Not Lost
Chapter 18 of 40
AuretteSeverus sees another side to the life Hermione has led and makes a startling confession.
Reviewed"Princess?"
I opened my one good eye and saw Ma hovering.
"There's a gentleman downstairs. He's requesting you. I told him you were not available, but he said he would pay an enormous amount of money, er, just to watch you sleep." Severus. "It's daft, I know; I told him you weren't much to look at, at the moment, but he just got more insistent and, well, it is a lot of money, and well, I was thinking you might have a need for St Mungo's if the healing potions don't work and the money would help. You know the Ministry takes all our profit. He said he knows some healing charms if you looked too bad for his taste." She wrung her hands as she looked at me and actually reached out and tucked the sheet tighter. "Never mind, this is foolish." She turned to go, but I stopped her.
"Nuh," I croaked. "S'okay." The potions Ma had given me kept me pain-free for the most part; I wasn't looking forward to them wearing off.
"Are you sure, Dear?"
I nodded, because talking made the cut on my lip reopen.
"Can you make it to the nearest room?"
I nodded and started to get out of bed. Ma came and helped me, and I stumbled to the guestroom down the hall from the infirmary. Once in the bed, there I lay down near the edge and closed my eyes.
I don't remember hearing Ma leave, but I do remember hearing him come in. I heard the door close and felt the magic swirl around me as wards were set. I heard the clunk of items being set down on a table, and then I heard him walk near.
He came into my line of sight, and his face was ashen. He slowly grabbed the sheet and pulled it down, revealing the injuries and abuse that Macnair had inflicted in his frenzied rage.
He howled. His face was infused with rage, and he let out a bellow like a dying bear and fell to his knees. There was murder in his tone. He buried his face into the bed by my hip and bunched up the sheets in his hands, and I watched with a drugged fascination as his body shook. I could feel it through the mattress. He pulled his head up and, staring at the wall, took a series of shuddering breaths. I watched as his face cleared of all emotion. He shifted back and closed his eyes briefly, then reached into his robes and took out a small bag. A wave of his wand enlarged it. He opened the bag and started to pull out bottles and vials of potions.
"What have they given you?" he said in a dry voice.
"Heali', ske'gro, someth' wi' ofium, heali' ou' o' date, tas' off." It was the best I could manage, I just hoped he understood.
He nodded and reached up and closed my eyes with a gentle hand.
I felt him cut my clothes off; they were ruined anyway. Then I felt the warmth of his magic wash over me and heard him sing quietly in a low melodic voice. I drifted off.
I woke several times when a strong arm lifted me up, and I felt a potion at my lips. I drank easier each time.
I woke the final time when I heard the chime for first light. I felt sore and strained but not much worse than that. I rubbed at my face; my mouth itched terribly, and when I lifted my hand to rub at it, I saw the long flannel sleeve of the nightgown I was wearing. I pulled at the fabric of the nightgown with bemusement and then looked over to find an utterly spent Severus watching me like a hawk. He sat in a hard wooden chair next to the bed, and as I tried to sit up, he reached out swiftly and helped; he held me until he adjusted the pillows and then laid me back down. He brought a glass of water to my lips, and I took a long drink. When I was done, he put it down and resumed just watching me.
"You healed me too much," I said. "Ma will be suspicious."
"I told her I had some small healing skills."
I nodded. I reached out and took his hand; he turned it and entwined his fingers through mine. I squeezed.
"Thank you," I said.
He just nodded and remained silent. I sensed his restrained anger and was concerned it might have been at me.
"I had no choice. I wasn't careless; I just don't get to choose."
His eyes flared a little, and he gently squeezed my hand.
"I know." And then his words flew out as if he was in a rush to explain why he hadn't saved me from something he couldn't stop. "I have been watching him, when I would see the mood come upon him, I would misdirect him, give him an assignment. But this week I have been away; it was most important, Hermione, and I am so very sorry. If I had been there..."
"Stop," I said. "We knew the risks. I told you I would live."
He gave me a foul look.
"How did you know to come?" I made a gesture at all the empty bottles and jars of salve scattered about the bed.
