31: Stress Management
Chapter 31 of 47
Fawkes_07Hermione gives Severus a swift kick in the seat of the pants, launching him back into reality after a rather surreal period.
Reviewed"I mean to end it all, Hermione. Today."
Snape expected some measure of support for his resolution. An encouraging smile, or at least a show of interest in the topic. Hermione's jaw dropped and her eyes widened, but she said nothing, didn't even ask him to continue. He nearly sniffed in frustration, but he caught himself; it was reasonable that she would require a moment to adjust to the surprise.
He started to pace. "I can explain myself to Albus tonight. He won't be happy, but he's a resourceful wizard, he'll find a way to make do. The Dark Lord will not notice my absence for some time--with luck, an extended time. I can inform him that I need to secure his interests at Malfoy Manor; that's just the sort of thing a spy should do under the circumstances. I've given it considerable thought and I believe that the South Pacific is the best choice. Given that generality, is there any particular place you favor?"
"What?" She gaped as though he were speaking in a foreign language.
"Hermione Granger, I know you are recovering from a terrible injury, but you are capable of sharper reasoning than this! Pay attention, dear girl!"
"Pay attention... Severus, you're raving like a lunatic!" She jumped up from the divan and stomped angrily to face him. "One minute you're about to kill yourself, then you're asking me to choose a spot in the South Seas... for what, exactly? Severus! What's going on?"
Closing his eyes, Snape took a deep breath and forced himself to let it out slowly. "I see. I was ambiguous. That was my fault." His voice was taut, and he knew this would only aggravate her further. Another deep breath, then. His shoulders dropped and the tension in his throat softened. "I did not mean to imply the Ultimate End, my dear. I could have that easily enough by staying put; I'm sure there are many who would help me along! No. I mean to end this life, Hermione, this impossible service to two masters. I want a new life--away from all of this."
Now the cogs were turning in her mind, and he sat back against the edge of his desk, watching her expectantly. It was quite a rush of ideas; rather rude of me to expect her to suss it all out in one go, I suppose. A few minutes' delay would not matter, and now that he was certain that she understood, it would be time well spent. Or so he thought, until her hands slowly came up to rest on her hips.
"You want to leave all of this... everything... and you expect me to just join you?"
Snape's breath caught in his throat for the first time since he'd been a child.
"That was the idea..." His voice was barely audible. For a last, peaceful moment, she simply stared at him, the calm before the storm. His chest began to ache in a familiar way that he had long forgotten; he recognized it from his childhood as the sensation that used to precede a beating. He was startled to realize that this was fear.
"Severus... now you must listen." Hermione's voice was throaty with anger, but it shook with her attempt to rein in her temper. "I've just spent, what, four days in the hospital. I was hurt. Seriously hurt, worse than anything ever before in my life. I knew I might die. I don't think I need to explain that this gave me pause to think. Now, do you know what I decided?"
He shrugged feebly when she paused, but he realized that she wasn't waiting for an answer, she was producing one herself. Her eyes came back into focus. "Quite a few things, actually. One is that if I'm going to die tomorrow, I don't want to waste today fretting about a stupid Ordinary Wizarding Level examination! You think thirty-six is too young to die? Imagine how I feel!"
She stamped her foot, then averted her eyes and took a few calming breaths. "Severus. I want to live. Really live. I never realized how precious it is just to breathe the air, walk in the sun, smell a flower or eat blueberries. I'm so glad to be alive right now, I feel as though I could simply explode! And you ask me to go on the run with you? To give up everything I have and become a bloody refugee from You-Know-Who's wrath? It's absolutely insane! I don't want to spend the rest of my days hiding on some Polynesian island! Oh, sure, at first it will all be tropical fish and coconuts, and drinks with little paper umbrellas, but for how long?" She shook her head and began to pace just as he had earlier.
