What Do You Feel?
Chapter 6 of 40
AuretteThanks go to astopperindeath for the final coat of varnish
I don't know how long I clung to him, nor how long he held me like something precious, crooning soothing words and gently rocking me. He rubbed my back with one hand while his other stroked my hair. I know I felt safe. For the first time in a long time, I felt safe. I thought about how strange life is, that the dreaded Potions master would end up gently calming a whore who used to be the star pupil of his rival house. No one would ever have believed such a thing in the days before all this. Now, it had probably become a common tale in some version or another.
"Tell me what happened to you?" I asked. "I have been here for five long years. Where have you been?"
He set me back onto the cushions and leaned over to pour tea.
"Eat something while I tell you." He fixed my tea silently, only a raised eyebrow to ask if I took milk or sugar. I took a little cake and began nibbling on it to please him.
"I was not told of the battle beforehand," he began. "As Headmaster of the school, I had too many responsibilities to be fully kept in the loop. I knew nothing until my Dark Mark activated, and even then I had to placate a group of the Board of Governors who were unhappy with the way things were merrily skipping to hell. I arrived a good twenty minutes after the Carrows to utter pandemonium. By the time I arrived, all was chaos. The screams of the dying filled the air as more and more members of the Order arrived in answer to someone's Patronus. There had been no coordination. They arrived in ones and twos and were cut down in their tracks. I saw the remains of Potter and Weasley and I saw your still form twisted in the grass nearby. The Dark Lord's victory was swift, decisive and completely successful, and I had no idea it was coming. It was short. The whole epic battle was really just thirty minutes of swift, little agonies.
"In the aftermath, I was ordered back to Malfoy Manor, along with Bellatrix and Rabastan Lestrange to start the inquiry into who the other spy might be. That was why when the school was attacked next and the entire staff was slaughtered I was not there. I was busy torturing my godson to death. I had to make it slow; I had an audience. And he never knew anything. I knew he was innocent!" I looked into his dead eyes and fully understood the meaning of that last sentence. My heart started to bang around in my chest.
"The weeks that followed were an endless parade of vanquished marching to their execution. The subsequent power grabs by the Dark Lord's followers were a nasty business. More of them died in the weeks that followed at the hand of their own brethren than at the battle itself. The Dark Lord was content to let the herd cull itself. He had more loyal followers than he could trust. I had too many enemies. I relegated myself to the background, only giving council when I was called. And with the closing of the school, my council was outdated and redundant. I paid my respects to the Dark Lord and told him I was returning to research and that I would be at his command whenever he needed me. And then I locked myself up in my home and drank myself into oblivion. He has never called for me these long years. I stopped reading the papers and simply turned my back on the world. That is how I was unaware of your trial and sentencing; while you were rotting in Azkaban, I was vomiting up fire whiskey onto the tattered carpet of my bedroom, trying to think of a single person left alive that I would be happy to see."
I reached out and stroked his back.
"Why didn't you leave? Run away?"
He grunted.
"I had obligations. Besides, where was I to go? The Dark Lord holds dominion in some form or another throughout the wizarding world. And for good or ill, I am well known. They could track me down using the Dark Mark at any time they wanted."
"Why did they shut down the school?"
"Purebloods educate their own children. No one else deserves an education."
He picked up my plate of food again and handed it to me.
"Enough, you know my story now; the rest is just grim detail. You need to eat."
I frowned but took the plate. I had no appetite but I started to eat anyway. He poured more tea and we made a bizarrely domestic scene.
"How did you end up in the hospital?" he asked finally after I set my plate down.
"How did you hear about that?"
"The doings in this house appear to be regular gossip among bored Death Eaters at the Ministry. I overheard a comment," he replied.
"The doings at the Ministry have become gossip at this house. I also have heard some things."
He frowned and, with his head tilted to the side and his one eyebrow raised, it was easy to remember the Professor who had so little patience.
"Right, well... I seem to have had a nervous episode. I am better now." The tilt of his head became more pronounced. "Alright, I had a bit of a breakdown," I snapped. His eyebrows rose in both question and concern. "I spent two weeks in the Janus Thickey Ward barking at the moon. They were glorious," I huffed and sank back into the cushions. Even with the fire, I shivered. He rose from the seat and went and stripped the duvet from the bed. He draped it around me and went to stand before the fire. His hands were clasped loosely behind his back, but his shoulders were slightly hunched and tense.
"Did your nervous episode have anything to do with my appearance at this establishment?" he asked softly. I considered lying; this new found intimacy between us was both confusing and raw and I was not sure I could take much more. The fact that I took too long to answer was answer enough. I watched as his shoulders slumped and his head bowed in defeat.
