Silence

Huge thanks to my wonderful, anonymous beta! Please review, I'm addicted to reviews! I also want to say that I have appreciated

all the reviews I've received, and I know many of you have expressed your sadness and concern over Lily's suicide. I promise that Severus will have his day! In the meantime, Lupin will continue to be a stabilizing force and a voice of reason in Snape's life. Snape will also find love again, and Harry will find out the truth about his relationship with Snape. I hope you will keep on with the story and see it through!

Chapter 10 – Silence

If you could read my mind love

"If You Could Read My Mind" by Gordon Lightfoot

June, 1982

Dumbledore had his hands full. Making those who had known the truth about Lily's death take Wizard Oaths and discreetly handling Lily's burial under a headstone that already bore the date of her birth and death...October 31st, 1981...without Muggles or the Ministry detecting was a major feat.

In the end, all had been accomplished. From Minerva down to Sirius Black, whom Dumbledore had to visit in Azkaban to secure his oath, everyone who had ever known that Lily Potter had not died that night in 1981 had sworn an oath on pain of death to never speak of the seven months she had lived with Severus Snape. There were two stipulations. First, Severus Snape was the only one who could break the silence, and second, the moment Harry became an adult, the oath would become void. Even the Dursleys, Lily's sister's family, had been ordered strictly to never mention that he had been brought to their door other than November 1st, 1981.

Petunia and Vernon Dursley had not known of Lily's life after Voldemort's attack. The night Dumbledore arrived with little Harry Potter, asleep in his arms, all they had been told was that Lily had died along with her husband, James Potter, and the people who had known them had been caring for him. Dumbledore had taken care of that right after Lily came to Hogwarts. Many sophisticated Memory Charms had been completed. Neighbors, friends, co-workers, and family members of the Dursleys had to have their memories modified to make the illusion complete.

The night of the burial, only Dumbledore, Minerva, and Severus stood by the graveside surrounded by extensive enchantments to hide their purpose. Snape watched numbly as Lily's body was lowered into the ground. He thought about how lovely the June evening was. There was a light breeze blowing that summer night, and all around were signs of life and beauty. It was such a stark contrast to the grave in front of him. He mused how he should be feeling pain, sorrow, or grief for his lost Lily. However, all he could think about was his son and if he was all right...

November, 1991

Severus Snape burst through the headmaster's office and strode to his desk.

"That boy is the most, inept, conceited, ill-mannered child!" he swore.

Albus sighed. "What has the boy done now, Severus?"

Snape began to pace up and down the floor, his black robes swirling around him as he walked. "It's not one thing, it's his entire demeanor! It's as if nothing of his mother was ever passed to him! He is hopeless at Potions, obsessed with Quidditch...he's just like his father!" he spat bitterly.

He sat down hard into a chair in front of Albus' desk. He was so angry! He had begged Albus to eradicate from his mind the seven months he had with Lily and Harry. He had even pleaded for Albus to Obliviate him, but the wizard had refused. Therefore, he had continued to live with his anguish.

Seeing Harry always brought mixed feelings. He could see so easily the little toddler he had loved. He could still remember how natural it had felt to have him sit on his knee while he graded papers at his desk. Now, Severus sat alone and had nothing to show for all the love he had given. He had refused Minerva to transfigure back the rooms she had created for Lily and Harry all those years ago. He had kept the rocking chair and many a sleepless nights he sat and rocked as he cried over the memories.

Pictures of little Harry came and went through his head. He could still remember how he had held him during one night when he had been sick with colic and a bad cold. He had laid the boy to sleep on the incline of his pale chest after rubbing him down with oils to help him breathe and ease the pain. He had insisted Lily sleep while he cared for Harry...his boy. Harry had been his...HIS...and he had been stolen from him!

Now, when the boy looked at him, it was with anger and hatred. He couldn't blame him. He treated him poorly, was unfair, mean, and cruel. He didn't want to be. He wanted nothing more than to take the boy in his arms and tell him all about how he had loved him and his mother. He wanted Harry to know how when he had called him "Daddy," it made him feel like he had been the luckiest wizard alive. Every time he thought he would just do it, he would think about how Harry would ask about his mother. Why had he been lied to about her death? How had she died? Why did she kill herself?

"Why did my mum kill herself?"

He could hear the eleven-year-old's voice clear as a bell asking that dreadful question.

"Well, she committed suicide because she could no longer bear fucking me."

