Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Minerva stared grimly at the Headmaster's portrait.

"Albus, I'm not sure what I can do," she said in defeat.

"Minerva, he's hiding in the dungeons. Make him come out. I doubt he'll accept any other help, but you, as the Headmistress, can order him to meals at least."

Minerva sighed heavily. "That I can do, Albus. I'm just not sure that it will do any good."

"You have to try something. He needs to start living again."

"Who am I to tell him to live when I was so horrid to him? He has every right to want to ostracize himself from me and from the entire faculty. We all treated him like a pariah." Minerva's eyes narrowed at Dumbledore. "Why didn't you tell me anything, Albus? You were terribly cruel to let him suffer alone like that."

Albus looked over at the window, trying to avoid Minerva's glare. "It had to be that way."

Minerva harrumphed. "It only had to be that way because that's the way you wanted it! Come on, Albus. You could have told at least one person. One person could have helped Severus carry the burden of being thought of as a murderer by everyone else. You made him do that horrible deed and then you gave him no opportunity for solace whatsoever."

"In war, there is little room for solace," Albus murmured softly.

Minerva's eyebrows shot so far up her head that it appeared they might just fly off the top of it. "Any solace one can find in the throes of war is a welcome respite. You left your spy and friend desolate. You should be ashamed, Albus!"

"I am. I regret that his intense depression is mostly my fault." His eyes shot up to Minerva's. "But, Minerva, if I had to do it all again, I would change nothing. The war is over because of the sacrifices of that man. It surely is worth the outcome, even if he had to suffer a little bit."

Minerva stood and stormed to the painting. "Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, how could you excuse yourself like that? You have destroyed a man, and for what? So that a war could end, yes, but I believe that the end does not justify the means! He is a human being with feelings. You have crushed his spirit! I just hope that what is left within him is salvageable. I hope that he can see something worthwhile to live for. If not, my friend, you will have much to answer for!"

Minerva straightened up and stormed out of the office and up to her room. She sat down at her desk and glared out the window. The goal markers of the Quidditch pitch shone brilliantly in the sunlight. Huffing, she turned her attention to her desk, picked up a quill, and began to tap it impatiently. At long last, she grabbed a parchment and began to write furiously. When she finished, she placed the parchment on the leg of her owl and told it to find Severus Snape. In a flash, the bird was gone, leaving a worried Headmistress, arms folded, staring into space, obsessing about her Defense teacher and friend.

Severus sneered at the parchment as he read it. She had no right to order him around! He would take his meals wherever he pleased.

Professor Snape,

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Severus grimaced in anger and ripped the note to shreds. She had him, and she knew it. The old bat was just as meddlesome as her predecessor. Fine, he would go to meals in the Great Hall. That didn't mean he had to be nice about it, or to speak to anyone. He would make Minerva wish she had never ordered him to show his face.

Severus stormed into the Great Hall, his robes billowing wildly behind him. Minerva glanced his way at his tumultuous entrance and swore she saw a dark black cloud billowing over his head. She sighed inwardly. At least he had shown up. That was a first step.

She watched him as he stalked over to his seat, pulled out his chair roughly, and threw himself into it. He grabbed a bowl of mashed potatoes and violently threw some onto his plate. He then stabbed a piece of roast beef and plopped it down next to the potatoes. Grabbing the gravy boat, he doused the entire plate in brown gravy before smashing the boat down so hard it almost shattered. Gravy sloshed over the edges as he glowered at the bowl, willing it to be still by his mere presence. After sneering at the boat for a moment, he violently grabbed his fork and began to eat.

Minerva glanced around at her staff. Everyone was eyeing Severus in shock. His entrance and noisy preparing of his plate had startled everyone, especially since he hadn't been seen at all for some time.

Severus ignored everyone and shoveled food into his mouth. He ate heartily, which pleased Minerva. She was glad to see that at least he wasn't starving himself. Within five minutes, his plate was empty. He stood abruptly, almost knocking his chair over as he did. He turned to Minerva and bowed low as he flourished his hand at her. Straightening up, he stalked out of the hall just as dramatically as he had entered. Minerva watched him go and knew that he would act this way for the foreseeable future. She just wished he could climb out of his anger and depression soon. She was terribly afraid for him.

Severus entered his room and slammed the door behind him. His chest burned within him.

"Oh, how I hate them," he uttered as he threw himself into the wing-backed chair that faced his fireplace. His hands clenched into fists, and his breath came out in quick bursts.

He had gone to dinner to prove a point, and that had been accomplished. Unfortunately, he hadn't considered how he would feel as he ignored everyone and everything around him. Upon sitting at the table, loneliness had washed over him. He hadn't glanced around, but he could feel all of their eyes boring into him. No one had even attempted to speak with him.

"What did I expect?" he asked himself. "I came in like a freight train and looked at no one."

Nonetheless, he felt slighted. Perhaps there had been a smidgen of hope in the back of his mind that someone would attempt to be friendly. Why they should was uncertain to him. After the previous year, he shouldn't expect any such niceties from the lot of them.

