Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Severus walked along the lake, thinking to himself. He looked up when his eye caught sight of something overhead. Red flew past, circled around, and landed in front of him. She cocked her head and screeched.

Severus put his arm out. "Yes, you may join me," he agreed.

The bird hopped up onto his arm and then to his shoulder. She settled herself in as Severus began walking once again. Severus felt a tenderness towards Red come upon him. He reached up and patted the back of the bird's neck.

"You know, you make a beautiful falcon," he murmured.

Red straightened herself up and preened her feathers. She then butted her head against his cheek, which caused him to smile.

"Shall we sit for a while?"

The bird bobbed her head while Severus conjured up a bench. He sat down as Red hopped onto the seat next to him. He reached out and absently stroked her.

"Is it all right if I still call you Red?"

Her head-bob of agreement had Severus smiling down at her.

"Good, I like that nickname."

She butted his arm with her head again. He smirked as he continued stroking her back.

"All those weeks I talked with you and never had an inkling as to whom I was speaking." He shook his head. "I should have figured it out."

Red hopped onto Severus' lap and butted his chest. His hand lazily patted her head as he looked at her. "I do appreciate you listening to me rant on and on about my problems. I'm sure you had worries of your own."

The bird bobbed her head up and down and hopped back onto the bench. She stretched her wings out and flapped them before settling down onto the bench and gazing up at Severus.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Screech!"

"Do you think things will ever get easier?"

The falcon looked up at him and tilted her head to the side. In an instant, she'd transformed into her human form. Hermione gazed at Severus, who looked at her expectantly.

"I do, Severus."

"When?"

Hermione placed a hand over his. "I'm not sure. I do know that it may take a while." She stopped talking and stared out at the lake. "I know that in times past, when I've had hardships in my life that seemed to be insurmountable, eventually things got easier." She frowned. "We all lived through such horror. I think that even the happy times might be tainted with harsh memories of what we've experienced...obviously more so for you." She turned her head to look at him.

"You need to learn to forgive yourself, Severus. You don't like yourself very much, do you?"

He caught his breath.

"There isn't much to like," he muttered.

"You're very wrong."

Glancing at her, he scowled. "I'm a bitter, nasty man who's been destroyed by his past."

Hermione turned herself towards him. She squeezed his hand. "Don't you see, Severus? Your past is over, and you have your whole future ahead of you."

"My future will be no better than my past."

Hermione frowned. "You don't know that. In fact, I don't know how your future could be any worse than your past. Your past has been really terrible."

Severus couldn't help himself. He chuckled at her. She arched an eyebrow at him, which caused him to laugh harder.

"That must be the biggest understatement I've ever heard," he barked out through his laughter. Before long, he was doubled over from laughing so hard.

Hermione looked on in amusement as Severus continued to laugh. After a while he straightened up, still emitting a chuckle as he pushed his hair back out of his eyes.

"When was the last time you laughed like that?" Hermione asked.

Severus arched an eyebrow, the smile still gracing his face.

"It's been far too long"

"Then you'll have to do it more often."

"There hasn't been much in my life to laugh about."

Hermione's hand went to Severus' arm. "I'm sorry about that. Maybe you should start over. Forget about your past."

Severus glanced at her hand, then up into her eyes. "How do I do that?"

"Forgive yourself. Everyone else has."

Severus sat pensively, his gaze moving to stare at the ground. He shifted awkwardly. When he looked back at Hermione, his face was pained. "What I have done... there is no forgiveness for me."

Hermione scooted closer to Severus. She grabbed his hands in hers and plaintively looked into his eyes. In an instant she'd gathered him up in her arms and was hugging him fiercely.

Severus was shocked. He could not believe that Hermione Granger was holding him so tightly. He could feel her pressed up against him with her chin resting on his shoulder. His arms went around her as he enjoyed her closeness. What he'd done to deserve such a show of affection was beyond him.

She whispered in his ear. "The bad things you did have been long ago paid for. Severus, you must let them go."

She still held him, caressing his back while pulling him closer.

"Let them go. You have proven yourself worthy over and over again." She continued to whisper to Severus as she held him.

"You're not the same man you were then. Let it go and forgive yourself. No one should wallow in remorse when they've done all they can to rectify a wrong. Please... please, Severus. Let it go."

