Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
dracontia143 Reviews | 6.55/10 (143 Ratings, 0 Likes, 101 Favorites )
Do you mean to say that there might be issues with sex at a coeducational boarding school? (Gasp!) And someone might, just might, be upset enough to demand that the school start teaching where little wizards and witches come from? In response to the Sex Ed Challenge at Potter Place, the wildest parody I can devise that does not involve a Jarvey. AU--oh, so goofily AU!
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About dracontia
Author
dracontia
Member Since 2006 | 69 Stories | Favorited by 208 | 51 Reviews Written | 1,397 Review Responses
Mostly Harmless! Though I have to admit, I'm even stranger than I appear. ;-) There's a pile of unbeta'd stuff on my LJ (dracfic) if you're interested in Raw, Untamed, fanfic.
Believe it or not, "How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic" has been rec'ed by Know It Alls! It's true! They gave me this pretty lil' ribbon and everything! And in March 2007, they saw fit to likewise reccommend (as an antidote to angst) the story that started it all, 'Courtesy of Your Fairy God-Jarvey'--just in time for the first anniversary of that story's posting! *hugs Harm*
(I also have to admit that 'mostly harmless' may not be the most apt description of a member of the Mad Chatters...)
Reviews for Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
I found your story last night. I had to read it all the way through to its superb ending. Had me choking with laughter at the various situations. Malfoy Junior was a revelation and what an inspiration to put him with Harry and Ginny. The snaring of Snape by Granger was very Slytherin indeed and glad she got an Outstanding from him with her persuits.
The grande Finale was most revealling for everyone and seeing the reactions to the variety of pairings was very satisfying indeed.
Super story that gets five stars from me. Superbly crafted, written and thought out. Sad to see its ending.
Thanks so much for writing and even more for sharing.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you most kindly for reviewing! I noticed you had a bit of a review marathon, so here's hoping everything else lived up to good old Birds & Bees! :D (good grief, I've been doing this long enough that I have 'old' stories @_@)
I was laughing aloud reading certain parts of this--to the point where my husband asked me if I'd share the link. THAT is a compliment! ;)Thank you so much for sharing, this was so much fun to read!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Yay! Referrals! There are few comliments higher than having so much fun you want to share it. 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Yay! Referrals! There are few comliments higher than having so much fun you want to share it.
I never thought of it before, but Ron realy does have, the tact of a jarvey. This is just comic brlliance, from begining,to end. 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you most kindly, my dear, for all your lovely reviews. Even Ron-as-Jarvey would be able to find a few appropriate words of gratitude in the face of such appreciation! 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you most kindly, my dear, for all your lovely reviews. Even Ron-as-Jarvey would be able to find a few appropriate words of gratitude in the face of such appreciation!
Many thanks to your husband, (I'm sure Severus and Hermione, are blowing him kisses). I laughed out loud, when she summoned the ruler, such an Hermione thing to do.Thank you.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
The ruler was essential! I think I shall keep my Harry; he has some good ideas, even if he will insist upon reading over my shoulder 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
The ruler was essential! I think I shall keep my Harry; he has some good ideas, even if he will insist upon reading over my shoulder
The pet names, adorable. 
You give new meaning, to the term, threesome. 
On to detention. You are truely BRILLIANT. 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
I always wondered if it was more of a three-and-a-half-some... or something like that. I wrote some of their adventures, but ended up posting them incomplete under f-lock on my LJ since the process was turning my monitor purple. 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
I always wondered if it was more of a three-and-a-half-some... or something like that. I wrote some of their adventures, but ended up posting them incomplete under f-lock on my LJ since the process was turning my monitor purple.
"You impossible,book-reguigitating know-it-all'' Severus, you silver tongued devil. That's almost sweet talk. (for you) ''Do not crucio ? the Granger chit''. We will have to wait ,and see where the evil, good, lovely, inspired, author, will lead you.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Sweet talk, indeed... It takes a special type of understanding (or thick skinned) witch to deal with Snapely wooing! 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Sweet talk, indeed... It takes a special type of understanding (or thick skinned) witch to deal with Snapely wooing!
Once again ,I find myself gratefull, for your warnings. If Severus being "depressingly unresponsive when it came to arousal'' hadn't got me, the ''Easter Bunny'' or the '' courgette in the plumbing'' would have caused havoc, to my health, and bank balance, (lap-tops do not come cheap). Every girl in class, must have gone AWWWW 
, at Nevilles speech.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Indeed, no computing device can be had without significant damage to the wallet! (Given the relatively traumatic content Minerva had to relate, I'm glad humor won out 
)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Indeed, no computing device can be had without significant damage to the wallet! (Given the relatively traumatic content Minerva had to relate, I'm glad humor won out )
I love Draco's letter to his mother, and his fore-sight, in takeing care of his banking , before writing to nhis father{ who is now, and always has been ''full of shite''}. It's a good thing,that Narcissa can handle anything Lucius can dish out. If Ron listens to his dad, and it seems likely that he would, he will be a happy man. Arthuas letter, brought a tear, just so sweet, and rings true.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Those letters were the original moment of inspiration and the nucleus of the entire story. Every time I felt like giving up on the whole convoluted plot, I made myself persevere in the interests of doing justice to them!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Those letters were the original moment of inspiration and the nucleus of the entire story. Every time I felt like giving up on the whole convoluted plot, I made myself persevere in the interests of doing justice to them!
The relationship between Slytherins, and the squid, is a little bit of a worry. Thank you for the warnings, having read your work before, { love to Reggie by the way } I shall take the appropriate steps ,to ensure a safe reading experance.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Yes, about that... I don't know why, but there was a vogue for Squid/The Potterverse back then (if it maintains to this day, do be a dear and keep me in the dark...) and I decided to, if not jump on the bandwagon, at least to throw some innuendo under its wheels.Er... 
