I Fell Asleep Confused
Chapter 4 of 40
AuretteHermione struggles with feelings she thought long gone.
ReviewedA special thank you goes to astopperindeath for inviting me to come play here and for volunteering to beta!
I wake up confused; my throat is raw. Deeply disoriented, I look around, trying to make sense of my surroundings. The sounds and smells stir memories, but I can’t place them. A door opens somewhere behind me, and brisk steps approach.
“How are you feeling?”
I turn my head to see a healer waving her wand over me.
“Madam Pomfrey!” The healer frowns and narrows her eyes. I have made a mistake. How many points off was that? I take a deep breath, waiting for the next question.
“Do you know where you are?”
“Hogwarts?” I see I have gotten this question wrong as well. Panic sets in. How many questions are there? How will this effect my final grade?
I see her reach over for several vials of potion. Her movements are brusque and business like.
“Has Harry been here? Or Ron? I thought I heard them just now.” I look for cards or get-well sweets but see none. I look back at the healer and see a deep sadness in her eyes. Oh. I remember; they are dead. I remember everything. I start to scream. My throat is raw.
~*^*~
I wake up confused. The light in the room is dim. I look around and see other people in the beds around me, most are quiet, sleeping. Some are murmuring. It is the murmuring that woke me. I have been hearing it over and over in my sleep, and I need to understand what it is. I see someone rocking back and forth. They are muttering something. Is it a spell? I listen intently. No, it is nonsense. They are simply gibbering. The sound is curiously soothing. I fall back to sleep.
~*^*~
I wake up confused. I hear the door to the ward open and footsteps approach. A healer is standing over me waving a wand.
“How do you feel?”
“As if I am underwater,” I reply. My mouth seems full of cotton.
The healer reaches for a glass of water and helps me take a sip.
“Where am I?” The healer looks pleased at my question. This means nothing to me.
“You are in St. Mungo’s. You have been here for several days. Can you tell me your name?”
“They call me Princess,” I whisper back. Again, I am rewarded with a tight smile. I turn my head away.
~*~*~
I woke up cold. The blankets had been pulled off, and the skin of my naked body was pebbled with gooseflesh. I rolled over and saw the source of the snores that had woken me up. The man had cocooned himself in all the blankets. Selfish prick. I gently rolled off the bed and scooped up my belongings. He had paid for the room for the night but he didn’t pay enough for me. I dressed and slipped out of the room.
I reached the lobby and saw Ma. I gave her a questioning look, unsure of which lounge she wanted me in, but she waved her hand at me.
“That’s it for the night. Not many coming out on such a bitter cold night. Everyone has been seen to. Go, get yourself some food. You don’t bring in enough money to pay for another trip to St. Mungo’s.”
“Alright.” I turned away and headed to the kitchens. It was warm in here. Several of the girls were there stuffing themselves with meat rolls and pots of tea. I prepared a small plate and listened to the chatter going on around me. The air was filled with the usual disparaging stories of men’s so-called prowess in bed turning into a three minute chafe-fest. Shapes and sizes were the usual gossip at that time of night, but there had been more interesting banter in the weeks since I had returned from the Janus Thickey Ward of St. Mungo’s. It seemed there was some disorder amongst the Death Eaters. Nothing major, just power shifts and the accompanying grievances. In the past, I ignored useless gossip, but since I had come back I sifted through even the smallest tidbits. Angel and Peaches dropped down on the bench to either side of me. Peaches piled more food on my plate and Angel poured me more tea. They had decided it was their job to make sure I didn’t collapse from exhaustion again. That’s what the Healers said was wrong with me. The fact that I spent a week in a mental fugue state and another week raving meant something else to me. It told me I was losing my mind. Thank God. It had taken long enough. I pictured the pathetic soul sitting at all hours in the center of her bed rocking back and forth gibbering, and I was filled with envy.