Severus listened to her whisperings as she held him. Pulling back, his eyes searched hers. Desperation showed in his face as he asked her, "How do I do that?"

"See yourself for who you truly are."

"I know who I truly am. I am a murderer."

Hermione frowned at him. "You are a hero... the man who saved us all. You made mistakes in your youth and have paid for those. The things you have done since then have all been out of necessity. Without those sacrifices, Harry would be dead, I would be dead, and everyone would be under Voldemort's rule."

As her soothing words penetrated his soul, he felt yet another wall come crashing down within him. His chest tightened. The tension mounted in him until a great gasp left his body. He grasped at Hermione and buried his face in her neck, his hands desperately clutching her back as the pain of the years filled him. He gripped her desperately as all his sins passed in front of his mind's eye. He mourned... everything. From his youthful mistakes in the choosing of friends to his hand in Lily's death, he mourned every single bad choice he'd made.

Hermione whispered again. "Let it out, Severus. They were mistakes. Some very serious and horrible, but they're done with. You should be celebrating all the good you have done since then."

Realizing how exposed he'd let himself become, he quickly pulled back and turned from Hermione. His shoulders tensed as he stared out over the lake. He tried to control his breathing, but his chest still heaved with the emotions he'd just let escape from deep within him. He felt Hermione's hand on his shoulder and immediately was filled with shame at his lack of strength.

"Severus, please... you need to let this out," Hermione said softly. "I would never judge you on your actions. They're not weaknesses... they're strengths. Unless you work through this pain, you'll never heal.... You'll never forgive yourself. Please..."

He sat stiffly next to her, feeling her squeezing his shoulder. He could not turn to face her for he knew he would see pity in her eyes. He would not accept that from anyone, least of all her.

"Would it be easier if I turned back into Red?" she asked quietly behind him.

Severus chided himself inwardly. She'd seen him in a similar state before... often. She'd never pitied him, only been there as he worked through his grief. Turning, he gazed into her eyes. There was no pity, only concern. He could live with that.

"Although Red would be a comfort, it's time for me to have a friend who isn't covered in feathers. Please stay as you are."

Her hand came up and held his cheek. "I want to help you work through this."

"I know you do," he whispered before pulling her onto his lap and cradling her there like a lifeline. He could neither let go of her, nor pull away. His head remained buried in her shoulder as he examined his past and worked through his grief. He struggled within himself not to shed tears, but they came unbidden. At last he stopped fighting and gave in to them, letting them wash away his pain. Hermione's arms surrounded him tighter, which caused him to pull her to him as if he were trying to make her one with him. She was the only thing that kept him anchored in the present, allowing him to sift through the horrors of his past.

She held him... almost cradled him... as he continued to mourn. At times he'd whisper "no" as a terrible memory passed through his mind. At one point he pulled his head back and yelled curses to the sky. She said nothing, only pulled him closer again once he was done and had again placed his head on her shoulder, letting him work through his grief. He was grateful for her silence. They sat there together for a very long time as he drew strength from Hermione while seeking his desperately needed release.

"Thank you," he said after a long while.

She didn't move, except for her hand, which massaged his back comfortingly.

"Are you all right?" she asked him.

He nodded into her neck and shoulder.

"Have you finally forgiven yourself?"

"I believe I have come to an acceptance of most of it," he answered, still with his head buried in her neck. "I'm a lot closer to forgiving myself fully."

Hermione picked her hand up and ran it through his hair. Suddenly realizing the positions they were both in, Severus pushed her back and looked at her sheepishly.

"I'm sorry," he croaked, his voice hoarse from his screaming and the internal battle he'd just waged.

Hermione smiled at him. "Don't be. I'm glad I could help."

She slid off his lap and sat next to him once again. He grasped her hand and squeezed it.

"Thank you, Hermione."

She squeezed his hand back.

"Perhaps we should get back to the school," he said after clearing his throat.

Smiling, she nodded.

He rose but didn't let go of her hand. She also rose, and they headed back, walking slowly, hands clasped, not saying a word.

A/N: Thanks to slytherinlaurel for her suggestions and great beta skills. Thanks to you all for reading and reviewing. Still squeeing over the lovely banner by talesofsnape!