Chapter 19
Chapter 19 of 21
debjunkChapter 19
A stream of light shone through the window and straight into Severus' face. His eyes were closed, but that didn't keep him from squinting them shut even tighter. Turning over, he opened his eyes. It was morning already. Usually, the coming of morning for Severus Snape brought on an onslaught of bad feelings. This morning, however, he looked to the day with hope. His cathartic session with Hermione the day before had left him feeling lighter and more positive than he'd felt in an incredibly long time.
Getting up, he quickly showered and dressed, looking forward to what the day might bring. He was hoping to spend a little more time with Hermione today as it was Saturday and there were no classes. He thought that perhaps a walk into Hogsmeade for lunch might appeal to her.
Combing his hair, he looked at his appearance in the mirror. For the first time in a long while, he didn't loathe the sight of his own face. He didn't accuse himself of being the worst person alive. He just saw... well... himself. Of course, even if he didn't hate the person behind the reflection, he did know that he wasn't the most handsome man on the planet. Examining his features, he came to the conclusion that he looked as good as possible. He fully understood the flaws in his looks. His features were quite sharp and unflattering.
His light mood darkened a little. Hermione could never see him as someone she was attracted to. How could anyone ever be attracted to the face that stared back at him? He had a huge nose, stern eyes, and stringy hair. He rolled his eyes at himself. He wouldn't let his bad looks ruin his good mood. Pushing his insecurities aside, he headed out the door and toward the Great Hall.
Gliding down the stairs, he caught sight of Hermione on the floor below him. She was speaking with Ronald Weasley. Smiling brightly at the boy, she hugged him tightly to herself. Severus stopped where he was and watched as she pulled away from Weasley.
"Oh, Ron! I'm so happy!" she cried.
Weasley smiled. "Me, too."
"There's so much to do and plan."
"I know you'll do a bang-up job, Hermione."
"I'll stop by tomorrow so we can plan out everything. I'm sure Molly has a lot she wants to happen."
"You're so understanding, Hermione. Most women wouldn't want my mum meddling in the affair."
"I don't think anyone would be able to stop her," Hermione said with a giggle.
"Have I told you how much I love you?" Weasley asked.
Hermione chuckled and threw her arms around Weasley. "I love you, too, Ron, and I always will."
They hugged each other as Severus watched. His heart felt ill. He'd had a tiny bit of hope that Hermione might eventually feel something for him; however, it seemed she was involved with Weasley. He rushed down the stairs past the couple and hurried down to the Great Hall, his mind lost to the scene he'd just witnessed. It then ricocheted to the day before. Hermione had enveloped him in her arms, and he'd felt safe for the first time since his youth.
He scowled as he took his seat. How could he have thought that her concern could possibly be anything other than her desire to help every wounded creature on the planet? He was just her latest charity case. Bugger.
He slammed some oatmeal into his bowl and began to eat. Hermione soon settled herself into the seat next to him and said good morning.
"I wasn't expecting to see you at breakfast," Severus muttered.
"How come?" Hermione asked, her eyebrows raised.
"I saw Weasley with you a few minutes ago. I didn't think you would pull yourself away from him so quickly," Severus replied tersely.
Hermione looked at Severus curiously. "He just stopped by to ask me something."
Severus didn't want to know, but he couldn't help himself.
"What did he ask you?"
"He's marrying..."
Severus' heart clenched within him. "I guess congratulations are in order, then," Severus replied tartly, cutting off what Hermione was going to say. "When do the two of you tie the knot?"
Hermione moved her head slightly and eyed Severus with a perplexed gaze. "I am not the one Ronald is marrying, Severus."
Severus caught his breath. His head snapped toward Hermione as he looked her up and down. "I just thought..."
Hermione's head bent low, and she guffawed. "You should learn not to jump to conclusions, Severus. Just because you were a spy all your life doesn't mean you can divine the meaning of a conversation from just a few words."
Severus ignored her jibe and visibly sighed. "You're not marrying Weasley?"
Laughing, Hermione shook her head. "No! Oh, no! Lavender Brown is marrying Weasley. He asked me to help with planning the wedding."
Severus looked down into his oatmeal. He was silent for a little while. Hermione went back to her breakfast, leaving him to his thoughts. Finally, he spoke so quietly, Hermione almost missed it.
"I'm glad. He's not nearly good enough for you."
Hermione's heart leapt within her at his words. Maybe it wasn't so farfetched that he could be attracted to her after all. She closed her eyes at the thought. After yesterday, she hadn't been able to keep her mind off Severus. Even though he'd been a wreck, she'd reveled in his closeness, knowing that such an incident would not happen again. She'd wished, however, that such closeness could be something that happened often between them, and not because of such a torturous event.