It happened after Snape. They told me they found me standing alone in the middle of the room chattering away to myself. It wasn’t the first time they found me like that. I have a tendency towards little mental holidays. I was just surprised that my encounter with my former professor would have impacted me so much. I was usually much more adept at burying my soul, hiding my emotions. Somehow, he got past my barriers; he opened up my memories and feelings, and they swamped me and I almost drowned. After my near escape to the Janus Thickey ward, I realized that perhaps the key to my final mental escape would be to stop trying to numb myself, to open myself up to my pain and humiliation. I had been trying to access my feelings again since, trying to break the dam, but I couldn’t. I wanted to drown in my emotions and be swept away again. I was trying to feel, but it only worked in fits and starts. I wondered if I broke myself.
Ruby mentioned something about Rookwood having trouble performing. The other girls sniggered as I swallowed quickly and leaned closer.
“He blamed it on work. But I can tell the after-shocks of a Crucio. The Dark Lord hasn’t been happy lately.”
“Aye,” said Stella. “I have seen the same. Seems he has been especially nasty to the Elders lately. The young ones don’t have such problems, and a few of them are even randier. Crabbe Jr. has been bragging about big things coming his way with the return of his mentor, whoever that may be.”
I felt my heart pounding. I knew who his mentor would be. He had not been back since that night, but he had been here in stories. From what Peaches told me, he presented himself to the Dark Lord the next day, and it didn’t go well for Macnair at all. The Elders, the original Death Eaters, each hold their little fiefdom of power with a tight grip. The return of the prodigal had caused a stir. Alliances had been forming amongst those trying to hold onto all their responsibilities and the fresh and young who were waiting for a share. The return of an Elder means a shift that could bring down a man not prepared for a fight. Macnair hasn’t been here much. Gossip had it that Snape said firmly that he wasn’t interested in power or responsibility. No one believed him.
As the talk swung back to clothes and shoes and who needed a new what, I finished my tea and left the table. Peaches followed, yawning hugely behind me on the stairs. I pondered the enigma that was Snape; I didn’t know who or what he was. Was he a small, powerless man? Slightly pathetic looking and terribly ugly? Yes. That was what stood in the center of the lounge that night, humiliated at the derision heaped on him by his brethren. But, then, how was it he had the ability to stir up the hornet's nest just by seeking an audience with the Dark Lord? No small man would have been capable of that. I remembered the fish-out-of-water standing in the lounge helpless to prevent the abuse descending on him. I still didn’t understand what had motivated me to act on his behalf. I just felt I should. And feeling anything but anger and resentment was so novel an experience for me. Perhaps it was just that. But, the man who was so helpless, who was so inept in bed, the middle-aged virgin who I’d had to push onto the bed changed in the blink of an eye. I felt something then, and I savored the memory of it as I pulled down the thin blanket on my camp bed in the attic. I knew that feeling was the key to my release. When he clutched me to his chest and turned on Macnair, I felt protected. In that one moment, I was small and fragile and protected. As I slid down into the bed. I let my mind revisit the feeling of being held like something of value.
I fell asleep confused.
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Latest 25 Reviews for The Princess of Gryffindor
597 Reviews | 6.94/10 Average
I agree with Mick42 in the sense that I don't like the Voldemort won/everyone's dead/Hermione's a whore stories. I avoid them like the plague. I decided to give this one a go based on the reviews. I was very, very skeptical. There were aspects to the writing that I didn't like, such as it being written in first person, but the memorial scene alone made it well worth the read. I may have shed a tear (or 10).
Wow...just wow. Now I know why all of these other reviewers have shed a tear. I am a mess. Still smiling tho'! Captivating read. Kudos!
Yay, all finished. It's been a while since I've read this, so I had forgotten a lot of the details in the ending chapters, but I still love it as much as I did the first time I read it. You have my in tears reading the end couple of chapters now, but that's terribly easy to do to a pregnant woman, so don't worry too much lol.
