Denial

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Chapter 7 – Denial

Dumbledore had been extremely gracious in getting Lily and Remus to meet. Remus had been on the run since James’ death. When Sirius killed Peter and had been sent to Azkaban, he had been terribly upset and paranoid about his own life. He went underground, only allowing Dumbledore to know his whereabouts. Now that the majority of Voldemort’s Death Eaters were now safely imprisoned and the rest laying low to save their own skin, like Lucius Malfoy, he could afford to now test the waters. He came to Hagrid’s hut to meet Lily and Harry. When he had found out that she was living with Severus, he had been wary, but at least he did not cause a scene as Sirius had.

The truth was that Remus Lupin had never hated Severus Snape. It had not been his idea to lure the unfortunate boy to his secret hiding place. He could not help what he became when he transformed. There was talk of a new breakthrough potion called Wolfsbane that would allow a werewolf to retain his human mind even though he still went through the physical change. Another effect of Wolfsbane was to ease some of the physical pain of transformation. Lupin knew that if he were to ever get a chance in hell at getting anyone to brew Wolfsbane for him, it would be Severus. However, the wizard would rather have him killed than help him. No matter how many times Remus had tried to make peace with Severus in the past, it had come to naught. Therefore, he told Dumbledore he would not set foot in the castle, out of respect for the Potions master’s feelings. He also asked that Severus not know when or where their meeting was to take place. From what he heard Minerva and Dumbledore tell, Severus had grown to care for little Harry as if he were his own flesh and blood. Remus knew how possessive and protective the wizard was, and he wasn’t going to take any chances on having a confrontation.

The plan was formed by Dumbledore. Lily and Harry would go for their weekly visit to Hagrid’s and Remus would join them all there to visit.

Severus was not in the least suspicious or worried when Lily left the castle to see Hagrid. He was deeply indebted to the half-giant and felt he had saved Harry’s life the night Sirius had Portkeyed them to his hut. His insistence on taking Harry from Sirius to Madam Pomfrey had most likely stopped the bastard from killing him! He still hated the thought that Sirius had been left alone with Lily while she was unconscious, but he had not harmed her. He always thought that to be odd. However, the day he stormed in their home and demanded Lily leave with him, Severus believed that Sirius desired Lily for himself. That made him hate the wizard more than ever. He was glad Sirius was in Azkaban.

Remus was a far different story. Severus feared the werewolf. He wished he were dead as well and could not understand why Lily would want to see him! Why would she want to be reminded of those days knowing what she knew now? How did she know that Lupin had not been in league with Sirius? He didn’t put anything past him. It was almost ironic that he and Potter would have anything in common now, but they did. Lily was too trusting for her own good.

Although he had his reservations about it, he was powerless to stop her. She wanted to see Remus, she wanted to find answers, and she wanted to know if he was all right. He just had to bite his tongue and let her do it. They'd had a terrible row over her taking Harry, but she'd told him plainly that Harry was her child and she was more than able to make decisions about his welfare.

She had been so hurt and affronted that Snape had bit his tongue and relented. He was afraid of losing her; he would do whatever she asked. He had lain in their bed that night, afraid she would not join him, but she had, and he'd made love to her desperately, as if he needed to be reassured that she was still his.

Lily was growing increasingly depressed as the days passed. There was no real threat anymore. She and Harry could go and live a normal life, but Severus pleaded with her to stay. He was terrified of her being out there alone. He wanted to protect her and he wanted to marry her, but she remained firm in her decision to wait at least a year before considering marriage out of respect for James. Sometimes he badly wanted to throw it in her face that she was just as much his wife as any other married woman. All they lacked was the certificate. She lived in his rooms, ate at his table, allowed him to be a father to her son, and shared her body with him—willingly!

But he had told her he was a patient man. He would wait for her.

***

Lily knocked on Hagrid’s door with Harry in tow. The door opened and she squealed as she saw her dear friend Remus sitting quietly in the corner. She handed Harry to Hagrid and launched herself on Remus, crying and laughing at the same time. When she pulled back, she saw how haggard and old he looked. She had seen him not more than six months ago, and he looked as if he had aged ten years.

“Remus,” she said softly as she ran her hand through his hair. “What has happened to you?”

“Lily,’ he laughed. “ Life has happened to me. Real life. I’ve been on the run since—” He stopped speaking. He was too choked up.

“Remus,” she said sadly. She held him to her and kissed his cheek. He grew red as a beet and tried to avoid her eyes.

“So, Harry! He is getting to be quite the little lad!” he said with a forced lightness in his voice.

Hagrid handed him over and he held him in his lap.

“I take it that all is still well with you and Severus?” he asked delicately.

“Yes,” she answered. “Severus is very good to me. He loves Harry—”

“He loves you, Lily,” he said pointedly. “He loves you and therefore he loves Harry.”

“Don’t you judge me, Remus,” she warned angrily.

“No, Lily,” he answered sadly, “I am the last person to judge you. You have had your life ripped from you.”

“Then would you mind not insulting me by challenging Severus’ motives?” she bit back at him.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I am. I know Severus was not the horrid person James and Sirius insisted he was. But, Lily, that being said, you have to face the reality of what you are doing. The truth is that Severus loves you. He always has loved you. Please don’t hurt him more than what James, Sirius, Peter, and I have. That’s all I am concerned about, Lily. Don’t live a lie.”

Lily looked at Hagrid, who was pretending to not listen to their conversation, but had a look in his eye that said he agreed with Remus wholeheartedly.

“Remus,” she whispered, “without Severus, I don’t even know if Harry and I would be alive! He protected us from Sirius. He was so crazed and vicious that day. He scared me, Remus, and then he tried to give me an ultimatum. Severus loves Harry so much! You should see the two of them together!” she said as she forced a laugh. “They are so adorable.”

Remus smiled weakly. “Lily, what if there were no Harry?”

Lily’s green eyes darted from him to her son in fear.

“No, Lily,” he said reassuringly as he patted her hand. “What I mean is, what if you and James never had Harry and then all this happened. Severus protecting you, making sure you were safe from Sirius and any other Death Eater that wanted to hurt you. What if, now that the threat is over, you were just a young, single widow without a child? Would you still be with Severus?”

She looked down at her lap and crossed her arms across her chest. She felt like a whore. She had given her body to a man in exchange for safety and justified it by pushing it all off on her son. She was overcome with anger, shame, and self-contempt. She couldn’t face herself, let alone face them. She grabbed Harry and ran out of the hut towards the castle—back to Severus. She had chosen this life. She had to see it through.