Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Severus didn't leave his rooms for an entire week. He took his meals in his quarters and secluded himself from the rest of the staff. That was why he wasn't surprised when a knock came at his door, and the Headmistress' voice sounded from behind it.

"Severus, open up. I must speak with you!" Minerva called through to him.

Severus sat in a winged-back chair in total darkness. In fact, he had been in darkness for the entire week. He could count on one hand the times he had lit a lamp to light his way during the past week. He was a creature of the dark and preferred surrounding himself with what he deserved.

"Go away, Minerva!" he called to her, hoping that it would be enough to send her away.

"Severus Snape, if you think I'm going to leave you to yourself when you've been holed up in that room for a week, you are sadly mistaken. Now open the door or I'll stand here all night until I've broken your wards."

Severus sneered at the door. He knew that when Minerva set her mind to something, it usually happened. He flicked his wand, and the door clicked and swung open. Minerva tentatively stepped into Severus' room.

"It's a bit dark in here, Severus. Do you mind if I give us some light?"

"Nothing I say will stop you from doing what you wish," Severus growled.

"That's true, but it is always polite to ask such things when in someone else's home. Lumos." With a flick of her wand, two wall sconces came to life, showering the room in a low but somewhat cheerful light.

"Severus, you look horrid! When was the last time you bathed?"

Severus glared at her. It was his patented glare that sent most students running from him. But this was Minerva McGonagall. She was not so easily intimidated.

"Oh, don't you glower at me, young man. Do you think I haven't seen that look before? I believe I invented that scowl."

"What do you want, Minerva? For Merlin's sake, can't you leave me in peace?"

"Well, Severus, if I thought you were in peace, I would certainly leave you, but it is evident that you are not. You look like death, and you've been hiding in here for days. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and live again."

"What do you know of it?" Severus snarled. "What gives you the right to tell me what to do? You lost that right when you accused me of being a monster, Minerva. Or did you forget that? What was it you said? Hogwarts deserves to be led by someone qualified, not by the monster that I am. That was it, wasn't it?"

Minerva stared at Severus with wide eyes.

"Or did you think I hadn't heard you?" he continued.

"Severus, I'm so sorry!" Minerva exclaimed.

"Save it!" he demanded. "Save your apologies and excuses for someone who cares, for someone who's worth the effort. You made it clear how you felt, Minerva. Now that I'm alive and proven to be trustworthy, why should your attitude change? I despise two-faced people, you know that. Now get out and leave me to my sulking. It's all a monster like me knows how to do."

"Severus, please..."

"Out!" he cried as he pointed to the door.

"I'm worried about you."

"Don't be. You never were before."

Minerva gave him a sad glance before she made her way back out of the room, closing the door quietly after her.

With a flick of his wand, Severus extinguished the lights and left himself in the dark again.

"Lily," Severus murmured as he pulled the red-headed witch into an embrace. "How I have longed to hold you like this."

Lily squeezed him tightly, but Severus felt no relief in her embrace. Why wasn't he reveling in her closeness? Why wasn't his heart racing, like it always had when he thought of this moment? She pulled back a little and kissed him passionately. He was finally getting what he had wanted for so long! He pushed into her and kissed her with equal passion, trying to convey his feelings for her. Unfortunately, his feelings weren't there. The kiss fell flat, and he felt empty. How could this be? He had longed for her for years, now he had her, and he felt nothing? What kind of hell was this?

He pulled away from Lily and gazed into her eyes. She stared back with love shining in them. He felt her sentiments were worthless. He felt that even though she was giving him the look he had longed to see, it didn't matter anymore.

Severus' eyes shot open, and he stared at the ceiling. Realization dawned on him as he told himself he had only been dreaming... but the dream had taken something from him. He no longer longed for Lily to be with him. How could that be? He had longed for her for all his life, how could he just stop longing?

He had loved her. He had sacrificed for her. Now, he felt that she had been removed from him, and was taking her rightful place as an old friend who had passed on years ago.

But I don't want that. I want to cling to her. I don't know how to do anything else! She was my lifeline! If I let her go, what will I do? She was the one who kept me warm at night with the thought of her embrace. She kept me feeling alive. If she disappears, what will I do? How will I survive?

"Lily!" he called into the night. Of course, there was no reply.

"Lily! Where are you?" He could no longer feel her presence.

His mind raced. What was different? Why was she deserting him?

The truth hit him hard. It had been the boy all along, not Lily. He had felt her presence because of the boy. His vow to protect him had brought Lily closer to him, and he had reveled in her imaginary presence as a buoy when life had become most difficult. Now, the boy... Potter... no longer needed his protection. He was safe. Potter was safe, so Lily's presence was no longer necessary. His connection was not needed; she was becoming what she should have become years ago... only a memory.

Sitting up, he urgently cried, "No! Lily, please... don't go!" He shouted it into the empty air. "I need you. I don't know what to do without you. Please, stay with me!" Severus cried out.

His delusional mind even conjured up a vision of his lost love. She smiled benevolently at him and waved as she slowly turned to smoke and disappeared. Severus sat up straighter in the bed and reached his hands out to the fading apparition.

"No! Come back! Lily... please!"

It was too late, her figure was gone. She was gone. He searched his inner being but found only fond memories of their time together and distant feelings of sadness at her death. The longing, the aching for her, and the guilt at what happened... they were all gone. He was empty.

He should feel free. He should feel as if a weight had been lifted from him. He should be happy.

He wasn't.

He had lived only for Lily for most of his life. Now, he had no one and nothing to live for. He was alone. The war had taken everything from him. He had lost his reputation, his friends, almost his life, and now, he had lost the only woman he would ever love. His worthless existence had now become bereft of meaning as well as worth.

