Backlash

My feet barely touched the stairs as I flew down them. I ran into our newly expanded room and saw Nadia first.

"Have you seen Severus?"

"Snape? He went that way after he cleaned up his stuff at the table. Better hurry, he was moving fast."

I flew out of the room and down the hall. I ran down two flights of stairs until I was in the foyer but didn't see him there either. Angel gave me a questioning look.

"Have you seen Severus?"

"No, he didn't come down this way." So, he hadn't left yet. I turned and raced back up the stairs towards the infirmary but it was empty. My mind was blank; where would he have gone to? He hadn't made it to the first floor, but he had left the east wing. He wasn't in the infirmary which was the only other room I had heard him enquire about. A sudden thought hit me, and I raced back out into the hall and down one more flight of stairs to our room over the kitchen. The door was locked. I knocked. I couldn't hear anything, but all the rooms were soundproofed so that meant nothing. I knocked again. It didn't take me long to start pounding desperately. Eventually, the door flew open.

"What?" he hissed. I stepped back, suddenly afraid of the expression on his face, and looked down at my feet.

"We need to talk."

He stuck his head out into the hall and looked around.

"Where is your duck-footed friend?"

"Severus, let me in."

He turned and stormed back into the room. I closed the door behind me. The room was wrecked. Tables were splintered, and the chairs had been knocked over and broken, stuffing from cushions spilled out as if they had been disemboweled. Only the loveseat and the bed were intact. The fire was out, and the room was dark and cold, illuminated only by one sad taper set on the mantle. I thought he might have come to this room with the idea of it being a refuge, but it looked more like he came here in order to exact a sort of vengeance by proxy.

"I think I need to explain..." I started to speak but my mouth suddenly dried up. He was standing across the room leaning his back against the wall, one foot propped up and his bent knee sticking out from his robes. His arms were crossed over his chest, and his hair was hanging down in his face, making him the poster child for belligerent surliness.

I thought about Viktor, whom I had just rejected and left standing in the attic, and heard Charlie's voice in my head, 'you are mental!' It set my teeth on edge.

"Look, we need to talk. I have some things I need to say to you. I think you need to come over and sit on the couch so we can speak like civilized adults."

He didn't respond, he just pulled his arms tighter, and I watched as his knee started to bounce up and down.

"We need to talk, Severus. I can't just stand here and not get a response from you! I need to know what you are thinking! I'm not the damned mind reader in this room." It occurred to me that with his hair pulled over his face like that he wasn't being much of a mind reader either.

"I don't see where we have anything more to speak about tonight. In fact, Princess, I am not sure if we need to be having many more conversations at all. With luck and a bit more planning, you will be free of all this soon, and my vow will be fulfilled. Now why don't you just go trot along and find one of your new boyfriends and fucking-well leave. me. alone!" Anger and hurt washed over me. The feelings were so intense and so sudden that I gasped and stepped back. Mixed in with these feeling was a sudden deep insecurity and an almost crippling panic. I couldn't concentrate with so much emotion swirling around me, so I grabbed one and stuck with it.

I chose anger. I hadn't missed the nasty way he had spat out Princess, and it made me both furious and a bit ill. I started to think that perhaps Charlie had been right. To accept this behavior was to condone it.

"Just who the fuck do you think you are, Snape! I came down here in good faith needing to talk to you about something important, and after everything we've been through, you can't even show me the decency of looking at me! No! You just stand there acting like a damned child!"

He came off the wall so fast that I blinked.

"I may be a child in some ways, but at least I'm not a fucking whore!" he shouted into my face.

We both froze. I shut my eyes as I felt all the blood drain from my face and felt my body go dead inside.

"Well," I said, with surprising calm, as I turned and walked back to the door. "So the truth comes out at last. Yes, Severus, good boy, I'm a whore. Ten points to Slytherin for cunningly figuring out the blindingly obvious."

I heard a strangled sound behind me but was beyond caring. I never even slowed down as I reached the door and opened it.

"Nooo!" he cried.

The door pulled out of my hand and slammed shut. I reached to open it again, but it wouldn't budge.

"Open the fucking door, Snape," I said without turning around.

"I'm sorry Hermione, I didn't mean it."

"I don't care; open the fucking door, now!"

A weight fell against me, and I had to reach a hand out to the door to keep from falling. I looked down to see Severus on the floor, with his arms wrapped around my legs and his face buried in my knees. His robes were pooled on the floor like so much spilled ink. I could hear his choked sobbing as he repeated 'not again... didn't mean it' over and over.

"Let go of me, Severus."

