Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
dracontia143 Reviews | 6.55/10 (143 Ratings, 0 Likes, 101 Favorites )
Do you mean to say that there might be issues with sex at a coeducational boarding school? (Gasp!) And someone might, just might, be upset enough to demand that the school start teaching where little wizards and witches come from? In response to the Sex Ed Challenge at Potter Place, the wildest parody I can devise that does not involve a Jarvey. AU--oh, so goofily AU!
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About dracontia
Author
dracontia
Member Since 2006 | 69 Stories | Favorited by 208 | 51 Reviews Written | 1,397 Review Responses
Mostly Harmless! Though I have to admit, I'm even stranger than I appear. ;-) There's a pile of unbeta'd stuff on my LJ (dracfic) if you're interested in Raw, Untamed, fanfic.
Believe it or not, "How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic" has been rec'ed by Know It Alls! It's true! They gave me this pretty lil' ribbon and everything! And in March 2007, they saw fit to likewise reccommend (as an antidote to angst) the story that started it all, 'Courtesy of Your Fairy God-Jarvey'--just in time for the first anniversary of that story's posting! *hugs Harm*
(I also have to admit that 'mostly harmless' may not be the most apt description of a member of the Mad Chatters...)
Reviews for Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees
You've done something remarkable - managed to get me to review (other people have usually said everything I want to in their reviews far more eloquently than I manage myself).This is pretty much the funniest fics I've ever read, so I'm off to work my way through your other stories. You've also done a grand job of the utter terror felt by the teachers at having to teach sex ed. Its one of the bits of teaching I dread above all others.*applause*
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you very kindly! I do hope that you will find something pleasing amongst my assorted drivel. Anything I can do to brighten a teacher's precious free time makes me feel as if the electricity running this great box of wires under the desk was well-spent.And truthfully, we (earnestly amateur) authors are delighted to receive any review--including the simple, lovely, and elegantly understated *applause*. After all, you can't legally throw money! :)
I missed when you posted this, but I'm glad I found it now. It was incredibly funny, and I loved to get to know so many details about all the staff and pupils. They all became characters in their own right. And with SS/HG on top, who wouldn't enjoy your story?
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm glad that you found it as well, since it pleases you. It's my joy to make folks laugh (and to get the supporting characters a little love in the process!) :D
You (and beta, of course) rock the world!! And not a Jarvey in sight. I should also mention that laughing that hard could produce pronounced abs in underweight readers, and help slim those of us who aren't. 
you rule!! Oh and Draco as a woman, hmm, probably resembles more Narcissa than Lucious-- I mean Lucius.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! And, for the record, I am sure that reviews reduce stress hormones in authors, and help prevent them from snacking on less nutritious verbiage. :-)
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you! And, for the record, I am sure that reviews reduce stress hormones in authors, and help prevent them from snacking on less nutritious verbiage. :-)
I love the epistles! What a hilarious insight! Particularly Draco's!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*bows* Thank you kindly, luv! Glad you're enjoying the ride. 
Students shuffled in behind him like so many dejected cygnets trailing after a cranky black swan.~ I love this line ~William Wallace could have only wished to elicit that much enthusiastic support from a crowd. ~ and this one! ~
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*snerk* That first one is, hands down, one of my favorite images ever. I picture Snape with this figurative thunderstorm brewing over his head (yet still gliding along), such that the tall students are sort of hunched over, trying to escape his notice, and the short ones are sort of skittering behind the tall ones. :-DThanks for stopping by and reviewing!
Thank you for the laugh. I think I sprained a lung. Or a rib.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
LOL There's a potion for the pain on the second shelf of the medicine cabinet (blue vial). Thank you very much for reviewing!
I think I love Arthur. I had never thought of him in that way before, but what a wonderful letter.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*beams* I think it should be much more widely recognized that Arthur is a very lovable guy! (This letter is a salute to one of the few males in the HP universe who isn't evil, a headcase waiting to happen, or both!)
I love the Jarvey comment! I have read all of your Fairy God-Jarvey fics and love them. Bringing her into this seemed only natural! Great work as always!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you kindly! Reggie may take a well-deserved break now and then, but she--or at least, her sense of humor--is never too far from my keyboard. 
I absolutely loved this story, and it was very funny. My favourite parts were Snape's "mental illness," and the profs' absolute disgust at having to teach the course. Great job.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you kindly! Glad you enjoyed it. :)
the average is 5 1/2?!? I so didn't know that... well don't i feel like the luckiest girl out there now?
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
LOL! We're here to educate--even for those whose hobby is pressing their luck. (insert evil laugh here) Thanks for the review!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
LOL! We're here to educate--even for those whose hobby is pressing their luck. (insert evil laugh here) Thanks for the review!
