Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Hermione sat in a soft chair in the staff room. This was the first official staff meeting of the year. A month of classes had flown by, and the group was gathering to discuss how the school year was progressing. Hermione relaxed as she eyed her colleagues. Filius Flitwick was chatting animatedly with Rolanda Hooch. Sybill Trelawney, sitting alone in the corner, had brought her own Crystal ball and was gazing into it with her owl-like eyes. No one made any effort to chat with her. Hermione sat next to Pomona Sprout, who was speaking with Hagrid. Across from her, Severus sat with his usual scowl on his face.

He looked at no one and spoke to no one. Most of the faculty had given up on trying to bring him out of his shell. Hermione hadn't, but she didn't dare speak to him. He'd taken every opportunity to avoid her. She still sat next to him at meals, but he never said more than four words to her, and they usually had to do with passing objects on the table.

In her mind's eye, she saw him night after night, hurriedly eating and departing without as much as a glance her way. She stared at Severus now, her heart heavy. His actions made her feel even more ostracized by him. She'd come to accept it, although it left her feeling hollow inside. Really, after her deception, she deserved his silence.

Nonetheless, she'd tried to start conversations with him. Of course it had been futile, with the only results being nasty glares from him. She'd eventually learned to take no notice of him and talk with Flitwick instead.

Severus was now looking down at his fingernails, still ignoring everyone. How Hermione wanted to sit next to him for support, but she knew her efforts would be unwelcome. She wondered if he'd read her letter. Sighing, she came to the realization that even if he had, he truly wanted nothing more to do with her. Her lips pursed together as she shook her head. She missed him and his conversations.

As they all waited for Minerva, Pomona Sprout turned to Hermione and pulled her from her musings.

"How have your first weeks been, Hermione?" Pomona asked.

Hermione reflected to herself before answering. "It's hard to believe how quickly they've flown by. At first I was so nervous I don't think I was incredibly effective. Luckily it didn't take much time to get to know the students and feel at ease."

Pomona nodded her head. "I had the same problems my very first weeks of teaching. I was scared to death! I was sure I'd just drop dead one day, and they'd bury me among my Venemous Tentacula."

Hermione laughed aloud. "I'm still trying to adjust to the schedule," she admitted once she'd composed herself. "All those papers to grade take up a lot of extra time. I hadn't truly realized how much time I'd be spending outside of the classroom simply preparing for the next day's classes."

Pomona smiled at her. "It gets easier, my dear. You've got a quick brain. You'll get your schedule settled and then you won't feel so stretched out."

Hermione nodded. She'd actually been quite thankful for being so busy. It had taken her mind off Severus. The only time she'd really had to dwell on her lost friendship was during meals and late at night. The flurry of the new school year had helped her get through the heartache she felt at her shattered relationship.

"I think I'm finally at the place where my schedule doesn't take up my entire day," Hermione mused.

"And your health, dear?"

"I'm doing much better," she said with a tentative smile.

It was true; she was doing better. The spell that Duvall had cast had left her in a weakened state, but her strength was slowly returning. She tried not to let school stress overwhelm her, remembering the admonition of Poppy about her heart. She could feel it drumming away in her chest at times and always took a few breaths to ease her anxiety whenever that happened. So far it had worked out, and she hadn't had any problems.

"I'm still taking it easy. The spell has some long lasting effects that I'm still overcoming," she explained to Pomona.

Hermione's eyes fell upon Severus again. His head was down, and his hair curtained and shielded his face. A desire to push that hair back and gaze into his eyes enveloped her. She pushed it away, chastising herself for her foolish thoughts.

Minerva entered, nodded at everyone, and began the meeting. Hermione kept her eye on Severus as the many topics were discussed. The only time he spoke was to voice his opinion on student detentions. Most in the room wanted to shorten the time a student spent in detention.

"The length is intrinsic in the punishment," Severus argued. "A student will not fear a short detention. It will not serve as any form of deterrent."

"I agree," Hermione said, causing Severus to glower at her. "The detention serves as a punishment and a deterrent. Yes, it's a major use of our time having to monitor such students, but in the end it keeps order in the school."

After a bit more discussion, it was decided to keep the length of detentions unchanged.

Other than that one comment, Severus remained quiet. He kept his gaze on the floor. He seemed solemn, perhaps depressed even. Resolve or not, Hermione couldn't just let him sit there wallowing in sorrow. She decided to approach him after the meeting and ask him how he was.

When the meeting finished, Severus sat in his chair, unmoving. He was usually the first one out of the room, but it was as if he was unaware of things around him. Hermione waited until the room emptied some and went up to him.

"Professor Snape, might I ask you something?"