"Please, Hermione, I take it back! I never meant to hurt you! I didn't mean it! I'll share! I swear I will, and you'll never hear me say another bad thing again! I'll take a vow!" I slapped his wand out of his hand before he could do any such thing. He cried out but threw himself at my legs again. "I'll share! I'm sorry! Please don't leave me! We can just be friends! I'll never--you don't ever have to sleep with me again! Please don't leave me!"

"Look at us, Severus, is this a friendship? You lock me in here and hold me against my will. You call me names that you know will hurt me. For fuck's sake, you stabbed me, you shitting cunt!" I screamed at him, and it wasn't until I felt the sting of my hand that I realized I had slapped him. I didn't mean to; it just happened. His head rocked back on his neck, and he looked at me with utter surprise and shock. I wondered if he was more surprised by my words or actions.

"No," he said quietly.

"No what?" I snapped. He had let go of my legs, and I stepped back from him, and with panic realized I was cornered. I looked at him in fear. He stared back up at me, and then his eyes widened and he came up off the floor in one fluid motion and backed away across the room.

"I didn't stab you. I mean I did. But not because I was angry, well I was, but not like that. Damn it all, Hermione, I had just heard you tell Weasley you loved him! But I would never... it was the blood."

"Back up, you're not making any sense."

"It was Blood magic, Hermione. It required blood taken by force; the best I could do was blood taken by unpleasantness. I thought you knew..."

"No, I didn't know a damned thing about your little ritual. I was busy explaining to Charlie Weasley in private why your life was so bloody important!"

"Talking? Then you didn't... But I heard you say you loved him." His voice sounded so much like a confused child.

"Severus, were you jealous?"

He looked at me, and I saw it all in his face.

"Severus, how can you have been jealous? You know what I am, what I've had to do even after you and I... well, even after! It never even occurred to me you were jealous! God above, Severus, I've been with half the wizards in Britain! Why the hell would you take a prostitute as a lover if you were the possessive type?"

"I don't know what damned type I am, Hermione; I do know that those other men meant nothing to you."

"Then why the--oh! but Charlie and Viktor do? It that it? You think they are some kind of a threat, don't you? How could I have missed it? This has been eating at you all day hasn't it? This is why you have been so nasty to me? And you never said anything, never asked for assurance? You just let it fester until, well, until this." I waved my hand feebly around the room.

"Hermione, please believe me that I would never physically hurt you in anger."

"It sure as hell seemed like it."

"I am so sorry."

"I get that now."

I waved a hand as if that would clear my thoughts.

"So you went through the ritual with no warning?" he asked. His voice was full of worry.

"None."

"That's why you screamed. Oh, gods, I wanted to run to you, to be the one to hold you, but that damned Bulgarian was all over you and I... I lost my concentration. I almost let the spell go before it was complete. And I..."

"And you're suffering from a backlash? Viktor said you might suffer from a taint. Is that why this has got so insane so fast just now?" He stood there and looked at me with his eyes as big as saucers and nodded.

I remembered how the spell had affected me, subjecting me to those horrible dark feelings.

"You have no control over your emotions right now, do you?"

He shook his head back and forth quickly.

"And I just slapped the hell out of you." I started to cry. "And now I feel like a monster."

"Please don't hit me anymore, Hermione." It came out in a small voice, one that made him sound just like the abused child I now was convinced he had been.

"I'm so sorry I hit you, Severus. I'll never do that again, I swear." I felt like I wanted to vomit: my gut clenched and spasmed, but the heaving subsided, and I just cried harder.

He flew over to me with his arms out but stopped and then backed away. I could see he was almost insane trying to gain control of his need to comfort and his need not to make me feel trapped. I ran into his arms, and they snapped closed around me.

"I am so very, very sorry, Hermione. I despise this. I cannot stand being out of control."

"It's alright, Severus. Let's just go carefully and try not to make this worse, shall we?"

"You don't have to, Hermione. I can share; I understand. Just be my friend, that's all I ask. I don't want to lose you completely."

"Shhhh, hush Severus. There's no sharing: I'm with you, and only you."

He went very still, and then I could feel the weight of him as he sagged onto me.

"Let's sit down," I suggested, looking to see which was closer, the bed or the loveseat. The bed it was.

We sat down next to each other, and he summoned his wand from off the floor, and with a wave, lit all the candles in the room. He tucked his wand back into his sleeve, then curled his arms around me like he was afraid to let go, and I ended up mostly in his lap.

I took his hand, the one that had been injured, and looked at the small pink freshly healed scars. I gently rubbed them, and he shuddered.

"You are not going to leave me for Krum?" he asked.

"No. I told him no."

"And Weasley?"

