Learning

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Chapter 24 – Learning

"You know it was this same couch where I held you when you were so sick with a terrible cold and colic," Snape said softly as he sat with Harry in front of the fire.

He and Harry were sitting comfortably, side by side, in his sitting room. After they had embraced, the two men didn't know what to do. Sitting and having a drink seemed in order.

"What did you do?" Harry whispered as he looked at him in awe.

Snape's eyes glazed over, and his face brightened as he reminisced. "I told your mother to get on to bed, she was worn out. I rubbed your little chest down with oils to help you breathe, gave you a potion to ease the colic, and I placed you right here on my bare chest," He patted his chest with his hand. "You snuggled right up and slept. I remember rubbing your back and kissing your head. You were a good baby, Harry. The seven months I had with you and your mother were the happiest of my life," he said, remembering fondly.

Harry looked at his new dad and said, "Tell me about her. What was she like?"

Snape sighed. "Your mother was an angel. She was beautiful. She had a smile that could make everything okay again. She loved to play with you." He pointed to the rug in front of them. "She would sit on that rug in front of the fire and play with you for hours. She would talk, sing, and read to you. She had a lovely voice that was so soothing, and you responded so well to her. You and I would just stare at her in awe. She used to tease me and tell me I was a terrible influence on you. She'd say, 'How will Harry ever to find a good witch of his own if he loves me so much?'"

Harry laughed. Snape smiled. Harry liked his smile; it made his face seem more likeable. "You have her laugh, you know," Snape confided. "So infectious...so carefree. You are more like her than you think, Harry."

"Professor Lupin said something like that to me once," he said quietly as he watched his hands roll his glass of firewhisky between them.

Snape turned sharply, making Harry lift his face to look his newly acquired dad in the eye. "Your mother wanted a future for you, Harry," he said in his normal serious tone. "She wanted you to be happy. Find a good witch and give your mother grandbabies. She wanted you to be whatever would make you happy with your life. It is immaterial what you chose for a living," he said urgently. "Just be happy!" It sounded more like him...a command. Harry almost laughed, but Snape wasn't done.

"I know Miss Weasley is the one for you. Don't let her slip away," he said tenderly.

"I won't," Harry whispered. "I promise."

Severus cleared his throat. He was becoming choked up. He sat back and stared into the fire, leaning his head onto one hand.

Harry sensed his unease and said, "It's so strange! I was so sure you hated me with a passion."

"No, Harry," he replied, still gazing into the fire. "I would at times become frustrated, angry, annoyed, irritated, and just plain brassed off at the stunts you pulled over the years. What was uppermost in my head was trying to make sure you didn't accidentally kill yourself with your own stupidity!" he said harshly. He sighed, looked at him and said, "It's hard when you take on the responsibility of being a parent. Your mother's dying wish was for me to raise you. I was not able, but I had you in my sights for six years. Not a day passed that I did not fear for you, pray for you, and, yes, even love you.

"At times, in the beginning, I hated that an eleven-year-old could make me feel so vulnerable. I know I was cruel when I had no reason to be. I know that I could have shown you more care. I just didn't know how. I only knew what my own father had been like. He was a hard man, and he wanted me to be tough so no one would take advantage of me. He demanded I do well in school and approved of my learning Dark magic. He, being a Muggle, couldn't believe the kind of power that a wizard could possess. He would look through the books my mother had from her father on the Dark Arts, and he would tell me, 'Learn this, boy! You don't have the brawn to fight like a man, well, by God, you'll learn to fight like a wizard. You will beat them all at their own game if anyone tries to hurt you!'"

Harry was listening with wide-open eyes. Here were the answers to the motives and reasons behind the wizard who was Severus Snape. Harry had always wondered why he was so stern all the time. He knew it couldn't have been just his existence!

"For a Muggle, my father accepted magic rather well. The darker my knowledge grew, the more impressed he became with me. The ability to be cruel and cold meant being a real man. He knew he wasn't an intelligent man, so he demanded that I learn to speak like 'a gentleman,' he called it. He would thrash me horribly when I did not perform or learn my lessons fast enough. Complaining just got me another thrashing. He said that in the real world, people weren't patient or kind. The real world was hard and cold. Men and women alike were vicious and cutthroat. So, he said he was being the best father he could be by being cruel so I would be tough enough to be a real man in a man's world. He always said, 'Wizard or no, it's still a man's world when you get down to it, my lad!'

"I decided you had enough people to give you hugs and tell you that you were special and loved. I wanted to give you something important, so I gave you what I thought would be the greatest gift I could give: the gift of being a man in a man's world. I knew you were going to have to kill the Dark Lord. I wanted you to be prepared. I knew I couldn't come close, even on my worst day of being nasty and sadistic, to the level of sadism the Dark Lord possessed. Yet, I had to do it. I had to viciously push you...even if there were times I just wanted to...tell you how I really felt," he mumbled at the end uncomfortably.

Harry felt a surge of compassion and connection towards the dark wizard, but he didn't know how to voice it, or if he would be cut down verbally if he tried.

"What about you, sir? You want me to be happy, what about you? Wasn't there another witch over the years that you cared about?" he asked carefully.

"No," he said flatly. "Your mother's memory was enough for me. I never wanted anyone else, however..." He trailed off.

"Yes?" Harry asked.

"Nothing, Harry. I am trying to understand all of this. Lately, many things have been changing. So, do you think you have your questions answered about your mother?"

Harry nodded sadly. "I think from what you told me, that my mum knew she couldn't give me the future she wanted me to have as long as she was alive. I mean, we'll never know for sure, but I do know that it didn't have anything to do with you, sir. From what I've been told, my mum did feel sad and guilty that she didn't have the same feelings for you that she still had for my dad, but I think she just didn't get it!"