*looks up at that sentence* The reason it takes me so long to respond to reviews is that I find I write some really odd things after 10 PM... which is usually the only time I have the leisure to putter about online. Please excuse the strange turn of phrase and accept my belated thanks for your review!
Response from mick42 (Reviewer)
Thank you for taking the time to respond, you are one of my favourite authors. I too have left some odd reviews in the wee small hours, authors have always been very kind, and not pointed out odd spelling and rambling incoherent sentences. Thank you again for sharing your storys, they have given me so much joy.
P.S. Love to Reggie
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Yes, about that... I don't know why, but there was a vogue for Squid/The Potterverse back then (if it maintains to this day, do be a dear and keep me in the dark...) and I decided to, if not jump on the bandwagon, at least to throw some innuendo under its wheels.Er... *looks up at that sentence* The reason it takes me so long to respond to reviews is that I find I write some really odd things after 10 PM... which is usually the only time I have the leisure to putter about online. Please excuse the strange turn of phrase and accept my belated thanks for your review!
Response from mick42 (Reviewer)
Thank you for taking the time to respond, you are one of my favourite authors. I too have left some odd reviews in the wee small hours, authors have always been very kind, and not pointed out odd spelling and rambling incoherent sentences. Thank you again for sharing your storys, they have given me so much joy.
P.S. Love to Reggie
Poor Hermione, unseemly breathing? Ron, still not a clue, Ginny and Harry, busy doing homework, does Luna have eyes for Ron? Severus must have felt like he was being, bitten to death by a butterfly. 
To top it of, cry FREEDOM!!!, so much in one chapter. Ahhh, happy sigh.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Filius Flitwick: carnivorous butterfly. I'm going to treasure that one!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Filius Flitwick: carnivorous butterfly. I'm going to treasure that one!
Practical component? I wonder if she has a study buddie in mind.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Some tutoring may eventually be involved
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Some tutoring may eventually be involved
Bahahahahahahahaha! WONDERFUL! I think my favorite bit was Severus being a happy bunny :)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
I reckoned that it was past his turn 
. Thanks very much for reviewing!
Fun story - interesing plot developments.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! I did try to write pure comedy, but somehow, a plot came along for the ride.
This story is so unbelievably funny and even a little informative*!
Whether it is “that Potter-Weasley-Malfoy abomination”, the war between Hermione and Severus in Sex-Ed- I am still not sure which of them is scarier- or “The Epistles of Draco and Ron”. It’s all so perfect. There are even some very touching moments like the interaction between Severus and Prof. Quill, who is a great original character. She starts out as that absentminded, quirky old Professor that everybody tends to underestimate and that develops into that wise, sharp-witted and caring ex- double agent, who does not understand why nobody ever asked what she got up to with Albus Dumbledore.
She even manages to take care of her descendents in all that chaos. Another great moment: Ron stating that his Luna is the clearly sanest of the lot. I really loved your Clara. Septima is nice too, she is so huggable. Now before I write a whole paper on this: Thanks so much for sharing this story!
* I’d like to meet that nun of yours.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you for such an in-depth review! I am quite fond of my characters, so whenever someone finds them likeable--especially Clara, who made herself at home in my heart--it's a wonderful feeling. No author is ever going to begrudge a review that's a 'paper.' (LOL about wanting to meet 'Sister Sergeant!' I still don't think it's a good idea to use her real name, she probably googles it!!! 
)
WO0T!That was funneh!=)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*bows* Thanks very much--glad you enjoyed it! 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*bows* Thanks very much--glad you enjoyed it!
good thing you put the warnings in but i did choke on my cherry juice, tho. great story! i especially loved the couples you coupled. thanks so much
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Mmm, cherry juice...
So glad you enjoyed it--thanks for reviewing!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Mmm, cherry juice...
So glad you enjoyed it--thanks for reviewing!
In Egypt. You know, the land of d Nile.
LMAO
Brilliant, hilarious, crazy!! :D
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thanks for hanging on to this rollercoaster-sans-brakes 'till the end. Glad you enjoyed it!
A mutual deflowering! Just as well they had just had all that sex-ed, they might not have known what went where, and what to do once they figured it out! Very silly!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*snicker* I thought of having them consult books during the process, but the ruler was quite absurd enough! :D
He evidently speaks bureaucrat as a second language. Must use that expression at work!
Harry/Ginny/Draco sandwich sounds tasty!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Well, it's always handy to be bilingual! Um, happy snacking... :)
Getting Flitwick pissed before the Ministry mission was a tad irresponsible. Imagine the mayhem he could cause!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*sigh* I wish I'd had enough space to make good use of Pissed!Flitwick. I guess we'll just have to get him well-lubricated and take him somewhere he can cause mayhem in a different story!
I know, it's the squid! It's sick of all those Slytherins annoying it, and wants them to look elsewhere for their dubious pleasures!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Hee~but what if the Squid is a voyeur? (No, wait, that would be a whole 'nuther fic...)
LOL Draco telling off his father, and taking his money out his account first!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*giggle* 'Secure your line of funding' is item #2 in the Slytherin Handbook, between 'know where the bodies are buried,' and 'make sure your arse is covered.' ;)
The staffroom debriefing is hilarious, they may all need counselling at the rate they are going!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
I don't know about counseling, but I can promise them all a good, stiff drink!
Dare Hermione to ask Snape for practical demos. ( thinking of that Monty Python Scene in "The Meaning of Life")
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
LOL Keep that idea in mind for Friday chat. :D
Poor old squiddy missed out on a bit of fun, the spoilsports!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
One wonders how anyone braves the cold enough to give the squid a show in the first place!