"Running, hiding, looking over my shoulder constantly, never staying anywhere long enough to be recognized--who wants that? I certainly don't! Not to mention that I still have two more years of school! You want me to go gadding off on my own without finishing my studies? What if something were to happen to you? What would become of me? I'm not ready to live as an independent witch--and I'm never going back to being a Muggle! All of my friends, my parents... I'm not going to just vanish and never see them again! And let's not even mention the fact that they all need us--you especially--and that we'd be abandoning them like a pair of utter cowards!"
She came to a halt directly in front of him and took hold of his wrists. "No. Absolutely not. No. If that's what you need to do, Severus Snape, you're on your own."
He had to compose himself a moment before he could speak, and even then his voice was tremulous.
"But Hermione... I can't go on like this any longer. The charades, the duplicity. Something has to change, something; I, too, don't want to waste the time I have left on this earth any longer."
She gazed up at him warmly, with a wistful little smile crinkling the corners of her eyes. "Then let's change something, Severus. But for the better, not the worse!" The smile broadened a bit, and her hands slipped into his. "There's no need to toss out the baby along with the bathwater; we just need to figure out what's bothering you the most and change it!"
Snape rolled his eyes. "That would be my compulsory service to this," he snapped, gripping his left forearm.
Hermione regarded him with empathy. "Fine, I'll rephrase it: we need to figure out what things you can change and eliminate some of those." She raised her brows gamely and made a wry, lopsided grin. "It's just a matter of setting your priorities, Severus; there's bound to be something you can yield, to make the rest more bearable."
"This from the young lady who, but two short weeks ago, was paralyzed with self-doubt about her adequacy."
She shook her head, her smile tightening. "Bad tack, Severus. This is a 'you' thing, not a 'me' thing. And need I remind you that when I faltered, you insisted on pointing out the error of my thinking? Finally, at least I never wanted to trade in my Hogwarts robes for a grass skirt!" Her glare could have wilted the entire contents of Pomona Sprout's greenhouses.
He folded his arms stubbornly. "Fine, then. I'm open to suggestions from the floor."
That earned him a scowl. "Why must you always be so difficult? It's not as though you've confided in me. How should I know what's bothering you, much less what can or can't be changed?"
"I? Haven't confided in you?" Snape straightened to his full height, brimming with indignation, but just as quickly, his mind went blank and his umbrage evaporated. He couldn't think of a single counterexample to her claim. Surely there must have been something...by the Goddess, how can I feel so bloody vulnerable in her presence if I HAVEN'T said anything? Impossible!
She was studying him thoughtfully, nodding to herself. "Funny. I suppose for you, just a smile is an act of confidence. It's certainly much more than you grant most people." She stepped forward and gingerly slipped her arms inside his robe again. "It's all right, Severus; I think I'm far better off not knowing all the secrets you keep."
Snape's eyes bulged out for an instant. "You know, dear girl, I think we both are."
Squeezing his ribs, Hermione harrumphed in a cynical chuckle. "So, dear sir, I think that leaves this matter up to you. Do you suppose you can find some little thread or two in your web of intrigue that you can cut? Something that won't involve an escape to the South Seas, that is."
Resting his chin on the top of her head, Snape smirked. "Are you sure? Perhaps you could get used to a life of coconuts and paper parasols, hmm?"
She tipped her head back to glare at him. "Severus, I think ten minutes in the tropics would leave you mortally sunburned, not to mention that no self-respecting umbrella drink would park itself in your uptight hand."
Oof, she's got me there. "Hermione Granger, you are an insolent little imp."
"Oh, as if! I'm quite sure your idea of a vacation in the South Seas involves harvesting some sort of nasty stinging jellyfish or magical coral or something."
"Insufferable wench!" He couldn't keep the smile from his lips, and squeezed her tightly.
Hermione laughed as well. "Indeed! I happen to think that's what you like about me, Severus! Now, will you please stop this bickering and kiss me as though there won't be any tomorrow?"
When she phrased it that way, it was damn impossible to come up with a counterargument.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Fair Exchanges
909 Reviews | 6.76/10 Average
I've warned you that i will continue to harrass you about finishing this story until my dying day. And i always keep my word. Hope you are still around, that all is well for you, and that this story remains on your eternal to do list.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh. It is. It really is. I need a time machine.