The previous year... how horrible that had been. He had entered the school as the new Headmaster but had received none of the respect that position usually garnered. The Carrows had treated him as a co-conspirator, but never as a leader. The rest of the faculty had turned their backs on him. When he'd requested they do something, they'd snapped their answers at him. They had glared at him during meals, but luckily had never disrespected him in front of the students. The worst, however, was during faculty meetings. Their hatred toward him knew no bounds, and on the few occasions when the Carrows were not present at their meetings, they all had dropped comments about his being a murderer.

Severus stormed into the staff room, cape billowing behind him.

Severus narrowed his eyes at Flitwick, but let the remark pass.

Severus had kept up appearances, but at night when he was alone in his room, he would mourn the loss of the few people who had treated him with respect in his life. Minerva's reactions had been the hardest for him to take, for she had been the most supportive of him, even when he'd been a student. During the past year, however, she'd hardly even spoken to him, and when she had, her tone had been filled with an ugly tinge that sent waves of sadness through Severus' entire being.

He'd known he couldn't let her know the truth, but he would have liked just one person to have known it. If only she could have not glared at him with hatred in her eyes, his months as Headmaster might have been a little easier to live through. But... that wasn't to be, and he hadn't been able to tell her the truth, so he'd endured her hatred and everyone else's as he'd continued down his path, hoping that the madman who called himself his master would be defeated.

When he'd walked down the hall...something he tried not to do often...he'd receive glares not just from the students, but from fellow faculty members as well. Each day had been a struggle for him as he had never felt so solitary or so ostracized in his entire life; most of the school year he had spent hiding away in his office.

Nothing has changed. They all still hate me. No one can forgive what I've done.

The pain that had been in his chest intensified as Severus clutched his hand to it to try and still it. Will I ever find peace? he thought. Unlikely. Turmoil is only what someone like me deserves.

Severus continued to berate himself until he could stand it no more. Exasperated, he rose from his chair and retired to his bedroom. Downing a Dreamless Sleep potion, he soon found himself asleep in total blackness, nothing penetrating his weary mind.

Two weeks had gone by and nothing much had changed. Severus stayed in his room except for meals. He would storm into the Great Hall, gulp down his food, and storm out as soon as humanly possible. A few brave souls had tried to talk with him, but his angry glower had kept them from trying too many times. Severus Snape got exactly what he wanted... to be left alone.

Even Minerva seemed to give up. She didn't even look up anymore when he burst into the hall, nor when he stalked out of it. She didn't know what more to do, nor what to say to the man she had misjudged so unjustly.

Standing outside of his quarters, she debated knocking. Her Gryffindor bravery won out, and she was soon rapping upon his door.

"Enter!" he bellowed, and Minerva pushed the door open, finding Severus seated in front of the fire. He looked pale and miserable.

"Severus," she called to him. He didn't look at her.

"May I sit down?" she asked.

"Do as you wish," he replied with an indifferent wave of his hand.

She pulled another wing-backed chair opposite his and sat down. She looked into Severus' face. It showed no emotion.

"Severus, please. I'm sorry for everything. What can I do to repair our friendship?"

Severus gave her an empty stare. "I'm not sure there's anything left to repair," he said in a hollow voice.

"Well, surely..."

"No, Minerva," he answered softly. "How am I to know if what you say to me is because you care? Am I not just your latest project?"

"Severus, you have never been a project!"

"Do you have some reason to be here that has to do with the school or teaching?" Severus asked tersely.

"I just came to see how you were. I wondered if we could share a spot of tea?"

"No, we can't. I am all out of tea."

"Maybe something else?"

"Goodbye, Minerva."

"Severus, please, can't we put this behind us?"

Severus got to the edge of his seat. "Put this behind us, Minerva? Is that what you want to do? I should just forget all of the horrid things you said to me, and you should just forget that I killed your best friend?" Severus' eyes narrowed. "Just how do we do that, Minerva? How do you forget my wand striking down Albus? How do I forget that you called me a pathetic waste of a wizard?"

Minerva blinked. "Severus, I don't know. But I was mistaken. You yourself said that I was supposed to suspect you... that I needed to think you were horrible."

"Of course that was what you were to think! But that doesn't mean that it made me swell with pride when you said I wasn't fit to run the Leaky Cauldron, let alone a school. No!" Severus rose and began to pace. "You expect me to forget everything that went on for the past year between us and pretend that it never happened? Well, I can't do that. How am I to trust anything you say to me?"

"Severus," Minerva cried as she stood. "I'm worried about you! You hole up in this room all day, coming out for a total of maybe fifteen minutes."

Severus stopped pacing and stalked up to Minerva. He was mere inches from her face. "Why should I spend any more time out of this room? No one wants to associate with me... a Death Eater and murderer!"

Minerva stood ramrod straight. "You're wrong, Severus. None of us see you like that."

Severus' eyes narrowed. "I find that hard to believe."

"Well, it's the truth. The sooner you stop feeling sorry for yourself, maybe you'd recognize it!"

Severus sneered at Minerva. His voice was low but menacing when he finally spoke. "Get out."

"Severus... please!"

"I said get out."

Minerva looked at Severus sadly. "I'm sorry again. You have every right to feel that the world has cheated you, for that is what we've done."