"I have had no feelings for so long..." I tried to explain what I could, but it didn't make sense to me. How could I get him to understand? "It is how I have survived. I never let the past in, I never let an emotion out. Yes, it was because of your coming here that my defenses seemed to fail, but they were stretched so thin already." He turned fully towards me, but silhouetted by the fire I could not see his expression. "When I first saw you standing there, I felt a tremendous anger. When I overheard Macnair's plans for you that evening, my first reaction was 'so what?' But then I was already moving towards you to interfere with his petty revenge without making a conscious decision. I have been so numb these past years. The feelings that night caused overwhelmed me. It was not actively your fault; it was just a result of my own survival mechanisms falling apart." I burrowed down into the duvet. I had said all that would make any sense.
He came round the low table and got down on one knee in front of me. He took my hand and held it tightly between both of his.
"And now? How are you coping now?" he asked. His stark gaze was intense, his thin body held taut. I watched the firelight dance on the glossy strands of his hair. So clean, I thought. Without my bidding my other hand reached out to touch his hair. This close I could smell his soap. He smelled of fresh rain and lemongrass; I smiled. He let out a quiet chuff of breath.
"I feel. I do not know if this is good or bad. But it has been too long since I felt this way."
"What do you feel?" His voice was so intense I reacted to it physically. My heart was pounding, but I was not afraid. Curious. "What do you feel right now?" I wound the lock of hair through my fingers, watching the silky strands slither. I looked into his eyes. They were so severe.
"Safe. Right now I feel safe." I watched his black eyes ignite. The burn was almost too much. I felt an answering ember of my own; it was very small, but it had never been there before. I cherished it.
Down on one knee and holding my small hand tightly in his trembling ones, he said, "I swear to you, Hermione, I will find a way to keep you safe from the Dark Lord forever. I do not know how long it will take, but do not doubt that I will, or die trying. I swear this on the souls of all our fallen companions." At first I was too entranced by the sound of my name rolling off his tongue to pay heed to the rest of the words. Only when the light flared and magic swirled around our joined hands to seal the vow did I see the wand gripped in his hand and realize what he had done.
I screamed and everything went black.
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Latest 25 Reviews for The Princess of Gryffindor
597 Reviews | 6.94/10 Average
I agree with Mick42 in the sense that I don't like the Voldemort won/everyone's dead/Hermione's a whore stories. I avoid them like the plague. I decided to give this one a go based on the reviews. I was very, very skeptical. There were aspects to the writing that I didn't like, such as it being written in first person, but the memorial scene alone made it well worth the read. I may have shed a tear (or 10).
Wow...just wow. Now I know why all of these other reviewers have shed a tear. I am a mess. Still smiling tho'! Captivating read. Kudos!
Yay, all finished. It's been a while since I've read this, so I had forgotten a lot of the details in the ending chapters, but I still love it as much as I did the first time I read it. You have my in tears reading the end couple of chapters now, but that's terribly easy to do to a pregnant woman, so don't worry too much lol.
I just love Snape, have I ever mentioned that? I do. And it's stuff like this in stories- him vowing to protect Hermione- that make me love him even more..
This is one I've read before, on ffnet I think, but I have to read it here too, it just seems impossible not to reread your favorite stories when you come across them somewhere. The bonus is that you already know you love the story, even if you can't remember all the details between point A and A.D.
My dear Aurette,I have spent half of yesterday and all of today re-reading this unbelievable story. Half of the time, I've been a sobbing, sopping mess - when S&H were gathering forces and found people who were still alive, the whole Harry and Ron speaking to Hermione from the great beyond, the memorial scene (holy crap, talk about sobbing!), reuniting with Minerva's ghost, and the list goes on. I love the plot of the story. I love your numerous OCs. I love how the young DEs revolt. I love how forces from all sides join together to fight the Dark Lord. I love the romance between S&H. I love how utterly vulnerable he is to her, and she to him. I love how wizarding society hero-worships Snape in the end. I love So Many Things about this story. If my heart could take it, I'd start it all over again, but I really wasn't exaggerating when I said I was sobbing half the time I was reading. This might sound odd, but reading this today, US Memorial Day, just makes it seem even more poignant. But I do think it's honoring to RL sacrifices by reading about fictional ones. Thank you so much for this absolutely wonderful story, and for giving me such an enjoyable (if teary and snotty) way to spend my day off.Love,Christev
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
{{{hugs}}}What a beautiful thing to say. I am deeply touched and honored. Thank you, Christev.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
{{{hugs}}}What a beautiful thing to say. I am deeply touched and honored. Thank you, Christev.
Heartbreaking and wonderful and worth rereading. Thank you for sharing this.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I'm so glad you enjoyed. ;-)
Just re-read this and had to mention: Best Epilogue Ever. Why couldn't you have given JK a few pointers? ;-p
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! She never asked... Thank you!
