Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Severus Snape made his way through the halls, a bit less of a presence than usual. He had just been released from the infirmary. It had taken a full week for him to be pronounced well enough to go about his own business. The immobility charm had been lifted from him after his first day of consciousness. Still, Severus had tried not to move his neck too much. Even though Poppy had said the wound was almost healed, pain had shot through his body with the slightest movement. He had spoken little, even when Poppy had allowed him to speak. Despite his reticence to talk, his voice had healed quickly. The rich timbre was now restored, whether he wanted to use his voice or not.

With nothing to do while in the infirmary, he had spent an inordinate amount of time stewing about his former life and wondering just what he would do now that he was no longer a puppet for Voldemort or Dumbledore.

The pain that had coursed through his neck had receded to a dull ache now. Severus winced as he turned his head. If he moved too quickly, his neck would protest greatly. His gait didn't falter though. No one would know he was still recuperating. Fully recovered or not, he would not show his weakness in front of his colleagues.

Severus frowned as he continued down the hall. Minerva had told him he could either have his old room in the dungeons, or he could have the residence used by the Defense teacher. He was going to check those out now.

He quietly walked down the hall until he came to the door of the room. Entering, he frowned immediately. Carrow had filled the room with evil, and he could still feel the nastiness that came off the room in waves. The walls were painted black with thick curtains shrouding the windows. Severus sneered and took out his wand. He swished it around in a rectangular pattern and muttered "Pulsum". A golden light emanated from his wand and banished the evil feeling that surrounded everything in the flat. Severus lowered his wand and began to walk around the room. With the expulsion of the evil, the room seemed to breathe again. Severus went through the double doors that led to the bedroom. He marveled at Carrow's decorating. This room also was completely black. The focal point of the room was a huge poster-bed with a black velvet canopy. Golden fringe fell from the canopy and brightened up the look of the bed. If Severus decided to take this room, he would leave the bed as it was.

Severus wandered to the window and pulled back the dark drapes. This room looked out onto the lake. That was satisfactory.

After a quick look around, he pondered what he should do. He was comfortable with his old rooms, obviously. However, he hadn't resided in them during his tenure as Headmaster.

At least I don't have to return to that residence. I never felt comfortable there.

Of course, if he went back to the dungeons, he'd have access to the private Potions lab. Tempting. He walked back into the bedroom. He eyed the large closet that was off to the left. It was almost as big as a normal room. With a bit of manipulating, it would serve well as a private lab. He could use a regular wardrobe as his closet. That would suffice.

But the dungeons had been his home for a very long time. He had been sad to leave it in the first place. When Slughorn had arrived, he had insisted on taking residence in a brighter, more easily accessible room. That had been a relief. I wasn't ready to give up my comfort zone just yet.

The dungeon was his home in any case. With the war done, however, he could start anew with this residence. What to do... What to do?

Contemplating the location of the Defense residence, he frowned. Second-floor, right in the middle of everything. Students and colleagues walking by at all hours. When would I find peace? And do I really want to spend any time where that inept Carrow may have laid his head? No, this won't do.

He turned to leave, pausing in the doorway to look back at the window, where he'd left the curtains open.

It does have a nice view, though.

Turning, he left the room and headed to the Headmistress' office.

Severus settled himself into the plush seat in front of Minerva's desk and raised an eyebrow at her.

Minerva scoffed. "Severus, you have come to me, why are you giving me a quizzical look?"

"I'm here, Minerva, to inform you that I will be using my residence in the dungeons for the next five years."

Minerva nodded. "I can't blame you for choosing those. I found Carrow's room to be a bit dark for my tastes."

"I have already remedied that situation," Severus explained. "I have purged the evil left by Carrow."

"Ah, well, good. Is there anything else?"

Severus stood abruptly. "No."

"Severus?" Minerva said softly.

Severus arched his eyebrow again in reply.

"If you'd like to help with repairs, we're working on the Astronomy Tower right now. Everything else is back to how it was before the battle."

Severus nodded slowly and left.

"Ah, Severus, good to see you up and about," Filius Flitwick said as he cast a charm and watched a wall repair itself.

"Minerva said I might be of assistance," Severus replied.

"It would be a great help if you'd go up to the roof and secure it."

Severus nodded and climbed the stairs all the way up to the Astronomy Tower roof. As he opened the door, his jaw clenched. He had only come up to the tower roof when he was feeling excessively depressed since Albus' death. His last visit filled his mind.

Severus cast a Muffliato spell so no one would hear him. Going over to the edge of the tower he peered over it.

Severus' breath came heavily as he calmed himself. Like all the times before, he stared out over the school grounds for a while, letting himself become calm once again. Shaking himself, he finally turned and left the tower behind, his façade back in place so that no one would know that he had any emotions or felt anything. No one would ever think that Severus Snape was weak.

Now, as he stared at the tower roof, he saw that there were great holes in it. He wondered what part of the battle had happened here. He knew most of the fighting had been on the lower levels, but it seemed that the Astronomy tower had a knack for attracting attention during fights.