"Like a brother, Severus, I will always love him as a brother, just as I will always love Viktor as a friend."

There was a long moment of silence as he gulped in breath trying to master his emotions.

"And me, Hermione?"

I didn't know how to deal with this Severus. His feelings were so raw, and it terrified me to see him so frightened. I decided to go with truth.

"As God is my witness, Severus, I do love you." He closed his eyes as his face lifted up to the ceiling, and his hands clutched at me. "Wait! Hear me out! I do love you, Severus, but you can do better than me. I have been so very afraid of you trapping yourself into being stuck with me. When we win, and we will because you made a vow to me that I do not doubt, then you will be free, Severus. You will be free to make your own choices and to be your own man. You are a wonderful man, Severus, and you have a chance to live a respectable life with a respectable wife and you must not bind yourself to me before you have a chance to see that. I don't want you to think I trapped you while you were vulnerable. I couldn't bear it. I will always be your friend, even if you don't chose to stay with me. I will always be there for you. But I do not want... I couldn't bear to be another claim on your soul." I fell silent before I started to babble. A selfish part of me wanted to claim him, bind him to me forever, but I couldn't do that to this man. No one should ever have done that to this man. I closed my eyes and waited for him to think it through and see what I was saying was right. Thank Merlin, he didn't.

"Have you lost your bloody mind, woman?" His voice was the most rational it had sounded since I came into the room, and I scrambled around in his arms until I was looking at his face.

"No! I am being deadly serious, Severus."

"You're being a bloody idiot, is what you are. Do you seriously think that I would move on from you because the world became sane again? Or that I would suddenly chuck you over for a chance at polite society? Do you even know me? Gods, woman, I count every minute we are together as a blessing, every look you give me as a gift, and I cherish every memory of every moment you have held me naked in your arms as my personal answer to the question of whether or not there is a God. Let's just get one thing straight right now: I love you, Hermione. I will never stop. And once I have my frenzied emotions back under control, if you want to leave me tomorrow for someone else, I will let you go. But I will mourn my loss for the rest of my life."

"But you're not thinking clearly! You've been trapped!"

"I don't want to be free."

"But you've never been allowed to make your own choices!

"Oh, I've made my own choices, Hermione. I think I am much better off with someone I trust making the choices for me."

"But I'm just a---"

"No!" He clapped his hand over my face. "Don't say that to me. Not ever again. We all did what we had to do to survive: it doesn't define who we are, it just adds more depth. You are a glorious woman, Hermione. Had you had a chance to live out your life in peace, you would have come into your own with that belief in yourself intact And despite all the pain, I cannot say I regret everything because if all this had never happened, I would never have had the chance to love you, and my life would have been less for it. Even if it would have spared you all these years of pain, Merlin help me for being a selfish creature, but I am glad you are here in my arms right now."

I hugged him tight.

"I love you, Severus."

"You have no idea how long I have waited for someone to tell me that. But in the spirit of clearing the air, let me just explain to you just who you have trapped yourself with." He pushed me back until he could see my face.

"I am a nasty man, Hermione. I can be a petty, jealous, spiteful man. I am possessive. I've fallen asleep with my teeth clenched thinking of what you were doing and who you were with, and then in my nightmares you were there, being abused, and I was powerless to stop it. I have done many terrible things, Hermione, and have caused the deaths of innocent people because of my own pain and paranoia. I have only loved once before, and I killed her. I am terrified to lose you and terrified to keep you. If you chose to keep me, I can't even promise that I can make you happy. I'm not sure how. But I will devote my life to learning, and I will spend everyday trying. I do not see you as a whore. I only said that because I was hurt and wanted you to be too, but it backfired, didn't it? I almost pushed you away forever. I will learn how to not do that anymore, but you'll have to be patient with me. I am always at my worst when I am afraid, and I am terrified of losing you."

I nodded solemnly in an understanding of not just his words, but how uncomfortable he was saying them. I do not think he would ever have been as honest if he was more in control of his feelings.

"So in the future, if we have difficulties, it won't turn into this?" I asked, waving my hand at the wreckage thrown about the room. "This was just because of this backlash of Dark magic?"

"Most of this damage was because I lost control of my magic. The backlash from the Blood magic is fading a bit now, but immediately after, when I saw you with Krum... I won't say I don't have a temper, Hermione. But I do like to think, in most cases, I conduct myself with a bit more restraint, yes."

"I haven't been at my best, either, Severus. I've been overwrought most of today. It has been rather overwhelming, even without your little ritual."

His hands rubbed up and down my arms, and his chin rested on my head.

"I am sorry for that. I needed to isolate the wards and stop them at the door. They were keyed to you and the other women in the house. Now you will be free to use that room to practice magic without setting off an alarm at the Ministry."