Severus looked up at her, his eyes seeming to finally focus as he stood.

"I am in a hurry, Professor Granger," he said.

"It will only take a minute, but it's private."

Severus scowled. They waited until the last stragglers left the staff room before Hermione turned to him.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

Severus' eyebrows knit together. "My well-being is no concern of yours!"

"Severus, you seem out of sorts."

"And you seem to be as nosy as ever. When will you learn, Granger, to leave me alone?"

"Severus, I'm worried about you."

Severus took a step closer to her. He towered over her menacingly. Hermione shrunk back a step.

"I do not need the worries of a know-it-all Gryffindor; do you understand me?"

"Severus... I..."

"I see that you don't...."

Hermione's heart began to beat rapidly in her chest. She struggled to calm herself, but Severus was just beginning his onslaught. With each word, she felt her heart begin to pound harder and harder.

"You, Professor Granger, are a meddlesome bint. You think that everyone is your charity case. Well, I assure you, Granger, I am not a charity case."

"I'm just worried about you," she offered. She clutched at her chest as she said it, desperately trying to calm herself down.

Hermione felt small droplets of sweat begin to form at her hairline. She frantically tried to breathe normally. Her attempts to even out her breath did no good. It continued to come in rapid bursts, ignoring those attempts.

"Do I look like I care whether you're worried about me or not?" He moved in closer now, bending low, so that their noses were almost touching. Using his most intimidating voice, he continued to berate her.

"Do you think I want some harpy following me around asking me if I'm okay? Do you think I want your company?" he demanded. His voice was no louder than usual, but the venom in it made Hermione cringe inwardly as her heartbeat began to pound in her head.

"S-Severus," she stammered. Her eyes pleaded with him to stop, but he didn't. She was beginning to feel lightheaded.

His voice rose slightly, and his words became more pointed. "I don't, I assure you. You are nothing but a know-it-all swot who thinks she can fix everything! I assure you, I. Do. Not. Need. Fixing! You can keep your meddlesome questions buried deep within that overactive mind of yours! Concentrate on your students and leave... me... alone!"

He was glaring now, although he seemed to be a bit blurry.

"I don't want your help! I will not be your lab rat! Do you understand? Can that incredible mind of yours accept that one fact?!"

Hermione's breathing increased exponentially. She gasped for breath and clutched at her chest. Sharp pains shot through her entire body. She frantically tried to calm herself, but to no avail. Severus' closeness and the rage on his face sent her heart racing even more. She reached out and grasped his robes.

"Please stop," she barely whispered before she passed out completely, sinking to the floor.

Severus felt Hermione's hand on his robes and noticed her clutching at her chest. Before he knew it, she'd fallen to the floor, unconscious. He stared for a moment before pulling himself together and stooping down. Waving his wand over her, he realized she was in cardiac arrest.

"Damn!" he cried as he lifted her up and headed for the fireplace. Setting her down on the floor, he grabbed a handful of Floo powder, picked her back up, and went into the fireplace, dropping the powder as he called out, "Infirmary!"

In an instant he appeared in the infirmary fireplace and rushed Hermione to a bed. Poppy bustled over quickly.

"What happened?"

"She's in cardiac arrest," Severus explained.

Poppy set to work. "I told her not to overexcite herself or her heart would fail her!" she exclaimed in between waving her wand, administering potions, and casting spells.

Severus' chest felt as if a cement block had fallen on it. He staggered back as he looked at Hermione's still form. "I didn't know," he muttered.

Poppy paused long enough to glance at Severus before returning to her wand waving.

"Didn't know what?" she asked.

"I didn't know she could have a heart attack. This is my fault. I was being overbearing. I... I was berating her."

Poppy gave him another glance. "Will you get me the Heart Stabilizing Potion on the table over there?" she asked.

Severus ran to the table and looked for the potion. His hand shook as he brushed past a few other vials, knocking them down. Finally, he grasped the correct one and flew back to Poppy's side.

"Will she be all right?" Severus asked.

"We'll see once the potion is administered."

Poppy poured some down her throat, then took some and pulled Hermione's shirt low so she could rub it on her chest. She stood back and folded her arms in front of her.

"That's all I can do for now." She looked up at Snape and glared at him. "It would be best if you could curb your temper around her from now on, Professor. I don't want this to be an everyday occurrence. You've set her recovery back by several weeks."

Severus lowered his head. His eyes closed tightly. He'd killed her. By trying to keep her at arms length, he'd gone ahead and killed her.

Poppy seemed to sense his remorse. Her shoulders relaxed, and she went over to Severus, this time speaking in a calmer tone.

