The Small Questions

Author's Note: Huge thanks to my wonderful, anonymous beta! Please review, I'm addicted to reviews!

Chapter 22 – The Small Questions

The next month was the oddest time ever in the history of Hogwarts since Severus Snape came on as a professor. Students were confused left, right, and center. The angry, sardonic, mean wizard everyone loathed was nothing more than a sad, tired, weary man. He rarely spoke to anyone, and his classes were a mess. He just didn't seem to care anymore. He would start a lecture, and then his eyes would glaze over and stare into nothing. He remained entranced as students whispered nervously amongst themselves. At other times, he'd start lecturing again or assign the top student in the class to take over whilst he sat brooding at his desk.

Hermione was very worried about Professor Snape. He never looked at her, nor would he allow her to help him with his work. He would tell her from behind the warded lab door to slip her notes underneath the door, and he would peruse them at his leisure. Each time she saw him, she sighed inside with longing. She couldn't get the image out of her mind as he descended on her and took her mouth so passionately. She didn't know what she was going to do.

***

"Wotcher, Harry!" said Tonks as she saw the young man walk by her desk at the Auror Department.

He stopped and said, "Hullo, Tonks, what's goin' on?"

"Nothing much. Mum's happy as can be watching Teddy for me. She reckons it's the best gig a grandmum can have, watchin' her grandson!" she replied.

"Harry, can I talk to you for a minute? It's not work related, but I feel I need to say this."

Harry's face turned hard. "Look, if this is about Snape...save it! I've tried. He's a nutter! He won't answer one question...a question I reckon I have the right to know!" he retorted angrily.

"I'm not blamin' you, mate!" she agreed. "It's bang out of order that he won't tell you...that is if he even knows the answer."

Harry looked into her eyes completely confused.

"Harry, have you even considered the possibility that perhaps Snape doesn't know why your mum...you know?" she asked quietly.

"How could he NOT know? How could we have been a happy family one day and then my mum's dead the next...by her own hand!"

"Harry," she began as she stood and placed a hand on his shoulder, "I care about you. But, the fact is that you seem to have everything all sorted out in your mind without all the facts. Have you even talked to Remus? Hagrid? Minerva? What about going to talk to Dumbledore's portrait?" she offered.

"You see, Harry, everyone seems to know the small answers, but no one really knows the big picture unless everyone who knew about them puts their encounters, interactions, and things they saw and heard into the mix. Then, perhaps when you get enough of the smaller questions answered, you won't need to ask Snape the big question after all. Look at it objectively. It's basically what an Auror does."

Harry was quiet and then said, "All right, Tonks."

"Good for you, Harry!" she said as she clapped him on the back. "Alright, back to work!"

***

Harry stood outside Hagrid's massive hut. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. There was no going back now. He was finally going to get the answers he needed.

He sat and talked with his old friend over tea. Hagrid cried a lot as he told the story of how he, Sirius, and Lily surprised him by their arrival by Portkey. He told him about how scared they all had been during those first weeks.

"Wha' is hard, Harry, is tha' yer mum, well, she wanted a good home fer yeh. She was jus' heart-broke when yer dad died. Jus' heart-broke! Now, Snape's not an easy wizard ter know. Yeh kno' tha'! But, the man you kno' today isn't the man he was back then! Oh, no!"

Hagrid settled back and patted Fang as his beetle-black eyes glazed over. He had a wistful look on his face, and Harry couldn't help but be intrigued by the half-giant's calmness.

"Hagrid," he called. "What are you thinking about?"

"Oh, sorry 'bout tha'!" he said sheepishly. "I got caught there in the past! Those were good days, Harry. Good days. I went wi' Snape ter get the annual Christmas tree, like I'd always done. He cut down a littlun' fer yeh and yer mum fer yer place. I always liked yer mum, Harry. She was a very kind witch. I s'pose I needed ter kno' tha' she was a 'right. I asked Snape how things were an' his face was so happy! He loved yer mum so much. As much as any wizard had ever loved a witch, I reckon! He had the same look yer dad would get when yer mum would come inter a room." His face grew sad, and he pulled out his table-clothed handkerchief as huge, thick tears streamed down his face.