"I returned last night. I stopped at the Ministry and overheard some talk. I came as soon as I heard.
"Hermione... you understand I can do nothing," he said, looking stricken.
"Yes, you cannot be seen to care; I understand completely." His gaze fell, and he bowed his head; his hair slid down and hid him from me.
"I do care, Hermione," he whispered, "very much."
And there it was, what we never mentioned. I wanted to shy away from it, as if it was too bright for my pained eyes. He was fragile and apt to bind himself even further to me. I knew this would be so wrong to do to him. He had been bound too many times. I wanted to be strong enough to reject his words. Stop this foolishness before it was too late, so that he would be free to walk away, his own man, if we won. But I was weak. I didn't.
"Me too, Severus." There, that would have to do until we were both stronger and could make better decisions. He squeezed my hand tightly.
I decided to change the subject; we had business to discuss.
"What took you away? Where have you been?"
He reacted almost gratefully to the change of topic, no more comfortable with where our words could take us than I was.
He dropped my hand and reached into his robes, and when he pulled his hand back out, a gold chain came with it and dangling from it was a misshapen lump. My heart slammed into my ribs as I recognized the locket. I reached for it, but he snatched it back. A million questions flooded through my head as he replaced it back into his robes.
"Where...?"
"The Burrow. A series of locator spells helped me to find where it had fallen when..." He took my hand as I flinched from the images in my mind. Slamming down the barriers between my mind and my emotions, I drew a breath.
"I don't understand how the Dark Lord missed it. How could he not know it was there at that last battle?"
"He is not like you or me anymore, Hermione. His soul has been shattered for too long. He is not aware of himself in the same way. There is nothing left between his intelligence and his need. To have felt this small blackened bit of soul, he would have had to have empathy and intuition. He does not." He stood up in a smooth motion that belied the strain and fatigue I knew he must have felt. He walked over to the tea service that had appeared at first light and poured. When he had returned, I took the cup from him and he briskly started to put away the vials and jars scattered around.
"The Dark Lord has been at a loss these five years. He has achieved his dream, and yet he has lost his drive. Even his all-consuming search for the Elder Wand was curtailed by his sudden victory."
"The Elder Wand?" I asked. Something made it familiar sounding but I could not place it.
"The Elder Wand, or the Death Stick, or any number of foolish titles given it by history; it was one of the Deathly Hallows." He looked at me, and I could tell I was supposed to know what his words meant. "Did you never read the book left to you by Dumbledore?"
"You mean the fairy tales? The Tales of Beedle the Bard? I don't understand; I never figured out why he gave me that book. It's lost now..." My voice trailed off as my confusion grew.
"Not lost," he murmured quietly.
"I'm sorry?"
"The book is not lost. After I pulled myself together, I went searching for Potter's last campsite. I should have known you were still alive because the wards were still functional. I eventually found it. I have all your things. Potter's and Weasley's too."
I was glad he found them. It made me feel better to know our lonely campsite wasn't still lying there as a silent reminder of all that was lost.
"But what does that have to do with the Dark Lord?"
"He had been obsessed with finding a way to gain mastery of a legendary wand that would grant him obscene power over his foes. Before he found them, he won it all suddenly in a gamble. He used his connection with Potter to get him to go to the Burrow and vanquished him there. The boy never could close his mind." Severus closed the black bag with a violent snap. "Once the Dark Lord won, he put his mind towards consolidating his power and lost interest in the Deathly Hallows."
"What are these Deathly Hallows?'
"That's a conversation for another day."
"If they are important, won't he eventually look for them again?"
"I'm sure he thinks he has all the time in the world. But his time is running out in more ways than one."
I could not stop the nasty smirk that spread across my face. He answered with his own trademark sneer.
"Firstly, he is going mad. The Dark Lord has not noticed the death of his soul in small increments, but it has noticed. He has become more unstable. Sliding into insanity.
"Secondly, he does not see how his followers are turning from him. The most loyal are being removed, and he doesn't have the ability to understand the motives of those to whom he has given doubt.
"Finally, even if he does decide to go looking for the three Deathly Hallows, he is too late."
"Why?"
"I have them all."