Severus collapsed back onto the bed and curled into a ball. He pulled the covers over his head and buried himself as he shuddered. His heart filled with loneliness. All those years loving a dead woman, for what? Abandonment. As in life, she was only looking out for herself. She was my friend until it became unpopular. She stood up for me until a prettier boy began to flirt with her. When my usefulness was over, she left me to the horror that was my destiny. Now, she's done it again. Without a need for me to watch over her son, she left me... alone.

Instinctively, Severus knew he would never feel the closeness he'd felt for her for most of his life. But I need that closeness. It's what has kept me going on for all these years. It's what has given me the strength to do the unthinkable. I don't know how to live without that strength. Without Lily's presence, I have nothing. I am nothing. How can I go on?

Severus shuddered some more. He wrapped his arms around the knees which he'd pulled clear up to his chest. Bitter tears fell down his cheeks. The pain enveloped him. He let himself be drowned in it. The emptiness filled his soul.

Severus awoke the next day, bleary eyed and befuddled. What little sleep he had gotten had done nothing to ease his mind. He stumbled out of bed and went out into his lounge. He noticed a package wrapped in brown paper sitting on his desk. He wandered over and lifted the package, wondering what it might be. Tearing the paper, he found a golden frame. It had a black background in it, but that was all. Severus frowned at it. He feared what the frame would bring.

Walking over to the window, he pulled the drapes back and stared out of it. After inspecting Carrow's residence, he had created a window in his own room. Being in the dungeons, there really was nothing to look at but dirt, but a few charms had remedied that. Now, the window showed the same view of the lake as was seen in the Defense residence. Up until now, he had kept the dark drapes drawn. He hadn't been in the mood for sunlight or happy scenery.

Now he gazed over the lake. It seemed peaceful. Looking back to the picture frame, he decided that prolonging the placement of the frame would do no good. He had a good idea as to whose portrait would be appearing in it. Glancing around the room, he decided that over the mantle would be a nice place to put the frame. Then, if he ever got the urge, the fireplace would not be far for him to have to go to throw the blasted thing into it.

He magically placed the frame onto the wall, centered over the fireplace, and stepped back to look at it. He flinched when a face appeared in it. An old, gray wizard smiled at him. Severus frowned.

"Albus, what is the meaning of this?"

"My boy, Minerva says you're not well. I wanted to have a chat with you. Knowing you would never come to me, I have chosen to make it possible for me to come to you."

"Perhaps I don't want to see you right now," Severus sneered.

"Nonsense! You wouldn't have put up the frame if that were the case. Sit, my boy, and tell me what is wrong with you."

Severus neither sat, nor spoke. Albus gave him a stern look. "You'll have to speak up, my boy. I'm willing to wait you out."

Severus snorted. "I have nothing to say to you!"

"Then simply tell me what's wrong."

"What's wrong? You want to know what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong," Severus snapped. "I am still alive!"

Albus gave Severus a fatherly look.

"Don't look at me like that, old man! You lost the privilege to look at me like that when you ordered me to kill you!"

"Severus, even though I'm dead, I still care for you."

"You were murdered at my hand! There is nothing more for the two of us to say to one another!"

"Ah, that's where you're wrong, Severus, my boy. Who has known you better than me over the years? Talk to me. Maybe I can help."

"Yes, like you always help," he spat. "By placing me in some dangerous situation where everyone suspects me of being nefarious and evil. I don't need help from the likes of you!"

"Severus, I'm sorry about that. We both did what had to be done. It was the only way."

Severus took a few steps until he was nose to nose with the picture. "There are always other options, Albus. You just ignored them. You risked lives with no thought of the person you were sending to the slaughter."

"And yet, you care for me nonetheless. Why is that, Severus?"

Severus shrank back. He was unsure of what to say to Dumbledore. The old man was right. Despite all the nastiness that had surrounded their relationship over the years, Severus still cared for the man. He'd cared enough to be devastated at having to kill him. He'd cared enough to miss the old coot when he was gone, even though they'd had many a conversation in the Headmaster's office. Severus, however, had always kept a distance between the two of them. As a dead man, their relationship had turned to nothing but Order business, and Severus was happier that way.

"Severus... you are hurting. You have not confided in me for a long while. I have missed our talks. Let me make up a little bit of what I put you through by hearing you out."

"No!"

"Severus..."

"There is nothing you can do, old man, so quit trying to meddle in my life! I am alive, which I shouldn't be, and I am learning to cope with that. I was so obsessed with living through the war that I gave no thought as to how my life would be if I survived! I wish that I were dead, but there's not much I can do about that. So, I will exist, being monitored for treachery by the Ministry. I will go from day to day and do what is expected of me. You will stay out of my affairs. Is that clear?"

Dumbledore sighed. "I just want to help, son."

"I am not your son. If I were, I wouldn't be the most hated wizard in all of Europe."

"You're blowing this out of proportion, Severus. Many feel you are a hero for what you've done."

"Misguided sots...the lot of them."

"Don't give up on life yet, Severus. There may still be something worth living for."

"Yes, there is... a lobotomy, so I don't have to deal with optimists like you all the time."

Albus chuckled. "I can always count on you to have a snappy comeback, even when you're miserable, Severus."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "When, exactly, have I not been miserable?"

Albus became serious once again. "Very well, I'll leave you to your wallowing. Call to me if you would like to chat. I'm pretty free nowadays."

"Goodbye, Albus," Severus said curtly and retired to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

A/N: Thanks to Lilith Kayden for looking this over.

It seems that Severus has a bit of a way to go. Thanks for tuning in.