"I-I'm s-sorry, Harry. It was jus' so sad! Poor Snape, he was jus' distraugh' over losin' yer mum! He came ter me after Dumbledore took yeh ter the Dursleys. Dumbledore and McGonagall thought he'd off himself, he was so upset! He cried an' cried sayin', 'They took my boy! He was all I had left of Lily. They had no right! He was my son!'"

Hagrid blew his nose. "Ah, well, it was all said and done, nuthin' no one could do."

Harry tried hard to envision a heart-broken Snape crying over him and came up short.

"Hagrid, did Snape really love me, or was it that he just loved my mum?" he asked.

Hagrid shook his head violently. "No, Harry! Don' you ever think otherwise! I saw the three of yeh together. You were a right, han'some family! Snape was beamin' ear-ter-ear all the time...ear-ter-ear smiles! He held yeh all the time! Now yeh kno' why I was so sure he wasn't out ter kill yeh when the business was goin' on wi' the Sorcerer's Stone!"

Harry felt his cheeks were hot. "Did he really think of me as his boy, his son?"

"Really an' truly, Harry. He couldn't stop talkin' 'bout you! Said yeh were ter be the grea'est wizard ever! He figured since yeh had yer mum's smarts and his teachin', yeh were goin' to be a right thumpin' good one! An' he was right too!" he said smiling brightly.

This is too weird! Snape toting me around like I was special? Approving of me? Loving me? Harry thought.

"I don't understand, Hagrid. He always hated that I was..." He stopped short.

Hagrid was concerned. "Wha' is it, Harry?"

Harry realized he might have found the source why Snape never liked him. "I wasn't like him and my mum. I was just like my dad. That's what he always said, 'You're just like your father!' I was terrible at Potions and loved Quidditch. It must have felt like everything he did was for nothing!" he said, disappointed in himself.

"Hagrid, did my mum love Snape?" he asked nervously.

Hagrid tugged at his handkerchief. "Harry, I don' kno'. I kno' she would look at Snape holdin' yeh and her eyes would sparkle. She loved how he loved yeh, Harry. She also didn't mind him holdin' her hand, or puttin' his arm 'round her. She would sit wi' him an' settle right in next to him an' they looked happy, close together. I remember thinkin' to meself that 'it's good ter kno' Harry will have himself a dad!' You know he taught yer to use the toilet, did yeh?" he said with a huge grin.

Harry turned beet red. "Yes, I remember being told that, once," he muttered.

"Proud as punch, he was! Jus' like a dad. Thought yeh were the smar'est boy in the whole world when yer finished yer toilet trainin'!"

Harry felt that revelation signaled a great time to end the conversation. "Well, thanks Hagrid. I'll let you know if I need anymore information." He turned to leave when Hagrid stopped him suddenly.

"Um, Harry," Hagrid said nervously. "There's jus' one thing, bu' yeh'd be wantin' ter speak ter Professor Lupin 'bout tha'. It was when he firs' saw yeh and yer mum...after. They had words. She left upset, I think it was abou' Snape."

Harry looked concerned. He felt Hagrid was withholding more than he let on, but it wouldn't be right for him to say. Harry would have to speak with Remus next.

"Thanks, Hagrid. It was great to see you!"

***

Remus let out a big sigh when he opened his office door to find Harry on the other side.

"Well, Harry, I have to say I'm glad to see you here finally. It has weighed heavy on me knowing how we parted last," he confessed.

"I'm sorry, Remus," Harry apologized. "I was out of line. I wasn't myself. I should never have said what I did about my mum. I have a lot of questions. I really need to know what you know. I just came from Hagrid's. He said you and my mum had words about Snape when you first saw her after my dad died."

"Ah, yes," Lupin said ruefully as he clasped his hands together on the top of his desk. "I believe I hit a sore spot with Lily that offended her. But, before I tell you about our conversation, Harry, I need you to understand the frame of mind we were all were in...especially your mother's. Lily was terrified...we all were. At first, no one knew how Voldemort had found them, and then when we were led to believe Sirius had betrayed them, it was almost too much for your mother to bear.