Hello again! I don't know if you are even still around, but reading the rest of this story is on my bucket list, so while I still have breath in me, I shall continue to nudge you toward writing. Hope all is well with you and yours.
SPOILER Warning******In case someone has gone this many years without getting through the last book in the series****************************I hope this new turn in their relationship keeps her from wishing she could just hold hands with someone and walk around the lake. She's had a man now. I can't imagine, at least I hope she doesn't go back to boys. What are you going to do about the Ron thing? She can't go with Ron now. It would would be too mean to Severus! I hope she understands when Albus is killed. Poor Severus! There. Again I'm saying it! I don't mind his sacrifices if I know he will be rewarded with the love he deserves for what he has had to pay to rid the world of Tom Riddle. I hope you work this out so that he doesn't suffer at the end and you'd better not kill him off like the witch who kills small beloved pets like owls, and sweet dear magical creatures like house elves protecting their loved one, cruelly rends twins assunder with one on this side alone without his other half and the other one on the opposite side of the vale tellikng jokes without punch lines! Please tell me you will not follow that part of cannon. You are already forcing Severus to do things I don't know if Hermione can forgive him for. She must forgive him though.When are you going to work on this story some more? Do you know? Are you planing to finish this story or did the last cannon book kill your joy when she killed off our Potions Master in an incredibly un-Severus Snap like end. ....As if the Potions Master of all masters wouldn't have antivenin.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
You know, it's funny... DH actually kind of DID kill off a lot of my motivation to keep writing fanfic, even though I never really thought of it that way until just now. I wrote my own Book 7 for my kids--HP and the Heirs of Slytherin, it's here on TPP--starting in about 2006, just because I KNEW JKR was going to blow it. I just knew I wouldn't like her book 7. A lot of these fics kind of spun off during the process of writing HoS, including Fair Exchanges. HoS has a lot of legilimency/occlumency in it, and Hermione asks Harry not to look at her dreams. That sparked this story... Anyway, once I finished HoS, I kinda moved on to other projects and my unfinished fics have been sort of waiting on the vine for me. I know how they all end, and some of them are just a few chapters from complete. But part of the trouble with Fair Exchanges is that I hate DH so much I have no desire to read it carefully enough to make Fair Ex canon-compliant. It can't even be HoS compliant, because my alt. universe has even more trouble ahead for Snape. If it's any comfort, though, the last two chapters of this story were written LONG ago, and it wraps up the story in a way I really liked. I posted them on some other ff sites, if you want to go hunting for them. I kept them off TPP, though, because I wanted to post the whole thing properly here.
She is being a normal girl, unfortunately for Severus. Severus Snape requires a remarkable woman. Strong, forgiving, able to make her own happiness most of the time and able to consistantly see past the Death Eater Double Spy. He needssomeone who wants him especially because he isn't like any other man on earth. And he needs someone older than Hermione. I would be thinking just exactly what she is thinking. He is looking for a life time commitment. She just isn't there yet. I don't se how this can end well for either of them unless you figure out a way to turn cannon around soon. I hate the way things turned out in the cannon. She ruined everything! I can't stand it. I hope you can salvage this back story so that it comes out much better than the original. Severus deserves better. I hate feeling sorry for Snape, damn it! I want him to show them all. I want him to end up with the best end of any stick.
Poor Severus. I wish she'd run off to Polynesia with him. I hope she's worth it in the end. She has no real idea what he faces here. They are living in the moment when they see each other. He knows more about her than she knows about him. There is so much more to him than there is to Hermione at this point in her life. How old is she, 15 or 16? Well, at least he can have someone pure. I hope she never asks about his other lovers. I don't think she is ready for the answer. I'm not sure I'd be ready for the Centaura. And we know that in his youth he willingly committed rape in this story, though he reqrets it now. I don't know that Hermione could really handle that knowledge. She might be able to handle the idea that he had possibly been forced to do it, but not with certainty that he had ever willingly done it. He's so screwed is she ever finds out all the things he has to do, unless she is a very unusual individual and not very judgemental. I hope for his sake she is as remarkable as he thinks she is.