Giving Severus a sideways glance, she noted he looked nervous. The man was a walking ball of insecurity. Maybe it was time she made her feelings known. If she waited for him to do something, she might very well die an old maid. She turned to speak with him just as he turned toward her.
"Hermione, I..."
"Severus, would..."
They both chuckled at the incident.
"What were you going to say, Hermione?"
"I was wondering if you'd like to go to Hogsmeade today. I wanted to buy a new quill. Maybe we can get lunch while we're there?"
Severus smirked contentedly. Hermione's eyebrows rose as she gave him a questioning look.
"I was just about to ask you the same thing," Severus explained.
A wide grin came over Hermione's face. "I'll meet you at eleven in the Entrance Hall."
"I'm looking forward to it," Severus acknowledged.
He seemed to realize what he said and quickly stared into his oatmeal, which he began to eat rapidly. Hermione grinned and went back to her own breakfast.
The outing had been enjoyable for both of them. They had gotten the few things each one needed, stopping at the quill shop and the apothecary. Neither was very hungry, so they had each gotten something light at the Three Broomsticks. Lunch conversation had centered on teaching techniques and dealing with children who only wanted to do the minimum possible to get by.
The two were now walking along the street, heading back towards Hogwarts. Severus stared off in the distance, quietly walking along, his thoughts very far away. Hermione walked silently beside him, she, too, seemingly engrossed in some faraway thought.
"Hermione?"
"Yes?"
"Would you mind accompanying me to the Shrieking Shack?" Severus asked.
"If you want me to, of course I will."
Severus reached out and took her hand for the first time that day. "I would appreciate your company."
Hermione smiled and followed along as he led the way to the place of his almost-death.
They continued to walk along quietly, side by side. Severus held Hermione's hand. The closer they got to the shack, the tighter his grip. He was unsure why he wanted to venture into the place where he'd almost died, but something was calling him there. They made their way along the path, through the fence, and over the grass until they were standing in front of the towering monstrosity of a building. Severus stopped and looked at the graying wood. It was falling apart in places. He wondered if it was even safe to enter.
Hermione's voice came from beside him. "We don't have to go in if you don't want."
Severus squared his shoulders. "No, I need to go in."
He went up to the door and pushed it open. They headed back to the room where Voldemort had struck him down. Severus resolutely looked around. His blood still stained the floor, although it had faded to a dull rust color. Memories of the snake's attack flooded his mind. He blanched as he saw Nagini coming at him, sinking her teeth into his neck, tearing him apart, and retreating back to her master.
Even though his memories of the event were quite vivid, he felt relief flood him. This was the place where he'd finally been set free. His killing of Albus a year prior had freed him from that old man's power. Ultimately, the attack upon his person had severed his ties to the Dark Lord. At that moment in time, Severus...although in excruciating pain...had been set free. A half-smile came across his lips as he realized that the shack and all that had happened there that night had been for his good.
He felt the hand that was still wrapped in his begin to shake. Glancing over at Hermione, he was shocked to note that tears were streaming down her face. Hermione withdrew her hand from his and buried her face in her hands, sobbing loudly. Her entire body was shaking with the force of her emotions. Severus placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Hermione, what is it?"
"Just seeing your blood on the floor," she sputtered through her hands. "It brings it all back as if it were happening right now."
Severus pulled her to him and surrounded her with his arms.
"It's over."
"Oh, Severus, I'm sorry!" Hermione cried as she buried her face in his robes. Her hands grasped them, and she gripped them forcefully. "I'm so sorry!"
Severus rubbed her back soothingly. "What do you have to be sorry for?"
"We... we just left you. We didn't know you were still alive! Severus, we just left you."
"Shh, it's all right. You couldn't have known."
Hermione pulled away from him and escaped from the room. She ran out of the shack, stopping outside the entrance. When Severus came upon her, she was still breathing heavily and tears were still coursing down her face.
He placed his hands on her arms and pulled her into him. "Hermione, don't do this to yourself."
"I was relieved," she whispered.
"What do you mean?" Severus asked as he turned her around.
She stared into his eyes for a time before answering. "When I saw you, dead on the floor, I was relieved. You'd killed Dumbledore and were dangerous. I was happy that one less Death Eater was a threat to us. You were lying dead on the floor in there, and all I could think of was that I wouldn't have to worry about you hexing me during the battle. How could I have been so callous? Severus..." She shook her head. "There's no excuse for the way I felt."