"You see, Harry, your parents were the core of the Order. They were the heart and soul. So many times, they had battled Death Eaters together and always survived. It was amazing how much damage they did to thwart Voldemort. That was why they were marked for death. Even before the Prophecy, Voldemort wanted James and Lily dead because they had 'defied' him. Therefore, when they kept turning up alive, again and again, it was as if James and Lily could never die! Then when it happened, it was a crushing defeat for the Order. Harry, it was a good thing Voldemort was stopped that night. I don't think the Order could have survived such a blow.

"Anyway, I learned much later that Severus had been spying for Dumbledore, before he ever set foot in Hogwarts. He, in his way, helped James and Lily escape numerous times. Severus inadvertently saved your mother's and father's lives, Harry. I'm sure he resented it, knowing later it had been his work that led James to a victory, but he continued to work as a spy because he loved Lily that much. That was the man your mother came to see when she came back here, devastated, scared, and frightened. There was Severus, so loving, giving, and kind. I never saw you all together, I told you that before, but there was no doubt of their mutual fondness.

"When I saw you and your mother the first time after your dad's murder, she was reasonably contented, settled, and happy to see me. I could tell she had many concerns and questions. I admit, Harry, I bungled the conversation badly. I went straight to the issue I was concerned with, not thinking about what Lily was trying to process. I told her Severus loved you because he loved her. Then she got angry and told me not to judge her. I told her I didn't, but it was a lie. I did judge her. I judged her, and I judged Severus' motives. God help me, but I did. And I fear I may have caused Lily more pain than she'd already been feeling." He lowered his head in shame before his friend's son.

Harry swallowed and then whispered, "What did you say?"

Remus lifted his bowed head and said sadly, "I told her not to live a lie. I asked her if there had never been a Harry, if she and James had never had you, and she was just a young, single, widow on the run, would she still be living with Severus? Well, she grabbed you, ran out of Hagrid's hut, and didn't look back. I feared she hadn't wanted to admit the truth."

"What was the truth, Remus?" Harry whispered, his voice strained, his head bent low, so Remus couldn't see his face.

"I think the answer was 'no', Harry," he said softly.

Harry's head snapped up, his eyes were flashing in anger. "So, she did use him. He loved her and me, and she lied to him!" he blurted out angrily.

Remus looked up into Harry's face. The young man was crying. Remus gazed into his green eyes and saw Lily staring back at him. However, the tears Harry was shedding were for Snape.

"Harry?" he called out to him.

Harry's eyes were glazed over. "All these years he wanted me. He told me, and I pushed him away. I think I understand now. She didn't love him like she said...like she acted. Hagrid told me how she let him hold her hand, put his arm around her. She led him to believe...why? How could she have been so cruel?"

"Harry," Remus said emotionally. "I think she tried. I think she wanted to love him so much that she did everything she could to make it happen. She came to him and offered herself as a gift for his kindness, and he refused to take advantage. After Sirius came in and caused that scene, scaring her, and angering Severus, she was terrified. Albus told me how she reacted when he gave them the news of Sirius' attack on Pettigrew and how he had killed all those Muggles. He said she fell to pieces. She literally curled into Severus' lap, and he held her. Severus told me it was soon after that she started slipping into bed with him. They would talk about the old days when they were children, just kids, laughing and enjoying the friendship they had lost but regained. Then she told him she wanted to make love to the man who loved her, who loved her son, and who had loved her for almost all her life."

Harry was silent. He didn't know what to say, or what even to feel. "So, my mum wanted to love Snape. She wanted us to be a family."

"Yes, Harry," Remus said relieved. "She wanted it to fit because it was all so right. But I think now, you're going to have to speak with Minerva. There may be things she might have said from a woman's perspective that she could only share with another woman. I don't know how much Minerva would be comfortable telling you, but I think it would be worth the chance, especially if you are really searching for a well-rounded perspective of things."

"Thanks, Remus," Harry said as he stood up to leave.

"Harry, now that you've spoken with me and Hagrid, how do you feel about Severus?" he asked softly.

Harry's breath caught in his chest, and Lupin could see he was struggling with his emotions. "I feel I lost something that was special. I feel I lost another father. Another father..." he murmured as he walked out the door.

***

"Harry Potter!" Headmistress McGonagall exclaimed as she greeted her former student and one of her own cubs.