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Latest 25 Reviews for The Princess of Gryffindor
597 Reviews | 6.94/10 Average
I agree with Mick42 in the sense that I don't like the Voldemort won/everyone's dead/Hermione's a whore stories. I avoid them like the plague. I decided to give this one a go based on the reviews. I was very, very skeptical. There were aspects to the writing that I didn't like, such as it being written in first person, but the memorial scene alone made it well worth the read. I may have shed a tear (or 10).
Wow...just wow. Now I know why all of these other reviewers have shed a tear. I am a mess. Still smiling tho'! Captivating read. Kudos!
Yay, all finished. It's been a while since I've read this, so I had forgotten a lot of the details in the ending chapters, but I still love it as much as I did the first time I read it. You have my in tears reading the end couple of chapters now, but that's terribly easy to do to a pregnant woman, so don't worry too much lol.
I just love Snape, have I ever mentioned that? I do. And it's stuff like this in stories- him vowing to protect Hermione- that make me love him even more..
This is one I've read before, on ffnet I think, but I have to read it here too, it just seems impossible not to reread your favorite stories when you come across them somewhere. The bonus is that you already know you love the story, even if you can't remember all the details between point A and A.D.
My dear Aurette,I have spent half of yesterday and all of today re-reading this unbelievable story. Half of the time, I've been a sobbing, sopping mess - when S&H were gathering forces and found people who were still alive, the whole Harry and Ron speaking to Hermione from the great beyond, the memorial scene (holy crap, talk about sobbing!), reuniting with Minerva's ghost, and the list goes on. I love the plot of the story. I love your numerous OCs. I love how the young DEs revolt. I love how forces from all sides join together to fight the Dark Lord. I love the romance between S&H. I love how utterly vulnerable he is to her, and she to him. I love how wizarding society hero-worships Snape in the end. I love So Many Things about this story. If my heart could take it, I'd start it all over again, but I really wasn't exaggerating when I said I was sobbing half the time I was reading. This might sound odd, but reading this today, US Memorial Day, just makes it seem even more poignant. But I do think it's honoring to RL sacrifices by reading about fictional ones. Thank you so much for this absolutely wonderful story, and for giving me such an enjoyable (if teary and snotty) way to spend my day off.Love,Christev
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
{{{hugs}}}What a beautiful thing to say. I am deeply touched and honored. Thank you, Christev.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
{{{hugs}}}What a beautiful thing to say. I am deeply touched and honored. Thank you, Christev.
Heartbreaking and wonderful and worth rereading. Thank you for sharing this.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I'm so glad you enjoyed. ;-)
Just re-read this and had to mention: Best Epilogue Ever. Why couldn't you have given JK a few pointers? ;-p
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! She never asked... Thank you!
I've just flown through the last several chapters, held in thrall to this story! This is just genius, you know, starting at a place of total desolation - this terrible post-war dystopia - and taking all the elements from DH (the prophecy from Severus, the Hallows, even walking beside the dead and moving with them before returning to earth - thanks particularly for including Draco with the others), using them as they were meant to be used, finding another way of stopping Voldemort and reenvisioning a new world in the aftermath.
And I love seeing Snape marked as the Man Who Lived! And a father! And the Minister! (And that proposal? Mmm-hmm... clearly, he has caught on to everything Hermione's been teaching him!)
You strike such a great balance between comedy and high drama. It's such a pleasure to read.
Oh, Goyle. Goyles will be Goyles, I suppose!"I think you have just been metaphorically peed on." Oh, I love this line... particularly since Severus' possessiveness towards Hermione is such a strong part of his character (which is why his reluctant willingness to 'share' Hermione rather than lose her was SO terribly shocking).
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Thank you! And I think, by his behavior in this chapter, you can see he tacitly took those words... back.
Response from ofankoma (Reviewer)
Oh, absolutely! That's what's so marvelous to see in this Snape. He acts impulsively so often, and then immediately knows that it's not what he really wanted, and is slowly learning to keep it all in check as he accepts the fact that she really loves him and that he's truly safe with her.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Hannah and Neville! Woo-hoo! (You can just feel the little triumphs along the way - things are getting brighter all the time!) And the lack of trust between all parties involved... yes, that feels completely, completely believable.(Also,I don't know that I've ever met an original character that I've liked, but Peaches is fantastic. Just fantastic. You make me change my mind on a lot of things, I think...)
