3: The Epistles of Draco and Ron (and The Wisdom of Narcissa and Arthur)

Disclaimer: If these two lads were mine, they’d be bringing home better marks and using better language—or I’d take it out of their hides.

Please see the WARNING! at the beginning of the Prologue. I know this is a short chapter, but it would be a shame to loose any good keyboards on account of it.

Chapter 3: The Epistles of Draco and Ron (and The Wisdom of Narcissa and Arthur)

The Epistles of Draco

‘Dearest Mother,

I hope this finds you well.

Since I have every reason to believe that Father will presently be freezing the account from which I draw my allowance, I have taken the liberty of emptying it completely and forwarding majority of the sum to you. I would like more than anything for you to use it to build and stock that greenhouse you’ve always wanted. Don’t worry, I have set aside what I may need for the remainder of the term.

Please keep any funds you might otherwise use for buying me sweets for the necessary seeds and cuttings and so forth. I’m really too mature for such frivolities, and I would love to see what you’ve been growing when I come home after graduation. Maybe you could raise some of those Full-Moon-Blooming-Lotuses and Acidic Orchids you’re always admiring in the Enchanted Pavilion at Kew Gardens.

Your adoring son,

Draco’

(sent two days later)

‘Dear Father,

The classes in ‘Reproductive Health’ have come to their conclusion. If anyone other than Professor Snape had been teaching the subject, I think I would have dismissed the outrageous claims out of hand. However, considering the esteem in which I hold him, I decided to tentatively accept everything as fact.

I actually went to the library. It’s amazing what one can learn there, Father. Even more amazing, it confirmed everything in the class. Including the lessons on reproduction and birth.

For years, you’ve been telling me that Mother is very delicate and I must not do or say anything that might upset or surprise her. I’ve also heard you say that she is unfit for any strenuous activity or work. I know that many times over the years, she has expressed a desire to pursue Herbology, and each time you refused to pay for the supplies on the grounds that she is delicate and is not to overexert herself.

Well father, I know where little wizards and witches come from now.

And I must state unequivocally, with all due respect, that you are full of shit.

Your son,

Draco’

The Wisdom of Narcissa

‘My Dearest Draco,

I haven’t been this proud of you since you were Sorted into Slytherin, and this has been my happiest moment since discovering that Severus was able to save you from that dreadful mission.

The timing of your letters were impeccable, my darling boy—your father was out of the country on business when he received his, and work was completed on my lovely conservatory well before he could make his excuses and come home to object. I can’t wait to show you the wonderful Carnivorous Carnations I planted by the door. They’re the most pliable little things to train—I’ve managed to teach them to snap at your father if he looks as if he might enter the building with herbicidal intent.

I do hope the timing was intentional on your part. Forgive me, my precious Dragon, but it’s high time you began exhibiting more pronouncedly Slytherin tendencies. (This would also go a long way towards easing your father’s temper. Whatever did you tell him in that letter, dearest?)

Speaking of Slytherin and placating your father, have you found someone to replace Miss Parkinson? I know he would prefer that you reconcile with her, but frankly, the girl is as thick as two Galleons on end and has a face like a Baroque pearl. I’d prefer you make an alliance with someone who could produce children of better quality, even if you must stoop to court a Ravenclaw.

All my love,

Mother’

The Epistles of Ron

‘Dear Mum,

Um, I think you’ve heard this already, but we have been taking a class on something called ‘Reproductive Health’ this term. It’s some of the strangest stuff I’ve ever heard. Almost as weird as Divination. We just learned where babies come from. Hermione swears all of it’s true.

I don’t know what to say. Well, actually, maybe I do.

Bloody hell, Mum, what were you thinking? And what can I do to make it up to you?

Your loving son,

Ronald’

‘Dear Dad,

I understand now why you let Mum run everything. But I still don’t get how you convinced her to have all the rest of us lot, after Bill. Did I miss something? Should I have been paying better attention in Potions? Not that I’ve been skiving, mind.

Love,

Ron’

The Wisdom of Arthur

‘Dear Ronald,

Your mother was rather upset at the language you used in your last letter, though she cried at the sentiment. She may send you a Howler, but she may just as likely go into Diagon Alley and order the better version of the—well, what it is we are buying you for a graduation present. (Don’t bother asking, I’m not going to let slip and spoil the surprise.) Pay close attention to this fact, son, because it tells you the most important thing you can possibly know about witches: they don’t make much sense.

They are awesome, beautiful beings. Dragons are not as fierce and powerful; Puffskeins are not as soft and affectionate. We wizards would be utterly lost without them. And if we all live to be twice the age of Albus Dumbledore, we will never, ever, understand them.

Someday, Ron, you are going to meet a witch who is going to love you for the rest of your life, which will hopefully be at least as long as the average wizard’s. Never take her for granted; she is putting up with more from you than you will ever know, because even if she does complain to you about the things you do that bother her, you will still be confused. Try not to aggravate her; your children will do enough of that. Don’t argue with her if you can help it; you probably won’t understand her reasoning about anything, but because she loves you, you can trust her to do the right thing for you and your family. Above all, whether she is a Pureblood, half-blood, Muggle-born, or Muggle, she is your goddess. Adore her accordingly.

What it all comes down to is don’t try to convince a witch do anything. Just love her and be true to her, and she’ll give you all you ever need and a lot of things you never realized you needed.

And if she is inclined to have a lot of children, don’t ever suggest to her that it might be a good idea to stop at, say, three. That’s how we ended up with Fred and George. Don’t mention that last bit to your Mum. Think of Hogwarts’ motto, if you’re afraid you might let it slip.

Love,

Dad

P.S. Son, I’ve seen your marks. I know very well what you’ve been doing (or not doing) in Potions.’

Author’s Note: This painfully short chapter was the mad kernel around which the entire story eventually grew.