20: Disclosure
Chapter 20 of 47
Fawkes_07Hermione finally reveals what?s really bothering her.
ReviewedOf all the bloodysoddingcursed...how does she even DO that? Hermione had gone from pristine calm to hysterical sobbing within the blink of an eye. For a moment he wondered if he had lost consciousness briefly, or perhaps a Time-Turner had robbed him of experiencing whatever had caused this disaster. I should be so lucky, he thought grimly. That assumes that there IS an explanation for her mood. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he gently turned her toward him and pressed her head to his shoulder.
That seemed to be the proper tack; she was still crying, but at least she was holding onto him. Apparently he wasn't to blame for this. Yet, anyway... Without any idea what was bothering her, there was little he could say, so Snape took the conservative approach, stroking her hair and glancing uneasily at the dark wet patch spreading on his robe. What I wouldn't give for a handkerchief, he thought glumly when she began to sniffle.
When the tears finally subsided, he weighed his options. Asking her what was the matter would probably renew the hydraulics, but ignoring it was simply not feasible. That would be akin to ignoring an anvil hanging over his head by a fraying rope. Snape took a slow, deep breath, enjoying the brief quiet and the scent of her hair--the calm before the storm. "There is something weighing heavily on your mind, dear girl, is there not?"
Hermione made a high-pitched squeak, but to his amazement, did not resume crying. "Severus... I think I have a confession to make."
Gulp. "A confession. A secret?" She nodded. Familiar territory again, at last. "You are afraid to speak of it, whatever it is, but you also can't bear to conceal it. Correct?"
"Yes."
Snape's shoulders dropped as his own tension melted away. "If anyone understands secrets, my dear, it is I," he said softly, stroking her hair again. "I suppose the anxiety of your O.W.L.s has brought it into the spotlight. The things you wish most to ignore tend to present themselves at the least convenient time."
"Exactly," she whispered. He watched a tear silently escape, rolling down her cheek to join the others staining his robe.
"You might consider holding on another week. You may regret giving it away once the pressure has eased."
She stiffened slightly, but settled against him once more. "No," she finally said. "It's stupid, but it concerns you too, and it's, well, got me staring at the ceiling all night."
He nodded grimly. "Very well, then, out with it. Unburden yourself."
Hermione opened her mouth several times, but apparently couldn't find the words. "I wish it were that easy, Severus," she finally mumbled.
"Hmm. Will the knowledge lead to my death?" She responded by slapping his chest. "Disfigurement?" he continued. "Blood, mine or otherwise? Pain, illness, insanity? No? Will lightning sear my eardrums when I hear it?" She glared up at him fiercely, though she was smiling despite herself. "I think I can weather it, Hermione," he said gently. "Or if you are unable to speak, you can show me in your mind."
She bit her lip. "It's in my dreams, Severus."
"I suspected as much, as I've been nearly everywhere else." Snape looked into her eyes, noting little flecks of gold within the brown. "Do you want me to open them?"
She curled her head down, and once again, her body stiffened, but this time it felt as though she was steeling herself, calling up her reserves of strength. She finally snapped to, pulling away from him and looking him squarely in the eye. "Yes. Yes, just do it. You're probably going to think I'm the silliest creature alive, but I can't keep this inside anymore." She pointed impatiently toward his wand on the desk.
He retrieved it, and beckoned to her to join him on the divan. "Are you certain of this, Hermione?" he asked grimly, holding his wand at the ready. She suddenly appeared most reluctant.
"I'm sure."
Snape bit his lower lip, frowning. "If there's any doubt... I know you feel strongly about--"
"Mother of Merlin, shut up and do it already, Severus!"
He set his jaw with a tiny reproving glare and laid open her subconscious as though rending a muslin curtain with a razor.
The worst part about using Legilimency was that he didn't just look unobtrusively at her memories, he had to live them with her. In a Pensieve, the memories were presented like a play on a stage, with no regard to the personal reactions of the original observer. One could look dispassionately at any aspect of the memory, even things on the periphery that were not part of conscious recollection. Indeed, that was what made Pensieves so useful: they made it possible to recover the unnoticed goings-on, unclouded by judgement and emotion.
In Legilimency, however, the memories were still part of her being, filled with the subjective feelings and interpretations that made them uniquely Hermione's. Plus, they were as bright and clear as though they were happening right on the spot. It took some getting used to early on in his Legilimency training, and he'd adapted to the process, but dreams... ugh. Snape didn't enjoy reliving dreams, not even pleasant ones. The colors were wrong, the sensations were wrong, and when viewed with an alert and rational mind, the events were downright screwy. It was almost as though dreams kept people's inherent insanity in check, limiting it to the night when it could do no harm.
