To Be Worthy
Chapter 10 of 40
AuretteHermione ponders what form her rescue will take, only to discover it will be infinitely more complicated than she had hoped for.
ReviewedThanks, again, to the wonderful Astopperindeath, for her patience with commas.
"...eat, stay out of trouble and be patient."
These words became my mantra over the next few weeks. Peaches and Angel were pleasantly surprised, if a little confused, by my changed demeanor. I won't lie and say I was suddenly chipper, but I had this shiny, new and fragile thing called hope that I held tightly to my chest. I mean physically. I actually found myself walking around with my hands cradled to my heart. So, I ate, did my best to not get in trouble, and tried to be patient.
The last was of course the hardest. Every time the door opened, I looked up to see who was coming into the lounge on Ma's arm, waiting to feel eyes staring a hole through my soul from a disguised face. He hadn't returned since, but he would. He had taken a vow. I passed my days and my nights in flights of fancy. I made up many scenarios in my head. The most common was: He came and swept me off my feet and whirled us away to some far-off place with a beach and drinks with paper umbrellas in them. Other times, he slipped me a Portkey, to be activated at a certain time or a certain phase of the moon. In my fantasies, he was better looking. He had somehow fixed his teeth and trimmed his hair, not too much. I kind of liked the gypsy look, and he had gotten some sun, or had his liver fixed, whatever was the cause of his ghastly pallor. He would take me out into the world, and people would look upon me with envy to see me on his arm. Fantasizing about having sex with him, while being with other men, wasn't a good idea though. I found that out the next day. It just made the mechanics of the act all the more irritating. Besides, it just felt wrong. What he and I had done had been so different from all the other acts, that to bring it into this other place was somehow demeaning or blasphemous. So, I saved that for when I showered. I spent a lot of time in the shower. I didn't even bother to scrub myself raw anymore.
Things were as close to happy as I got, if not for this one niggling cloud that always hung over even my brightest thoughts: What if he failed? I was so far out on an emotional limb, that failure would destroy me utterly. I knew this as I knew my own name. If he failed in his vow, I would be trapped here forever; a few months ago I was reconciled to that, but not anymore. It would kill what was left of my soul. But what was worse, what I couldn't face down, was the idea that if he failed it was because he was dead. And if he died, it was because I killed him. Something I did made that man latch onto me as his cause, and I was responsible for his life now.
Powerless to do a thing toward my own salvation that would help, I struggled, instead, to be worthy of him. However, besides the ordinary biographical data one knows about one's teacher, and the small added information that comes from fellow soldiers in a war, I really didn't know a damned thing about him. So I put my considerable mind towards coming up with behavioral plans for whatever type of woman he preferred. Basically, it worked like this: If on Monday it occurred to me he might like his woman to be meek, I spent the rest of the day being meek just so I could work any potential kinks out. Tuesdays, I would be take charge and assertive. Wednesdays, I would be bookish and proper, which was admittedly difficult without a book and wearing little more than a corset and a thong, but so it went. I can tell you that I drove Peaches especially batty on Saturdays when I would practice being a jolly sort.
It goes without saying that while I had my head up my arse trying to prepare for my savior's oh-so-very-Gryffindor-ish rescue, I was completely oblivious to the utterly Slytherin maneuvers that had already been put in motion.
I am embarrassed to say that it was several more weeks before I started to get wind of patterns in the events being gossiped about in the kitchen at the end of a night. I do know that when I did put the pieces together, my little fantasies and games blew apart and never returned. There was no more childish foolishness, only fear and sick worry because if my growing suspicions were correct, then my savior was not going to rush in here and free me by scooping me up and whisking me away. Oh no, nothing as utilitarian and relatively easy as that. Severus Snape was going to ensure my freedom and safety by destroying the Death Eaters and their Dark Lord with them. And that stupid, stupid, git of a man was trying to do it alone.
I didn't know if he even knew about the Horcruxes.