I've just flown through the last several chapters, held in thrall to this story! This is just genius, you know, starting at a place of total desolation - this terrible post-war dystopia - and taking all the elements from DH (the prophecy from Severus, the Hallows, even walking beside the dead and moving with them before returning to earth - thanks particularly for including Draco with the others), using them as they were meant to be used, finding another way of stopping Voldemort and reenvisioning a new world in the aftermath.
And I love seeing Snape marked as the Man Who Lived! And a father! And the Minister! (And that proposal? Mmm-hmm... clearly, he has caught on to everything Hermione's been teaching him!)
You strike such a great balance between comedy and high drama. It's such a pleasure to read.
Oh, Goyle. Goyles will be Goyles, I suppose!"I think you have just been metaphorically peed on." Oh, I love this line... particularly since Severus' possessiveness towards Hermione is such a strong part of his character (which is why his reluctant willingness to 'share' Hermione rather than lose her was SO terribly shocking).
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Thank you! And I think, by his behavior in this chapter, you can see he tacitly took those words... back.
Response from ofankoma (Reviewer)
Oh, absolutely! That's what's so marvelous to see in this Snape. He acts impulsively so often, and then immediately knows that it's not what he really wanted, and is slowly learning to keep it all in check as he accepts the fact that she really loves him and that he's truly safe with her.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Hannah and Neville! Woo-hoo! (You can just feel the little triumphs along the way - things are getting brighter all the time!) And the lack of trust between all parties involved... yes, that feels completely, completely believable.(Also,I don't know that I've ever met an original character that I've liked, but Peaches is fantastic. Just fantastic. You make me change my mind on a lot of things, I think...)
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I intentionally started this tale as dark as I could make it, and then slowly let the light in. Neville and Hannah were such a beacon of hope...
Ah, the trust between the two as they examine the girls! And her red robes... yes, I imagine Severus doesn't want Hermione in anything less than a high-necked robe in front of her old beau.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Trust is something they thought they had, but as you can see, they are both too emotionally unsophisticated to not end up with issues.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Elder Goyle and Ma are two revelations here, aren't they? As for the former, it really makes me wonder (again and again) what Voldemort's plan was 'when' he won. Why cheat Death if you have nothing to live for? For someone as hypothetically long-sighted as he was (looking to an eternity of power and control over the wizarding world), he's remarkably short-sighted here (what do you do now that you've won?). You raise all sorts of fascinating questions here. And Ma, with the Veritaserum? Grand.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Ma was intended to just be a stock vilain, but she elbowed her way toward three dimentional. I was very happy with the way she worked out.
The robes! Wonderful, wonderful, all around, from Hermione's comfort in them and the note exchange.Charlie and Viktor? You're really getting things moving here, aren't you? Momentum. You're really a master with creating a momentum that just pulls a reader through the story. I don't mean just here, but everything I've read up til now - it's so well paced and unfolds so naturally. In case I haven't said this in a chapter or two, thanks so much for sharing this.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I was very attuned to the pacing of this tale. It was my very first mult-chaptered fic and getting the pacing down right was one of my primary concerns. Thank you so much for reviewing it!
Hooray! I love what you've done with Theo Nott. The second guessing and the regret shows how easy it was for misguided, then-ambivalent people to latch on to Voldemort's coat tails. (Cloak tails?) Very like Severus at that age, no?You're also hilarious, but I suspect you know that. "Conjure myself some decent clothes?" FABULOUS.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Exactly! I saw Theo as not being wildly different from young Snape, just perhaps a bit more entitled. I am so glad you liked this.
Wow. There are so many things I love, love, love in this chapter. First off, the relationship between Severus and the Malfoys. (Ach, and the horror of their deaths!) Next, Dumbledore's attitude. I, for one, have a tendency to vilify the man. Reading the repentance he shows here makes me rethink a lot of things about him. (So thank you for challenging me!) But you're right - we have a lot of evidence in DH that there are many unspoken things in his past that explain his present actions. And, of course, it's just a relief to see that he finally has someone to tell all this to, someone who will care for him and stand by him through it all. This is just wonderful, and I'm completely loving your writing and this story!
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I also have a tendancy to vilify Dumbledore, but I know that was never JKR's intention, so every so often I try and reset my thinking. Then I backslide. lol.
There are so many reasons I love this story... wonderful narrative flow, seamless incorporation of canon devices (Hallows! Can't wait to see them in action!), a fresh perspective on the nature of evil in the Voldemort regime, a place to see regrets worked out and atoned for.But the single greatest reason why this is so fabulous is your clear vision of your characters. What we know of them from JKR is fleshed out so beautifully here, and it's not a happy-go-lucky, cleaned up and sanitized version of the very broken people we know (and love), but a hard look at the mistakes they make and how they learn together to move on and forgive one another in a much deeper understanding of who the other really is.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
This chapter was my impetus for writing the whole fic. I wanted to get to this scene. Of course, once I did, I then had a Ministry to over throw... lol.