Harry nervously sat down next to the Headmistress on her couch.

"Potter, you can call me Minerva. Would you like for me to call you Potter or Harry?" she asked politely.

"Potter. It makes me feel safe somehow. When you called me Harry, it was always attached to bad news. 'Potter' made me feel everything was normal, even if I was in trouble, I knew you cared," he admitted shyly.

Minerva smiled as she poured them tea. "Well, Potter, it has been going round the gossip mill that you've been asking questions about your life here as a baby."

"I've spoken with Hagrid and Remus. I did speak with Snape when he was in hospital, but he was very sick, and my questions upset him. He had to be sedated when I asked him why my mum killed herself. I'm trying to retrieve all the information I can so I can figure out what was real and what was a lie. I hope you can help me," he asked expectantly.

Minerva gave a slight smile. "I can, Potter, although you may not want to hear what I have to say," she said softly as she handed him a cup of tea.

"I am ready for anything, Minerva," he replied confidently. "I know my mum had an active sexual relationship with Snape, and she chose to be with him. I know he did not force or coerce her. I'm ready to hear whatever you have to say," he declared.

Minerva summoned a bottle of scotch and two tumbler glasses. She poured them both a hefty amount and ordered him to drink.

"Put down your tea, Potter. I think this will go down better after you've had a wee dram of the demon liquor," she joked dryly.

He sipped slowly, enjoying the silence as long as he could. He was nervous. It was hard enough knowing his mother had lived with another man as she had with his own father. What made it worse was that man had been Snape. Nevertheless, he was getting used to the reality of Snape loving his mum. He had been good to her. That made it bearable. Hell, it even redeemed the old bastard in his eyes a little.

Minerva began her story. "Potter, your mother lived with a lot of guilt. She had a very active sex life with Severus...and if you ever tell him what I am about to reveal, may God help you, because I won't be able to!" she warned.

"Your mother came to Severus' bed after the incident with Sirius Black and asked him to make love to her. She had offered herself once before, out of obligation, which, to his credit, he had refused. But this time was different. She told Severus she was physically attracted to him. That is a truthful statement. She wanted to be with him sexually. Are you alright, Potter?"

He gulped down more scotch. "Go ahead, still hanging on," he said wryly.

"Severus worshiped your mother, and he adored you. He was a doting family man. Lily was swept off her feet with his passion and ardor for her and his care and gentle way with you. She enjoyed their physical relationship very much. Yet, her love remained with your father. God save her, she lied to him and confessed to me often how wretched she felt about it all! That's the truth of it, Potter. She lied to him when she told him she loved him, but at the same time she enjoyed how he made her feel, and not just in bed. She enjoyed how safe he made her feel as well. Then, as time passed, she felt it would have been selfish to take you away from a man you had begun to call "daddy."

"What!" Harry exclaimed.

Minerva looked at him sharply. "Oh, yes, Potter. Severus was 'daddy' to you after some time had passed. She couldn't take you from another father when Voldemort had already taken James, and Sirius had betrayed them. She felt she owed you a family. So, she decided it was better to be with a man who adored and loved her and her child, who gave her physical passion, and prayed her heart would soften and change to truly love him. If it is any conciliation, Harry, I think in time she would have fallen in love with Severus."

"Then why did she kill herself?" Harry fairly shouted in frustration. "I keep getting answers, but I feel no closer to the truth than before! It's even now more confusing! What am I going to do? Snape won't talk to me about it. He gets far too angry if I do. I give up!" he muttered despairingly, throwing up his hands in resignation.

Minerva turned and gripped his shoulders firmly with her thin hands. "Don't you give up, Potter! Don't you dare! That man loves you as if you were his own flesh and blood! He's devastated and heart-broken, thinking he's lost you forever. Don't give up, Harry, please!" Her be-speckled eyes pleaded in a way her words could not. It was very disturbing to the young wizard.

"Harry?" a deep voice sounded from across the room.

Harry and Minerva turned to face Dumbledore's Portrait.

"Sir! Have you been listening?" asked Harry incredulously.