I just love Snape, have I ever mentioned that? I do. And it's stuff like this in stories- him vowing to protect Hermione- that make me love him even more..
This is one I've read before, on ffnet I think, but I have to read it here too, it just seems impossible not to reread your favorite stories when you come across them somewhere. The bonus is that you already know you love the story, even if you can't remember all the details between point A and A.D.
My dear Aurette,I have spent half of yesterday and all of today re-reading this unbelievable story. Half of the time, I've been a sobbing, sopping mess - when S&H were gathering forces and found people who were still alive, the whole Harry and Ron speaking to Hermione from the great beyond, the memorial scene (holy crap, talk about sobbing!), reuniting with Minerva's ghost, and the list goes on. I love the plot of the story. I love your numerous OCs. I love how the young DEs revolt. I love how forces from all sides join together to fight the Dark Lord. I love the romance between S&H. I love how utterly vulnerable he is to her, and she to him. I love how wizarding society hero-worships Snape in the end. I love So Many Things about this story. If my heart could take it, I'd start it all over again, but I really wasn't exaggerating when I said I was sobbing half the time I was reading. This might sound odd, but reading this today, US Memorial Day, just makes it seem even more poignant. But I do think it's honoring to RL sacrifices by reading about fictional ones. Thank you so much for this absolutely wonderful story, and for giving me such an enjoyable (if teary and snotty) way to spend my day off.Love,Christev
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
{{{hugs}}}What a beautiful thing to say. I am deeply touched and honored. Thank you, Christev.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
{{{hugs}}}What a beautiful thing to say. I am deeply touched and honored. Thank you, Christev.
Heartbreaking and wonderful and worth rereading. Thank you for sharing this.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I'm so glad you enjoyed. ;-)
Just re-read this and had to mention: Best Epilogue Ever. Why couldn't you have given JK a few pointers? ;-p
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! She never asked... Thank you!
I've just flown through the last several chapters, held in thrall to this story! This is just genius, you know, starting at a place of total desolation - this terrible post-war dystopia - and taking all the elements from DH (the prophecy from Severus, the Hallows, even walking beside the dead and moving with them before returning to earth - thanks particularly for including Draco with the others), using them as they were meant to be used, finding another way of stopping Voldemort and reenvisioning a new world in the aftermath.
And I love seeing Snape marked as the Man Who Lived! And a father! And the Minister! (And that proposal? Mmm-hmm... clearly, he has caught on to everything Hermione's been teaching him!)
You strike such a great balance between comedy and high drama. It's such a pleasure to read.
Oh, Goyle. Goyles will be Goyles, I suppose!"I think you have just been metaphorically peed on." Oh, I love this line... particularly since Severus' possessiveness towards Hermione is such a strong part of his character (which is why his reluctant willingness to 'share' Hermione rather than lose her was SO terribly shocking).
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Thank you! And I think, by his behavior in this chapter, you can see he tacitly took those words... back.
Response from ofankoma (Reviewer)
Oh, absolutely! That's what's so marvelous to see in this Snape. He acts impulsively so often, and then immediately knows that it's not what he really wanted, and is slowly learning to keep it all in check as he accepts the fact that she really loves him and that he's truly safe with her.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Hannah and Neville! Woo-hoo! (You can just feel the little triumphs along the way - things are getting brighter all the time!) And the lack of trust between all parties involved... yes, that feels completely, completely believable.(Also,I don't know that I've ever met an original character that I've liked, but Peaches is fantastic. Just fantastic. You make me change my mind on a lot of things, I think...)
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I intentionally started this tale as dark as I could make it, and then slowly let the light in. Neville and Hannah were such a beacon of hope...