Great story... well thought out and well written... I loved the Professor Vector plot and despite the fact that I don't normally enjoy original characters, I really enjoyed Professor Quill, especially the twist at the end!Also you did a wonderful job with an inexperienced Snape (for a change)!Thanks!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
P.S. Professor Quill was such a great character, I would love to read another story featuring her.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thank you kindly! I was quite afraid that I'd lose the logic somewhere in the looniness.I do believe Professor Quill has captured my heart, and I would very much like to write something about her checkered past in the not-too-distant future. Have started said story, in fact... but completion will have to wait until I get over my fear of delving into the completely uncharted (in canon) history of the war with Grindelwald. (Author shyly points to her 'Not Exactly Sorted Into Gryffindor' t-shirt.)Yours truly (in Ravenclaw blue)~dracontia
Such a great story! I really love the wordplays you have peppered throughout this story. Definitely a new favorite!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Thanks very much! Incidently, love your screen name. :-D
Response from Bouncing_Ferret (Reviewer)
If you like, I have two fics under this name at Ashwinder. I've enjoyed all of your fics, btw. Are we going to see a return of the fairy-godjarvey anytime soon? Maybe with a baby?
Lovely dear dracontia,
First I have to apologise for taking this long to read and review after begging for updates in the first chapter. Life haven't been... well, as usual...
*sighs* Now that I feel better with myself by saying the above, let's go on with the actual review:
I love it! It was great! Every part of it was funny, witty and adorable.
*squeeeeee*
oh, and since student/teacher is a kink of mine, do tell your husband that I'm very greatful of his intervention in the other chapter... it would have been painful for all characters involved if you forced them to wait any longer. And really, do you think a guy would be so worried about ethics when a young woman like Hermione throws herself at them? In that fetching maner of complaying with his kinky fantasy?
I think more squees are in order.
*squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee**squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
Did I mention that I love it?
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Maddy, honey, you're adorable! I hope that 'not as usual' doesn't mean anything too serious.I'll convey your thanks to my sweet Mick--although he's a little overcome with all the gratitude he's gotten for his intervention in that little scene. *grin* And of course, now that there is no more ethical dilemma, the lovely pair will be enjoying a wide variety of kinky fantasies as often as their schedules alllow. Woot! (too bad the story is over and there's no more room for them. Oh well, just have to make the HP/DM/GW PWP steamier to make up for it.)I'm awfully glad you enjoyed this--please let it atone for the lack of Reggie lately! The third installment is shaping up, but there's a bit more plot than usual, and some fairly wild twists that still need working out. (Plus it's probably going to be about twelve or more chapters long!)
My most favorite line was when Flitwick said "she was impressed by my charms" that earned you an out loud laugh and my need to dash downstairs for a class of wine from the box in the fridge! Dracontia girl you make me hoot with laughter! Now on to the SS/HG and I hope its kinky as all hell.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Professor Flitwick takes a few minutes to raise his glass with you, on his way out to his next hot date with the lovely Professor Devereaux!I hope you weren't too disappointed with the SS/HG bit--I was shooting more for silly as all hell than kinky as all hell. The kinky I'm saving for the HP/DM/GW PWP. *grin*Thanks for the review!
Yay! That was a fun trip, Professor... this fic made me laugh so many times in so many chapters.So I'll retreat into the land of piña coladas now; thanks for the great story.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
"So bring me two pina coladas, I've gotta have one for each hand,Let's set sail with Captain MorganThough we'll never leave dry land!Troubles? I've forgot 'emBuried 'em in the sandSo bring me two pina coladas And two more for my friend!'(Apologies to Garth Brooks for stealing his song and fiddling with the lyrics, especially last line, but dang it, we had to celebrate!)Cheers!!!
*blinks* You were actually debating ethics? For the Sex-Ed Challenge? I was looking for the ss/hg as soon as Hermione bumped into Snape in the hallway. And sadly enough, I was at the beach some days ago when I was inspired to write a fic trilogy set in Puerto Rico. I'll be roomates with Lockhart any day now.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
I know, I know, I'm fit for the loony bin. I just have trouble writing student/teacher anything. It was originally going to be a tease, made to look like SS/HG and then serving up a shocker at the end. Trouble was, I just couldn't come up with a good shocker, whereas I DID come up with a funny SS/HG seduction scene. So, the favored pair triumphs after all!!Don't worry about going nuts. Reggie and I will spring you rather than let them stick you with that impossible prat Lockhart! Jailbreak on the closed ward, here we come! WOOHOO!