"Yes, my boy, I have. Taking you away from Severus was one of the many wrongs I committed against him. I have so many regrets where Severus is concerned. To me, he was like my own son. I lost him Harry. He remained faithful to his promises out of his love for you and your mother, but the day I forced him to teach you Occlumency was the 'beginning of the end,' as it were."

Harry couldn't bring himself to think about that terrible day Snape had thrown him out of his office after finding him peeking in his Pensieve without permission. "Sir, can you tell me why my mum killed herself?" he asked desperately.

"I don't know the answer any more than I believe Severus does. I do know that Lily was sad most of the time. I think her sadness came from the fact she was not being completely true to herself, although, she had made the decision to remain with Severus and be his wife one day. She told me this, Harry, not one week before her death. I fear something must have happened that pushed her over the edge or cornered her into feeling it would be better for you to not have her in your life."

Harry felt bothered by this assessment of his mother's mental state. What a mess! he thought tiredly.

Dumbledore continued. "You see, Harry, Severus feels it was him. He thinks she killed herself because he was so very bad, and she was so very good. He said that night, 'She chose death rather than to suffer my touch.'"

Harry nodded. "Professor Lupin told me the same thing," he said sadly.

"Ah, Remus has been a source of great comfort for Severus these past years. A true friendship has sprung between them, and I am grateful that Remus is such a noble and caring soul. Unfortunately, he only knows what Severus believes to be true. And Harry, Severus believes he is responsible for your mother's death. He feels that his sexual desire for her trapped her, and the only way out for her was death. Now, Severus believes he is unworthy of any kind of love and respectable companionship. He is very confused. Lily told him she loved him, which was not true. Although, I don't think she said it with malicious intent, the damage to Severus was devastating. She wanted it to be true so badly, she thought lying about it wouldn't be so terrible. After all, she held fast to the belief one day she would learn to love him," he finished regretfully.

"Fake it till you make it," Harry muttered.

"What?" questioned Dumbledore.

"It's a Muggle saying. ' Fake it till you make it.' Pretend something is real until it becomes real."

"That's very accurate of what I think Lily was trying to accomplish. Harry, you are going to have to go back to Severus for your answers. I think the answer lies in the note she left for him and also what occurred that night," he stated plainly.

"Did you read the note, sir?" Harry asked.

"Yes, I did. It was short and to the point. It was all about you. She asked Severus not to hate her, that she had to do this for you, Harry. She also asked him to raise you and care for you. She mentioned that they had dreams for you. Severus told me he was going to make sure you would grow to be as powerful a wizard as Salazar Slytherin himself! That was frightening, Harry. I knew Severus' intentions were pure, but he fights the call of the Dark. It has always been hard for him to resist. I feared for your safety, for his influence on you. I needed you to stay away, Harry, during those young formative years, so that you would not become another Dark Lord. It would have been so easy for Severus to slip back into that trap again."

Harry couldn't process that right now. "Sir, you say something must have occurred the night my mum killed herself."

"Yes, Harry, I do," he said honestly.

"Do you know the events of the day? Where she went, or anything?"

"Well, your mother went nowhere, Harry. Severus was terrified that Lucius Malfoy would try to kill her if it were known she was alive. He, in fact, the night your mother committed suicide, went on a reconnaissance mission to see how Malfoy was doing, if his allegiance was still with rebuilding Tom's world. You see, those days, we feared Lucius Malfoy would rise up to become another Dark Lord. You remember how it was when you first came to Hogwarts. He had immense power over the Ministry and the Board of Governors. At the height of his power, he had Fudge in his pocket. However, by that time, Tom had returned, and Lucius was not the principal threat anymore. But before Tom's return, Lucius Malfoy was a man to be watchful of and taken seriously," he said darkly.

"So, the night my mum killed herself, he was out at the Malfoys'?" Harry asked.

"Yes. Lily knew about Severus' work as a spy. She hated it, but understood he had to pretend to be a Death Eater."

Things started to come together in Harry's head. "There must have been something said," Harry surmised.

"Ah, Harry, for that you will have to go back to Severus," the former headmaster's portrait said sadly.

"I don't think he's ready to face me again, sir," Harry said doubtfully.

"Then there is only one person you can go to now, Harry."

"Who?"

"Lucius Malfoy."