Don't Doubt Me

Thank you to Astopperindeath for her beta skills.

I'm not sure how long I slept before I felt a warm, calloused finger stroke my cheek. I came awake with a start.

"Easy, nothing to be frightened of," said Severus. I struggled to sit up, and my ruined corset gaped open. After a quick survey, I realized everything but my garters was ruined. I gave my bed partner an irritated look that made him flush to the roots of his hair.

"My apologies," he said and jumped up and took off his outer robes and handed them to me. I smiled and got up and shrugged out of what was left of my garments and struggled out of my boots and stockings before I slipped into his robes. They were huge on me, and I was just reveling in the feel of being covered in so much thick cloth when he waved his wand and shrank them down to my size. I huffed and he smirked.

"I needed to see your head," he said and walked over to the loveseat and poured tea. "What can I get you?" he asked.

"Occlumency lessons?" I shot back.

He didn't even look contrite. He just smirked and turned back to the table, confirming my suspicion. He had wanted me to figure that out. Slytherin.

After ogling him in his fitted trousers and linen shirt for a few moments, I slipped into the loo to freshen up. When I came out, it was to see Severus sitting on the loveseat mending my torn thong with his wand; the repaired corset was lying on the back of the seat. On the table in front of him was a plate he had made up for me from the refreshment tray we had never gotten near earlier. As I walked up, he pointed to the plate.

"Eat."

"You're not going to make me drink more potions are you?"

"I reserve the right, but not just now, no." He glanced at the clock over the mantle, and I could see it was just nearing two in the morning. We hadn't slept long. "I thought we needed to talk more than sleep."

"Yes, I agree we have much to talk about. Such as how you came to be the new power behind the throne." I took the plate and sat down and leaned against his arm. He grunted and waved his wand towards me, my thong hanging off the tip. I took it and tossed it on top of the corset.

"Yes, well, that among other things. How have you been faring?"

"I have been fine. I've missed you. I wished you could have come sooner, but after all that the younger men revealed tonight, I understand you were a bit busy." He reached an arm around my shoulders and squeezed gently.

"Quite."

"So was Dolohov guilty of treason?" I asked, deciding to dive right in.

"I'm sure he was guilty of something," came the too casual response, as his hand reached out to caress where the scar Dolohov gave me was under the robe.

"And the Lestranges?"

"One had to be removed; it was best the other do it."

I reached up and took his hand in mine.

"And Pansy Parkinson?" His hand clenched mine, and I looked up to see his eyes close.

"That was... most unfortunate," he said.

"Yes." I replied and rubbed my cheek against our joined hands. "What is your plan, Severus?"

"To set you free," he answered.

"All by yourself? All alone?"

He pulled me close and kissed my head and whispered into my hair.

"There is no one else, Hermione. Only you."

"But what if someone connects all the chaos to your return? I mean, isn't it all a bit obvious?

"They are narrow-minded, simple fools. The organization is full of rot and ripe for destruction. Only the Dark Lord himself would be observant and paranoid enough to question the timing."

"But won't he?"

"He already did."

"I do not understand."

"It was why I presented myself at court the next day, after that night. I could have scuttled back into the dark like a cockroach, and the waters would have smoothed back over. But I knew my chance had arrived. So instead, I appeared at court. There is no one on the planet more paranoid than the Dark Lord." At this, I gave a significant look at the assortment of instruments he had left by the door. He smirked and ignored me to continue his tale. "So, what was a joyous reunion in front of the crowds became an invasive interrogation behind closed doors." When I got his meaning, I sat up and turned around to look at him.

"He tortured you?"

"Of course, and he discovered all my secrets. Well, the ones I let him see."

My hands flew to my mouth as I tried to stop my tears by blinking rapidly.

"Hush now, it had to be done." He gathered me back into his arms. "After he was thoroughly convinced of my never ending loyalty and my recent shame, he was enraged at my treatment. You see, the Dark Lord was well aware of my celibacy."

I started to struggle up again, but he clamped his arms down.

"Sit still, woman! As I was saying, to avoid the types of enjoyment I found distasteful early on in my days as a Death Eater, I came up with the clever idea of persuading the Dark Lord that I found celibacy to strengthen the will. So, to cover up for the fact that I didn't want to rape anyone, I had to perpetuate a state of 'purity'. The Dark Lord found this admirable and began to do the same, however I suspect it was also show, but to cover up an inability rather than an aversion, if you get my meaning. The only fly in the ointment was that the Dark Lord was aware of my affection for a certain young woman. He was suspicious and disapproving because of her blood status. I told him it was important for me to have an object of desire to reject. I spun a long thread of nonsense, and he seemed to accept it. But I know it bothered him." Here, he hung his head, and I waited patiently to hear what he had to say. "I believe this was a factor in his disregarding my plea to spare her life. I believe he intended to help me be strong. To find a more worthy object to focus on." So, Remus had been right when he said Snape had feelings for Harry's mum.

