Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
dracontia143 Reviews | 6.55/10 (143 Ratings, 0 Likes, 101 Favorites )
Do you mean to say that there might be issues with sex at a coeducational boarding school? (Gasp!) And someone might, just might, be upset enough to demand that the school start teaching where little wizards and witches come from? In response to the Sex Ed Challenge at Potter Place, the wildest parody I can devise that does not involve a Jarvey. AU--oh, so goofily AU!
Start ReadingChapters (9)
About dracontia
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dracontia
Member Since 2006 | 69 Stories | Favorited by 208 | 51 Reviews Written | 1,397 Review Responses
Mostly Harmless! Though I have to admit, I'm even stranger than I appear. ;-) There's a pile of unbeta'd stuff on my LJ (dracfic) if you're interested in Raw, Untamed, fanfic.
Believe it or not, "How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic" has been rec'ed by Know It Alls! It's true! They gave me this pretty lil' ribbon and everything! And in March 2007, they saw fit to likewise reccommend (as an antidote to angst) the story that started it all, 'Courtesy of Your Fairy God-Jarvey'--just in time for the first anniversary of that story's posting! *hugs Harm*
(I also have to admit that 'mostly harmless' may not be the most apt description of a member of the Mad Chatters...)
Reviews for Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
Oooh, is detention coming up next?
Should have guessed that Draco was a girl/boy (I cannot spell that wonderful word you came up with) in the sex department...simply brilliant.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
DE-ten-TION! DE-ten-TION! DE-ten-TION! YAY!!!
Hmm... was that a little too heavy on the foreshadowing?Brilliant? Really? *blushing!* Thank you!!Happy bunnies and confused werewolves, coming right up!
Oh, great chapter! I hope Snape does't harrass Hermione too badly, though she could hold her own. Do you have a Live Journal?Anyway, great story, and I can't wait for the next update.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Hmmm. Hold her own, or hold his?(Bad dracontia! Bad, bad!)
I'm afraid I never got into LiveJournal. It always makes me feel a bit like I'm missing something, but I think I still would be, anyway!*spacy*
Thank you, and updates are on the way--in fact, the story's done, and only the queue stands between the world and the bid reveal! (or reveals...)
Bring forth the Shower Gell, Shampoo and Conditioner! The muses must be adequately cleansed for the next marvellous chapter of this fic.No beverages or foodstuffs were consumed in accordance with the warnings at the beginning and for that I am truly thankful.....especially when faced with such gems of hilarity as “My only regret,” she said solemnly, “is that the rules of Quidditch are such that I can never try out for the Harpies.” Then she cracked a huge grin." along with..."Do NOT Crucio the Granger chit… Do NOT Crucio the Granger chit… It doesn’t matter that she is plainly possessed by the evil shade of Bella Lestrange… You’ve gone this many years without using an Unforgivable on a student, don’t drop the Quaffle now…"This literary work of art is gaining momentum faster than a speeding Hippogriff. All we *the hopelessly hooked readers* need now is more with possibly a little juiicy lemon in there somewhere? Maybe with our two favourite denizens of the dungeon? Or Ginny and Harry exploring a little sexual deviancy of their own? I know....how about Roland and a certain 30 yr old Virgin? I bow to the alatar of the great dracontia 
Blessings
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
x 
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Ah, the muses have skipped off on a well-deserved holiday, determined to take a wee break before the next story--seeing as how this one is complete, and but awaits the movement of the queue to post. 
There do be lemonade on the horizon, and perhaps a bit of that infamous fruit will make an even juicier appearance... just remember the lesson of Rolanda/Roland: Not everyone is as they seem!!Thanks again for the encouraging words! I use them not only to write more stories, but to get through my driving exam (finally passed--it only took me ten years...
)
Interesting, funny (up to and including ROTFL for that "Headache, Severus?" reply), and getting better all the time. Thank you.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
You're most welcome! Thank you for the review, and hopefully, you will find still more to laugh at in the wrap-up.
Brings new meaning to the phrase "Gender Bender" Very interesting twist!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Ah yes, she does 'swing both ways' with a vengeance... just a few more twists, and the dance is over!
Badly timed drinking is always interesting!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Hmmm... Well-timed drinking can be, as well! Here's to the big reveal!
I can't wait for Snape's next class..
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*snicker* Funny, he's looking backward to it!Somebody should have put a Silencing Charm on Pansy, though. (Ooops!)