He could sense the nightmares, but when he tried to penetrate them, they seemed to slide away, frictionless, ungraspable. "You're Occluding me, Hermione. You have to surrender this secret, if that's still your choice." Oh, for the love of Merlin! Stupid subconscious, it WOULD have to go and expertly throw up barriers that I've struggled with for months. Snape heard her thought and laughed inwardly in hearty agreement. Occlumency was a natural process; controlling it was the tricky part.
She was in a sterile room like a Muggle hospital, all cold white ceramic tile and chrome. She knelt over a man, any man, it didn't matter; the dream was always the same, though the faces changed. Sometimes strangers, sometimes Severus, sometimes Harry, Ron, Neville, Viktor; she'd been with half the males at Hogwarts in her nightmare, even ones she couldn't name, even Professor Binns once.
She never knew how they ended up in this room; she'd be having a perfectly acceptable dream, only to find herself here, straddling some man with a wicked erection, wanting desperately to have him. She would bring her hand down to guide him, but there was no place for him to go. Her lower body was suddenly as generic and sexless as a Barbie doll. She had nothing, no anatomy, no sensations, no hair, no desire. The man would reach up and grab her hips, pulling her down, but her skin was hard and cold as granite. He would look up at her in utter contempt and accusation, as though she had led him here deliberately to fool him and leave him unsatisfied. She would try to explain that no, no, she hadn't, she wanted to do it too, honestly. The words wouldn't come; her chest and throat had already seized into stone as well. She was impenetrable, armored, unreachable, and it only disgusted him further.
It always ended as he leapt to his feet, knocking her backwards. She knew as soon as she hit that tile floor, she would shatter into a million tiny pieces. She was too stiff even to put out her elbows; all she could do was fall and wait for the impact.
Hermione found that she was sitting on the divan across from Severus. So now he knew; there was no turning back the tide. Afraid to look him in the eye, she pulled her knees up inside her robes and hugged them tight against her chest, to wait for his reaction.
Story Actions
To follow, favorite, like, and more either log in or create an account.
Leave a Review
Log in to leave a review.
Latest 25 Reviews for Fair Exchanges
909 Reviews | 6.76/10 Average
I've warned you that i will continue to harrass you about finishing this story until my dying day. And i always keep my word. Hope you are still around, that all is well for you, and that this story remains on your eternal to do list.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh. It is. It really is. I need a time machine.
Hello again! I don't know if you are even still around, but reading the rest of this story is on my bucket list, so while I still have breath in me, I shall continue to nudge you toward writing. Hope all is well with you and yours.
SPOILER Warning******In case someone has gone this many years without getting through the last book in the series****************************I hope this new turn in their relationship keeps her from wishing she could just hold hands with someone and walk around the lake. She's had a man now. I can't imagine, at least I hope she doesn't go back to boys. What are you going to do about the Ron thing? She can't go with Ron now. It would would be too mean to Severus! I hope she understands when Albus is killed. Poor Severus! There. Again I'm saying it! I don't mind his sacrifices if I know he will be rewarded with the love he deserves for what he has had to pay to rid the world of Tom Riddle. I hope you work this out so that he doesn't suffer at the end and you'd better not kill him off like the witch who kills small beloved pets like owls, and sweet dear magical creatures like house elves protecting their loved one, cruelly rends twins assunder with one on this side alone without his other half and the other one on the opposite side of the vale tellikng jokes without punch lines! Please tell me you will not follow that part of cannon. You are already forcing Severus to do things I don't know if Hermione can forgive him for. She must forgive him though.When are you going to work on this story some more? Do you know? Are you planing to finish this story or did the last cannon book kill your joy when she killed off our Potions Master in an incredibly un-Severus Snap like end. ....As if the Potions Master of all masters wouldn't have antivenin.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
You know, it's funny... DH actually kind of DID kill off a lot of my motivation to keep writing fanfic, even though I never really thought of it that way until just now. I wrote my own Book 7 for my kids--HP and the Heirs of Slytherin, it's here on TPP--starting in about 2006, just because I KNEW JKR was going to blow it. I just knew I wouldn't like her book 7. A lot of these fics kind of spun off during the process of writing HoS, including Fair Exchanges. HoS has a lot of legilimency/occlumency in it, and Hermione asks Harry not to look at her dreams. That sparked this story... Anyway, once I finished HoS, I kinda moved on to other projects and my unfinished fics have been sort of waiting on the vine for me. I know how they all end, and some of them are just a few chapters from complete. But part of the trouble with Fair Exchanges is that I hate DH so much I have no desire to read it carefully enough to make Fair Ex canon-compliant. It can't even be HoS compliant, because my alt. universe has even more trouble ahead for Snape. If it's any comfort, though, the last two chapters of this story were written LONG ago, and it wraps up the story in a way I really liked. I posted them on some other ff sites, if you want to go hunting for them. I kept them off TPP, though, because I wanted to post the whole thing properly here.
