Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
dracontia143 Reviews | 6.55/10 (143 Ratings, 0 Likes, 101 Favorites )
Do you mean to say that there might be issues with sex at a coeducational boarding school? (Gasp!) And someone might, just might, be upset enough to demand that the school start teaching where little wizards and witches come from? In response to the Sex Ed Challenge at Potter Place, the wildest parody I can devise that does not involve a Jarvey. AU--oh, so goofily AU!
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About dracontia
Author
dracontia
Member Since 2006 | 69 Stories | Favorited by 208 | 51 Reviews Written | 1,397 Review Responses
Mostly Harmless! Though I have to admit, I'm even stranger than I appear. ;-) There's a pile of unbeta'd stuff on my LJ (dracfic) if you're interested in Raw, Untamed, fanfic.
Believe it or not, "How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic" has been rec'ed by Know It Alls! It's true! They gave me this pretty lil' ribbon and everything! And in March 2007, they saw fit to likewise reccommend (as an antidote to angst) the story that started it all, 'Courtesy of Your Fairy God-Jarvey'--just in time for the first anniversary of that story's posting! *hugs Harm*
(I also have to admit that 'mostly harmless' may not be the most apt description of a member of the Mad Chatters...)
Reviews for Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
wow! that reall was some ride! i'm feeling a bit dizzy and also quite giddy. maybe i should check in with Madam Pomfrey... oh what the heck, no time... i need to go run and buy another ticket ASAP!i'm usually very stingy with reviews but i justy had to congratulate you on a really enjoyable piece of work.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*bows* Thank you kindly--I'm glad my little turn at amusement engineering met your standards for a second ride!!
awwwwww :)
I meant to say in a previous chapter that I loved the description of Harry's thoughts as he analysed his attraction, it was brilliant!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! I did worry a bit about getting from Point A (confused and questioning) to Point--er, A,B.C (Draco=yummy, let's share!) without seeming too forced. *grin*
hahahaha wow a three some, I don't think I have ever read the G/D/H combo before. . .but hey. . .it has caught my attention. hmmmmmm. :)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Now that I have your attention...heh heh...I have a sort of side story in the works.... for those interested in what, exactly, Harry, Ginny, Draco, and Draco-as-a-girl, are doing together in their spare time--to be appearing on this site as soon as I can polish the details to an appropriately lurid shine!
heeheehee. . .I can't wait to see where this goes. . .the whole Harry/Ginny situation is very thought provoking.
Can't wait to hear what Hermione's essay is about!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! I wish I could have come up with some clever contents for Hermione's essay instead of just skipping straight to the *ahem*... maybe someone else can put their lurid imagination to work on it? *wink*
I LOVED IT!!!! I couldn't stop laughing. You are just too funny...and Reggie was nowhere near this story. 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Hee hee! Thank you! Speaking of Reggie...This story gave the poor old girl the chance for a much-needed vacation, to soothe her frazzled nerves after the whole apprentice training/wedding thing (which was a series of events so involved that it looks like it will take me at least 12 chapters to recount it.) Look for it to start appearing sometime in late September or October!
Response from queenp (Reviewer)
I...love....you!!!! (or at least Reggie. )
So, do I go ahead and 
now or later?
That was so cute, I love the way you wrapped everything up. Draco was a little... odd... but this was a very entertaining story, great job. :-)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! And yes, Draco is definitely... well, that whole relationship... Yeah. A little odd. That sums it up perfectly.
Need more be said? I haven't enjoyed a story so much in a very long time (not even Pook's "Madness," and I adore that story). Thank you for the delightful laughs, silly phrases and general goofiness! I do believe that I am now obligated to read every single story you've ever written or will write because I have deemed you a writing goddess I want to worship. I would put in all the phrases that really tickled my fancy in the last two chapters, but it would take up too much room.
Thank you for writing this, and for coming up with the challenge (w/SSL, of course). Great stuff! Great stuff!
Oh, and big thanks to your husband. They really did need to be put out of their misery (ethics be damned).