I had no proof of my suspicions. Of course I didn't, he was Slytherin to the core. The gossip about him was rather mundane and not at all interesting to anyone other than myself. He had enjoyed a brief bit of attention when he had first resurfaced. Macnair felt the Dark Lord's displeasure at his less than welcoming behavior towards Snape that first night. But interesting news faded when it became apparent that he really was nothing more than an old trusted friend of the Dark Lord, with no interest in power. In fact, his utter neutrality in the various disputes and factions within the government structure, and disinterest in such, made him seem quite boring. The Dark Lord let him return to his more than humble home, by all accounts, but called on him from time to time, happy to have a bit of advice from someone with no agenda. He even asked him to oversee some new trade possibilities with the wizarding population in the Andes, and Snape dutifully went, but returned after each trip to report his findings and then quietly slipped back into research, grumbling politely about having to leave his labs at important moments in his neverending research into the Dark Arts. All this was relayed in dribs and drabs by the younger men, many of whom seemed to be frustrated that their revered former Head of house wasn't swooping in to raise them up to glory. Especially Theo Nott, who thought his impression of Snape was spot on. It wasn't.
It was a singularly spectacular event that galvanized my attention and caused me to reexamine everything I had heard but not paid attention to: The deaths of Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange.
The younger men were all abuzz with the news, and their excitement bled over into openly bragging about the facts and suppositions they knew even to us girls. They tripped over each other in their need to have the best tidbit, the juiciest detail. Apparently, no one else had the type of access or influence with the Dark Lord that Bellatrix did, and the open lack of sympathy for her demise spoke volumes. It helped that the story was incredibly sordid as well.
It seemed that Rodolphus, a fairly regular patron of our fine establishment, had a sad little secret. He apparently was rather fond of a young half-blood man from Indonesia. Gossip had it he had set him up in some splendor and thought him rather well hidden. Absenting himself away to tryst with his young lover on his lunch hour, he found said boy dead. Poisoned. Returning to the Ministry in terrible grief, he was confronted by a cackling Bellatrix. Witnesses said the confrontation was loud, swift and quickly over. He made a fool of himself demanding to know how she had found out about him, and she screamed back in a sing-song voice about little birdies telling her things. Rodolphus was described as foaming at the mouth as he accused his wife of destroying his secret young lover, and while she screamed her derision on his pathetic nature and blurted out his secrets to all and sundry, he aimed a killing curse at her from behind, killing her dead in front of the entire department of Magical Imports and Exports. Then, by all accounts completely raving, he tried to fly out a window on the fifth floor of the Ministry, forgetting the small fact that the Ministry is located underground. He pulped himself against the wall.
The next few days were even more frantic as we heard how the Dark Lord had called Snape back from La Paz to examine the bodies. All were astir as the Potions master confirmed that Rodolphus had been poisoned as well. The Dark Lord was very angry indeed.
The deaths of the Lestranges left two vacuums to be filled. One, the incredibly lucrative department that Rodolphus had been in charge of, and, even more important, the job of top advisor to the Dark Lord himself. Those who were too eager to step into those positions were under suspicion of having orchestrated their demise. Those who shied away from the positions risked having someone else gain greater power and influence over policy. One thing was clear: the Death Eaters were in a panic.
I set my mind to how to best exploit this.
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Latest 25 Reviews for The Princess of Gryffindor
597 Reviews | 6.94/10 Average
I agree with Mick42 in the sense that I don't like the Voldemort won/everyone's dead/Hermione's a whore stories. I avoid them like the plague. I decided to give this one a go based on the reviews. I was very, very skeptical. There were aspects to the writing that I didn't like, such as it being written in first person, but the memorial scene alone made it well worth the read. I may have shed a tear (or 10).
Wow...just wow. Now I know why all of these other reviewers have shed a tear. I am a mess. Still smiling tho'! Captivating read. Kudos!
