screen*Do you think it would be at all possible to have a warning at the beginning of each chapteradvising readers of the danger of choking on foods/beverages/lemon drops at the sheer hilarity inducing content of said chapter?I have very nearly had an accident in my underwear at the fabulous statements in this chapter"Mr Willy?""Merlins Lopsided Bollocks!""Based on the measurements she’s using, I’d say it means she wasn’t paying very close attention to the segment on male anatomy"This is pure class humour of the sexual variant!Almost Pythonesque in its approach, 'remember Every Sperm is Sacred?'Onwards to the conclusion!!!!!Blessings and chocolate *bodypaint* to your muse for inspiration!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
x 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
A detailed warning has been added to the prologue, with reminders to heed it well through subsequent chapters. Your monitor's baptism was not in vain!*muse frantically scrambles around, trying to find traces of the plot in the remaining three chapters*Thanks for reviewing, and I am very glad the looniness is working for you so far!
Yes blame the men. Just think of all these women branded as whores because they didn't have a hymen to break and bleed to prove their virginity. You should send your lecture to the Middle East and save some lives
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
It would be wonderful if mere reality could overcome a situation of ingrained societal attitudes. I think they owe more to power politics than to honest misperception of facts, so it would take more than a lecture to help...Heck, even scientists don't like to change the status quo--look at the poor fellow who tried to prove that stomach ulcers are caused by bacteria; he was practically ridden out of the scientific community on a rail, and it took ten years and someone else nearly stealing his discovery before it was finally acknowledged he was correct.Thanks for stopping by with thoughtful comments.
That arithmancy seems really important...
Hope you update soon!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
No kidding--I'm writing the scene in which it is explained why, right now. (Of course, just not here in the review response... sorry!)That being said, updates are coming soon, and your review is most welcome!!!
Cheers!
Professor Dracontia, I have learned so much about the hymen this evening!Fave quotes:“It’s just not right to treat a man’s bits like that, Minerva,” Charlie said uncomfortably.Of course, she knew better than to mention that to Ron immediately. After all, she was crazy—not stupid.Go Neville! Waiting for the queue to pass Ch. 4 through,Prof. SSL
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*Snerk* I think I may have gone a tad bit overboard on the lecture. But it seemed a shame to research all those variations and not reference them SOMEWHERE!The chapter coming up is one with which you are already *cough* letters *cough* familiar.But Neville will get going in the one after that, never fear! (proud member of the I 
Neville club! I'm pretty crazy about Luna too, come to think of it.)Until next time, my dear professor--Cheers!
Can't. Stop. Laughing! lolololol
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
If you keep laughing, I'll keep writing! Cheers!
ROTFLMAO!!! That staffroom scene is perhaps one of the funniest scenes I have read in a long time!
Although, I've gotta say that Harry's line just after all that was timed so that I had to get up to ease my aching muscles, you had me laughing so hard. The imagery was perfect!
Last two chapters I was thinking Vector was the culprit, and that her shy, timid demeanor is just a red herring. Now... no, I still think she's the one behind the course.
Eagerly awaiting more! (I know the next one is in queue.)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Well, with stocks, the rhythm method, and comedy, timing is everything...I will neither confirm nor deny rumors that someone with an advanced knowledge of Arithmancy was behind this caper. But I will thank you very kindly for your review!
I remember in high school how it was required we take a Health Class - Sex and everything related was included. We had to take it with the guys. I do love how you include both student and teacher thoughts - poor Vector. Although I find a blushing Snape adorable...Anyway, is this going to be SS/HG? Either way, I'm enjoying this greatly, and I can hardly wait for an update!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Hee hee... thank you for the review! As for what is to come, I'm afraid I can reveal nothing. After all, one of the genres for the story is Mystery, and anything I say may give it away (or at least eliminate a red herring. And what's the fun of a mystery without all the red herrings?)I can promise that insights into various thought processes will continue, and that laughs will be at nearly everyone's expense!
As things stood, it bit Bubotubers.
You almost made me choke with that one, dearie! I was eating a popcicle... Ice is not nice inside of the nose!
So many lines, so little room to praise them! This is a jem, though. A jiggling mass of lime jello jewelry.
It was almost a shame the course didn’t have a practical component.
*snort*
Ouch.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Oh dear--I'm glad you found it as amusing as I did, but my intent with these stories really isn't to cause nasal injuries!! Perhaps some warnings are in order...Ooh, I love lime jello jewelry... It doesn't scratch like butterbeer caps, or swing up and smack one in the face like root vegetables. The only problem with it is keeping the cooling charms up so it doesn't melt down one's bosom.Thanks ever so much for leaving a cool and refreshing review in this hot weather!
mas...mas...gimme more!!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Te prometo mas, de pronto! A whole lot mas. Several chapters, in fact, with lots and lots of risque silliness. Thanks for stopping by!
OMG. I was laughing so hard people at work think that I'm nuts.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Tell them it's not you that's nuts, it's the little dragon who can't keep her big paws off the keyboard. Wait a minute, that might not help...Thank you for reviewing! Try not to laugh your way into any trouble!