"That'll be good. And Ollivander is coming tomorrow with our wands. That will be so wonderful."

I let out a jaw cracking yawn. It really had been a long day.

"Come, let's get you some sleep." He lifted me off his lap and set me standing back on the floor. He reached up and started to undo the buttons of my robes at the collar, and I undid the sleeves. In a moment, he stood and pulled my robes over my head. Our intentions were good. He was trying to repeat my actions from the night I had put him to bed. However, his movements became more clumsy as he started to roll my stocking down my legs. When he stood up to begin on the little hooks of my corset his hands were shaking. Even dissipating as it seemed to be, I could tell the emotional turmoil from the backlash must have been playing havoc with his usual restraint.

"Severus?"

"Hmm?

"Do you remember promising me you would never ask it of me?"

His hands snatched away from me and balled into fists at his sides, but his answer came in an even, pleasant tone.

"Of course I remember, Hermione."

I waited until he looked at me and then held his eyes in my gaze.

"I don't want that. I want you to ask it of me. I want to feel you desire me enough to touch me when you want. I want to know whenever you feel a need for me. I trust you. I know you would respect my wishes if I ever say no."

"Gods, Hermione. I want you so much right now it hurts. I want to strip you naked and touch you and bury myself in you. It's all I've wanted this whole long day. It's all I want every time you come near me. But you're tired. It has been a long day, and you need your rest. You are more to me than just an object of lust; I want to take care of you as well, and you need rest."

"What if I asked you?"

He growled and leaned towards me but still kept his hands at his sides.

"Hermione, I am not completely in control of my--"

His words choked off as I cupped him through his trousers.

"I'm not afraid, Severus."

He answered by using his wand to undo the buttons on his robes, flinging layers of clothing off while I removed what was left of mine. Once we were both naked and facing each other next to the bed, I reached out and ran my hand across his scarred, porcelain chest, lightly dusted with fine black hairs.

He threw his head back and hissed out a breath through clenched teeth.

"Oh, Hermione... yes... please touch me."

"I like to touch you, Severus. I like the way you feel, the way you look, the way the light plays on the planes of your body."

He groaned, and his long hands came up and took hold of my little one and rubbed it against his chest and neck and along his jaw until he turned and kissed my palm and started to lick my fingers, sucking them into his mouth.

I moaned and was captivated by how his cock bobbed in response

I slipped my other hand down and stroked him. His balls were heavy and tight, and I knew he would not last very long if I continued to tease him like this.

I released him and moved to pull down the duvet. He stepped behind me and grabbed my arse and started kneading as he dropped to his knees behind me and started to kiss my thighs. A hand pressed down on my back until he had me bent over, hands down, on the bed. Licking and kissing, he made his way slowly to my folds. I was even more undone because it was so unexpected; I thought he would've been more hesitant, waiting for me to lead the dance. I moaned and writhed under his ministrations as he guided me gently forwards onto the bed. I ended up climbing onto the bed in a sort of slow motion dance. Once I was on my hands and knees, he climbed on behind me and pushed himself in.

Neither of us made a sound, except for our panting breaths. He started to stroke his cock back out and in again in slow deliberate movements, and I clenched my muscles around him. His breath exploded out of him, and he started to pump faster.

"So beautiful, so lovely... ungh... yesss... just like that. Can you feel how much I desire you?"

"Yes."

His grip on my hips was strong, and my eyes fluttered closed as I felt his long, calloused fingers knead my flesh. His hand curved around and down and searched until he felt my hardened clit. His fingers started to circle it in feather light caresses.

"Do you know what it does to me to see myself buried in your body? I feel like a complete man, Hermione. You make me feel this way."

"Severus..." I drew his name out in a ragged whisper.

"Yesss... that's it... moan for me, my beautiful Hermione. Give me your hand."

I reached my hand back, shifting my other to keep my balance. He took it gently and folding his own over it he brought it down to my clit.

"Show me, teach me how to make you sing... my beautiful goddess. Come for me... I want to hear you come."

I reversed our hands and used his fingers to rub myself the way I liked it. Back and forth with a firmer pressure, our strokes got faster as I felt myself drawing towards that magical moment when everything in the world is perfect for one magnificent point in time. He kept up his rhythm with his cock while his fingers flew back and forth across my clit. My own hand started to fumble, and I started to fall forward. He shifted closer and resumed pumping into me while his fingers made me moan and mewl.

"Oh, yes, my love... give me your gift, that's my love, let go..."