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I intentionally started this tale as dark as I could make it, and then slowly let the light in. Neville and Hannah were such a beacon of hope...
Ah, the trust between the two as they examine the girls! And her red robes... yes, I imagine Severus doesn't want Hermione in anything less than a high-necked robe in front of her old beau.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Trust is something they thought they had, but as you can see, they are both too emotionally unsophisticated to not end up with issues.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Elder Goyle and Ma are two revelations here, aren't they? As for the former, it really makes me wonder (again and again) what Voldemort's plan was 'when' he won. Why cheat Death if you have nothing to live for? For someone as hypothetically long-sighted as he was (looking to an eternity of power and control over the wizarding world), he's remarkably short-sighted here (what do you do now that you've won?). You raise all sorts of fascinating questions here. And Ma, with the Veritaserum? Grand.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Ma was intended to just be a stock vilain, but she elbowed her way toward three dimentional. I was very happy with the way she worked out.
The robes! Wonderful, wonderful, all around, from Hermione's comfort in them and the note exchange.Charlie and Viktor? You're really getting things moving here, aren't you? Momentum. You're really a master with creating a momentum that just pulls a reader through the story. I don't mean just here, but everything I've read up til now - it's so well paced and unfolds so naturally. In case I haven't said this in a chapter or two, thanks so much for sharing this.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I was very attuned to the pacing of this tale. It was my very first mult-chaptered fic and getting the pacing down right was one of my primary concerns. Thank you so much for reviewing it!
Hooray! I love what you've done with Theo Nott. The second guessing and the regret shows how easy it was for misguided, then-ambivalent people to latch on to Voldemort's coat tails. (Cloak tails?) Very like Severus at that age, no?You're also hilarious, but I suspect you know that. "Conjure myself some decent clothes?" FABULOUS.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Exactly! I saw Theo as not being wildly different from young Snape, just perhaps a bit more entitled. I am so glad you liked this.
Wow. There are so many things I love, love, love in this chapter. First off, the relationship between Severus and the Malfoys. (Ach, and the horror of their deaths!) Next, Dumbledore's attitude. I, for one, have a tendency to vilify the man. Reading the repentance he shows here makes me rethink a lot of things about him. (So thank you for challenging me!) But you're right - we have a lot of evidence in DH that there are many unspoken things in his past that explain his present actions. And, of course, it's just a relief to see that he finally has someone to tell all this to, someone who will care for him and stand by him through it all. This is just wonderful, and I'm completely loving your writing and this story!
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I also have a tendancy to vilify Dumbledore, but I know that was never JKR's intention, so every so often I try and reset my thinking. Then I backslide. lol.
There are so many reasons I love this story... wonderful narrative flow, seamless incorporation of canon devices (Hallows! Can't wait to see them in action!), a fresh perspective on the nature of evil in the Voldemort regime, a place to see regrets worked out and atoned for.But the single greatest reason why this is so fabulous is your clear vision of your characters. What we know of them from JKR is fleshed out so beautifully here, and it's not a happy-go-lucky, cleaned up and sanitized version of the very broken people we know (and love), but a hard look at the mistakes they make and how they learn together to move on and forgive one another in a much deeper understanding of who the other really is.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
This chapter was my impetus for writing the whole fic. I wanted to get to this scene. Of course, once I did, I then had a Ministry to over throw... lol.
Oh, now that's interesting... incorporating the Hallows? I think this means we'll get to see some action from the Elder Wand (killing Voldemort?), the Resurrection Stone (Harry and Ron?), and the Invisibility Cloak (I have no idea on this one... it's useful in so many ways). I can't wait to see where they lead!
Severus' thoughts on the ambition of Voldemort five years out are interesting... it certainly does make you wonder - what would Tom have done had he won? Did he have a plan in place? I mean, the fear of ignominious death aside, what was really motivating his actions? What did he envision for the Wizarding world?