Hello! I think Draco just passed out! What do you do with this lie. How to explain that 2 men who appeared to absolutely despise one another were lovers on the low down. Would Draco even fall for that? I don't think he has been present at the OP meetings to observed the apparent mutual hatred. Draco doesn't know how much the murrauders stalked and abused poor Severus. Maybe he'll fall fore it. Poor boy wil be manipulated by the Uncle he trustes. That must taste like shit to Severus.
And Hermione can't know about Draco! She would not understand.
Severus Snape is the most adept spie of all the world if he pulls this off. He must feel like he can never get clean from lying regulary to those few who trust him, beastiality, cheeting on his overly homornal girlfriend that he shouldn't be with, but amazingly they actually love each other and trust each other. Now, add buggery in order to manipulate his godson. He must keep Hermione and Draco apart. And what would the dark lord or Albus Dumblebutt have to say about all of this distasteful activity. Dude, when this is all over you are going to need some serious counceling!
OK. What should he do now? I say, let the twirp kiss you so that you can get on his good side and find out his secrets. Hey! It's a dog eat dog world out there right now. Just hope that Hermione doens't find out you cheated on her with 4 Centaras and her worst enemy at the school and all in the same week. It's a fine edge you tread, poor Severus. I actually feel sorry for you.
Lucky in many ways it seems, our Severus. The Dark Lord needed a laugh. Oooooo, let a name slip in there that starts with an H. So who actually rescued the toad in the forest after all? Make up any answer you like. I had assumed it was Albus. But why he would bother is beyond me. Does Severus have to go back to fetch her?
So! Our dear potions master is hung like a stallion! Well of couse he is! Those naughty girls. It's a good thing Hermione doesn't know. And, isn't he terrified of being caught in the act by the stallions while making love to the mares? I'm sure they would kill him. I'm glad he gets some small reward for his hard work protecting Harry. It really is too bad they didn't kill Umbridge. I know Jkr needs her later in the story. I hope she has permanent damage though.
There's no way that will happen under these circumstances. I don't believe it. Girls need a mood or something to get then started.
Don't worry Hermione, dear. After you've been married for more than 3 decades you actually will grow together down there from lack of use. You see, the little man is victim to depression, high blood pressure, diabetes and sundry medications for said infirmities, but eventually this will only spark a sense of resigned bitterness. Dreams though few and far between will be a welcomed relief. So cry no more dear girl and by the gods grab him while you can! Perhaps in your world magic will make these things not so. If that is the case, get over it you silly girl. He must truly be desperate to put up with this. You all must be. I was quite emotional the first 20 years. It was dreadful! Now I am resigned to the fact that what ever you were fighting about the first 2 years are the same things you will be fighting about in 10 years until eventually you just look at him and shake your head. Put up with it or try to train a new one. Here is the most important thing you will ever know. They cannot be trained. Don't waste your time.
I love, "like a raisin through a guinea pig"! I take it you speak from experience based on your picture of Mr. Flibbert, I believe his name was. One of the things that annoyed the hell out of me in the movie version of TGoF was the hormonal Hermione whining and bitching in her high pitched self righteous girl BS. I think she was pissed off just like in this chapter for the entire movie. I realize it is true to life but it is still annoying. I have two drama queens of my own and it doesn't get better when they grow up. I am grateful for grandsons. They are loud and every game requires growling and yelling and running in the house, not to mention accidentally bumping into each other on purpose etc. but I am looking forward to much less drama as when they reach puberty. I look also look forward to Hermione in this story finishing her O.L.W.S. I'm hyper-sensitive from PTSD after raising two daughters.
Here it is 2014 and still no end in sight. Please finish this, it is too good and to frustrating to stop here,
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really would like to finish it someday. Too many projects, not enough time!