"So why did you remain celibate through the years between?"

"Guilt. I was the one who brought him the prophecy. I was the one responsible for making her a target in the first place. The years when the Dark Lord was brought low were no respite for me. Albus knew he would return, and I had my duty."

"I see."

We stared into the flames in silence until he brought his mind back to his topic.

"To get back to the point, the Dark Lord was enraged that Rookwood and Macnair would conspire to pressure me into sacrificing my purity. When asked why I did not immediately defend myself, I told the complete truth. I had been far from the center of things too long, I did not know where he stood in the Dark Lord's favor and did not wish to incur further penalties, had I gelded the man, if he was an important asset to his Lordship.

"Rookwood got off relatively easily; all he did was refuse to allow me to go my own way when we met. Macnair broke under questioning and admitted to the planned rape. He has fallen far out of favor.

"Thankfully, you came across as nothing more than a pawn. I managed to explain my reactions under the guise of being carried away by my newfound carnal knowledge. It wouldn't have done for the Dark Lord to have looked too closely at that particular dynamic. He agreed with Macnair's assumptions.

"Thus was I found to be free from suspicion or taint and free to go about my business."

"And what was your business? What did he think you had been doing these last five years?"

"The Dark Lord believes I am trying to make my own Philosopher's Stone and cannot wait to demand I turn it over to him when I am done."

"Severus," I asked, "what have you been doing for the last five years?"

He turned and looked at me and his eyes were full of death.

"Reading children's stories and indulging in egg hunts. Sharpening my blade and waiting for the right moment."

I drew back a little from the intensity of his gaze; there was a glitter in his eyes that I found disturbing.

"So, was I just a catalyst to finally set your plan in motion?"

His eyes lost focus and when they came back they looked confused, then, he pulled me closer and buried his face in my hair.

"No. You were a sign. You were the answer to all my black prayers! You are the reason I lived, I just did not know. I curse that I did not know! You were the spark my soul needed so that I could live again to fulfill my vow." His voice was harsh with emotion.

"What vow?"

"My vow of vengeance; my vow to destroy them utterly. My vow to make Draco's death have some meaning. So that I didn't just live because I was a coward, but because there was still a use for me left before I met my judgment." I shuddered in his arms, frightened at his words. He didn't sound completely sane. He held me tighter and started to rock me back and forth, breathing raggedly.

"Severus, how many vows have you taken?"

"A man is defined by his vows," he spat. "Promises are meaningless. I promised I would protect Lily. I promised I would protect Potter. I promised to protect my students. It's the vows that work. I took a vow to kill Dumbledore. I vowed to protect Draco while he tried to find a way to kill him, and then to kill Albus myself if he failed." His words filled me with horror, and I thrashed in his arms. I put both hands on his chest and tried to push away but he held me tighter rocking madly back and forth.

"No! Don't doubt me now, Hermione!" His voice rose higher and was filled with pain. "He knew! That bastard knew about my vow and he made me live! I told Albus! I told him as soon as I got away from that black-hearted bitch Lestrange! He knew! He made me kill him!" He spit out a bitter laugh. "He wanted Draco to be unblemished. He wanted me to live!" A strangled sound escaped his throat. I was stunned. He just kept moaning "he made me promise to live" over and over. My heart broke for him, and I twisted around until I had a hold of his neck, and I wrapped my arms around it and pulled his face into my chest.

"It's alright now, Severus!"

An anguished sob broke from him and he started to cry. Great, hiccupping sobs were wrenched from his chest. I was terrified that I had said the wrong thing and hated myself for not knowing how to help.

Up on my knees on the seat, I clasped him to my bosom and slowed his frenzied rocking down to a soothing pace. I cried. It hurt so, to hear his sobs and to feel my own pain and know what he had lived through, and lived with. I murmured words that I didn't understand until I finally heard myself.

"Mine, it's okay, you're mine now. It's all better now, because you're mine now. Easy, Severus, I have you now." Between each phrase, I kissed the top of his head. I have no idea what I was trying to say, but those were the words that I used to say it.

He clung to me and slowly his sobs subsided. I continued to rock him, crooning my mantra. His head came up, and I loosened my arms as he lifted his hands and cupped my face. I looked at him, with his running nose and swollen eyes and broken heart, and gave him a broken smile.

"Don't doubt me." he pleaded.

"Never," I answered. We kissed, but the mingled snot made it less than pleasant.

I leaned back and looked around, and when I found a box of tissue on the end table, I grabbed it and we both set about tidying up our faces, both of us suddenly uncomfortable with so much emotion. I reached for the tea, but it was cold. Severus pulled out his wand and tapped it, and a new pot appeared. The rituals of making tea calmed us, and we sat back and drank our tea in a silence potent with feelings of both comfort and awkwardness. As we sat, each with our own thoughts the comfort won. His hand crept into the crook of my elbow and stroked it, and I settled mine on his thigh and squeezed.