This was absolutely brilliant! "Miss" Malfoy *snerk*And you managed to pull off Virgin!Snape quite convincingly. Cheers, my dear!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Whee! I think 'Miss' Malfoy might take exception to the laughter, except that Mr. Potter and Miss Weasley have him--her?, um, quite occupied right now, and he/she isn't worrying about much of anything!!Virgin!Snape was the only way I could see my way clear to justifying the teacher/student encounter, which is something I otherwise could never have been comfortable writing. I just don't see either of them doing that without extraordinary provocation! Thank you for deeming him convincing in that role, and for taking the time to read and review. :-)
hi-freakin-larious.And I just love several things:the trueness of the info given during the actual classesthe treatment of alternative lifestylesthe letter from Arthur to Ronthe little slipping in of lots of minor characters
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
This review tells me something that is absolute music to an author's ears and guaranteed to put a smile on her face--namely, that I accomplished exactly what I set out to do with this story. Thank you so much!
Aw! It's so good! I'm so sad to see it gone now. *sniff*
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Funny... someone is saying something rather similar to that in the HP/DM(both versions!)/GW I'm working on...The original fic is done, but the smut lives on!*wink*Draco knew, rationally, what hit him—Harry and Ginny, to be precise. But that didn’t adequately express the supple softness that engulfed him in front, the wiry hardness that covered him from behind. His face was painted with sweet, hot kisses while wild, rough kisses ravished his neck and shoulders. Hands seemed to be everywhere, nimble and feminine, firm and masculine, both left hands with the slight Quidditch calluses from gripping the broom. It was like being made love to by a firestorm with teeth and claws.
Response from zambonigirl (Reviewer)
Yay threesomes!
Only 5 1/2? I think I know some exceptional people, then...heheheh. Anyway, great chapter! Sorry to see it end, but I am moving on to the epilogue. I hope you write more stories, and soon!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
This was the story you meant when you posted you'd only read one of the challenge responses?Thank you!!! *blushblushblushblush!*
Response from zambonigirl (Reviewer)
Yep, yours was the only one that I read. But don't tell the other authors. I'll get around to theirs eventually, but after the voting closes, I'm sure. Anyway, great story, keep it up!
I must say that I heartily agree with your husband, and it you had not "put them out of their misery" I would have been very sad indeed. I simply can't get my knickers in a twist over a story about a legal age student and a teacher getting together when it's been made perfectly clear that they both care for one another. Any other response by Hermione and Severus would have seemed much more heroic than most humans can manage to be in such situations. So I applaud your choice! That said, I really enjoyed this fic. It made me laugh and it touched my romantic heart just enough to make it truly enjoyable. I adore a little sentiment mixed into my humor. Big fun!
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Ah, well, being out of what little mind I ever had, I can get worked up about almost anything--rather at random, really. (One of the reasons I haven't been able to review PoM... fine stuff, but too hard to leave a proper comment when I've had a few 'smashing my head against the wall days,' myself.)I adore evey review, but I feel like I've really accomplished something when I hear "I really enjoyed this fic. It made me laugh and it touched my romantic heart just enough to make it truly enjoyable."--from someone whose stories tend to inspire the same sentiments for me.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Ah, well, being out of what little mind I ever had, I can get worked up about almost anything--rather at random, really. (One of the reasons I haven't been able to review PoM... fine stuff, but too hard to leave a proper comment when I've had a few 'smashing my head against the wall days,' myself.)I adore evey review, but I feel like I've really accomplished something when I hear "I really enjoyed this fic. It made me laugh and it touched my romantic heart just enough to make it truly enjoyable."--from someone whose stories tend to inspire the same sentiments for me. I wish I could manage a better response, but it's one of my less than optimal days, and the words just aren't working right now.Thank you kindly.
Great ending just had one thing that might be a typo For now, I think it will be present enough to watch. Should Present be Pleasant?
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Ah. Perhaps I should have re-organized that sentence to read, "For now, I think watching will be enough of a present." (In reference to Ginny asking why she was getting the 'present'--Draco--all to herself.)Thanks for stopping by to review!
Oh what a ball!
Sad to se it end.. any new stories to come soon?
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
Ahh... let's see, anything on the slate?On the comedy front, I'm afraid it will be at least the end of September before the next installment in the Fairy God-Jarvey series starts to appear--I don't normally post WIPs, and I still have a good bit to finish on this one before I consider it ready to be beta'd.However, if PWP is to your liking, I do have a Harry/both male and female versions of Draco/Ginny tale almost finished, and liable to start posting in a week or so...And for a little light drama, there's also a one-shot of Clara Quill's history, including 'war with Grindelwald' snippets, in a state of relative completion--also likely to be ready for public consumption soon.Will any of that help?As always, thank you very much for reviewing!
The whole fic was great and I'm sorry it's over.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*Sigh* All silly things must come to an end--I'm just glad you had fun with it while it lasted! Thank you kindly!
Yet another funny chapter, I have enjoyed the ride with this story.
Response from dracontia (Author of Let Someone ELSE Tell You About the Birds and the Bees)
*bows* Thank you very much. Hopefully I'll be able to cobble together another ride or two in the near future.