She is being a normal girl, unfortunately for Severus. Severus Snape requires a remarkable woman. Strong, forgiving, able to make her own happiness most of the time and able to consistantly see past the Death Eater Double Spy. He needssomeone who wants him especially because he isn't like any other man on earth. And he needs someone older than Hermione. I would be thinking just exactly what she is thinking. He is looking for a life time commitment. She just isn't there yet. I don't se how this can end well for either of them unless you figure out a way to turn cannon around soon. I hate the way things turned out in the cannon. She ruined everything! I can't stand it. I hope you can salvage this back story so that it comes out much better than the original. Severus deserves better. I hate feeling sorry for Snape, damn it! I want him to show them all. I want him to end up with the best end of any stick.
Poor Severus. I wish she'd run off to Polynesia with him. I hope she's worth it in the end. She has no real idea what he faces here. They are living in the moment when they see each other. He knows more about her than she knows about him. There is so much more to him than there is to Hermione at this point in her life. How old is she, 15 or 16? Well, at least he can have someone pure. I hope she never asks about his other lovers. I don't think she is ready for the answer. I'm not sure I'd be ready for the Centaura. And we know that in his youth he willingly committed rape in this story, though he reqrets it now. I don't know that Hermione could really handle that knowledge. She might be able to handle the idea that he had possibly been forced to do it, but not with certainty that he had ever willingly done it. He's so screwed is she ever finds out all the things he has to do, unless she is a very unusual individual and not very judgemental. I hope for his sake she is as remarkable as he thinks she is.
Hello! I think Draco just passed out! What do you do with this lie. How to explain that 2 men who appeared to absolutely despise one another were lovers on the low down. Would Draco even fall for that? I don't think he has been present at the OP meetings to observed the apparent mutual hatred. Draco doesn't know how much the murrauders stalked and abused poor Severus. Maybe he'll fall fore it. Poor boy wil be manipulated by the Uncle he trustes. That must taste like shit to Severus.
And Hermione can't know about Draco! She would not understand.
Severus Snape is the most adept spie of all the world if he pulls this off. He must feel like he can never get clean from lying regulary to those few who trust him, beastiality, cheeting on his overly homornal girlfriend that he shouldn't be with, but amazingly they actually love each other and trust each other. Now, add buggery in order to manipulate his godson. He must keep Hermione and Draco apart. And what would the dark lord or Albus Dumblebutt have to say about all of this distasteful activity. Dude, when this is all over you are going to need some serious counceling!
OK. What should he do now? I say, let the twirp kiss you so that you can get on his good side and find out his secrets. Hey! It's a dog eat dog world out there right now. Just hope that Hermione doens't find out you cheated on her with 4 Centaras and her worst enemy at the school and all in the same week. It's a fine edge you tread, poor Severus. I actually feel sorry for you.
Lucky in many ways it seems, our Severus. The Dark Lord needed a laugh. Oooooo, let a name slip in there that starts with an H. So who actually rescued the toad in the forest after all? Make up any answer you like. I had assumed it was Albus. But why he would bother is beyond me. Does Severus have to go back to fetch her?
So! Our dear potions master is hung like a stallion! Well of couse he is! Those naughty girls. It's a good thing Hermione doesn't know. And, isn't he terrified of being caught in the act by the stallions while making love to the mares? I'm sure they would kill him. I'm glad he gets some small reward for his hard work protecting Harry. It really is too bad they didn't kill Umbridge. I know Jkr needs her later in the story. I hope she has permanent damage though.
There's no way that will happen under these circumstances. I don't believe it. Girls need a mood or something to get then started.
Don't worry Hermione, dear. After you've been married for more than 3 decades you actually will grow together down there from lack of use. You see, the little man is victim to depression, high blood pressure, diabetes and sundry medications for said infirmities, but eventually this will only spark a sense of resigned bitterness. Dreams though few and far between will be a welcomed relief. So cry no more dear girl and by the gods grab him while you can! Perhaps in your world magic will make these things not so. If that is the case, get over it you silly girl. He must truly be desperate to put up with this. You all must be. I was quite emotional the first 20 years. It was dreadful! Now I am resigned to the fact that what ever you were fighting about the first 2 years are the same things you will be fighting about in 10 years until eventually you just look at him and shake your head. Put up with it or try to train a new one. Here is the most important thing you will ever know. They cannot be trained. Don't waste your time.