Severus shook her slightly. "Hermione, stop this."
"I knew... deep down I knew you were innocent, but I let what Harry saw influence me. By the time we'd come to the day of the battle, I had no feeling for you whatsoever. I was glad you were dead!"
She struggled to get out of his grasp. Severus shook her again. "Hermione, don't go down this road. You were supposed to think me a monster. You were supposed to think that I worked for the other side. You were supposed to rejoice at my fall!"
Hermione stopped struggling. She looked deep into Severus' eyes. Sadness came upon her face. "If I were half the witch I thought I was, I would have at least mourned your loss."
She finally pulled herself from his grip and turned. Hanging her head, she walked quickly away from him. Severus stared after her. He wasn't sure what to do. This woman who was berating herself for her past actions was the most compassionate woman he'd ever met. She'd gone out of her way to help him. She'd fought for his freedom while he was unconscious. She'd listened to him when he was feeling that the entire world hated him. Now she was filled with self-loathing for her own past. He understood those feelings. He was just getting over them himself. He needed to do something before she consumed herself with guilt and became like him. He ran to her and moved in front of her. Turning, he pulled her to him.
"You are to stop this immediately," he ordered.
"How can you even touch me?"
Severus stooped a bit so he could look directly into Hermione's eyes. "For the same reason you can touch me."
Hermione looked puzzled. "Why wouldn't I touch you?"
"Because of the things I've done, Hermione. Why would anyone want to touch me? Why would they want to associate with me? No one would, except for you. You are torturing yourself for something that was forced upon you. The circumstances of Dumbledore's death could only lead to one conclusion: that I was a cold-blooded murderer. Do not..." he looked directly into her eyes for emphasis. "Do not torture yourself more about it."
"I was glad..." she said weakly.
"So was I! I hoped to survive, but even if I hadn't, I was glad to have been attacked. It freed me from his power and influence."
"That's not why I was relieved."
"Hermione, I don't care. I don't care if you danced next to my body with happiness at the thought of my demise. Stop berating yourself for a natural response."
"Severus, I..."
"How have you treated me since you found out the truth?"
Hermione looked down and said nothing.
"You have been my advocate and friend, have you not?"
She nodded her head slightly.
"I could not ask for a truer friend. You told me that I needed to forgive myself yesterday. Well, I'm telling you the same. You have more than made up for the thoughts you had about me. Thoughts that, I'd like to remind you, were very valid given the circumstances."
Hermione looked at him searchingly. "You don't hate me?"
Severus gave a half laugh and pulled her into him. "Far from it," he admitted as his arms wrapped around her. "Now stop this before you hurt yourself. You are still not fully recovered from your heart condition."
He felt her relax and almost melt into him. "I'm sorry, Severus."
"You need not apologize. I hold nothing against you."
Her arms went around him then, and she buried her face in his robes. He stood silently, just holding her, letting her pull herself together. She gripped him as thoroughly as he'd gripped her the day before, and Severus marveled at her show of affection toward him.
How can such a wonderful woman be guilt-ridden like this? It was obvious to Severus that she need not berate herself in such a way. He knew that no one would fault her for her reactions. He wished he could wave his wand and make this guilt vanish.
You need to forgive yourself. Hermione's words to him came flooding to his mind. His eyebrows furrowed as he thought of their situations. Hermione was acting very much like him. He'd thought it impossible for anyone to accept the things he'd done. Maybe, like his view of her confessions, others didn't look upon what he'd done as harshly as he judged himself. Of course, he'd murdered someone; many people would never see past that one fact. However, could it be possible that some of them could look beyond his actions and see him as a whole? Could they see more than Severus saw himself? He'd buried himself in guilt for so long, letting it color everything he did, thinking that even the smallest good deed was greatly overshadowed by the horrific things he'd done. He'd been unable to see what others could; that he wasn't the sum of all his evil doings, but the sum of everything he'd done. The good he'd done had far outweighed the bad in his life, he'd just never taken the time to examine that good.
With this realization came further forgiveness on his part. With that forgiveness came the understanding that others could also forgive him. Hope filled him. Perhaps the happiness he sought was attainable in this life? The warm body in his arms attested to the fact that happiness was not out of his grasp.
Perhaps there could be something more between Hermione and him. Maybe she could grow to see him as more than just her friend. Severus held Hermione close and enjoyed the nearness of her. He would do anything to have her close to him like this always.
"Hermione," he whispered in her ear. "You are a wonderful witch. Don't berate yourself for being human. I care about you, and I don't want to see you so upset."