You do know that as long as this story sits unfinished, I am going to pop in periodically and bug you, right? Now I am not pressuring you. I know that real life can be a bitch. All I'm saying is that I probably have a good fifty years left in me, and I am going to continue to encourage you until I take my last breath. Oh, but please don't wait that long as I do want to read the end, lol.
Hi Fawkes_07, I have enjoyed this so much! It is of course beautifully written and plotted. I think you've captured all the characters quite well. The sense of humor in this story is wonderful and was a great surprise. Love the interactions between H and Severus, and also between Severus & Draco. I see that it has been some years since you've updated. Please, please don't abandon this story! Happy writing!
Ah, I remember following this story every week. It's a shame RL got in the way and it's gone 3 years-ish without an update. I hope you're doing well and come back to it some day. Thank you for the wonderful half-fic, for what it's worth :)
What the what?? I followed you over from MNFF to see what I'd missed, holy mess!!!! I LOVE this story, it constantly shocks me!!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
LOL, yeah, MNFF had an issue with the human/centaur thing. Glad you're enjoying it... I hope to finish it someday if I ever get my life back.
wow, this story just gets creepier and creepier, in the most interesting and hilarious way possible. this has to be the best story i have ever read on any fanfiction site. u are an awesome writer; i have never laughed this much at a story. i now see why mnff just couldnt bear it, lol, way too many disturbing things. i just got used to the thought of draco being a sex god in other stories, now u make him gay! bwahahaha, talk about a monkeywrench. im sad snape gave that 16-year-old release to the mares. i wished my girl hermione had gotten a piece of that. now that would have been fun to read and write, im sure, hehe. again, u are brilliant!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
<laughs> Wow, glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, MNFF drew the line at the "bestiality" elements (though they don't seem to mind human/werewolf and human/veela). Eh, whatever.Hadn't thought of the 16-year gap ending with the ponies... I guess this is sort of a tragic story, huh?
More Please!?!?!? I so like how this story is going. Love the HG/SS relationship. I so can not wait for more.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really do intend to finish it, and the funniest stuff is yet to come. You just would not believe the times I've had the past couple years--broken ribs, my mom passed away, a new nonprofit opened in town and begged me to write their grants... I don't even READ fanfic any more, much less write it. But someday things will settle down.
I tried to read this story when I was 16 years of age, back then I could barely read English (not my first language) and I had to consult the dictionary every 3 minutes or so but I do remember little bits of it... This amazing first chapter for example. It's so well written and so true to the characters. It's a pleasure to be able to read it again.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Wow! That's so cool! I'm glad you liked it well enough to come back to it! Thanks!
Aww, Snape's going to be a father. *snickers*
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Not after he gets that potion ready...
The age of consent in the UK is 16 not to mention the use of the Time-Turner so she's actually almost two years older than her peers. She could've consented before.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Hmm, I suppose so. But she used the date to such a fine advantage... had to go with it.
You are a wonderful writer, and I always look forward to reading more of your story. This is byfar my favorite Snape/Hermione fanfic ever. I thank you soooo much for updating! I love love love everything about it! Are you though, planning to go canon and kill him off in the end, or will I have to wait and see? You make my week!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Heh, well, I don't like to give out spoilers but I'll just say I don't consider DH as part of canon. So that may answer your question...
I went back and reread the last chapter to refresh the story in my brain. It has been a damn long time woman! Come back to the potterverse! We miss you. Im all sorts of confused about H's trouble in potions. Whatever could it be?
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Herms was totally upstaged by Harry in potions that year, on account of Harry having the HBP's potion text. She was pretty po'd about that--but she can't tell Snape or that would ruin Harry's surprise. But I think it's funny that she would be in such a good position to blow Harry's scheme out of the water...
ROFLMAO! Oohhhh noooo. Snape, you silly man. I was afraid something like this would happen. Can wizards and centaur breed with each other?! You really do love torturing Snape. It's a fun kind of torture, though.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
*snerk* It IS fun to torture old Sev. Maybe Voldy thinks so too, I dunno.