There's much that I enjoy in this chapter... the way they recognize each other as being, really, the only people left on earth (that we know of so far) who can really see one another is fantastic. Antarctica banter with penguins! 'Whoever had broken this man deserved to burn in hell.'What I found myself wishing I had here was Hermione's musings on her own sexual history. Was she a virgin before she was enslaved here? I found I wanted this when she first talked about her position as a whore with Snape as well... I just want it sometime. (Maybe it's coming up later? We'll see!) There seems to be space for her to say that she's still a virgin (so to speak) with a great deal of this as well. And defend her innocence. Since she never kissed Ron in the final battle (AU breaks off earlier here, right?), has she even been kissed?
Response from ofankoma (Reviewer)
(Because Severus very well may be right in trying to stop her... for her own peace of mind, certainly, and for the fact that she's been traumatised for years there. Another sexual experience now may not be helpful on the road to recovery, and he'd certainly be remiss if he didn't know the situation before letting her have her way with him...)
The harpsichord? That's hilarious. Does she tune it herself, as well? All the descriptions of this place add up to a bizarre, depressing, garish nightmare. It's like everyone tossed in their leftovers and out popped a brother, or several people's lives just vomited out all their extras on the (Voldemort-run) street.
Ah, Draco. I'm sad to hear he's lost. I have a soft spot for him as one of the people who gave Severus a will to go on in HBP and DH. I would have liked seeing your Snape deal with him.
That last long paragraph on the enigma of Snape? Spot on. It sums up why he's such a fascinating character in canon: powerful and powerless, beautiful and ugly, lauded and humiliated. The ambiguity of him is so rich, and not in the Dumbledore 'we sort too soon' sort of way, claiming that he's truly a Gryffindor at heart merely because he's on the side of good.
As to protection, well, that's another one of the strongest themes attached to him in canon, isn't it? He's constantly fighting to protect people - even people he despises -and he prepares them all to do the same. Your Hermione's a lucky girl...
Well done, you.
Hmm... "I, too, practice self-denial?" I think he might practice a few kinds of denial here, since he did just move to kiss her. (Of course, perhaps poor Severus doesn't know any better. He missed out on the 'What not to do whilst visiting a whorehouse' lesson in finishing school.) I greatly appreciate a post-DH Snape who doesn't know what to do with a woman... after all, when you poke around in canon, it seems fairly obvious that his social calendar was empty.
I also enjoy the dynamic you're setting up between Hermione and Peaches, the latter of whom is clearly in control of her own destiny in a way that Hermione just isn't... yet.
And...Harry and Ron? What?!?
Oh, gravy! Lime-green peignoirs and silver mules? This is a high class establishment poor Hermione's stuck in. (Although the lime-green clothing is oddly reminiscent of St. Mungo's...)
I love a phrase like "She floated in like a frigate in full sail." Really, the oppressing shabbiness of the place is overwhelming. I'm so very wary of new characters, so I'm really hoping I will like yours... Peaches, maybe yes? Ma, maybe no. Unless we do know Ma or Angel already and they're just under aliases like the Princess?
Drinking Cocoa enticed me back here to revisit this wonderful, deep, rich tale once again, when I should be doing my own writing and in other ways getting the heap of papers on my desk cleared and sorted (not to mention getting to bed at a decent hour). But, no, I had to swallow this beautiful work whole once again, rediscovering all its complexities and marvels, emotions and heatbreak, fascinations and intricacies. And it is now nearly 2am, and I can at last climb into my solitary little bed, wrapped in the warmth of some quite satisfying and delicious writing. Thank you.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I thank you, truly, for your revisiting this story. Nothing is more satisfying than knowing it is apreciated on a second reading as well. :-)
I give it five years before Brilliant figures out how to spell that journal open and gets the shock of her young life hahahaha.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! Oh, that would be Brilliant! You need to write that fic!
Response from StarryEyedNoOne (Reviewer)
I haven't wrote HP fanfic since I was the age of a first year lol. I pray to any diety that's listening that NONE of it is still floating aroung out there. :-\
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! I understand. I once read that if you aren't embarrased by something you wrote a year ago, you are no longer growing as a writer. Hell, I get embarrassed over things I wrote last week...