Yay, all finished. It's been a while since I've read this, so I had forgotten a lot of the details in the ending chapters, but I still love it as much as I did the first time I read it. You have my in tears reading the end couple of chapters now, but that's terribly easy to do to a pregnant woman, so don't worry too much lol.
I just love Snape, have I ever mentioned that? I do. And it's stuff like this in stories- him vowing to protect Hermione- that make me love him even more..
This is one I've read before, on ffnet I think, but I have to read it here too, it just seems impossible not to reread your favorite stories when you come across them somewhere. The bonus is that you already know you love the story, even if you can't remember all the details between point A and A.D.
My dear Aurette,I have spent half of yesterday and all of today re-reading this unbelievable story. Half of the time, I've been a sobbing, sopping mess - when S&H were gathering forces and found people who were still alive, the whole Harry and Ron speaking to Hermione from the great beyond, the memorial scene (holy crap, talk about sobbing!), reuniting with Minerva's ghost, and the list goes on. I love the plot of the story. I love your numerous OCs. I love how the young DEs revolt. I love how forces from all sides join together to fight the Dark Lord. I love the romance between S&H. I love how utterly vulnerable he is to her, and she to him. I love how wizarding society hero-worships Snape in the end. I love So Many Things about this story. If my heart could take it, I'd start it all over again, but I really wasn't exaggerating when I said I was sobbing half the time I was reading. This might sound odd, but reading this today, US Memorial Day, just makes it seem even more poignant. But I do think it's honoring to RL sacrifices by reading about fictional ones. Thank you so much for this absolutely wonderful story, and for giving me such an enjoyable (if teary and snotty) way to spend my day off.Love,Christev
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
{{{hugs}}}What a beautiful thing to say. I am deeply touched and honored. Thank you, Christev.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
{{{hugs}}}What a beautiful thing to say. I am deeply touched and honored. Thank you, Christev.
Heartbreaking and wonderful and worth rereading. Thank you for sharing this.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I'm so glad you enjoyed. ;-)
Just re-read this and had to mention: Best Epilogue Ever. Why couldn't you have given JK a few pointers? ;-p
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! She never asked... Thank you!
I've just flown through the last several chapters, held in thrall to this story! This is just genius, you know, starting at a place of total desolation - this terrible post-war dystopia - and taking all the elements from DH (the prophecy from Severus, the Hallows, even walking beside the dead and moving with them before returning to earth - thanks particularly for including Draco with the others), using them as they were meant to be used, finding another way of stopping Voldemort and reenvisioning a new world in the aftermath.
And I love seeing Snape marked as the Man Who Lived! And a father! And the Minister! (And that proposal? Mmm-hmm... clearly, he has caught on to everything Hermione's been teaching him!)
You strike such a great balance between comedy and high drama. It's such a pleasure to read.
Oh, Goyle. Goyles will be Goyles, I suppose!"I think you have just been metaphorically peed on." Oh, I love this line... particularly since Severus' possessiveness towards Hermione is such a strong part of his character (which is why his reluctant willingness to 'share' Hermione rather than lose her was SO terribly shocking).
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Thank you! And I think, by his behavior in this chapter, you can see he tacitly took those words... back.
Response from ofankoma (Reviewer)
Oh, absolutely! That's what's so marvelous to see in this Snape. He acts impulsively so often, and then immediately knows that it's not what he really wanted, and is slowly learning to keep it all in check as he accepts the fact that she really loves him and that he's truly safe with her.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Hannah and Neville! Woo-hoo! (You can just feel the little triumphs along the way - things are getting brighter all the time!) And the lack of trust between all parties involved... yes, that feels completely, completely believable.(Also,I don't know that I've ever met an original character that I've liked, but Peaches is fantastic. Just fantastic. You make me change my mind on a lot of things, I think...)
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I intentionally started this tale as dark as I could make it, and then slowly let the light in. Neville and Hannah were such a beacon of hope...