Severus gingerly eased out onto the roof, staying as close to the edge as he could. He began waving his wand and, bit by bit, the flooring of the roof began to repair itself. This task took him at least an hour, and Severus used his formidable mind powers to prevent any thoughts from entering his mind as he wove his way around the edge of the roof, repairing it from the edges and into the middle. Finally, he lowered his wand and assessed his work. The flooring seemed to look as it had before the battle. He carefully walked across it, testing it to make sure that the charms and transfiguring had done its job. He found that his work had been satisfactory.

Severus had been staring at the floor the entire time he had walked and tested it. He finally looked up to see that he was standing in the same place that Albus had been when he had killed him. Severus froze as the realization of where he was crashed over him. This was where the worst year of his life had started.

He looked down at the floor again and took his foot and traced a few of the tiles in the floor. This was where Severus Snape had become a monster. This was where his life had ended. Memories flashed through his head as he once again saw Albus Dumbledore pleading with him. Not pleading for mercy, but for Severus to kill him. In that one word that Dumbledore had uttered...please...Severus' entire life had crashed down around him.

He had not just heard the word 'Please', he had heard an entire monologue in his head.

Severus you must do this! You must hide yourself among the Death Eaters, it's the only way. Severus, kill me. It is the right thing to do. Never mind that you will be the most hated wizard in our world. Never mind that your friends will all turn their backs on you and treat you like a pariah. Never mind that you will spend endless hours locked up in your room and office, berating yourself for the evil that you have done. Never mind that your life will be over. Just do it!

Severus gasped as the memory flooded his senses. The shot of green light left his wand once again, coursing into Dumbledore's body. The old Wizard flailed. His eyes widened as death overtook him, and he fell backwards and over the battlement. Bile rose up in Severus' throat as he relived his friend's death once again... at his own hand. Revulsion filled him.

Severus crashed to his knees and put his head into his hands. He was still not over it. He would never be over it. This memory would haunt him for the rest of his life. He had killed his friend. Although he knew very well that Dumbledore was using him for his own devices, still, the man had cared somewhat for him. He had supported him when no one else had, and what was his payback? A Killing Curse and an unfathomable drop to his death. It didn't matter that Albus had told him to do it. It didn't matter that the man was already dying. His life had been stolen from him before it had been his time.

While the war had been going on, Severus had been able to push all of this down into a little ball. He'd had many other things to occupy his thoughts. He had mourned some, but he had never let the real meaning of what he had done sink in. Now, it crashed over him like a tidal wave. Guilt, sorrow, and pain enveloped him. He had done the most heinous thing one man could do to another, and he had done it to someone he respected and had called a friend. How despicable could he be?

My soul... what about my soul? When he'd asked Albus about it, the older wizard had muttered something about it being a mercy killing. But it was a killing nonetheless. A cold-blooded killing. Even if my actual soul wasn't split or damaged, my psyche was shattered. His chest constricted within itself. He was filled with remorse. But the thing he felt the most was disgust...for himself and his actions.

Has there ever been a time in my life when I've done something good? Never. My actions only caused death and destruction. I have helped no one, saved no one. I've been nothing but a worthless pawn in this chess-game of a war. I am disgusting.

Wave after wave of guilt hit him. Severus put his hand up to his chest and clutched at his heart. He knew the organ was there, but he also knew that he had no heart. He was just a puppet who did what his masters had always told him. He was their marionette, dancing for them, lying for them, killing for them. He had never been his own man. Despicable, that's what he was. Disgusting and despicable... a worthless shell of a man who just existed to do other's bidding. A great groan escaped from Severus' mouth as tears streamed down his face.

"Why?" he screamed into the air. "Why didn't I just die in that blasted Shack? Why couldn't I have just been killed? That's the only thing I deserve!"

Severus gasped and tried to calm himself as tears continued down his face. His efforts were in vain. Finally, his tears lessened some, and his wild sobs stilled themselves. He fought for control. This outpouring of grief was uncalled for. Self-loathing filled him even more. I cannot even keep control of my emotions. What kind of spy am I?

Severus mentally quieted his raging emotions. He chanted, Be still! over and over again in his head. I will not let my emotions dominate me! I will not lose control again! I am stronger than this! I fooled the Dark Lord. I am a master spy, not a weak coward. No, I must not go on like this. Anyone could come up here and see the mess I have turned into.

It took great strength of will and quite a bit of time, but Severus finally became still. The tears that had been falling were wiped away before he stilled his shaking hands. Severus took great breaths and tried to quiet his racing heart. Staring at the floor, he used some calming techniques that had been part of his spy training for years. He finally felt the reserve that always shrouded him slip over his mind and body. He was himself again.

He slowly rose and left the tower roof. As he did, he let himself utter one more epithet. "A worthless thing like me deserves only death."

Slamming the door behind him, Severus Snape descended the stairs and retired to his room for the day.

A/N: Many thanks to my wonderful beta, Lilith Kayden.

For those of you who are wondering, our dear Hermione will be around in a couple of chapters. Bear with me. Once she arrives, she'll never leave! LOL