Oh!
Can't wait, love the story!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! The wait will be short, and there will be a lot more to (hopefully) love before it's over!
Hee Hee Hee! I think I smell an Arithmantic Virgin/Prude? This challenge just rminds me in spades of the farce that was my Reproduction Class at High School. A crackly video on the mating practices of tortioses, followed by a pair of diagrams that looked like a very odd elephant and a large diagram of Africa. The teacher mumbled something about keeping away from boys and going to the school nurse at certain times with 10pence! What was all that about?
I think the 6th years are in for quite a laugh at Vectors expense! I'm longing to know about the Hermione/Erotica literature event!This is going to be hilaity on toast!
Hurry up and update soon please? I'm gagging to see how it develops.Blessings to you and a pound of bertie botts every-flavour-beans for your muse!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
:)X
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Ha Ha! Your tortoise reference reminds of something quite different. When I was at UC, some students made a movie that was shown in the biology classes. It was a detailed scientific study of frogs mating and the whole reproduction/metamorphosis. All very informative and accurate; but with voices dubbed in so it sounded like the male frog chatting up the female frog before mounting her, and the female frog critiquing his performance!More is on the way--hilarity (with or without toast) will be served in the TPP room shortly. Thank you kindly for stopping by!
Lupin not having to teach, wandpoint weddings... there was always something in this chapter to keep me giggling (not at the expense of Snape, of course.)Sadly, when I attended a Catholic grammar school, we had our sex-ed courses from Grade 4 up - coeducational and awkward. So bring on the worst. ;-)Waiting for the torment, SSL.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Whee! The Reign of Repromort will extend for five more chapters, at which point, in fulfillment of prophecy, a heroic epilogue will step in and save the day.Until then, pardner, hang on to your hat and glasses and enjoy the ride! (Because the students and professors sure won't! Or will they?)I think there was a double entendre somewhere in there...
I laughed so hard I cried. My seven year old said I was scaring the baby because I laughed so hard. I love this story.On another note, I went to a public high school in California and had a coeducational sex ed class. Sometimes administrators are idiots.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! I usually have to wait until my kids are asleep before I start writing, since they're tiny yet and need lots of supervision. I know it's funny enough to post when I can't stop myself from laughing, even if I know it might wake them!
"It was almost a shame the course didn’t have a practical component." - brilliant line.I very much enjoyed this lovely installment! Your writing flows beauitfully and the humor is just out of this world. I tell you, this challenge is quickly becoming one of my favorites! Takes a lot of skill to handle the subject. :) (lucky that us muggles had so much sex ed, doesn't it?). Eagerly awaiting your next chaper.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Oh, yeah...We Muggles have it ALL going on when it comes to Sex--Ed. And if we run into trouble, there's always the internet. *snicker!*Thank you for the kind words, for both the story and the idea of the challenge! (Pass it along to my partner-in-crime SS Lupin, when you get a chance!) I promise, the story is almost done--being written, that is. Making the chapters presentable and getting them into the queue and on to you, is another matter. Stay tuned!
I nearly had to use 'Scourgify' myself on my laptop a couple times. Note to self: Never drink Diet Coke when reading dracontia's stories!!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Oh dear--I think I need to go back and add some warnings! Thank you for the praise; I will endeavor to make each chapter more spit-take worthy than the last...
This is the best sex-ed challenge fic that I've yet read! Funny without being crass, and they are all so in character. Excellent work. I am eager to read more. Thanks.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you kindly! I plan to keep 'crass' well out of it--but would you mind if a wee smidge of 'erotic' snuck in at some point?
Anonymous
Great beginning! Can't wait to see what happens next!
Author's Response: Thank you! On that note, methinks I'd better get back into Word and finish up Chapter 2!
very interesting beginning!
Can't wait to see where it goes next.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*giggle* From the professors' point of view, it's going nowhere good, on a fast broom! Thanks for reviewing, and the new chapter is in the queue!
dracontia, dear, how it is that you manage to make me read a WIP every time you start a fic? You aren't using the Imperius Curse, are you? Not that I'm complaining, mind you, but some authors will be jelous of your ability to bend my arm. ;)
Now that I am actually reading a WIP you will be hearing me whining for a new chapter. But you already know me...
Update soon, pretty please? *bats eyelashes*
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Um... loyalty among Ravenclaws? A charming personality? Something for which I may invoke my right against self-incrimination? LOLIn all truth, this is my first WIP! My previous stories have all been completed from the time I began posting them, it just takes a while to go through the beta-and-queue-process. But fear not, I know where this one is going--just not sure how to get there yet! At least two more chapters are on their way as we speak! See you in Chapter One--cheers!
This is HILARIOUS! I just loved the conversation between Flitwick and Sprout. Poor Prof. Vector, lol. Nice work.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
More hilarious (and anguished) conversations between professors, the Torment of Poor Septima, and the agony of the students, are all fast approaching! Thanks for reviewing!
This was incredibly amusing. I'm definitely favoriting it.
I'm looking forward to the next installment!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! Next installment is in the queue, with more to come!