I love, "like a raisin through a guinea pig"! I take it you speak from experience based on your picture of Mr. Flibbert, I believe his name was. One of the things that annoyed the hell out of me in the movie version of TGoF was the hormonal Hermione whining and bitching in her high pitched self righteous girl BS. I think she was pissed off just like in this chapter for the entire movie. I realize it is true to life but it is still annoying. I have two drama queens of my own and it doesn't get better when they grow up. I am grateful for grandsons. They are loud and every game requires growling and yelling and running in the house, not to mention accidentally bumping into each other on purpose etc. but I am looking forward to much less drama as when they reach puberty. I look also look forward to Hermione in this story finishing her O.L.W.S. I'm hyper-sensitive from PTSD after raising two daughters.
Here it is 2014 and still no end in sight. Please finish this, it is too good and to frustrating to stop here,
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really would like to finish it someday. Too many projects, not enough time!
You do know that as long as this story sits unfinished, I am going to pop in periodically and bug you, right? Now I am not pressuring you. I know that real life can be a bitch. All I'm saying is that I probably have a good fifty years left in me, and I am going to continue to encourage you until I take my last breath. Oh, but please don't wait that long as I do want to read the end, lol.
Hi Fawkes_07, I have enjoyed this so much! It is of course beautifully written and plotted. I think you've captured all the characters quite well. The sense of humor in this story is wonderful and was a great surprise. Love the interactions between H and Severus, and also between Severus & Draco. I see that it has been some years since you've updated. Please, please don't abandon this story! Happy writing!
Ah, I remember following this story every week. It's a shame RL got in the way and it's gone 3 years-ish without an update. I hope you're doing well and come back to it some day. Thank you for the wonderful half-fic, for what it's worth :)
What the what?? I followed you over from MNFF to see what I'd missed, holy mess!!!! I LOVE this story, it constantly shocks me!!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
LOL, yeah, MNFF had an issue with the human/centaur thing. Glad you're enjoying it... I hope to finish it someday if I ever get my life back.
wow, this story just gets creepier and creepier, in the most interesting and hilarious way possible. this has to be the best story i have ever read on any fanfiction site. u are an awesome writer; i have never laughed this much at a story. i now see why mnff just couldnt bear it, lol, way too many disturbing things. i just got used to the thought of draco being a sex god in other stories, now u make him gay! bwahahaha, talk about a monkeywrench. im sad snape gave that 16-year-old release to the mares. i wished my girl hermione had gotten a piece of that. now that would have been fun to read and write, im sure, hehe. again, u are brilliant!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
<laughs> Wow, glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, MNFF drew the line at the "bestiality" elements (though they don't seem to mind human/werewolf and human/veela). Eh, whatever.Hadn't thought of the 16-year gap ending with the ponies... I guess this is sort of a tragic story, huh?
More Please!?!?!? I so like how this story is going. Love the HG/SS relationship. I so can not wait for more.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really do intend to finish it, and the funniest stuff is yet to come. You just would not believe the times I've had the past couple years--broken ribs, my mom passed away, a new nonprofit opened in town and begged me to write their grants... I don't even READ fanfic any more, much less write it. But someday things will settle down.
I tried to read this story when I was 16 years of age, back then I could barely read English (not my first language) and I had to consult the dictionary every 3 minutes or so but I do remember little bits of it... This amazing first chapter for example. It's so well written and so true to the characters. It's a pleasure to be able to read it again.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Wow! That's so cool! I'm glad you liked it well enough to come back to it! Thanks!
Aww, Snape's going to be a father. *snickers*
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Not after he gets that potion ready...
The age of consent in the UK is 16 not to mention the use of the Time-Turner so she's actually almost two years older than her peers. She could've consented before.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Hmm, I suppose so. But she used the date to such a fine advantage... had to go with it.
You are a wonderful writer, and I always look forward to reading more of your story. This is byfar my favorite Snape/Hermione fanfic ever. I thank you soooo much for updating! I love love love everything about it! Are you though, planning to go canon and kill him off in the end, or will I have to wait and see? You make my week!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Heh, well, I don't like to give out spoilers but I'll just say I don't consider DH as part of canon. So that may answer your question...
I went back and reread the last chapter to refresh the story in my brain. It has been a damn long time woman! Come back to the potterverse! We miss you. Im all sorts of confused about H's trouble in potions. Whatever could it be?
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Herms was totally upstaged by Harry in potions that year, on account of Harry having the HBP's potion text. She was pretty po'd about that--but she can't tell Snape or that would ruin Harry's surprise. But I think it's funny that she would be in such a good position to blow Harry's scheme out of the water...
ROFLMAO! Oohhhh noooo. Snape, you silly man. I was afraid something like this would happen. Can wizards and centaur breed with each other?! You really do love torturing Snape. It's a fun kind of torture, though.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
*snerk* It IS fun to torture old Sev. Maybe Voldy thinks so too, I dunno.