Ah, the trust between the two as they examine the girls! And her red robes... yes, I imagine Severus doesn't want Hermione in anything less than a high-necked robe in front of her old beau.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Trust is something they thought they had, but as you can see, they are both too emotionally unsophisticated to not end up with issues.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Elder Goyle and Ma are two revelations here, aren't they? As for the former, it really makes me wonder (again and again) what Voldemort's plan was 'when' he won. Why cheat Death if you have nothing to live for? For someone as hypothetically long-sighted as he was (looking to an eternity of power and control over the wizarding world), he's remarkably short-sighted here (what do you do now that you've won?). You raise all sorts of fascinating questions here. And Ma, with the Veritaserum? Grand.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Ma was intended to just be a stock vilain, but she elbowed her way toward three dimentional. I was very happy with the way she worked out.
The robes! Wonderful, wonderful, all around, from Hermione's comfort in them and the note exchange.Charlie and Viktor? You're really getting things moving here, aren't you? Momentum. You're really a master with creating a momentum that just pulls a reader through the story. I don't mean just here, but everything I've read up til now - it's so well paced and unfolds so naturally. In case I haven't said this in a chapter or two, thanks so much for sharing this.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I was very attuned to the pacing of this tale. It was my very first mult-chaptered fic and getting the pacing down right was one of my primary concerns. Thank you so much for reviewing it!
Hooray! I love what you've done with Theo Nott. The second guessing and the regret shows how easy it was for misguided, then-ambivalent people to latch on to Voldemort's coat tails. (Cloak tails?) Very like Severus at that age, no?You're also hilarious, but I suspect you know that. "Conjure myself some decent clothes?" FABULOUS.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Exactly! I saw Theo as not being wildly different from young Snape, just perhaps a bit more entitled. I am so glad you liked this.
Wow. There are so many things I love, love, love in this chapter. First off, the relationship between Severus and the Malfoys. (Ach, and the horror of their deaths!) Next, Dumbledore's attitude. I, for one, have a tendency to vilify the man. Reading the repentance he shows here makes me rethink a lot of things about him. (So thank you for challenging me!) But you're right - we have a lot of evidence in DH that there are many unspoken things in his past that explain his present actions. And, of course, it's just a relief to see that he finally has someone to tell all this to, someone who will care for him and stand by him through it all. This is just wonderful, and I'm completely loving your writing and this story!
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I also have a tendancy to vilify Dumbledore, but I know that was never JKR's intention, so every so often I try and reset my thinking. Then I backslide. lol.
There are so many reasons I love this story... wonderful narrative flow, seamless incorporation of canon devices (Hallows! Can't wait to see them in action!), a fresh perspective on the nature of evil in the Voldemort regime, a place to see regrets worked out and atoned for.But the single greatest reason why this is so fabulous is your clear vision of your characters. What we know of them from JKR is fleshed out so beautifully here, and it's not a happy-go-lucky, cleaned up and sanitized version of the very broken people we know (and love), but a hard look at the mistakes they make and how they learn together to move on and forgive one another in a much deeper understanding of who the other really is.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
This chapter was my impetus for writing the whole fic. I wanted to get to this scene. Of course, once I did, I then had a Ministry to over throw... lol.
Oh, now that's interesting... incorporating the Hallows? I think this means we'll get to see some action from the Elder Wand (killing Voldemort?), the Resurrection Stone (Harry and Ron?), and the Invisibility Cloak (I have no idea on this one... it's useful in so many ways). I can't wait to see where they lead!
Severus' thoughts on the ambition of Voldemort five years out are interesting... it certainly does make you wonder - what would Tom have done had he won? Did he have a plan in place? I mean, the fear of ignominious death aside, what was really motivating his actions? What did he envision for the Wizarding world?