Response from averygoodun (Reviewer)
Oh, but one very minor quibble. When Clara kept M and D from barging in on our happy pair, she "narrowed her eyes at Dumbledore. ‘Altais,’ she mouthed at him."
Okay, she mentions in passing that Altais was her husband (the Ancient Runes prof) in the previous chapter, but why would that stop Dumbledore?
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*Happy author squeeing all over the place*Ahem. *blushing*I'm okay now, really. *sniff!*Thank you very much. I know the conventional wisdom at dear old Potter Place is that 'squees' don't help an author grow, but I elect to regard each as a peg in the pole holding the bar--raising it higher each time, and obliging each tale to top the one before, if possible.With regards to the quibble (I love getting quibbles by the way, it gives my racing brain a question to answer, and makes the pygmy puff on the little wheel powering the brain very happy):I probably did not make it quite explicit enough in Clara's conversation with Severus--when she said she was married quite young and snagged her professor, that meant she actually married him while still a student. I'd say more, but this response is getting long, and the lady's biography is in the works. OFCs are pesky beings, BTW; Clara AND the Jarvey are both insisting on biographies now, and really clogging up writing time I need to finish FGJ-III and that smu--er, side story--Sun requested.Dumbledore was, of course, aware of her history and took the not-so-subtle (to him) hint that not every liaison between a student and a teacher is a bad thing.And, in the event he'd been such a hypocrite as to insist on strict letter-of-the-law adherence to rules (*cough* Albus *cough*'Rules? Oh, yes, they're around here, somewhere' *cough* Dumbledore *cough*), what she would have done to his bowl of sweets would have been the least of his problems.And he knew it.
I just wish it weren't over.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Why, thank you! Gosh, how can I make it up to you? Hmm... gotta apply myself to that third Fairy God-Jarvey story, I think...
So they are both insane. Lack of sex can do that to a person I am sure - or rather finally exploding (in the metaphorical and physical sense) can rid a sensible person of some of that sense :D
Yet another wonderful chapter.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Fortunately, it's only temporary--unless, of course, you count any overwhelming attraction insanity, in which case they've gone completely and permanently off the deep end!*taking a bow* Thank you!
*can't stop laughing long enough to review*
...it was rather silly. But I'm glad! Thanks, dracontia's husband!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*snicker* I figure I'd stop just short of making it so silly the characters themselves started laughing too hard to, um, follow through. I think I restrained myself admirably. Thank you for the review! Laughter feeds the muses (since they can't accept tips!!)My Mick is still a little bemused by all this fan-fiction stuff but he graciously accepts the thanks (though when he finally read this chapter, he declared I'd really outdone myself on the sillyness this time! I'm not sure he wants to be associated with it, ha ha!)
Yay! It turned into a Severus/Hermione romance!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Yup. I really couldn't think of a better way to work in Hermione deciding to bring a ruler to bed!
Thank you for reviewing--epilogue is about to launch, so the party's almost over.
Still my favorite of these challenges.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! Hopefully the epilogue (posting any minute now) won't change your opinion for the worse!
I adore this story. It's so funny--I think because so much of it rings true--Sex Ed classes can be utterly ridiculous. Every chapter so far has had me snickering away, I feel very silly. I'm also really hoping that the next chapter has Hermione's detention--PLEASE tell me it does! Is this going in an SS/HG direction? I hope so, there's (obviously) so much potential for her essay. Looking forward to more, very very soon!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Indeed! SSL and I chose to issue this challenge for the very reason that the 'ridiculous' potential was quite high on this topic. No need to feel silly--that's the whole idea! 
One detention, coming right up! Now, will anything ELSE be coming up, is the question?Thanks for reviewing!
Loved the exchange between Clara & Severus. And Draco being able to make the change is just - well, you've chosen the best character for that situation! Although I am eager for some Hermione/Severus action to show up at some point... I am loving this story. Can't wait for your next installment! :)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
You know, aside from Hooch, Draco just seemed like an ever so logical choice for that particular skill. I wonder why?Clara came up and tapped me on the shoulder in the middle of my vacation, of all times, to tell me how to bridge the gap between chapters 6 and 7. That the solution gave her a couple of pages of great dialogue had nothing to do with her generous assistance, I'm sure.Hmm. If there's going to be SS/HG in this story, it had better be in the next chapter, because that's all there is but the epilogue... We'll see!Thank you kindly for the review!