Just then, I remembered what I had wanted to tell him for weeks. I set my tea down and turned to him.

"Severus, do you know about the Dark Lord's Horcruxes?"

His eyes narrowed, and he looked at me oddly.

"You might be surprised. What do you know about them?" His voice was hoarse.

"They were what the Headmaster had us looking for that last year. He told Harry about them. We had found one and were looking for the others when Ron made us go back to the Burrow that day."

"Damn Albus for playing his cards so close to his chest! He didn't think that maybe his portraits would be destroyed before he had a chance to give us all the facts! I should have known you had the last! Tell me everything you know, Hermione."

"There were six. Harry destroyed Riddle's diary, Dumbledore destroyed the ring. We had found the locket, that's another long story, we knew the others were probably items that the founders owned but hadn't narrowed it down much farther. I am sorry I do not know much more, but I can tell you two have been destroyed."

"There were seven. Five have been destroyed. Potter was one as well... his scar. I am sorry." He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb as he watched me wrestle with this revelation. "The ring and the diary, as you said, and I personally destroyed Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem, which took me three years of crawling all over Hogwarts, plagued by vengeful ghosts, to find. I recently destroyed Helga Hufflepuff's cup. The Dark Lord gifted me with all the worldly possessions of Bellatrix and Rodolphus and lo and behold, what should I find in their Gringotts vault."

"How? How did you destroy them?" I was thrilled at the news, but I knew what it was like to be exposed to the malevolent power of these items, and I knew destroying them was most difficult. He just raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Each time I found one, I made a copy, imbued the copy with as much dark magic as I could, and then stabbed the original with the Sword of Gryffindor."

"But the Sword can only be wielded by a Gryffindor, or the Headmaster of Hogwarts."

"Hermione, I am the Headmaster of Hogwarts." I seemed to be getting stupider as the night wore on.

"I'm sorry; I must be getting tired. Tell me, wasn't it dangerous? How did you keep the Dark Lord from knowing what you had done?"

"I assure you, I took every precaution. The diadem was in the Room of Requirement when I finally found it. I was very careful when I told the castle I needed a room to destroy a piece of the Dark Lord's soul and live to tell the tale. With the cup, I took it and the sword with me and Portkeyed to the Andes. I stabbed it through in a very remote location. As far as the Dark Lord is concerned, the cup is in the vault; if he finds it was tampered with, it could have happened at anytime the Lestranges had it, and the diadem is propped on an ugly statue in a room full of junk in Hogwarts which could have been invaded by anyone in the five years it has stood empty. There is nothing to link them back to me. All that are left are the locket and that damnable snake, Nagini."

"I am so proud of you! That was so clever!" And then my words hit me and I was horribly embarrassed. Who was I to tell this great man I was proud of him as if I was his mother? I squirmed and then busied myself pouring more tea. When I turned back to give him a fresh cup, he reached out and caressed my face with one finger.

"I am glad I make you proud, Hermione."

I blushed and gave him a small smile.

"Tell me, where is the locket?"

My smile withered and died on my face.

"Ron had it when he died. It was in his pocket when he was blown apart. I do not know if it was destroyed. If not, it could be lying on the ground, or picked up by anyone. I do not know what happened to his remains." I choked back my words, too painful to say.

"Tell me," I heard him say. I looked a question. "Tell me what happened to you that day." My eyes spilled over, and my tea sloshed over the rim as my hands shook. He took it from me.

"The locket. It ate at our minds, made us doubt each other, invaded our dreams. It whispered to us. We took turns holding it. None of us could do so for long. Eventually, it wasn't much better when it wasn't our turn either. Ron was the worst. Harry had fears and I had doubts, but Ron, Ron got angry and suspicious. Eventually, we fell out. He flew into a rage and threatened to leave. I was fine with it, and Harry seemed like he was going to let him go, but at the last minute he changed his mind. He decided that all we needed was a good meal and a change of clothes. Ron was instantly better, more at ease. We agreed we would return to the Burrow for just one night to sleep, shower and gather more supplies. We gathered up our things and Apparated to the Burrow. They were on us as soon as we got there. I called to Harry that we had to leave, but he took off when he saw one of the Death Eaters go after Ginny. Ron ran after him and screamed at him that it was a trap, but he never turned back. Ron was right behind him when the Dark Lord appeared. I pulled out my wand and took off after them. I was only a little way back. Just a small distance. Only two steps really..." My face crumpled, and he pulled me into his arms.

I didn't cry hard; I had cried about this so much for so many years, but I think the entire night just got to be too much. Snape must have agreed. He pulled me up and carried me to the bed. He stood me on my own feet and slowly undressed me. After he had tucked me into bed, he undressed himself and crawled in behind me. He gathered me into his arms and together we slept until the morning.