"You didn't know about her heart. I'm sorry I snapped at you. You know how I am about my patients. I've been overprotective of you enough times in the past." Her hand went to his shoulder as she looked to Hermione, whose color was already improving. "She'll be all right. Once her heart is fully healed, you may yell at her to your heart's content."

Severus' eyes never opened at her words. Finally, he looked to Hermione. She looked so frail. He had a sudden urge to envelop her within his arms and protect her, but who would he be protecting her from? Himself, of course. He was the villain here. With a grimace, he spun around and stalked out of the infirmary. Poppy watched him go, her eyes sadly following him as he stalked dejectedly away.

Back to the scene of the crime, Severus thought as he stormed up the stairs to the Astronomy tower. One of the many crimes you've committed. Fool! Now you've committed another one. He stalked to the edge of the tower and looked down.

You might as well just fling yourself over and rid the world of the biggest nuisance there ever was!

He knew he would never do it. He was no coward, running from his problems, but Merlin... it was tempting right now.

Worthless... You drive everyone off. The woman was just concerned about you, and you practically killed her for it.

If only he could escape this prison he was subjected to, he would disappear. Then no one would be cursed by his presence. Tears formed in his eyes as he gazed to the ground below.

Would this pain ever leave? Would he always feel so inferior...so culpable for everything bad that happened around him? Would he ever just... live... without the self-recrimination that flooded his every waking moment?

Thoughts of that bloody falcon filled his head. Hermione, in falcon form, pecking irately at his head, trying to knock some sense into him, screeching at him, trying to argue in a wordless voice, giving him affectionate head-butts.

He closed his eyes and put his hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and finger. What a fool he'd been. Slytherin that he was, he had suspected her of ulterior motives. Forgetting she was a Gryffindor, he'd ignored the fact that she had no malicious intent in her. She'd been sincere and caring from the start. He'd been unable to accept that from her, so he'd pushed her away at the first possible chance. He'd pushed her away so well that she now lay dying in a hospital bed.

"I am a fool."

"And it's about time you realized that!" a voice said from behind him.

He wheeled around and found Minerva standing haughtily behind him.

"I already have one professor fighting for her life; I don't need you taking the plunge from this roof, Severus."

He scowled. "I assure you, Minerva, I had..."

She held up her hand. "Save it! If you want to kick yourself for your actions, I'll gladly help you, but don't you even think of getting so depressed that you throw yourself off this tower, Severus Snape. That is behavior that is unacceptable in my school. Of course, if it weren't, I'd be happy to give you a push!"

Severus gaped.

"Don't look so shocked! Do you know how many times I've wanted to smash my wand over your head and knock some sense into you? You are being a fool, just like you said a minute ago. You bury yourself in your guilt and believe no one cares about you. I believe that it's evident that at least one woman cares for you, and I can assure you that I, too, care for you and so do the rest your friends."

Minerva glared at him for a minute before continuing. "Yes, Severus, you have friends. They're all around you; you just refuse to recognize it. Wake up! Pull yourself out of your self-imposed depression and live your life. I assume that's why you survived the war, so you can live!"

She looked crossly at Severus. "When Hermione awakens I want you by her bed, kissing her feet and begging her for forgiveness. Is that understood? She is a caring, loving young woman who doesn't deserve to be treated like dung by you, do you hear me? If anything like this ever happens again, I'll have you sacked before you can lift your wand."

Minerva turned and stalked away, leaving a very surprised and still gaping Severus Snape behind. He slowly sunk to the floor, still staring at the door where she'd disappeared. Her words echoed in his mind. Self-imposed depression... beg forgiveness... friends... at least one woman cares for you...

His hands went up to his face, and he drew his fingers along his cheeks. With a great sigh, he admitted to himself just how right Minerva McGonagall was. I've brought most of this on myself. Ulterior motives, platitudes, deceit, that's what I thought I was getting from my... friends... There, I said it... I have friends. I've been projecting my own tendencies onto my... friends. Being a spy, I've had to live with deceit, but these people...these friends...don't have to live like that. Everything isn't a carefully orchestrated melodrama for them. They just... live. They have no reasons for deception.

He'd been so busy wallowing in sorrow that he hadn't noticed that his... friends... didn't hate him. Even his students didn't seem to hate him. Oh, he was certain that they talked about him behind his back. They wouldn't be dunderheaded children if they didn't, but they didn't hate him.

Dumbledore's words from before Severus had cast him into the flames came back to him. He had not paid them any heed then; they had hardly registered with him, to tell the truth. How could they? He didn't trust the old man. He did trust Minerva, though, despite what had happened last year. He knew she couldn't help her feelings back then; they had been thrust upon her because of the circumstances.