"Out!"

"Please, Severus. Please find it in your heart to forgive us."

"Why?"

"Because we care about you."

Severus snarled. "If you cared about me, I believe I would have seen it before now!"

"Severus, we thought..."

"I know what you thought. You were very quick to think it, weren't you?" Once again he began to pace. "How hard was it for you to believe that I was evil? Hmm? Did you stay awake at night wondering how I could have turned so quickly? Or did you simply tell yourself that you weren't surprised at all?"

"Severus..." Minerva looked at him sympathetically. "I didn't sleep for weeks! I wondered what we could have done to make you hate us all so. I'd trusted you, and you had betrayed that trust. At least, that's how I saw it in the beginning. How could I have known? The evidence... all of it... pointed to your defection. I spent many an evening crying because I thought you were lost to us."

Severus straightened and gave Minerva an incredulous look. "How am I supposed to believe that? You were merciless when I was Headmaster."

Minerva cringed. "I know it. By then, I had accepted what I thought was the truth." She stiffened. "Severus, what would you have done? You were the enemy. You had once been a good friend. I can't tell you how betrayed I felt. I mourned your loss in my own way, but whenever I saw you... I just wanted to strike back and hurt you like you hurt me. Like you hurt all of us."

Severus gave a quick nod, frowning intensely. "That is why this friendship cannot be salvaged. There is nothing left to salvage. My actions have destroyed any trust you may have had in me prior to the murder."

"Severus, you did what you had to do! I spoke with Albus. He was wrong. He would never admit it, but he was wrong. I should have known. I could have helped."

"How? By telling me what a martyr I was?" Severus' hands clenched. "Do you think that's what I wanted to hear? Do you think I wanted that kind of pity? I did not! Now leave me in peace!"

"I could have listened! I could have helped in some way. I don't know how. Having to deal with this all on your own was unconscionable on Albus' part. The man thinks of no one but himself."

"He won, didn't he?" Severus said in defeat. He turned and stalked to the fireplace. Setting his arms on the mantle, he rested his head down on them and stared at the flames.

"The end does not justify the means. He was wrong. Because of that, you have suffered needlessly."

"It's all I deserve," Severus muttered.

"What did you say?"

"Forget it."

"Severus, you deserve a lot more than that."

"Just go, Minerva. Leave me in peace."

Minerva closed the distance between them. Her hand came up and grasped Severus' shoulder. He flinched under her touch, but did not move away.

Minerva's voice was thick with emotion. "You deserve so much more," she whispered.

Severus finally shrugged her hand off his shoulder.

"I am here for you, Severus," Minerva said with a little more power in her voice. "Please, forgive me. Come by if you need to talk."

Severus didn't turn. Minerva slowly made her way out of the room. Closing the door behind her, she leaned on it for support. Heaving a great sigh, her head fell back against the door.

If only there were something more I could do for him. But he must work this through himself. I only hope he can get to that point.

Frowning to herself, she straightened and headed back to her room. She knew she'd have a hard time sleeping tonight.

Severus didn't move for a long time. His eyes stared at the flames as they flickered and snapped. Usually, he felt calmed by them. Today it seemed that they mocked him.

Lost opportunities. His life was filled with them. Grimacing, he turned from the fire and stalked into the bedroom. He flung himself on the bed, turned, and stared at the ceiling.

"Lily..." His eyes closed in regret. "I made so many mistakes with you. Would anything have been different if I hadn't called you that horrible word?"

He glanced at his forearm and traced the spot where the Dark Mark had been emblazoned. "The biggest mistake I ever made," he muttered. "What would life have brought had I not been hypnotized by the Dark Lord and his power? How happy would I be now if I had never fallen for his charismatic demeanor and his indulgent plan?"

He shook his head. "What's done is done." He traced his finger along his arm slowly. "I have suffered endlessly because of this!" His fingertips dug into his skin until they left marks. The Dark Mark had disappeared since the death of Voldemort. When Severus had first noticed, he'd stared at his arm for what seemed like hours, tracing the skin where the mark had been. Now, he wished he could just cut his arm off so he would have no reminder of his previous life.

"That was no life. It was servitude. The consequences of which have left me alone and broken."

Severus stopped torturing his arm and placed it behind him and under his head. He frowned as he thought of Minerva. The trust that he'd had for her was gone. He didn't know what her motives were for coming down here today, but it couldn't have been for friendship. She was just doing what she felt was her job. She was only trying to make peace with the help.

Things would never be the same between them. She would always hate him, no matter what she said. He would always be the killer on the faculty. I'm stuck. I cannot escape my past because I cannot escape this school. The others will never truly accept me. Shacklebolt has created the best punishment available. I am doomed to be surrounded by those who hate me with no means of escape for five years. I am stuck.

A/N: Great thanks to Lilith Kayden for her beta work.

Poor Severus, he needs help fast. Wait, what's that in the distance? That little speck of a person walking towards Hogwarts, who is it? Why, it's Hermione! She's coming! She'll be here in the next chapter! But what can a little know-it-all do when everyone else has failed so miserably? Bwahahahahaha! You'll see!