Ah, the trust between the two as they examine the girls! And her red robes... yes, I imagine Severus doesn't want Hermione in anything less than a high-necked robe in front of her old beau.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Trust is something they thought they had, but as you can see, they are both too emotionally unsophisticated to not end up with issues.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Elder Goyle and Ma are two revelations here, aren't they? As for the former, it really makes me wonder (again and again) what Voldemort's plan was 'when' he won. Why cheat Death if you have nothing to live for? For someone as hypothetically long-sighted as he was (looking to an eternity of power and control over the wizarding world), he's remarkably short-sighted here (what do you do now that you've won?). You raise all sorts of fascinating questions here. And Ma, with the Veritaserum? Grand.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Ma was intended to just be a stock vilain, but she elbowed her way toward three dimentional. I was very happy with the way she worked out.
The robes! Wonderful, wonderful, all around, from Hermione's comfort in them and the note exchange.Charlie and Viktor? You're really getting things moving here, aren't you? Momentum. You're really a master with creating a momentum that just pulls a reader through the story. I don't mean just here, but everything I've read up til now - it's so well paced and unfolds so naturally. In case I haven't said this in a chapter or two, thanks so much for sharing this.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I was very attuned to the pacing of this tale. It was my very first mult-chaptered fic and getting the pacing down right was one of my primary concerns. Thank you so much for reviewing it!
Hooray! I love what you've done with Theo Nott. The second guessing and the regret shows how easy it was for misguided, then-ambivalent people to latch on to Voldemort's coat tails. (Cloak tails?) Very like Severus at that age, no?You're also hilarious, but I suspect you know that. "Conjure myself some decent clothes?" FABULOUS.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
Exactly! I saw Theo as not being wildly different from young Snape, just perhaps a bit more entitled. I am so glad you liked this.
Wow. There are so many things I love, love, love in this chapter. First off, the relationship between Severus and the Malfoys. (Ach, and the horror of their deaths!) Next, Dumbledore's attitude. I, for one, have a tendency to vilify the man. Reading the repentance he shows here makes me rethink a lot of things about him. (So thank you for challenging me!) But you're right - we have a lot of evidence in DH that there are many unspoken things in his past that explain his present actions. And, of course, it's just a relief to see that he finally has someone to tell all this to, someone who will care for him and stand by him through it all. This is just wonderful, and I'm completely loving your writing and this story!
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I also have a tendancy to vilify Dumbledore, but I know that was never JKR's intention, so every so often I try and reset my thinking. Then I backslide. lol.
There are so many reasons I love this story... wonderful narrative flow, seamless incorporation of canon devices (Hallows! Can't wait to see them in action!), a fresh perspective on the nature of evil in the Voldemort regime, a place to see regrets worked out and atoned for.But the single greatest reason why this is so fabulous is your clear vision of your characters. What we know of them from JKR is fleshed out so beautifully here, and it's not a happy-go-lucky, cleaned up and sanitized version of the very broken people we know (and love), but a hard look at the mistakes they make and how they learn together to move on and forgive one another in a much deeper understanding of who the other really is.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
This chapter was my impetus for writing the whole fic. I wanted to get to this scene. Of course, once I did, I then had a Ministry to over throw... lol.
Oh, now that's interesting... incorporating the Hallows? I think this means we'll get to see some action from the Elder Wand (killing Voldemort?), the Resurrection Stone (Harry and Ron?), and the Invisibility Cloak (I have no idea on this one... it's useful in so many ways). I can't wait to see where they lead!
Severus' thoughts on the ambition of Voldemort five years out are interesting... it certainly does make you wonder - what would Tom have done had he won? Did he have a plan in place? I mean, the fear of ignominious death aside, what was really motivating his actions? What did he envision for the Wizarding world?
There's much that I enjoy in this chapter... the way they recognize each other as being, really, the only people left on earth (that we know of so far) who can really see one another is fantastic. Antarctica banter with penguins! 'Whoever had broken this man deserved to burn in hell.'What I found myself wishing I had here was Hermione's musings on her own sexual history. Was she a virgin before she was enslaved here? I found I wanted this when she first talked about her position as a whore with Snape as well... I just want it sometime. (Maybe it's coming up later? We'll see!) There seems to be space for her to say that she's still a virgin (so to speak) with a great deal of this as well. And defend her innocence. Since she never kissed Ron in the final battle (AU breaks off earlier here, right?), has she even been kissed?