The walls that had served him so well in wartime had now become his enemy, keeping him from seeing clearly and accepting reality. How odd that the very thing that had kept him alive in the past was now the thing that threatened to destroy him. Even odder was the fact that he no longer yearned to hide himself behind those walls. They were crushing him inside of them. They were destroying him from within.

Amazement washed over him as he realized that he need not live as he used to. He need not hide from the world. He need not fear the judgment of the world. It wasn't necessary for him to suspect every little nicety that came his way. He could even, perhaps, be somewhat nice himself.

That horrible, beautiful, evil, and amazing falcon came to mind again. Hermione had been trying to tell him that all along, but he'd refused to listen. Then when he'd found out who she was, he'd cast every memory of the bird out of his mind. They all flooded back to him once again, along with every kind word Hermione had showered upon him in her short tenure at Hogwarts. What a fool he'd been. What a sheer and utter fool.

Oh, he'd follow Minerva's counsel and kiss Granger's feet and beg forgiveness. He'd kiss any part of her to have her accept him again.

Where did that thought come from?

More walls fell as he realized just what he'd been hiding from himself for all of these weeks. That woman... Hermione... had wormed her way into his soul. He cared about the swot of a woman. How he could care about someone and call her a swot in the same breath was a mystery to him, but examining his feelings, he had to conclude that caring was what he felt.

"I wish you were a person, Red. I bet you wouldn't hate me."

"How I wish you were human, Red. You make all my worries seem trivial."

He'd forgotten how he'd wished that. His wish had come true, and he'd ignored it. He'd longed for one thing...acceptance...and she'd given him that. Did he accept it when it was freely offered? No, he rejected her and treated her like a pariah.

Severus sighed. He'd really messed everything up. He needed to make this right, even if it took him all school year. He would make Hermione see that he valued her and the friendship she offered. He would make her know that he cared.

Severus returned to the infirmary. Settling into a chair next to Hermione's bed, he began the wait for her to regain consciousness. He eyed her unconscious form. She looked incredibly peaceful. He was glad to see that. She'd been so agitated when he was scolding her. How could he have been so cruel?

After a while, Hermione stirred, and her eyes flittered open. She looked around, her gaze falling upon Severus. She frowned immediately and turned so that her back was facing him. Severus cringed at her aloofness, although he realized she was fully justified in her actions. He cleared his throat, but Hermione did not move to look at him.

"Hermione?" he called softly.

She didn't respond.

"I'm sorry," he offered.

Silence.

"I've treated you horridly. I'm sorry I was so unreasonable."

Still no response.

"You were just concerned about me, and I berated you. I'm sorry."

"Go, Severus," Hermione said finally. Her voice sounded empty and dead.

"Please, Hermione, let me finish."

"No, Severus, just go."

"Hermione..."

Hermione turned and looked at him. Her eyes were cold, and her face was hard.

"You made your opinion of me perfectly clear, Severus. Now get out."

"I..."

"No! I said I want you to go; now go!"

Severus stood but continued to look at her.

"This isn't over, Hermione. I will let you get better, but we will have this talk."

Hermione's eyes narrowed. "You don't always get everything you want, Snape. I won't have you berate me again. Keep away from me."

"I have no intention of..."

"I said get out!" she cried, causing Poppy to emerge from her office.

"Severus," Poppy admonished. "You are not to upset Professor Granger!"

Severus looked to Poppy. "I... I wasn't... I'm just leaving." With that, he turned and stalked from the infirmary.

As he returned to his room, he fretted. There had to be some way to convince her he was sincere. He racked his brain, trying to figure out something. As he made his way to his fireplace, his eye was drawn to a crumpled ball of parchment in the far corner of the room. Stepping over to it, he bent low and lifted it from the floor.

"Hermione's letter..."

He unraveled the ball and straightened out the parchment. His eyes scanned her words again. She'd had hope for them then, but that was weeks ago. His actions today had obviously driven any stray feelings of hope straight from her. She was a Gryffindor, though; they never seemed to give up, her especially. His eyes closed as he brought her letter to his chest. She had used words to try to get to him; he would do the same. Maybe if he wrote her a letter she would forgive him. He rushed to his desk and took up his quill. Beginning to write furiously, he stopped after only a line or two. Looking down at what he wrote, he frowned and Vanished it.

He started again and again, but the words would not come. He was at a loss as to what to say that would make her want to listen to him. Finally, he wrote two simple lines, signed it, and folded it up. He'd send it to her in the morning. Hopefully, rest would help her to be in a forgiving mood.

A/N: It seems that the tables have been turned here. Can Hermione forgive him? More importantly, can Severus forgive himself?

Mega hugs to slytherinlaurel for her wonderful beta work.