Still loving the story. I was trying to be quiet while laughing. My husband thought I was crying. I can't wait for an update.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
I know what you're talking about. I get a lot of 'Mommy, are you okay?" when I'm reading (or sometimes when I'm writing!) funny things on the computer. Thank you for reviewing, and the next chapter is very nearly through the queue!
Oh, the Veneramorph was inspired, I think! I need to stop laughing before I review more, though.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Ah, and there's another little mystery... is there another Veneramorph at Hogwarts for Hooch to train?(And who gets to enjoy him/her?)
I can't believe I'm stuck here at the end of your updates, and I have nothing else to read. I'll be heartbroken until you continue. And please do, this is an excellent bit of fanfiction.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*sniff* Yer breakin' me shrivelled, leathery black heart, matey! Just fer that, the rest of the story (all but the epilogue) is in the queue!Thank ye kindly for the words of encouragement!(danged youtube!)
This is really interesting, and very dry in the humor department, which I love. Dry, understated humor is so fantastic, and so few people get it right. You are up there with them! Moving on to the next chapter.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! I try to keep my humor fairly dry so it will light even in inclement weather. Hopefull you will find plenty more to hold your interest!
Okay, I'm starting to think that McGonagall is the culprit. We don't know anything about her Arithmancy skills, but... Granted, Genius!Hermione is always a suspect. And Luna's comforting speech makes her a very suspicious character as well... *shrug* We'll find out soon enough.
Now on to the important stuff.
I LOVE this story! Love it, love it, love it! I like the Slytherin girls' deal, and of course they'd know how to make an offer Hermione wouldn't refuse! I love Snape and Remus' reaction, that there was an "agreement" at all!
Neville is a sweetie, and hopefully some of the other boys will take note of the impromptu lesson and run with it.
Favorite line: Severus decided it would seem childish if he said, ‘I knew that!’ so he settled for looking smug.
Now, where's that next chapter? In queue, I know, but... *stamps foot impatiently*
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Next chapter is up, and the one to follow is THE BIG REVEAL! (Duh-dunh DAH!)
You've been so diligent about guessing, the only person who's really had the guts to come out and commit something to the reviews... gah, okay, I'll give you a hint: try to come up with the identity of the culprit, because it's not possible for you to know the name...Oh, and the identity of the person who set this up is not the only secret that will be revealed in the upcoming chapter!Good old Neville... I have no doubt his earnestness shall be rewarded, with much appreciation from his lady witch!Thank you, as always, for leaving treats for the muse!
love the story, quite witty and and most entertainingthe interaction between the teaching staff is just priceless
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! I decided it would be fun to have a lark with the professors. Their sufferings will be at an end soon, and it will all be over but the drinking!
heeheehee brilliant as always! Can't wait to hear more about the little green book. . .and the squid/squib thing is pretty funny :)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Coming Up: Hermione reads and reviews the 'little green book...'It's too bad I've actually finished writing the story (the rest is in the queue, waiting to be posted.) I should have done something about the loneliness of the squid! LOLThank you kindly for reviewing!
Response from sweet mystery (Reviewer)
hahaha there's always room for a one shot sequel about the quid *winks*
OMG! Slytherins going after the squid because the little green book was translated incorrectly. Hehehe. Another good chapter!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
You know, I just realized that once this gets out, the poor squid's going to be a bit neglected. Thanks for reviewing (especially for enjoying the joke I've been setting up since the Prologue!)
I'm once again light headed from laughing so hard. Thank you so much for the wonderful story. I'm so glad you've updated, but I'm always left wishing for more to read. I'm addicted to your story. Please update again soon!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Uh-oh... Mum's going to have a fit if she finds out I'm purveying addictive substances! The next chapter is currently up, and all the rest (but for the epilogue) is in the queue. Your review is greatly appreciated!
The little green book, Lupin dropping his cup, poor Neville... great chapter, Professor, am eager for the next chapter. =]
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*doing a very un-Professorial celebratory boogie-woogie* Story is FINISHED! So every chapter will now bring us closer to the end (sigh)The only remaining question is, who dunnit? Why? and most importantly, who gets, um, for lack of a more delicate term, laid?
As always, it's a delight to have you 'round to the office, my dear professor! Cheers!
You talking about horror stories reminded me of one I heard about an orange. One of my friends worked in the gyne department of our local hospital and has all manner of horror stories about women and fruit! What the heck the woman with the orange was doing I have no idea, but I do know that I really don't want to know.
This is making me giggle. Thank you. I look forward to the next parts.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Egads. I think Minerva should take her lecture on the road. That's not what's meant by 'get your five a day', ladies!Thank you for reviewing!!