Response from ofankoma (Reviewer)
(Because Severus very well may be right in trying to stop her... for her own peace of mind, certainly, and for the fact that she's been traumatised for years there. Another sexual experience now may not be helpful on the road to recovery, and he'd certainly be remiss if he didn't know the situation before letting her have her way with him...)
The harpsichord? That's hilarious. Does she tune it herself, as well? All the descriptions of this place add up to a bizarre, depressing, garish nightmare. It's like everyone tossed in their leftovers and out popped a brother, or several people's lives just vomited out all their extras on the (Voldemort-run) street.
Ah, Draco. I'm sad to hear he's lost. I have a soft spot for him as one of the people who gave Severus a will to go on in HBP and DH. I would have liked seeing your Snape deal with him.
That last long paragraph on the enigma of Snape? Spot on. It sums up why he's such a fascinating character in canon: powerful and powerless, beautiful and ugly, lauded and humiliated. The ambiguity of him is so rich, and not in the Dumbledore 'we sort too soon' sort of way, claiming that he's truly a Gryffindor at heart merely because he's on the side of good.
As to protection, well, that's another one of the strongest themes attached to him in canon, isn't it? He's constantly fighting to protect people - even people he despises -and he prepares them all to do the same. Your Hermione's a lucky girl...
Well done, you.
Hmm... "I, too, practice self-denial?" I think he might practice a few kinds of denial here, since he did just move to kiss her. (Of course, perhaps poor Severus doesn't know any better. He missed out on the 'What not to do whilst visiting a whorehouse' lesson in finishing school.) I greatly appreciate a post-DH Snape who doesn't know what to do with a woman... after all, when you poke around in canon, it seems fairly obvious that his social calendar was empty.
I also enjoy the dynamic you're setting up between Hermione and Peaches, the latter of whom is clearly in control of her own destiny in a way that Hermione just isn't... yet.
And...Harry and Ron? What?!?
Oh, gravy! Lime-green peignoirs and silver mules? This is a high class establishment poor Hermione's stuck in. (Although the lime-green clothing is oddly reminiscent of St. Mungo's...)
I love a phrase like "She floated in like a frigate in full sail." Really, the oppressing shabbiness of the place is overwhelming. I'm so very wary of new characters, so I'm really hoping I will like yours... Peaches, maybe yes? Ma, maybe no. Unless we do know Ma or Angel already and they're just under aliases like the Princess?
Drinking Cocoa enticed me back here to revisit this wonderful, deep, rich tale once again, when I should be doing my own writing and in other ways getting the heap of papers on my desk cleared and sorted (not to mention getting to bed at a decent hour). But, no, I had to swallow this beautiful work whole once again, rediscovering all its complexities and marvels, emotions and heatbreak, fascinations and intricacies. And it is now nearly 2am, and I can at last climb into my solitary little bed, wrapped in the warmth of some quite satisfying and delicious writing. Thank you.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
I thank you, truly, for your revisiting this story. Nothing is more satisfying than knowing it is apreciated on a second reading as well. :-)
I give it five years before Brilliant figures out how to spell that journal open and gets the shock of her young life hahahaha.
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! Oh, that would be Brilliant! You need to write that fic!
Response from StarryEyedNoOne (Reviewer)
I haven't wrote HP fanfic since I was the age of a first year lol. I pray to any diety that's listening that NONE of it is still floating aroung out there. :-\
Response from Aurette (Author of The Princess of Gryffindor)
LOL! I understand. I once read that if you aren't embarrased by something you wrote a year ago, you are no longer growing as a writer. Hell, I get embarrassed over things I wrote last week...