"Get what?" Severus snapped.

"Love. I loved Cho. I know I did. Yet, things didn't work out. Then Ginny came along. I love her. I still have a part of me that still feels for Cho, and although she's dead, it'll always be there. That doesn't mean I love Ginny less, just different. I can't love Ginny like I loved Cho. Ginny isn't Cho. Some blokes try to get their women to be and act like a certain 'type' of woman and that's just wrong. So, of course my mum wouldn't love you like she loved my dad. You aren't my dad...James Potter. I think she did love you; she just still missed my dad and was still in a lot of pain and confusion. I reckon that's what pushed her to it. But she had nothing but the kindest and loving things to say about you, sir. I heard about them. Professor McGonagall said my mum confided in her about personal girl stuff, you know, feelings and such." Harry couldn't say what he wanted, that he knew for a fact his mum talked to McGonagall about her sex life with Snape.

Snape raised an eyebrow. He started muttering to himself. Harry strained to hear, but couldn't. Snape jumped up and poured himself another drink, tossing it back forcefully.

He turned around, his eyes glaring, boring into Harry's. The young wizard became edgy and raised his Occlumency walls. Snape scowled at him.

"Please! I have no inclination towards rummaging through your head!" he sneered.

Harry was angry. "Why do you have to be such a bastard?" he yelled.

Snape barked out a laugh. "Really, Potter, what did you expect me to do? Just sit back as you confess how you had a great laugh with Minerva about my most intimate moments with your mother?" he spat viciously.

"So, what did Lily say? That James was the best she'd ever had, and I was a pathetic replacement? I bet you loved that! The old greasy bat of the dungeons is also a terrible lover as well!" he demanded angrily.

"You know, you really are a git!" Harry yelled at him.

Harry went to the Floo and called for Professor McGonagall.

"Professor, it's Harry. Can you please step into Professor Snape's rooms please?"

A minute later, Minerva came in confused, looking between the two men.

Harry raised his hands and stepped back. "There is only so much reality I can handle, and my mum's sex life just doesn't fit. I suggest you direct your accusations towards Minerva and not me!" he yelled at Snape before turning swiftly and storming out.

Minerva watched the young wizard walk out angrily. Then, she turned around to Snape and with her eyes snapping, lit into him.

"What is going on, Severus? I sent a hopeful and reasonably calm young man down here! What happened?" she yelled.

Snape was still raging with fury. "Why don't you tell me, Minerva? It seems all the rage! First Lily, now Potter! How many blasted people need to know I'm a lousy fuck?"

Minerva narrowed her eyes. "You are a sorry fuck, Severus Snape, but from what Lily told me, not so much a lousy one!"

Snape froze. He was confused. "What?' he snapped.

She took a deep breath and shook her head in frustration as she sat down. "Lily was guilt-ridden because she was having such a great time in the sack! She was having such a great time, she even said you were a better lover than James!"

"Ah, yes! That old lie...she fed that one to me as well," he said smugly.

"For someone who prides himself on being right, you are sure dead set on remaining wrong!" the headmistress spat.

Snape threw his glass into the fireplace. "Why did she leave me? Why! She had to have been miserable with ME! I could have fixed anything else that was wrong!"

"Oh, really?" mocked Minerva. "You could just take care of all the rogue Death Eaters wandering the country? All by yourself? My, aren't we full of ourselves! Even Albus never fooled himself into believing he could do all things alone!"

Snape fell onto the couch and covered his face with his hands. "It's–it's not even about her anymore, Minerva," he whispered.

He looked so small and helpless, like the little boy she knew so long ago. She budged down next to him.

"Severus, what is it?" she asked with her hand on his back.

"I kissed Miss Granger," he whispered.

She sucked in her breath and closed her eyes. She knew Hermione loved Severus; she had just hoped nothing would come of it.

"Minerva, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid; I don't know what to do anymore. I feel I can't trust anything," he whispered brokenly.

"Severus," she said quietly. "Lily was a very wounded person. I think in a way she did use you, but not with malice in her heart. No, she wanted things to fit between you. She truly did."

"Potter said she killed herself because she thought she was hindering him from having a real future," he offered.

"That would make sense. Harry's future meant everything to her. She loved him. He is her son. Severus. You are going to have to accept that Lily's death had nothing to do with you, really. You were a good man to her, and she knew it. She appreciated you..."

Snape jumped up. "Damn it, Minerva! I don't want anyone's gratitude, pity, or their fucking appreciation! I want someone who will love me! Someone who wants to only be mine!" he howled desperately.

Minerva sat pale-faced and stricken in her heart. This was what it all came down to, she realized. Severus just wanted to be the love of someone's life, not to chase after a love that could be his only if he tried hard enough to earn it.

"Severus, why do you love Harry?" she asked.

"He's my son! The day I first held him, I just fell in love with him. He looked at me and was so happy and content and...I don't know, I just do!" he snapped.

"He was just a baby. He did nothing to earn that love, right?" she prodded.

"Right," he muttered.

"Then you see where forcing love can get you? Let Lily go, Severus. She never meant to hurt you, but it's apparent she did. And now you have a chance to have a real relationship with Harry. But you also need to face that there is right now a young woman in this very castle who considers you to be the love of her life!" she pleaded.

He turned sharply and gave her piercing glare.

Harry walked back in. "It's true, sir. I can't say I've approved, but it's real, and she's been hurting for a while now," he confessed.

Snape slowly walked over to the fireplace and cast a quiet "Reparo," and the broken tumbler glass flew together into one piece.

If only one could do that spell with a person's heart...