Oh my god! The exchanges between Draco and his folks were truly inspired! And much deserved heeding your warnings.And Ron . . . I don't know what to say, other than that I can see his freckles standing out quite starkly against his extremely pale, slightly greenish skin!Looking forward to more chapters. :-)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*sigh* I wish I could squeeze a few more inspiration genies out of that shampoo bottle! Thanks for reviewing!
"You may stop when you reach the clitoris.”Not if he’s hoping for another date, the female population of the class thought.Oh, bravo!! Perfect comeback!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! Will strive for more highly appropriate (or inappropriate, if funnier) comebacks in the upcoming chapter!
Thanks to your personal hygiene I'm enthralled by this nugget of fictitional yummyness! I approached this chapter without either food or beverage after the last incident *I don't think my monitor could cope!*Draco informing his dear papa that he is (and I quote) "Full of Shite" was priceless! Ronald the poor dear questioning his father *the big soppy sod* "But I still don’t get how you convinced her to have all the rest of us lot, after Bill. Did I miss something?"I have to say that I questioned my sanity having my son after the horrendous time I had giving birth to my daughter! 
Onwards to the conclusion then I can wait for the next plot bunny out of the shampoo bottle!Blessings xx
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*whacking the shampoo bottle* Get out of there already! I need more ideas! Next chapter is in the queue, and between fighting profound depression at failing the behind-the-wheel driving test (yet AGAIN--my baby daughter is going to have a driver's license before I do, at this rate) I am trying to wrap this puppy up! Though it is going to take one more chapter than I initially planned.Thank you so much for reviewing! And blessings feel particularly reassuring right now. 
I'll have to go back and review the other chapters, but I have to know, were you thinking of Camelot and King Arthur singing How To Handle A Woman when you wrote this? Arthur Weasley's letter espouses the same philosophy on women as the song does, plus that his name is the same is too much to be just coincidence. The only fault I find in that philosophy is that it fails to overtly acknowledge our superiority over the male of the species. Just look at Narcissa and how she is keeping control of Lucius with those carniverous carnations. Molly has always controlled the Weasley family, although it must be very difficult with Fred & George.I wonder if that is what's wrong with Percy, does it stick in his craw that his mother, Ginny and all other women are superior to him? Just think what potential Hermione and Ginny have and Luna, Hannah and the rest. Somebody has to get Vector to see that, then she'd function in the world outside of Arithmancy. Even Draco has come round to see that it's true, women are the superior gender.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Well, I couldn't be thinking of that about which I know nothing--and since musicals are not my cuppa, this is amazing coincidence. I just figured it was obvious to anyone with a reasonable degree of wisdom, which I presume is what helps Arthur keep his sanity amidst that lot!As for superiority, I'm more of a yin-yang, 'woman and man balance each other' type. Assuming that genders comprise merely male and female, which isn't a safe assumption--not in the Muggle nor in the wizarding world! More on this soon!
So that's the bit I read part of... silly me and my bad memory. :)Well father, I know where little wizards and witches come from now.And I must state unequivocally, with all due respect, that you are full of shite. ~ Still one of the best lines ever .Continue on with your shower plot bunnies!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
I think I almost inhaled a soap bubble, having that line pop into my head unexpectedly! My husband was knocking on the bathroom door asking if I was okay.The plot bunnies are all hiding in their holes until I'm done with my driving test tomorrow. Wish me luck--if I don't get my license this time, I might be too depressed to write!
Response from SS Lupin (Reviewer)
Good luck on your test! While depression is great for writing angst, the humor comes from a happy (or demented) mind. :)
That was a lovely letter from Arthur. And a Narcissa that loves Herbology? Wonderful! I always like a story to show more to Narcissa than what we've seen so far.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! I will be trotting Narcissa out to play in future FGJ stories. She has just one more little vignette in this one--uh oh, I didn't say that, did I?
A fantastic installment. Ron and Draco's letters were remarkably IC, I thought. Draco's "you're full of shite" to his father - brilliant! Loved Narcissa's response, and Arthur's was just brilliant... well, of course all the women readers will love Arthur's response! I thought at first that Ron would accuse his father of putting his mother through all that pain, but you put some very lovely twists on it. A pleasure to read - I can't wait for more. :)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Poor Ron... his mind was a wee bit boggled... And Draco has finally found a constructive use for all that inherent sneakiness. Thank you kindly for reviewing--I have not yet begun to twist!