Oh, now that's interesting... incorporating the Hallows? I think this means we'll get to see some action from the Elder Wand (killing Voldemort?), the Resurrection Stone (Harry and Ron?), and the Invisibility Cloak (I have no idea on this one... it's useful in so many ways). I can't wait to see where they lead!
Severus' thoughts on the ambition of Voldemort five years out are interesting... it certainly does make you wonder - what would Tom have done had he won? Did he have a plan in place? I mean, the fear of ignominious death aside, what was really motivating his actions? What did he envision for the Wizarding world?
There's much that I enjoy in this chapter... the way they recognize each other as being, really, the only people left on earth (that we know of so far) who can really see one another is fantastic. Antarctica banter with penguins! 'Whoever had broken this man deserved to burn in hell.'What I found myself wishing I had here was Hermione's musings on her own sexual history. Was she a virgin before she was enslaved here? I found I wanted this when she first talked about her position as a whore with Snape as well... I just want it sometime. (Maybe it's coming up later? We'll see!) There seems to be space for her to say that she's still a virgin (so to speak) with a great deal of this as well. And defend her innocence. Since she never kissed Ron in the final battle (AU breaks off earlier here, right?), has she even been kissed?
Response from ofankoma (Reviewer)
(Because Severus very well may be right in trying to stop her... for her own peace of mind, certainly, and for the fact that she's been traumatised for years there. Another sexual experience now may not be helpful on the road to recovery, and he'd certainly be remiss if he didn't know the situation before letting her have her way with him...)
The harpsichord? That's hilarious. Does she tune it herself, as well? All the descriptions of this place add up to a bizarre, depressing, garish nightmare. It's like everyone tossed in their leftovers and out popped a brother, or several people's lives just vomited out all their extras on the (Voldemort-run) street.
Ah, Draco. I'm sad to hear he's lost. I have a soft spot for him as one of the people who gave Severus a will to go on in HBP and DH. I would have liked seeing your Snape deal with him.
That last long paragraph on the enigma of Snape? Spot on. It sums up why he's such a fascinating character in canon: powerful and powerless, beautiful and ugly, lauded and humiliated. The ambiguity of him is so rich, and not in the Dumbledore 'we sort too soon' sort of way, claiming that he's truly a Gryffindor at heart merely because he's on the side of good.
As to protection, well, that's another one of the strongest themes attached to him in canon, isn't it? He's constantly fighting to protect people - even people he despises -and he prepares them all to do the same. Your Hermione's a lucky girl...
Well done, you.
Hmm... "I, too, practice self-denial?" I think he might practice a few kinds of denial here, since he did just move to kiss her. (Of course, perhaps poor Severus doesn't know any better. He missed out on the 'What not to do whilst visiting a whorehouse' lesson in finishing school.) I greatly appreciate a post-DH Snape who doesn't know what to do with a woman... after all, when you poke around in canon, it seems fairly obvious that his social calendar was empty.
I also enjoy the dynamic you're setting up between Hermione and Peaches, the latter of whom is clearly in control of her own destiny in a way that Hermione just isn't... yet.
And...Harry and Ron? What?!?
Oh, gravy! Lime-green peignoirs and silver mules? This is a high class establishment poor Hermione's stuck in. (Although the lime-green clothing is oddly reminiscent of St. Mungo's...)
I love a phrase like "She floated in like a frigate in full sail." Really, the oppressing shabbiness of the place is overwhelming. I'm so very wary of new characters, so I'm really hoping I will like yours... Peaches, maybe yes? Ma, maybe no. Unless we do know Ma or Angel already and they're just under aliases like the Princess?
Drinking Cocoa enticed me back here to revisit this wonderful, deep, rich tale once again, when I should be doing my own writing and in other ways getting the heap of papers on my desk cleared and sorted (not to mention getting to bed at a decent hour). But, no, I had to swallow this beautiful work whole once again, rediscovering all its complexities and marvels, emotions and heatbreak, fascinations and intricacies. And it is now nearly 2am, and I can at last climb into my solitary little bed, wrapped in the warmth of some quite satisfying and delicious writing. Thank you.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I thank you, truly, for your revisiting this story. Nothing is more satisfying than knowing it is apreciated on a second reading as well. :-)
I give it five years before Brilliant figures out how to spell that journal open and gets the shock of her young life hahahaha.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! Oh, that would be Brilliant! You need to write that fic!
Response from StarryEyedNoOne (Reviewer)
I haven't wrote HP fanfic since I was the age of a first year lol. I pray to any diety that's listening that NONE of it is still floating aroung out there. :-\
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! I understand. I once read that if you aren't embarrased by something you wrote a year ago, you are no longer growing as a writer. Hell, I get embarrassed over things I wrote last week...