Oh, if only he had resisted her the night she'd come to his bed wanting to make love! He should have insisted she stay in her bed. He never should have made love to her that first time. Now he wondered if she'd ever meant any of it. Had she ever loved him? Each time she had gasped his name as she had climaxed, had she meant it, or had she had to make a conscious effort to not say James' name?

***

As time passed, Severus began to wonder if he would ever know the love of a woman who wanted him more than anyone. Perhaps he wasn't good enough or worth it. He grew to become even more sensitive about his lack of good looks and sank deeper into the image he believed Lily had felt about him. Once in a great while, he would go find a willing whore and find release. He had only one condition: she must be ugly. He would never approach a comely prostitute. He had experienced heaven itself with the most beautiful witch in all creation, and she had rejected him in such a way that he could only see the blame within himself. He would never let the whore see his face as he fucked; he would only take her from behind. He was callous and cold with his fucking, but he didn't care. He paid good money to feel a warm cunt around his cock. Period. The kind of love he had felt for Lily didn't exist anymore...not for him at least. There had been a couple of women since Lily who had shown interest, but he had looked at them as if they were filth. They were likely trash or insane; otherwise, they never would have given him a second look.

***

Harry's second year was more upsetting than the first. The entire year was full of near misses, petrified students, and a basilisk on the loose. It had begun with the boy crashing a Ford Angelica into the Whomping Willow, very nearly killing himself, and ended with a near-death experience when he'd gone into the Chamber of Secrets in order to save Ginny Weasley from the Dark Lord's soul, encased in a leather bound diary. Severus had thought that year would be the death of him. He resented how the young boy kept getting into more and more trouble. Severus did what he could to keep him safe. Many times Severus had just wanted to rage at the boy wizard and tell him that he meant too much to keep acting recklessly! He'd been so happy when that school year was over. Little did Snape know that the following year would be even worse!

***

Harry's third year came round and with it came Remus Lupin. Snape was beyond himself. He roared his displeasure at the sight of the werewolf that summer before the term began. Albus had wanted both Lupin and Snape to be aware of each other's presence before the students arrived.

"I want it clear, gentlemen, that I will not put up with any deviant behavior. That means no wizard dueling, no bringing up sensitive information in front of the students, and absolutely NO talking to Harry about the past that he does not already know. Remember your oaths! Now, I would appreciate it if the two of you would discuss your mutual armistice in private and let me know the terms as soon as you are able. The deadline is September 1st. You are both dismissed."

That was that. The wizards swept from the room, and Snape turned and walked away from Lupin with not so much as a glance his way. Lupin sighed and followed the dark wizard to his dungeons.

Snape knew he was being trailed. Once he reached his dungeons, he whirled upon the werewolf.

"You must really want to make a name for yourself, Lupin. The shortest time any DADA professor has stayed on at Hogwarts! I could accommodate you and end it here!" he sneered.

"Severus, please, let's not be dramatic! We need to talk. We both know it's important to Harry that you and I at least be civil in public," he reasoned.

"I'm not the one with the problem of acting like an animal!" he spat petulantly.

"Severus," he warned. "You and I both know how much Lily wanted us to get along. Is this still about our school days? Or are you just afraid I'm going to blame you for Lily's death?"

"How dare you!" he bellowed. "Don't you EVER speak to me about Lily! You have absolutely NO IDEA of what I went through or what we had together!"

"Severus," Lupin began softly, "I made a Wizard's Oath to never speak to Harry about you and Lily. As far as Harry will know from me, Lily died with James in Godric's Hollow. Nevertheless, Severus, the fact remains that I still know the truth. You loved her. I know you loved her with everything within you. You were honorable and kind to Lily and to Harry. I may have not have had the honor of seeing the three of you together, but Hagrid and Albus told me about how happy you were. You had a family, Severus. I cannot imagine how painful it must have been to have had that family ripped from your arms."

He paused and waited for a reaction from Snape. He had his back to him and saw a twitch in his shoulder. He decided to continue.

"Severus, I would like for us to come to an understanding. I shall go my way and not interfere, and I shall expect the same from you. Perhaps one day, you and I will be able to sit down as friends, or at least as people who can both say, 'I remember when...'"

He turned to walk away, and Snape stopped him.

"Lupin, I shall be brewing Wolfsbane for you. If you are going to darken my days, I at least would like to feel reasonably safe. I shall bring it to you when it is required."

Lupin grinned and gave a slight bow to the Potions master. "I am deeply grateful, Severus." He then turned and walked back up the stairs with a wide smile on his face. He knew that he had just received Severus' terms to the armistice Dumbledore was awaiting.