Freddy was sure a big surprise. Apparently Luna taught Prof. Vector the most important things she needed to know. I really like all the faculty interactions, the joking and bickering, the tantrums and traumas. You've done so much to develop these characters. Clara opens up that whole curiousity HP fans have about the Grindelwald war. Keep a careful eye on her--next she may want her own story, not content for long with a backstory. I'm deadly curious what Clara sees when she 'reads' Snape. You've kept a kind of mystery around Snape all along, letting us know he's really nervous and uncomfortable about teaching this class without betraying the reason why. Now that I know about Freddy's equations and charms and how they've provided others with what they needed, I can't wait to read about Hermione's detention with Snape. She's planning something but I can't imagine how she'll get him to take a potion. Praise heaven for your quick updates. Keep it up. ~
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Oh, how right you are about Clara! She's beginning to think it's about time history got the facts about her straight. But seeing as how I owe the fans of Reggie the Fairy God-Jarvey a sequel, I have no idea when I'll get back to her.It shall be confirmed in the next chapter why she feels sorry for the poor lad, though I thought I'd hinted at it pretty heavily in this one. Particularly when she asked his preference of euphemisms for sex, and he replied with 'That's what I'd like to know.' And fortunately, only Hermione has to take the potion. Fortunately for us? For her? For him? All of the above? We'll find out very shortly!I'm pretty sure I've left no loose ends in this story, even though it took an epilogue almost as long as a regular chapter to do it! Freddy's equations always work out, somehow--one of the reasons Septima adores him.Thank you kindly for reviewing once again, and I hope the rest of the tale lives up to previous chapters.
The whole bit of Minerva and Mr. Willy made me so hysterical I couldn't breathe. Once I finally got calmed down, wiped tears and blew nose, you start it all over again with Harry talking about McGonagall beating on the diagram with her pointer until it went limp. You have a wicked sense of humor and you've shared it with Minerva. Bless you. ~
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! My husband thought it was hilarious as well--for a slightly different reason. He said the men's reactions were right on. I said "That's not possible. I was exaggerating for comic effect!" He said, "Oh, no, you weren't!"So, you can be married for six years, and still learn something new.I hope you find the rest of the yarn as amusing--but please, take care to breathe!
yes, we're having lots of fun here.can't wait for the next part!!!by the way, i imagine draco's female name would be ... hmm ... wait a minute ... maybe ... dracontia?
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
he hee... Draco/Dracontia? As much as I love the Victor/Victoria references possible with that... Nah. As you can tell, I never go for the obvious. Or at least, almost never. Though come to think of it, I might be able to stand being a slim, gorgeous, insanely rich blond with an ultra sexy couple chasing after me to use as their plaything... at least for a while!More fun coming right up!Thanks for the review!
=-O I didn't expect anything mentioned in this chapter. 'Twas great, and I applaud your Draco/Harry inclusion. (I know it's a threesome, but I can only see the Draco/Harry :))Carry on, Professor! We have yet to see how the Snape/Hermione situation is going to clear up!
Response from SS Lupin (Reviewer)
I'm your 69th review... and that would normally not be so significant if it weren't for the challenge. :)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Whee! Success! (Surprise-wise, that is!)Hmmm... I think I might be able to help you notice Ginny. I'm writing the side story as we speak... believe me, Harry and Draco are noticing her plenty! (Heck, after the bit I just finished, I want to BE Ginny! Sample: "Oh, gods! Harry! Draco!" "Yes, we are, aren't we?")
This professor can say no more with regards to the Snape/Granger situation, except that Remus is going to have a very befuddled morning!SSL/69--priceless!!!
xoxo!