"I care about you too," came her muffled response. She pulled back and searched his face. "We should go," she said finally.
Severus wiped her tears away and gave a quick nod. Before either of them knew it, they'd composed themselves and were headed back to the castle. Severus held his hand out to Hermione, and she grasped it and held it firmly as they walked. It seemed as if she were afraid he would flee if she let go. He smirked to himself. Little did the witch know that he was growing incredibly fond of her. It would take much more than a few tears to drive him away.
A/N: Many thanks to slytherinlaurel for the beta work.
I think you guys were hoping for some kissy smoochie here. I was too, but things were a bit too intense in the emotions department. Severus is just coming to the realization that he's a worthwhile person. He'll soon be ready to do something about his growing feelings for Hermione. Of course, as you all can imagine, Hermione will be thrilled.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Recovery
266 Reviews | 7.63/10 Average
Wlonderful story I know I've read it before.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thanks! I think you have too, but if you're like me, after a while it's like a whole new read!
I haven't finished reading yet, but I am enjoying this so much I recced it on One_Bad_Man over on LJ.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
You so rock! Thank you!
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
You so rock! Thank you!
Enjoyed the story. Thanks for sharing.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thanks so much for reviewing. I'm glad you liked it. :)
Glad Kingsley did the right thing.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
He just needed some prodding. Hopefully, this will be a turning point for him as well.
Primal scream therapy can do wonders. And holding hands. Enjoying!
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
thanks.
Wow. He literally broke her heart.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Haha, I don't think I thought of it that way, but you're right!
Hates Umbridge I does. Hates her massively.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Yup, she's nasty.
Sounds like Duvall needs a charm on him that does to him what he does to others. Bully.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
That would have been a really god punishment for him.
Maybe a twinge of unrecognized jealousy there?Enjoying!
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
I think definitely so. He's a bit obtuse.
Aw what a gloomy Gus. Good chapter!
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
I agree. I know he's super angsty, but I really wanted to explore how this may have gone for him had he survived. This is obviously one possible scenario.
Hmm, wonder what the anagram for this project could be. Enjoying!
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thanks!
Sounds like somebody needs a Cheering Charm. Poor fella.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
He's particularly angsty in this one.
Well, he probably thinks his breakdown was a show of weakness but I'm hoping it's more like something putrid being released from an old wound. Good job.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
I think you're right, but of course he thinks that.
Perhaps they should have secreted him away somewhere and let him recover so they could find out what he wanted. Of course, then we wouldn't have this story now would we. I'll shut up now. Enjoying. On to the next chapter.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Glad you're enjoying it. :)
Thank you for a lovely feel good ending to a fine wee story.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thank you! They really deserved their happy ending after all that angst.
Oh no, I can't believe it's over. I have enjoyed this story so much from the very beginning, and I'm sad that it's over. I will certainly read anything you write. Great job and thank you for sharing.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Aw, gee thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've had a wonderful time creating it.
And they lived happily ever after. The End. :)
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
I would assume they did!
Such a lovely story, thanks for sharing. (Is there another on the way? I say in a tiny whisper)
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
There usually is. :) Thanks so much! I should have something up again soon.
I really enjoyed this story. Thanks for sharing it! :)
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thanks so much! Glad you liked it.
Loved the story and really hope that there is either a sequel or an epilogue... just to let us know how they are doing.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thank you! I'm thinking about it.
Yay! Severus and Hermione have their entire lives ahead of them, and I predict that they will be filled with love. It's wonderful that he is setting up his on Potions lab... and that his Floo is connected with hers in the castle.I foresee many bliss filled times in the future. The sky is the limit!Thank you for this story, and for the unusual way you got them together in the first place. Woo hoo!Beth
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thanks so much, Beth! I think they're definitely on the right track and if they work hard they can overcome any obstacle. And that's what love and a relationship is all about.
Thank you for the inventive way you brought these two together. I always think there will come a time when nothing new can be put together with these two, but I am happy to see I am wrong once again. Your take on the hurt and difficulties of both Severus and Hermione were very well written. I look forward to your next story. Thanks, JoAnne
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thank you! It was certainly a different approach. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I truly enjoyed delving into their psyches.
Love the way Minerva "handles" him. :)
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
She's a smart lady. (And I love her!)
I have really enjoyed this story a lot! I hope there will be a sequel, or at least some drabbles like NEELIX is doing for this terrific story.
Response from debjunk (Author of Recovery)
Thank you! Am thinking about maybe a drabble or two in the future.