There's much that I enjoy in this chapter... the way they recognize each other as being, really, the only people left on earth (that we know of so far) who can really see one another is fantastic. Antarctica banter with penguins! 'Whoever had broken this man deserved to burn in hell.'What I found myself wishing I had here was Hermione's musings on her own sexual history. Was she a virgin before she was enslaved here? I found I wanted this when she first talked about her position as a whore with Snape as well... I just want it sometime. (Maybe it's coming up later? We'll see!) There seems to be space for her to say that she's still a virgin (so to speak) with a great deal of this as well. And defend her innocence. Since she never kissed Ron in the final battle (AU breaks off earlier here, right?), has she even been kissed?
Response from ofankoma (Reviewer)
(Because Severus very well may be right in trying to stop her... for her own peace of mind, certainly, and for the fact that she's been traumatised for years there. Another sexual experience now may not be helpful on the road to recovery, and he'd certainly be remiss if he didn't know the situation before letting her have her way with him...)
The harpsichord? That's hilarious. Does she tune it herself, as well? All the descriptions of this place add up to a bizarre, depressing, garish nightmare. It's like everyone tossed in their leftovers and out popped a brother, or several people's lives just vomited out all their extras on the (Voldemort-run) street.
Ah, Draco. I'm sad to hear he's lost. I have a soft spot for him as one of the people who gave Severus a will to go on in HBP and DH. I would have liked seeing your Snape deal with him.
That last long paragraph on the enigma of Snape? Spot on. It sums up why he's such a fascinating character in canon: powerful and powerless, beautiful and ugly, lauded and humiliated. The ambiguity of him is so rich, and not in the Dumbledore 'we sort too soon' sort of way, claiming that he's truly a Gryffindor at heart merely because he's on the side of good.
As to protection, well, that's another one of the strongest themes attached to him in canon, isn't it? He's constantly fighting to protect people - even people he despises -and he prepares them all to do the same. Your Hermione's a lucky girl...
Well done, you.
Hmm... "I, too, practice self-denial?" I think he might practice a few kinds of denial here, since he did just move to kiss her. (Of course, perhaps poor Severus doesn't know any better. He missed out on the 'What not to do whilst visiting a whorehouse' lesson in finishing school.) I greatly appreciate a post-DH Snape who doesn't know what to do with a woman... after all, when you poke around in canon, it seems fairly obvious that his social calendar was empty.
I also enjoy the dynamic you're setting up between Hermione and Peaches, the latter of whom is clearly in control of her own destiny in a way that Hermione just isn't... yet.
And...Harry and Ron? What?!?
Oh, gravy! Lime-green peignoirs and silver mules? This is a high class establishment poor Hermione's stuck in. (Although the lime-green clothing is oddly reminiscent of St. Mungo's...)
I love a phrase like "She floated in like a frigate in full sail." Really, the oppressing shabbiness of the place is overwhelming. I'm so very wary of new characters, so I'm really hoping I will like yours... Peaches, maybe yes? Ma, maybe no. Unless we do know Ma or Angel already and they're just under aliases like the Princess?
Drinking Cocoa enticed me back here to revisit this wonderful, deep, rich tale once again, when I should be doing my own writing and in other ways getting the heap of papers on my desk cleared and sorted (not to mention getting to bed at a decent hour). But, no, I had to swallow this beautiful work whole once again, rediscovering all its complexities and marvels, emotions and heatbreak, fascinations and intricacies. And it is now nearly 2am, and I can at last climb into my solitary little bed, wrapped in the warmth of some quite satisfying and delicious writing. Thank you.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I thank you, truly, for your revisiting this story. Nothing is more satisfying than knowing it is apreciated on a second reading as well. :-)
I give it five years before Brilliant figures out how to spell that journal open and gets the shock of her young life hahahaha.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! Oh, that would be Brilliant! You need to write that fic!
Response from StarryEyedNoOne (Reviewer)
I haven't wrote HP fanfic since I was the age of a first year lol. I pray to any diety that's listening that NONE of it is still floating aroung out there. :-\
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! I understand. I once read that if you aren't embarrased by something you wrote a year ago, you are no longer growing as a writer. Hell, I get embarrassed over things I wrote last week...