"I was born Roland."Oh. My. God. That was comic genius... was that another bout of shower inspiration? :DI will now go on to the next chapter (of a written-completed story, yay!) and try not to worry about the fact that I am on vacation and am reading fanfiction. It's not considered insanity if I were to start writing it, too, right?
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
EVERYBODY either makes Hooch gay or the town broomstick. I was trying to figure out how to mix it up a little. It looks like I did passably well!I think you're okay as long as you only jot down ideas. If you start typing and posting, the guys in mint-green coats from St. Mungo's might track you down, and I'd hate to lose my partner in crime!
I can't wait for Hermione and Snape to spend detention together.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
I can't, either! (checks the queue again).
I need a new toy with plantinum tresses and eyes of steel. I wonder if Lucius is available?I would, of course, be willing to share. Great chapter, can't wait until the next one is approved!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
ooooh... toys with platinum tresses and eyes of steel...*shiver*That is definitely providing me with inspirtation for encounters to be included in the upcoming ode to Gryffindor/Slytherin deviance, tenatively titled 'Precious, Exquisite, Beautiful'And if Narcissa has finally chucked Luscious in the bin, I call dibs on his ears. That man's earlobes drive me crazy. Not to mention that spot right between his shoulder blades. (Yes, I get turned on by the wierdest bits...)
*running off in a state of intense, um, inspiration, to write more HP/GW/DM erotica/smut*
Response from zambonigirl (Reviewer)
Hey! If it gets smut written, I'm all for it!And you know Narcissa dropped Luscious like the hot wee potato he is. She's all into being "tragickallie allonee" right now.
Heeheehee! Should have guessed. Both the identity and the Veneramorph. I see you got that quote in!
I LOVE Quill! Love her!
Her fumbling act, sharp wit and kind grandmotherly/ mentor sides all mesh beautifully into a real person. I can't believe I haven't mentioned it before now (I had enjoyed her before this chapter, just not as forcefully).
And although I'll definitely be reading the sidestory you mentioned being in the works, I want to read about Hermione's detention! Does she cast the charm on him? And if so, will she respect him in the evening? I notice you've been dropping hints here and there about that kind of relationship not being unheard of...
Ah well, there's nothing for it but to wait for the queue to spit out the next chapter. Love this story, though. Love it.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! 
*feeling the love for Clara*Whether developing a minor canon character or introducing an OFC, it's always a bit like sending your baby off to school, wondering if they'll do well and be liked. I'm really glad you liked Clara. I have to say, Professor Quill rather hijacked this story! In fact, she insisted on having her say in the final chapter as well as the epilogue. With all that gutsy resourcefulness, I see how she's managed to live to be an old spy.Coming up: Remus is very, very confused and needs a nice nap. And Severus and Hermione need something else, but will they get it?
All Hail and well met dracontia!My foray into your deep psyche has borne marvellous fruit! The Slytherin Sandwich concept is positively delicious. Along with the terms of endearments issued by the *gasp, shock, incredulous expression on my face*... the MARRIED Proffesor Vector! The sexual deviancy of our Gryffindor Duo was a tantalizing trip into Harry's warped mind *not to mention Ginny's*Many many heartfelt thanks for your dedication to this wonderful journey of sexual escapism.Blessings to you and your muses
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
x 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Mmmm... Slytherin sandwich...*eyes glaze over*Oh! right, I was answering a review. Heh heh.Harry and Ginny are truly naughty little lions, aren't they? But I'm sure they'll take EXCELLENT care of their pet snake.And now, in honor of Septima and Freddy resolving their marital problems, we will proceed to the next chapter and ask the REAL virgin professor of Hogwarts to please stand up and... well, we'll see. *wink* See you there! Thanks as always for a most charming review!
Bloody damned brilliant. 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! *blushing!*Oh, boy. I've got a lot to live up to in the last chapter and the epilogue now, haven't I?
Must be fun..
Still waiting for more as always!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Just two more chapters and the party is over (everybody out of bed!)Next chapter has been in the queue for quite a while, maybe should put a bug in someone's ear so it actually posts before the end of the challenge.Thanks as always for the review!