His voice, so low, so sexy, so deep and rich, made me spasm, and he groaned. Hearing him lose control just a little, hearing the effect my pleasure had on him pushed me over the edge, and I howled as I started to come. He pulled out quickly, and it almost ruined it but he flipped me over onto my back as if I weighed nothing, and he swooped down and put his mouth on me once again. Grasping my hips with his long hands, he lifted me up and sucked on my clit, and I exploded, shrieking out his name. It seemed to go on and on as he sucked and licked and groaned his own pleasure. I was reduced to babbling, I am not sure of everything I said, but I know I told him in no uncertain terms just how very much I loved him. He continued to lick me after my orgasm ended, and I had to shift away because it was too intense. I was really going to have to teach him when to stop. I weakly shoved myself up towards the pillows and opened my eyes to beckon him to me. Oh, he was a glorious sight. His face reflected raw passion. His eyes seemed to be pools of dark flames, and I didn't know if I would burn or drown. I held my arms open to him, and he came and covered my body with his, pulling the duvet after him. Cradled between my thighs and encircled by my arms, he looked so full of bliss that I felt tears form in my eyes. He kissed me. His kiss was the most perfect act of love I have ever experienced. I admit, I have not experienced many, but this kiss contained all the hopes and dreams of love I had ever had. He broke the kiss and then rose up over me. I reached down and found him and guided him back into me. His eyes slid closed, and he moaned out his pleasure as his hips rocked back and forth. I tilted mine up to meet his rhythm.

His heavy-lidded eyes opened, and he gazed at me with such passion.

"I love you, Hermione."

"I love you too, Severus."

"I will always love you. Your soul is so beautiful. I want you to be mine, Hermione."

"Oh, I am..."

"I want you to be mine forever."

"... I will..."

"Tell me I am yours, Hermione. Tell me you will never let me go!" As is words became more intense, so did his rhythm until he was pounding into me. I could feel his magic start to swirl around us.

"You are mine, Severus! I gave you the chance to leave; I don't think I can again. Oh... yesss. I will never let you go! Never!"

"I will keep you safe, Hermione! I will give you a home of your own! I will give you things to keep!" His movements became frantic. "You are mine!"

"Yesss!"

"Oh, my beautiful goddess! Oh gods fuck... shite! Yesssss! Ah... gods! I'm cominghhnngh..." His magic exploded out from him, and I was blinded by the light that raced around the room as he emptied himself into me. When it dissipated, the room was in total darkness, the candles having been doused by whatever magic that was.

With a satisfied growl, Severus pitched forward and collapsed on top of me, crushing me flat to the bed. My face was smashed into his neck as his body completely enveloped me. I could feel his heart slamming in his sweat- soaked chest. I felt a curious mixture of smug satisfaction and awe. I felt powerful and protected and, well, squished.

"Sv'rus?"

"Hngh?"

"Can't breev."

"Unff."

He rolled to the side, pinning my arm under him. Some wiggling and grunting, and I was free.

"Severus?"

"Hmm?"

"Did we just take another vow? Because I'll be rather put out if we did."

He chuckled, and I heard him lift up onto an elbow, and his sweaty hair fell across my face as he looked down on me in the dark. His hand searched until it cupped my cheek, and he pressed a gentle kiss to my lips and another on my forehead.

"No, Hermione. We did not. I only have one more vow in me, and I'm saving it."

"Which one? Saving it for what?"

"For when you become my wife, woman. Now go to sleep."

He flopped back down and a lanky arm scooped me around and pulled me in until I was nestled along his belly like a teddy bear. A long-fingered hand massaged a breast.

"Are you asking me to marry you?"

"Not yet," he rumbled in reply.

"Oh. Right then. As long as we're clear. But what was all that magic swirling around?"

"Aren't you supposed to wave your arm around in the air when these moods take you?"

"Answer the question, please."

"Hermione, I warned you I wasn't completely in control. And I can't say I'm used to beautiful women looking at me like that while I am buried in their bodies. I can't promise it won't happen again."

"Ah, so I made you lose control this time?" I admit I giggled. I had made Severus Snape lose control. I liked that a lot.

"Indeed. Now, good night, my goddess."

"Good night, my love."

He purred. It could have been just a rumble in his throat, but I really think it was a purr.

I have no idea what time of the night or morning it was when I woke to the most delicious sensations. A solitary candle burned next to the bed, and I saw Severus lift his mouth from my breast when I made a sleepy noise of pleasure; his fingers didn't stop what they were doing farther down.

"You said I could touch you whenever I want." His voice was so deep and husky it made me weak.

"So I did." I took his face in my hands and brought it back to my breast.

When the chime for first light sounded, we just pulled each other close and drifted back to sleep.